Did he understand nothing?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Did he understand nothing?
Is he in denial?
OK...since giving XABF the news in a very clear email about 4 weeks ago after which he threatened to send correspondence of a personal nature between myself and him to my estranged husband (from whom I have been legally separated for 3.5 years), contact with him has consisted of two telephone calls and various newsy but brief emails.
The first telephone call was a few days after he had made his threats during which he apologized for the threats with lots of QUACK, QUACK, QUACK. I remained clear about him having to get himself into AA and working a programme for at least a year and I remained un-emotional and detached during that telephone call. The second call was about a week later from him and he woke me up early in the morning. After that call I received an email telling me that I sounded very stressed and that must be why I sounded so short on the phone (ummmmm no!!). I did not respond to his observations. All other email "news" from him since then appears to be about all the "fixing himself" stuff he is doing prior to his DUI court appearance. "Fixing himself" does not include AA I guess since he has said nothing about that.
Today's email told me how much he can't wait to see me again (WTF?) with comments about getting physical and intimate (double WTF?????).
Believe me, I have said NOTHING to encourage him. NOTHING at all. I have been the friend that I said I would be during that first phone call but on my terms. I do not discuss his court case with him, do not mention AA, do not ask about his children, work.......NOTHING!
Maybe this just has to die a slow death and my cool detachment will finally sink in.
I think I know what I should have done....simply not permitted any further contact. Easier said than done.
Thanks for letting me vent here.
ARL
OK...since giving XABF the news in a very clear email about 4 weeks ago after which he threatened to send correspondence of a personal nature between myself and him to my estranged husband (from whom I have been legally separated for 3.5 years), contact with him has consisted of two telephone calls and various newsy but brief emails.
The first telephone call was a few days after he had made his threats during which he apologized for the threats with lots of QUACK, QUACK, QUACK. I remained clear about him having to get himself into AA and working a programme for at least a year and I remained un-emotional and detached during that telephone call. The second call was about a week later from him and he woke me up early in the morning. After that call I received an email telling me that I sounded very stressed and that must be why I sounded so short on the phone (ummmmm no!!). I did not respond to his observations. All other email "news" from him since then appears to be about all the "fixing himself" stuff he is doing prior to his DUI court appearance. "Fixing himself" does not include AA I guess since he has said nothing about that.
Today's email told me how much he can't wait to see me again (WTF?) with comments about getting physical and intimate (double WTF?????).
Believe me, I have said NOTHING to encourage him. NOTHING at all. I have been the friend that I said I would be during that first phone call but on my terms. I do not discuss his court case with him, do not mention AA, do not ask about his children, work.......NOTHING!
Maybe this just has to die a slow death and my cool detachment will finally sink in.
I think I know what I should have done....simply not permitted any further contact. Easier said than done.
Thanks for letting me vent here.
ARL
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
Hello ARL yes it is easier said than done, but you are doing so well, it sounds like you are in control of the situation.
He sounds like my xab and like you i shouldnt be in contact with him, but as long as im in control of the situation it doesnt seem to bother me, the more bull i hear the stronger i get.
Mine had been sober for 4 days because he had no money, which was nice, we chatted about all sorts, not necessarily about us, he knows now that i will not go back to him whilst he is still drinking. but he says things like "Hi baby how are you today" and "Bye darling love you loads", and its dawned on me that in his head he's convinced himself that everything is ok. like you i havent encouraged him. I do feel that ive let myself down by talking to him, cos they are so manipulative. Anyhow yesterday he had some money so i didnt ring him, he texted me a couple of times and i ansewered back and that was that. He's getting busy getting drunk, so the last person he wants to talk to is me.
lol it feels like it did when we were together!! he is still using me for his feel good feelings when he's sober to hell with me when he's drinking.
Oh it feels good not being part of this mess he might think that all is well, but i know differently which is the most important thing.
Take care
Mair x
He sounds like my xab and like you i shouldnt be in contact with him, but as long as im in control of the situation it doesnt seem to bother me, the more bull i hear the stronger i get.
Mine had been sober for 4 days because he had no money, which was nice, we chatted about all sorts, not necessarily about us, he knows now that i will not go back to him whilst he is still drinking. but he says things like "Hi baby how are you today" and "Bye darling love you loads", and its dawned on me that in his head he's convinced himself that everything is ok. like you i havent encouraged him. I do feel that ive let myself down by talking to him, cos they are so manipulative. Anyhow yesterday he had some money so i didnt ring him, he texted me a couple of times and i ansewered back and that was that. He's getting busy getting drunk, so the last person he wants to talk to is me.
lol it feels like it did when we were together!! he is still using me for his feel good feelings when he's sober to hell with me when he's drinking.
Oh it feels good not being part of this mess he might think that all is well, but i know differently which is the most important thing.
Take care
Mair x
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
All it took for my ex to call me and talk to my voicemail was simply driving by him going the other direction.
Did he need a reason to call? Did he need a reason to drink? Same answer to both.
He'd do it anyway. My cell phone plan is up soon and I've been thinking about changing my # for a while and have a spy-phone at work so I can see who's calling.
Email is easy - I can delete without even opening the email. My cell messages are worse, cuz I have to start the message in order to delete it.
Did he need a reason to call? Did he need a reason to drink? Same answer to both.
He'd do it anyway. My cell phone plan is up soon and I've been thinking about changing my # for a while and have a spy-phone at work so I can see who's calling.
Email is easy - I can delete without even opening the email. My cell messages are worse, cuz I have to start the message in order to delete it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Originally Posted by Earthworm 
Can you not take his calls and not answer his e-mails?
As for the emails....well, the tricky part is not wishing to come across as cold and cruel thereby totally ending even a friendship. I am not that kind of person. I send a reply to his emails but keep it as general as possible.
He certainly can't just arrive here....no money, no holiday time. Hopefully, by the time he COULD make a plan to come here, he will understand that he can't.
ARL
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by ARealLady
well, the tricky part is not wishing to come across as cold and cruel thereby totally ending even a friendship. I am not that kind of person.
L
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
I think I know what I should have done....simply not permitted any further contact. Easier said than done.
Yup, I "justified" by saying I was setting the "contact rules". Never realizing that ANY contact was just the wisp of an opening for him to use to PRY open the door again. Oh, and yup, the all of a sudden we can be a "couple" again started popping up!!! Like you, my main cry ofthe day, was "WTF is he CRAZY?!?!?!?"
Turns out, yup he was,,,LMAO
When you speak through alcohol, sanity no longer exists!!!DUH!!!!
Thats why I LEFT his sorry arse,,cause it was NUTS!!!!For me, absolutely NO CONTACT is the only thing that works. Screw trying to be "friends". I got more than my fair share of those.
Peace
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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Posts: 1,301
Sorry your feeling this way 
I have been no contact with my xab since the 4th of July and i sometimes get mad because i feel i'm not worthy of contact. But you know what, i think it's saved my life right now.
Ya i'm up and down and sad at times but you know what, when i do get sad i think immediately friends don't treat friends this way....they are not friends, they are trying to salvage any sort of dignity they may have left to try desperately to fix things they caused. Mine said "i hope someday we can be friends", ya day after he had got back from a weekend trip with his EX...YA RIGHT. I have enough friends and i'm sure you do to and don't need this headache my thoughts are with you.
I have been no contact with my xab since the 4th of July and i sometimes get mad because i feel i'm not worthy of contact. But you know what, i think it's saved my life right now. Ya i'm up and down and sad at times but you know what, when i do get sad i think immediately friends don't treat friends this way....they are not friends, they are trying to salvage any sort of dignity they may have left to try desperately to fix things they caused. Mine said "i hope someday we can be friends", ya day after he had got back from a weekend trip with his EX...YA RIGHT. I have enough friends and i'm sure you do to and don't need this headache
my thoughts are with you.
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Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 207
My xabf used to joke that he was the stain that I would never remove. No matter how many times I asked him not to call me, that we are done, that I would never go back to him, no matter how upset I got. He would still call. I would take his calls because I too didn't want to hurt his feelings, I would worry about him worrying why he couldn't reach me if I didn't answer or return his call. All taking his calls did was allow him to manipulate and lie to me. He would tell me of this great new job he got (which as always - ended after a day or two - never his fault of course) or how he was doing so good and not drinking. More lies, turns out he was drinking - but doing so after he knew he wouldn't talk to me anymore that night or if he was sure he wasn't going to see me. And he too would think that we were back together just because we talked. Heck, he even told his kids that we were going to be married!
I asked my counselor the other day - why does he keep calling when I don't give him anything - no money, no sex, no place to stay. And she said that we both were getting something out of the "dance" - him may be to appear normal, to have hope that he can get me back to doing the things I used to for him. And she asked why I still took his calls? What was I getting out of it.
He hasn't call so much the past couple of weeks. Who knows why - I'm just finally back to feeling some peace.
Oh, and when he did call and I didn't yell and react to his quacking or believe the lies he was telling me - I got called a B**** or cold and heartless and then why do you make me so mad - you know I love you. WTF indeed!
Brdlvr
I asked my counselor the other day - why does he keep calling when I don't give him anything - no money, no sex, no place to stay. And she said that we both were getting something out of the "dance" - him may be to appear normal, to have hope that he can get me back to doing the things I used to for him. And she asked why I still took his calls? What was I getting out of it.
He hasn't call so much the past couple of weeks. Who knows why - I'm just finally back to feeling some peace.
Oh, and when he did call and I didn't yell and react to his quacking or believe the lies he was telling me - I got called a B**** or cold and heartless and then why do you make me so mad - you know I love you. WTF indeed!
Brdlvr
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Actually as long as you keep responding to his e-mails he won't understand that he can't and he'll probably just appear.
He's in denial he won't get that your e-mails are general.
You don't have to end the friendship, you can be a friend from a distance and see if he gets his act together. As long as he figures he still has you in the game he won't be overly motivated to do anything.
Ngaire
He's in denial he won't get that your e-mails are general.
You don't have to end the friendship, you can be a friend from a distance and see if he gets his act together. As long as he figures he still has you in the game he won't be overly motivated to do anything.
Ngaire
Originally Posted by ARealLady
There have only been those two phone calls and, yes, I could let them go to voice mail if he phones again.
As for the emails....well, the tricky part is not wishing to come across as cold and cruel thereby totally ending even a friendship. I am not that kind of person. I send a reply to his emails but keep it as general as possible.
He certainly can't just arrive here....no money, no holiday time. Hopefully, by the time he COULD make a plan to come here, he will understand that he can't.
ARL
As for the emails....well, the tricky part is not wishing to come across as cold and cruel thereby totally ending even a friendship. I am not that kind of person. I send a reply to his emails but keep it as general as possible.
He certainly can't just arrive here....no money, no holiday time. Hopefully, by the time he COULD make a plan to come here, he will understand that he can't.
ARL
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