Same problem new addiction
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Somewhere in the sunshine
Posts: 13
Same problem new addiction
Hello everyone. I have been a member of this website but spent my time on the Substance abuse section. It was a very long road for me and this website was so valuable. The addict inmy life was my son and his DOC was Cocaine and I am very happy to say after alot of outpatient help he went into a residential facility and has been clean and sober since April 4 of this year. Now I have a step son dealing with alcoholism and I need to gain some knowledge. I understand alot of the issues that go with addiction but I need help with a few things.
Of course some of it is family dynamics. I am the step Mom (not fun) but I also am the person who as dealt with alot of these things for the past year and a half. I chose to be as knowledgeable as possible when it was my son in the hope that it would be the most helpful. So...that is why I am here. Let me say that over the past week I have found myself just wanting to tell everyone I am out of this. His family is at the beginning of the process. We have all been there. Enabling, believing the addicts lies and participating in the addiction in one form or the other.
I sit back sometimes and watch and it is very frustrating for me. I know that what works for one addict is not necessarily going to work for another but some things generally apply. So here is a little of the story.
Stepson, addicted to alcohol for approxamately 14 years. 29 years old with a one year old son. Up until 3 weeks ago the mother and son living in his house. He has an unbelieveable enabling mother with way too much money. The mother of his child has been in nursing school and during that time HIS mother paid her tuition, car payment, and insurance. Once the child was born mother has been paying the house payment to "help out." Long story short the drinking became more of an issue once the child was born and it escalated into the childs mother leaving and taking the child to stay with her family 3 weeks ago. The 2 weeks following that every member of the familky received different stories. The childs mother has chosen to communicate with me I believe as a result of what I dealt with with my Son. So I feel very much in the middle. I think the reason I stay is because she is trying to do the right thing and and I don't feel the same about all members of his family.
My stepson went into a program on Monday. It is a detox program with inpatient
counseling following with a max of 18 days. So here are a few questions. Let me say NO ONE knows the extent of his drinking.
He called his Mom on Wednesday and said he was moved out of detox and into inpatient. He also asked for snacks and cigarettes to be brought to him which she is doing this morning. He sent a message through her (because he said he only has a 50 second phonecall) to have his girlfriend and his son to visit on Saturday. His girlfriend called me very upset that the message was sent through his mother. My advice to her was to tell the Mom in the future to have him call the girlfriend directly.
Maybe you will tell me I am wrong but isn't he suppossed to be doing thing for himself? Isn't that just more of someone cleaning up his mess?
So onto alcoholism. Does it make sense that detox is 24-30 hours? Or does it depend on the amount he was drinking per day. Does this mean he isn't drinking that much or maybe that is just how the program works.
I know I haven't given you alot of info but how do you feel about what I am doing. Should I just butt out and let all of the players find their own way or should I try to let my expierence help them? I made the effort to do the work when it was my son. Should I just let them do their own?
Of course some of it is family dynamics. I am the step Mom (not fun) but I also am the person who as dealt with alot of these things for the past year and a half. I chose to be as knowledgeable as possible when it was my son in the hope that it would be the most helpful. So...that is why I am here. Let me say that over the past week I have found myself just wanting to tell everyone I am out of this. His family is at the beginning of the process. We have all been there. Enabling, believing the addicts lies and participating in the addiction in one form or the other.
I sit back sometimes and watch and it is very frustrating for me. I know that what works for one addict is not necessarily going to work for another but some things generally apply. So here is a little of the story.
Stepson, addicted to alcohol for approxamately 14 years. 29 years old with a one year old son. Up until 3 weeks ago the mother and son living in his house. He has an unbelieveable enabling mother with way too much money. The mother of his child has been in nursing school and during that time HIS mother paid her tuition, car payment, and insurance. Once the child was born mother has been paying the house payment to "help out." Long story short the drinking became more of an issue once the child was born and it escalated into the childs mother leaving and taking the child to stay with her family 3 weeks ago. The 2 weeks following that every member of the familky received different stories. The childs mother has chosen to communicate with me I believe as a result of what I dealt with with my Son. So I feel very much in the middle. I think the reason I stay is because she is trying to do the right thing and and I don't feel the same about all members of his family.
My stepson went into a program on Monday. It is a detox program with inpatient
counseling following with a max of 18 days. So here are a few questions. Let me say NO ONE knows the extent of his drinking.
He called his Mom on Wednesday and said he was moved out of detox and into inpatient. He also asked for snacks and cigarettes to be brought to him which she is doing this morning. He sent a message through her (because he said he only has a 50 second phonecall) to have his girlfriend and his son to visit on Saturday. His girlfriend called me very upset that the message was sent through his mother. My advice to her was to tell the Mom in the future to have him call the girlfriend directly.
Maybe you will tell me I am wrong but isn't he suppossed to be doing thing for himself? Isn't that just more of someone cleaning up his mess?
So onto alcoholism. Does it make sense that detox is 24-30 hours? Or does it depend on the amount he was drinking per day. Does this mean he isn't drinking that much or maybe that is just how the program works.
I know I haven't given you alot of info but how do you feel about what I am doing. Should I just butt out and let all of the players find their own way or should I try to let my expierence help them? I made the effort to do the work when it was my son. Should I just let them do their own?
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
I think only you can answer that question for yourself. Do you want to help? Will you be resentful if you do? What are your boundaries regarding this situation? Maybe if you make some and stick to just those, you can help without getting too involved. I can't help with the detox and rehab questions as my abf still hasn't made the choice to go to treatment and this is my first experience with an alcoholic.
Jenny
Jenny
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 62
Hi Sparkle,
I think Jenny gave you some great advice concerning how you want to handle your involvement. Think of what you can do that won't cause more stress for you and hand the rest over to where it belongs.
Perhaps you could suggest to his girfriend that she find a program to work on for herself that would help her cope and sort out her issues. You sound like an incredibly kind and caring person who has a lot on her plate right now. It's not that you don't care, you have limits.
I can only tell you about Abf's detox experience. He had never done dextox in the over 30 years he abused alocohol before. It was only when faced with losing his job and his apartment, his ex divorced him and threw him to the curb, that he kicking and screaming at me, went. Thank goodness he showed up legless to work and his boss sent him away with orders to get help or never come back. It was what made the difference. I remember the day so vividly because the first thing he did was call and scream at me to get my a** over to his place so he could hold me and sleep then wake up and talk things out. I refused and for the following hours of standing my ground, he made the choice to go to the hospital.
The program was only for 4 days inpatient because that was all his insurance would allow unless the Dr's wanted to ask for more time. He felt that he was good enough to go by them with the recommendation that he immediately enroll in an intensive outpatient treatment program and attend AA. They also wanted him tested for a personality disorder because the Drs in the program could tell here was more going on than met the eye. They made him call the program to register before his release but he never actually went or ever stepped foot in an AA meeting.
Today, he is a nasty dry drunk who continues to live a chaotic life and no amount of helping him makes a difference. From attending counseling for myself and reading and posting here, I am learning to detach and enforce my boundaries. He fights me with every breath of the way. Unless he takes reaponsiblity for his illness and works on himslef, things will not change.
You are right, your step-son has to do his own dirty work and his girfriend has to work on herself and care for her child. The best thing she can do is reach out to programs who will help her do that. You only are responsible for you. I know it's hard to do because just like me, your nature is to help. But haven't we already paid enough for our empathy and kindness? You are in the middle only if you allow that to happen. It's ok to make choices that are good for you and only you. It's healthy and not at all selfish.
Post here often. There is much good advice to be shared. Try not to be hard on yourself for needing to disengage. Sometimes it is the best thing you can do to really help the situation.
Take Care,
Jilly
I think Jenny gave you some great advice concerning how you want to handle your involvement. Think of what you can do that won't cause more stress for you and hand the rest over to where it belongs.
Perhaps you could suggest to his girfriend that she find a program to work on for herself that would help her cope and sort out her issues. You sound like an incredibly kind and caring person who has a lot on her plate right now. It's not that you don't care, you have limits.
I can only tell you about Abf's detox experience. He had never done dextox in the over 30 years he abused alocohol before. It was only when faced with losing his job and his apartment, his ex divorced him and threw him to the curb, that he kicking and screaming at me, went. Thank goodness he showed up legless to work and his boss sent him away with orders to get help or never come back. It was what made the difference. I remember the day so vividly because the first thing he did was call and scream at me to get my a** over to his place so he could hold me and sleep then wake up and talk things out. I refused and for the following hours of standing my ground, he made the choice to go to the hospital.
The program was only for 4 days inpatient because that was all his insurance would allow unless the Dr's wanted to ask for more time. He felt that he was good enough to go by them with the recommendation that he immediately enroll in an intensive outpatient treatment program and attend AA. They also wanted him tested for a personality disorder because the Drs in the program could tell here was more going on than met the eye. They made him call the program to register before his release but he never actually went or ever stepped foot in an AA meeting.
Today, he is a nasty dry drunk who continues to live a chaotic life and no amount of helping him makes a difference. From attending counseling for myself and reading and posting here, I am learning to detach and enforce my boundaries. He fights me with every breath of the way. Unless he takes reaponsiblity for his illness and works on himslef, things will not change.
You are right, your step-son has to do his own dirty work and his girfriend has to work on herself and care for her child. The best thing she can do is reach out to programs who will help her do that. You only are responsible for you. I know it's hard to do because just like me, your nature is to help. But haven't we already paid enough for our empathy and kindness? You are in the middle only if you allow that to happen. It's ok to make choices that are good for you and only you. It's healthy and not at all selfish.
Post here often. There is much good advice to be shared. Try not to be hard on yourself for needing to disengage. Sometimes it is the best thing you can do to really help the situation.
Take Care,
Jilly
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Somewhere in the sunshine
Posts: 13
Thanks
Thank you. This is almost more of a struggle than when it was my son. We didn't have as many players on our small family. Just my son and his wife, my daughter and myself. When we made a decision to detach we all held firm. In my husband family there are alot of people and they all believe differently.
I just received a call from my stepson asking me to give his Dad a list of things he needs. He is a Diabetic but neglected to take his things to rehab. So his Dad is suppossed to call his girlfriend, have her meet him at the Son's house to get his test strips. He also wants a sweatshirt or a t-shirt, some Propel water, Snacks, and cigarettes. I guess I am just confused. He knew he was going and this to me is just
another form of manipulation on his part. I think it is time to have him clean up his own mess. I am sure iN Detox they have Drs. and test strips, I am sure they have food, and I am also sure he can do his laundry. As for smoking he smoked when he went. Don't you think if you were a smoker and going to rehab you would buy yourself a carton? I am sorry I am venting. I told him to call his girlfrind and ask her since she is the only one with a key to his house and he told me he is not allowed phone calls that they considered this one an emergency and it was the only one he could make. Am I crazy or does nthis smell a little funny to any of you?
I just received a call from my stepson asking me to give his Dad a list of things he needs. He is a Diabetic but neglected to take his things to rehab. So his Dad is suppossed to call his girlfriend, have her meet him at the Son's house to get his test strips. He also wants a sweatshirt or a t-shirt, some Propel water, Snacks, and cigarettes. I guess I am just confused. He knew he was going and this to me is just
another form of manipulation on his part. I think it is time to have him clean up his own mess. I am sure iN Detox they have Drs. and test strips, I am sure they have food, and I am also sure he can do his laundry. As for smoking he smoked when he went. Don't you think if you were a smoker and going to rehab you would buy yourself a carton? I am sorry I am venting. I told him to call his girlfrind and ask her since she is the only one with a key to his house and he told me he is not allowed phone calls that they considered this one an emergency and it was the only one he could make. Am I crazy or does nthis smell a little funny to any of you?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
I'm not familiar with rehab but this sounds like stepson went to the "Holiday Inn" for a few days and he's dialing up room service. What sticks out in my mind about your story is all roads leading to the girlfriend.
1. AStepson does what A's do at home. 2. "girlfriend and baby" move out. 3. First he called "Mom" for room service and left message through mom with instructions for "girlfriend" to see him. Then he called You to get to Dad for more room service and Dad who needs to contact "girlfriend" to get his stuff.
I feel bad for this girl. She needs Alanon and the recovery the program offers.
1. AStepson does what A's do at home. 2. "girlfriend and baby" move out. 3. First he called "Mom" for room service and left message through mom with instructions for "girlfriend" to see him. Then he called You to get to Dad for more room service and Dad who needs to contact "girlfriend" to get his stuff.
I feel bad for this girl. She needs Alanon and the recovery the program offers.
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