dry drunk?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: florida
Posts: 40
dry drunk?
i'm curious, confused, sad, and frustrated...
I didn't think things could get worse, and they have, but I am just trying to feel the feelings as they come, and listen to him more carefully, and observe more critically...
What is everyone's experience and/or opinions with a "dry drunk"?
Because I think that is what I am dealing with now... and it stinks...
I didn't think things could get worse, and they have, but I am just trying to feel the feelings as they come, and listen to him more carefully, and observe more critically...
What is everyone's experience and/or opinions with a "dry drunk"?
Because I think that is what I am dealing with now... and it stinks...
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
(((sugarpup))) don't have much to share on this topic but wanted you to know i am here and i am sorry you are feeling so badly right now...amazing how it always gets worse even though you thought it couldn't possibly....(())
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
sunshine85 - to my understanding, it is an alcoholic who is simply not drinking. they have the same attitudes as a drinking alcoholic and are not working a recovery program.
Keepingmyjoy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
Sugarpup....sorry you have to go through this. I am dealing with dry drunk. It is horrible. He is grumpy, doesn't talk, on the razors edge of snapping at me at all times. It is not fun.
I am dealing with it by taking care of me, detaching, and taking one day at time. I wish I could be more helpful.
I am dealing with it by taking care of me, detaching, and taking one day at time. I wish I could be more helpful.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
I stopped the alcohol intake but my poor habits and poor behaviors still remained.
Working a proper recovery program helped me find answers that fixed the whole me.
Intake (physical)
Attitude (mental)
Outlook on life (spiritual)
Different emotions rise to the surface as we go through each stage of growth.
As long as there is growth... know that things will get better.
Boundaries still need be held in place untill such a time that boundaries don't try to get crossed.
Working a proper recovery program helped me find answers that fixed the whole me.
Intake (physical)
Attitude (mental)
Outlook on life (spiritual)
Different emotions rise to the surface as we go through each stage of growth.
As long as there is growth... know that things will get better.
Boundaries still need be held in place untill such a time that boundaries don't try to get crossed.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
Personally i dont believe in all that ive heard about--dry drunk.I think its just another put-down,judgment, on sick folks.Everyone is at different stages in recovery.Calling them names doesnt help,i dont believe.
It trully was when i took my bincuoures of another,and really boned down on my own recovery,that changed my life.I started to understnad folks better,and to see them in a different light.And this has given me peace.Am i critical of anothers efforts?Am i doing the do things for ,my,recovery?This is whats important to me!!!
It trully was when i took my bincuoures of another,and really boned down on my own recovery,that changed my life.I started to understnad folks better,and to see them in a different light.And this has given me peace.Am i critical of anothers efforts?Am i doing the do things for ,my,recovery?This is whats important to me!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 62
From The Minnesota Recovery site:
Dry Drunk Syndrome
Sobriety will necessarily have its ups and downs, its good times and its bad times, if only because we live in a world which we are inseparably joined. One doesn't always sustain sobriety at the same level. There are fluctuations, shocks and setbacks which, when addressed within the context of the A.A. program, so not in themselves imperil the totality of one's sobriety. The Dry Drunk Syndrome is a term that should not be used as a catch-all when one has a bad day or a bump in life throws us for a while. Those are ups and downs that everyone experiences and shouldn't be labeled to be anything more than what they truly are. The Dry Drunk is a condition far more serious than the highs and lows of our day-to-day existence.
The phrase "dry drunk" has two significant words for the alcoholic. "Dry" refers to the abstinence from drinking, whereas "drunk" signifies a deeply pathological condition resulting from the use of alcohol in the past. Taken together these words suggest intoxication without alcohol. Since intoxication comes from the Greek word for poison, "dry drunk" implies a state of mind and a mode of behavior that are poisonous to the alcoholic's well being.
OBVIOUS TRAITS Persons experiencing a full-blown DRY DRUNK are, for that period, removed from the world of sobriety; they fail, for whatever reason, to accept the necessary conditions for sober living. Their mental and emotional homes are chaotic, their approach to everyday living is unrealistic, and their behavior, both verbal and physical, is unacceptable.
This lack of sober realism manifests itself in many ways.
1. Grandiosity, put very simply, is an exaggeration of one's own importance. This can be demonstrated either in terms of one's strengths or weaknesses. In either case it is blatantly self- seeking or self-serving, putting oneself at the center of attention, from the "big me" who has ask the answers to the "poor me" whose cup of self-pity runneth over and wants all of our attention.
2. Judgmentalism is mutually related to grandiosity. It means that the alcoholic is prone to make value judgments - strikingly inappropriate evaluations - usually in terms of "goodness" or "badness".
3. Intolerance leaves no room for delaying the gratification of personal desires. This is accomplished by gross confusion of priorities with the result that a mere whim or passing fancy is mistakenly given more importance than genuine personal needs.
4. Impulsivity is the result of intolerance or the lack of ability to delay gratification of personal desires. Impulsivity describes behavior which is heedless of the ultimate consequence for self or others.
5. Indecisiveness is related to impulsitivity in the sense that while the latter takes no realistic account of the consequences of the actions, the former precludes effective action altogether. Indecisiveness stems from an unrealistic exaggeration of the negative possibilities of the action ; so one wavers between two or more possible courses of action, more times than not- nothing gets done.
These conditions, grandiosity, judgmentalism, intolerance ,impulsivity, and indecisiveness taken separately or together can lead to the following: a) Mood swings, which are unrelated to the circumstances to which one tries to link them. Alcoholics zero in on what they want others to think is the cause of the mood swing, when it isn't that at all. More often than not it is something much deeper than the reason given. Inversely it can also be something totally insignificant with no substance at all (e.g. the sugar is too sweet or the donut is too round). Any excuse will do. b) Unable to demonstrate emotions freely, naturally and without constraint. No emotional spontaneity, no genuine spark. c) Introspection. A very healthy thing to do is difficult if not impossible for the "dry drunk". It means to look inward to one's examining each thought and desire, which is linked directly to one's attitude. d) Detachment. Become aloof, display indifference, don't care one way or the other, no special likes or dislikes, they withdraw. e) Self-absorption- with a tendency to call attention to whatever they have attained. Narcissism which is quite simply self-love. They become pompous asses. f) The inability to appreciate or enjoy themselves - nothing satisfies. g) Evidence of disorganization, is easily distracted, complains of boredom, and nothing seems to fit. h) A nostalgia sets in, a kind of wistful yearning for something of the past, such as freedom from care associated (falsely) with drinking, bars, drinking associates, and friends; the music, blue lights, and tinkle of the ice cubes in a glass in the neighborhood saloon. i) There can be a kind of romanticism, which includes unrealistic valuations of lifestyles and character traits which can be and usually are objectively dangerous to one's sobriety. j) Escapism. Fantasizing, daydreaming, and wishful thinking are very much in evidence in the dry drunk syndrome as the individual slips farther and farther from reality.
Since the abnormality of the alcoholic's attitudes and behavior during the drinking career is generally recognized, the persistence or these character traits after stopping drinking (or the reappearance after an interlude of sobriety) is equally abnormal.
The term "dry drunk" therefore denotes the absences of favorable change in the attitudes and behavior of the alcoholic who is not drinking, or the reversion of these by the alcoholic who has experienced a period of successful sobriety. From these conditions, it is to be inferred that the alcoholic is experiencing discomfort in life.
The self-destructive attitudes and behavior of the dry drunk alcoholic are different in degree but not in kind. The alcoholic, when drinking, has learned to rely on a deeply inadequate, radically immature approach to solving life's problems. And this is exactly what one sees in the dry drunk.
ANALYSIS OF DRY DRUNK BEHAVIOR The alcoholic who rationalizes their own irresponsible behavior are also likely to find fault in the attitudes and behavior of others. Although not denying their own shortcomings, they attempt to escape notice by cataloging in great detail the transgressions of others.
The classic maneuver of the dry drunk is over-reaction. The alcoholic may attach a seemingly disproportionate intensity of feeling to an ordinary insignificant event or mishap.
Some alcoholics who experience the dry drunk seem to know all the answers, are seldom at a loss for words when it comes to self-diagnosis. Their knowledge is quite impressive, their apparent insight, as opposed to genuine insight, is convincing.
CORRECTIVE MEASURES: Those undergoing a dry drunk lead impoverished lives. They experience severe limitations to grow,, to mature, and benefit from the possibilities that life offers. They lack the freshness and spontaneity that genuinely sober alcoholics manifest. Their life is a closed system, attitudes and behaviors are stereotyped, repetitive, and consequently predictable.
Alcoholics learn early that humility and a power greater than them- selves are the bedrock for a genuine and productive sobriety. An unusual measure of self-discipline must accompany the ego deflation process. Needed is self-discipline in honesty, patience and responsibility towards the recovery process [and acceptance of their disease]. [To improve long term goals of sobriety be aware of mental stressors, get more involved in the recovery program, get active in the 12 steps, get and use a sponsor, talk things out.] Hopefully. they will begin to appreciate the ironic folly of those alcoholics who think life has suddenly become manageable again; whose sanity is beyond question; who see no need of turning their lives over to a power greater then them- selves; who find personal inventories unnecessary since they are seldom in the wrong and are no longer subject to the embarrassing need of repairing the wrongs they have done.
When dry drunk alcoholics awaken to this irony that they, still unmanageable, still powerless, are the ones who have made this remarkable "recovery," they may feel sufficiently mortified to want to change.
Hope this helps you.
Dry Drunk Syndrome
Sobriety will necessarily have its ups and downs, its good times and its bad times, if only because we live in a world which we are inseparably joined. One doesn't always sustain sobriety at the same level. There are fluctuations, shocks and setbacks which, when addressed within the context of the A.A. program, so not in themselves imperil the totality of one's sobriety. The Dry Drunk Syndrome is a term that should not be used as a catch-all when one has a bad day or a bump in life throws us for a while. Those are ups and downs that everyone experiences and shouldn't be labeled to be anything more than what they truly are. The Dry Drunk is a condition far more serious than the highs and lows of our day-to-day existence.
The phrase "dry drunk" has two significant words for the alcoholic. "Dry" refers to the abstinence from drinking, whereas "drunk" signifies a deeply pathological condition resulting from the use of alcohol in the past. Taken together these words suggest intoxication without alcohol. Since intoxication comes from the Greek word for poison, "dry drunk" implies a state of mind and a mode of behavior that are poisonous to the alcoholic's well being.
OBVIOUS TRAITS Persons experiencing a full-blown DRY DRUNK are, for that period, removed from the world of sobriety; they fail, for whatever reason, to accept the necessary conditions for sober living. Their mental and emotional homes are chaotic, their approach to everyday living is unrealistic, and their behavior, both verbal and physical, is unacceptable.
This lack of sober realism manifests itself in many ways.
1. Grandiosity, put very simply, is an exaggeration of one's own importance. This can be demonstrated either in terms of one's strengths or weaknesses. In either case it is blatantly self- seeking or self-serving, putting oneself at the center of attention, from the "big me" who has ask the answers to the "poor me" whose cup of self-pity runneth over and wants all of our attention.
2. Judgmentalism is mutually related to grandiosity. It means that the alcoholic is prone to make value judgments - strikingly inappropriate evaluations - usually in terms of "goodness" or "badness".
3. Intolerance leaves no room for delaying the gratification of personal desires. This is accomplished by gross confusion of priorities with the result that a mere whim or passing fancy is mistakenly given more importance than genuine personal needs.
4. Impulsivity is the result of intolerance or the lack of ability to delay gratification of personal desires. Impulsivity describes behavior which is heedless of the ultimate consequence for self or others.
5. Indecisiveness is related to impulsitivity in the sense that while the latter takes no realistic account of the consequences of the actions, the former precludes effective action altogether. Indecisiveness stems from an unrealistic exaggeration of the negative possibilities of the action ; so one wavers between two or more possible courses of action, more times than not- nothing gets done.
These conditions, grandiosity, judgmentalism, intolerance ,impulsivity, and indecisiveness taken separately or together can lead to the following: a) Mood swings, which are unrelated to the circumstances to which one tries to link them. Alcoholics zero in on what they want others to think is the cause of the mood swing, when it isn't that at all. More often than not it is something much deeper than the reason given. Inversely it can also be something totally insignificant with no substance at all (e.g. the sugar is too sweet or the donut is too round). Any excuse will do. b) Unable to demonstrate emotions freely, naturally and without constraint. No emotional spontaneity, no genuine spark. c) Introspection. A very healthy thing to do is difficult if not impossible for the "dry drunk". It means to look inward to one's examining each thought and desire, which is linked directly to one's attitude. d) Detachment. Become aloof, display indifference, don't care one way or the other, no special likes or dislikes, they withdraw. e) Self-absorption- with a tendency to call attention to whatever they have attained. Narcissism which is quite simply self-love. They become pompous asses. f) The inability to appreciate or enjoy themselves - nothing satisfies. g) Evidence of disorganization, is easily distracted, complains of boredom, and nothing seems to fit. h) A nostalgia sets in, a kind of wistful yearning for something of the past, such as freedom from care associated (falsely) with drinking, bars, drinking associates, and friends; the music, blue lights, and tinkle of the ice cubes in a glass in the neighborhood saloon. i) There can be a kind of romanticism, which includes unrealistic valuations of lifestyles and character traits which can be and usually are objectively dangerous to one's sobriety. j) Escapism. Fantasizing, daydreaming, and wishful thinking are very much in evidence in the dry drunk syndrome as the individual slips farther and farther from reality.
Since the abnormality of the alcoholic's attitudes and behavior during the drinking career is generally recognized, the persistence or these character traits after stopping drinking (or the reappearance after an interlude of sobriety) is equally abnormal.
The term "dry drunk" therefore denotes the absences of favorable change in the attitudes and behavior of the alcoholic who is not drinking, or the reversion of these by the alcoholic who has experienced a period of successful sobriety. From these conditions, it is to be inferred that the alcoholic is experiencing discomfort in life.
The self-destructive attitudes and behavior of the dry drunk alcoholic are different in degree but not in kind. The alcoholic, when drinking, has learned to rely on a deeply inadequate, radically immature approach to solving life's problems. And this is exactly what one sees in the dry drunk.
ANALYSIS OF DRY DRUNK BEHAVIOR The alcoholic who rationalizes their own irresponsible behavior are also likely to find fault in the attitudes and behavior of others. Although not denying their own shortcomings, they attempt to escape notice by cataloging in great detail the transgressions of others.
The classic maneuver of the dry drunk is over-reaction. The alcoholic may attach a seemingly disproportionate intensity of feeling to an ordinary insignificant event or mishap.
Some alcoholics who experience the dry drunk seem to know all the answers, are seldom at a loss for words when it comes to self-diagnosis. Their knowledge is quite impressive, their apparent insight, as opposed to genuine insight, is convincing.
CORRECTIVE MEASURES: Those undergoing a dry drunk lead impoverished lives. They experience severe limitations to grow,, to mature, and benefit from the possibilities that life offers. They lack the freshness and spontaneity that genuinely sober alcoholics manifest. Their life is a closed system, attitudes and behaviors are stereotyped, repetitive, and consequently predictable.
Alcoholics learn early that humility and a power greater than them- selves are the bedrock for a genuine and productive sobriety. An unusual measure of self-discipline must accompany the ego deflation process. Needed is self-discipline in honesty, patience and responsibility towards the recovery process [and acceptance of their disease]. [To improve long term goals of sobriety be aware of mental stressors, get more involved in the recovery program, get active in the 12 steps, get and use a sponsor, talk things out.] Hopefully. they will begin to appreciate the ironic folly of those alcoholics who think life has suddenly become manageable again; whose sanity is beyond question; who see no need of turning their lives over to a power greater then them- selves; who find personal inventories unnecessary since they are seldom in the wrong and are no longer subject to the embarrassing need of repairing the wrongs they have done.
When dry drunk alcoholics awaken to this irony that they, still unmanageable, still powerless, are the ones who have made this remarkable "recovery," they may feel sufficiently mortified to want to change.
Hope this helps you.
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Hi, i know all about the "dry drunk" my exbf was the perfect example of these behaviors. He was 7 months sober when we ended things. While we were together, he wanted to be in bed by 8 every night. He never changed his people, places and things. He drank O'douls, hung at AA's (not the good one) and Leigon's and we are talking a 34 year old, not a Vet by any means. He was nasty, distant, total denial, only went to AA once a week and he did go on commitments but looking back, it was probably more for his sponsor as he told him he wasn't working a good enough program. He was irritable, depressed, cranky, never ever wanted to go out or do anything. NASTY!! Well, now i hear he's right back to his "old bum self" so i'm assuming he's now drinking again.
Speaking from experience, he was WORSE dry. As the sober weeks went on he was lower and lower and lower, i'm sure due to the fact that he wanted to drink so badly and knew we were through if that was the case. He eventually left me, which by the grace of God, i'm finally starting to see the light and that he did me a favor.
This of course is only MY personal experience with the term "dry drunk". I truly believe if he was working a program like Astro, Best and Glass and the others in here that he would be shining instead of hiding
maybe someday he'll get it together but highly doubtful and glad i'm not being brought down with him anymore.
Speaking from experience, he was WORSE dry. As the sober weeks went on he was lower and lower and lower, i'm sure due to the fact that he wanted to drink so badly and knew we were through if that was the case. He eventually left me, which by the grace of God, i'm finally starting to see the light and that he did me a favor.
This of course is only MY personal experience with the term "dry drunk". I truly believe if he was working a program like Astro, Best and Glass and the others in here that he would be shining instead of hiding
maybe someday he'll get it together but highly doubtful and glad i'm not being brought down with him anymore.
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
I even said to him that i never imagined that trying to help him get sober would result in him leaving me. Guess he had a different plan and maybe wasn't done with his drinking life. I never believed my friend when he said it won't work, he never hit HIS rock bottom....not sure he will ever hit bottom.....sad.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Originally Posted by jillybean 
The alcoholic who rationalizes their own irresponsible behavior are also likely to find fault in the attitudes and behavior of others. Although not denying their own shortcomings, they attempt to escape notice by cataloging in great detail the transgressions of others.
ARL
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
While we were together, he wanted to be in bed by 8 every night.
What a great life for YOU, eh? I think they do that because if they are sleeping they won't drink.
"ya i'm selfish" YA YOU ARE!!!!
Oh I am the most self-centered person on the planet, didn't ya know? As soon as we stop enabling their behaviour, we are selfish, egotistical, self-centered, stingy b1tches. Read all about here, folks!
ARL
What a great life for YOU, eh? I think they do that because if they are sleeping they won't drink.
"ya i'm selfish" YA YOU ARE!!!!
Oh I am the most self-centered person on the planet, didn't ya know? As soon as we stop enabling their behaviour, we are selfish, egotistical, self-centered, stingy b1tches. Read all about here, folks!
ARL
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by hbb
I never believed my friend when he said it won't work, he never hit HIS rock bottom....not sure he will ever hit bottom.....sad.
You sound like me not so long ago...
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Yes, looking back, being in bed was definately for that reason, if he was asleep, he wasn't thinking about it! We'll see how long he can last in that world, something will happen, like drunk driving or an accident.
I don't wish i'll on him but i often told him i HOPED he got pulled over and did he EVER think about his parents or nephew coming the other way when he got on the road drunk as ever. But it could never happen to him, right? That was the excuse......it will catch up with him, he's not invincible.
I don't wish i'll on him but i often told him i HOPED he got pulled over and did he EVER think about his parents or nephew coming the other way when he got on the road drunk as ever. But it could never happen to him, right? That was the excuse......it will catch up with him, he's not invincible.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Well, my mother was a raging hateful alcoholic. SHe's been sober 30 years.
She still has a dry drunk even after 30 faithful years in AA.
For instance, she's on the phone with me. She's at my cousins house. SHe says to the cousin so that I can hear it, "I love you Danny, you do so much for me."
This is the same thing she did as a drunk. Try to lay a huge guilt trip on me. As though I am not doing enough for her! Hmmmph!
I just ignore the heck out of it.
She still has a dry drunk even after 30 faithful years in AA.
For instance, she's on the phone with me. She's at my cousins house. SHe says to the cousin so that I can hear it, "I love you Danny, you do so much for me."
This is the same thing she did as a drunk. Try to lay a huge guilt trip on me. As though I am not doing enough for her! Hmmmph!
I just ignore the heck out of it.
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