yourgirl

I filed for divorce last monday and it is pretty much turned into a no-fault because my AH is ready to sign. He allows me to stay if i want if I pay all my own bills . tolerate his drinking and get off his back . Oh and also I am a mooch according to him even though according to my attorney he is state mandated to pay me large sums of alimony and child support. He is so sickening to me in so many ways how could I have all the fear and anxiety I have at this moment. I aways wanted to be free thats what all my passwords and pin numbers say but why cant I do this with great joy and anticipation of a better life?

Barbara52

I'm sorry your are feeling so bad. Part of the reason is you are mourning the loss of your marriage. A normal thing and healthy. But I think you also know you are doing what is best for you. Also a healthy thing.

Its never easy to reach a decision to divorce. It took me a year to recognize that was the best thing I could do for myself and my AH. I feel ever so much better, more alive now that I've moved out and am beginning the divorce process.

Give yourself time. You are in pain and are mourning what you've lost due to your AH's addiction. It hurts.

denny57

My fear and anxiety came from trying to anticipate what the future held. My present day was pretty damn bad, so I took a chance and I am forever grateful.

elizabeth1979

I didnt do it with joy. Im doing it, but my own fear of not being good enough and ever wanted again hurt me to the core.
The fear of being less than acceptable rocked me. I would sit here and say I knew I was worth more than what I was tolerating, but the actual leaving and legality of it (and his response to that) left me dealing with abandonment, less than, and inferior issues. They rear up daily. I like to pretend they are gone, but they aren't.


Hope you stay here at SR, lots of support and undestanding

ladyjane

That first step into the unknown is probably creating fear and anxiety. Look at it as a new adventure for yourself and your children. Given a little time to find peace and serenity you'll also find great anticipation and joy in your better life.
_______________
Trish

2Growstrong

Yourgirl I feel no joy or anticipation either. I feel scared a lot of the time. I have cried my eyes out. But the life I was leading was misery. I just made up my mind and made the leap. Of course I have no dependent children to worry about and that made it easier for me, I can take care of myself. I also struggle with self worth issues ( as I guess anyone who stays with an abuser must). Just go one day at a time...and as my very wise for her age daughter told me...do something a little different everyday and start to "reinvent" yourself . With time and wisdom and a little help from our families and friends we will be okay.

TexasGirl

Wow, that's so right on. Yourgirl, I don't think any of us were jumping up and down at the thought of it all. Divorce is hard, any way you slice it. There are just so many facets to it...the legalities, the end of something you hoped would be forever, the freedom. All of that stuff jumbled up creates a lot of varied emotions. I first started the process with my attorney in February, and next Friday, it will be final. I think it's hard to move on to 100% joy and resolution until it's just that, resolved.
You can do it....the hardest part is behind you.

prodigal

yourgirl, it hurts a lot when they choose alcohol over us. In some ways, it hits us in the gut pretty hard. After all, an inanimate substance - a one-way ticket to the twilight zone - is what they prefer to a loving, intimate relationship with another human being. They just check out into laa-laa land and leave us with a lap full of grief, frustration, anger, and usually no closure.

I've heard the old "Get Offa My Back, B****" song so many times. So I finally obliged him and did just that. The sting of rejection initially hurt me, but I realized that he had made a choice to "romance the bottle" instead of me. I also had a very low opinion of myself that I was being rejected by a drunk!

Divorce is not joyful. The process is painful. We're giving up our hopes and dreams for a future with someone. Things have not turned out as we thought they would. It's a time of grieving and questioning ourselves. In all that pain, we can also begin to look inward and discover who we really are. That can be freeing. It's a process, it has its ups and downs, but we humans are very resiliant beings.

P.S. - Consider the "mooch" accusation to be what a lot of us call an A's "quacking," or as I term it blah, blah, blah. I've been told I'm a gold-digger, leach, burden, mooch ... you name it. Guess what? I'm not! But I sure bought into it and felt guilty for a long time about it. I finally sunk in for me that he was projecting all his self-hatred and bitterness towards himself and life in general onto me. Hey, I don't need that nonsense - let him find someone else to dump on!

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, yourgirl. alanon meetings help me - a lot. blessings, k

sunshine321

Divorce is hard when you are with a sober person. Divorce is hard when you are with a addict. It doesn't matter, it's the end of a dream and promises you both made to each other during a happy time in your lives. But I'm sure it's far from those days now. Mourn the loss, it's healthy and it's okay. You will get through this. You will be stronger for it. And I doubt you will ever regret it.

Jenny