Insight needed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 1
Insight needed
I think I am at the point of realizing how serious this situation may be. I have read multiple posts on this site so far to get some clarification, confirmation and mostly validation from what others have posted, and things are becoming clear - thank you to everyone.
So, I know my bf drinks too much - around a 12 pack a day (sometimes more, sometimes less).
Never none-at-all.
I am seeing his explanations for drinking as (what they really are) excuses: His father passed away (about 3 months before I met him a year and a half ago). Things have been very tight for us financially. He took on additional responsibilities at work. We had to put the dog to sleep. His tenant has been completely disrespectful. It is a lot of work to renovate a 1950's bungalow. Some crazy story that he needs to self-medicate to stop his intuitive dreams regarding people and bad things that are going to happen to them.
That last one has always been a tad ridiculous to me.
I know that comparatively speaking with the rest of the members here, my relationship with this man is relatively short, but I love him dearly.
He goes out of town on the weekends to work on the bungalow mentioned above, stays up until 3 or 4 in the morning, "Piddling", and then sleeping all day. He is not getting the fact that if he wakes up early, he can get the outside taken care of before the heat really starts in. I call him before I go to bed, usually around 11:00pm, and he is always about to go to bed himself, but then ends up staying awake, drinking, alone. When he stays in town with me, that can be even worse, as I work on the weekends. He will go out with friends, call me, telling me he will be home soon, then not making it home until after the bar closes.
I took the quiz mentioned at the top of this section, and yes, I can answer "yes" to more than 3.
I know being a little bit of an alcoholic is like being a little bit pregnant.
I know I can not change him.
I know I can not make him understand how much this hurts.
I know I can not broach this subject without being the one who ends up apologizing for yet another fight.
I know that it is almost every day now, that I think I am done.
I don't know if I am making this a bigger deal than what it is. He is not verbally or physically abusive. He goes to work on time. He mostly puts my needs first.
If I drink with him, yet moderate my intake, does that make me a hypocrite? An enabler?
If I drink with him and live the saying, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" does that make it wrong that I feel so much resentment?
So, I know my bf drinks too much - around a 12 pack a day (sometimes more, sometimes less).
Never none-at-all.
I am seeing his explanations for drinking as (what they really are) excuses: His father passed away (about 3 months before I met him a year and a half ago). Things have been very tight for us financially. He took on additional responsibilities at work. We had to put the dog to sleep. His tenant has been completely disrespectful. It is a lot of work to renovate a 1950's bungalow. Some crazy story that he needs to self-medicate to stop his intuitive dreams regarding people and bad things that are going to happen to them.
That last one has always been a tad ridiculous to me.
I know that comparatively speaking with the rest of the members here, my relationship with this man is relatively short, but I love him dearly.
He goes out of town on the weekends to work on the bungalow mentioned above, stays up until 3 or 4 in the morning, "Piddling", and then sleeping all day. He is not getting the fact that if he wakes up early, he can get the outside taken care of before the heat really starts in. I call him before I go to bed, usually around 11:00pm, and he is always about to go to bed himself, but then ends up staying awake, drinking, alone. When he stays in town with me, that can be even worse, as I work on the weekends. He will go out with friends, call me, telling me he will be home soon, then not making it home until after the bar closes.
I took the quiz mentioned at the top of this section, and yes, I can answer "yes" to more than 3.
I know being a little bit of an alcoholic is like being a little bit pregnant.
I know I can not change him.
I know I can not make him understand how much this hurts.
I know I can not broach this subject without being the one who ends up apologizing for yet another fight.
I know that it is almost every day now, that I think I am done.
I don't know if I am making this a bigger deal than what it is. He is not verbally or physically abusive. He goes to work on time. He mostly puts my needs first.
If I drink with him, yet moderate my intake, does that make me a hypocrite? An enabler?
If I drink with him and live the saying, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" does that make it wrong that I feel so much resentment?
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
You are the only one that can answer the questions, but I will offer this ~ 12 beers a day (give or take), every day, is a great, big, red flag. Don't expect things to get better. Your relationship is still in the "honeymoon" phase. Decide what you want your future to look like, and whether this future is realistic with this man.
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
(((2 quick))) welcome - keep reading and posting....there is MUCH strength and wisdom to be found here...be gentle and patient with yourself...you will know what is right for you to do...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Welcome 2Quick2Judge...read, read and read some more on this board and you will soon see that what you are experiencing with your BF is life with an addict....it doesn't get better but always gets worse.
Check out threads by CDK1972 and hbb as they are recent ones which come to mind.
I am a very moderate drinker...one glass of wine kind of gal. I used to go for two with XABF sometimes and wonder if he would note that it is possible to make two glasses of wine last the whole evening! I guess that is enabling behaviour because I didn't really want the second glass but was hoping to show him the meaning of "moderation".
The "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" only works if you are truly convinced about what you are doing. And if you aren't an A, I don't think you can make yourself become one. So yeah....resentment would be a normal reaction because you'd be thinking see what I do for you!
ARL
Check out threads by CDK1972 and hbb as they are recent ones which come to mind.
I am a very moderate drinker...one glass of wine kind of gal. I used to go for two with XABF sometimes and wonder if he would note that it is possible to make two glasses of wine last the whole evening! I guess that is enabling behaviour because I didn't really want the second glass but was hoping to show him the meaning of "moderation".
The "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" only works if you are truly convinced about what you are doing. And if you aren't an A, I don't think you can make yourself become one. So yeah....resentment would be a normal reaction because you'd be thinking see what I do for you!
ARL
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
2quick2judge - If you think he's an alcoholic, he probably is. Is he functioning? Sound like it. But so what? The excuses, I've heard a million of them. Every day it's a new one. But I know that's what they are and he does too. He's not fooling anyone. I get so tired of the BS. It wears me down. The one thing you wrote that sent a red flag up was "I know I can not broach this subject without being the one who ends up apologizing for yet another fight." Have you asked yourself why that happens? The fact that you've broached the subject and it's been met with defensiveness and hostility should tell you something and I think it has. Maybe you're not ready yet to admit it fully. That's okay. In good time. Go to an Al-Anon meeting. It's the best thing I ever did for myself. Also read some books, Co Dependent No More and Getting Them Sober.
Bottom-line question for you: Is this the life YOU want?
Jenny
Bottom-line question for you: Is this the life YOU want?
Jenny
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