new to the forum...not the mess(long)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Irvine, Ca
Posts: 6
new to the forum...not the mess(long)
hi
little background bout me...
Married 17 years this last saturday. We have 3 kids S16, S12 & D5
Up untill 1 year ago my h was sober for 7 years but without a program.
He turned his addiction to food and became obese.
2 years ago he had gastric bypass surgery and in less then a year he lost over 100 pounds.
His system went crazy. He had chemical imbalance and his testosterone levels dropped. He became depressed and suffered from ED. He lost all desire for me, was unhappy with his life. And picked up the bottle again.
He went on testosterone treatments, took supplements to balance his hormones and we started really working on things. But he was still drinking.
Soon I found out about his affair. My world was torn apart and I kicked him out of the house.
He was very remorseful (was 3x's and the e-mail I found was him ending it with her)
we continued with M counseling even seperated.
wasnt long before we realized just how bad the drinking was. He started AA but sporadically. Eventually it got so bad he went into rehab. but...once there all he wanted was to get out, fought to use his blackberry to keep working etc.
we all attended about 2 months of outpatient family groups and then he relapsed again.
He has gone back in forth relapsing for about 8 months now. his most days sober is 68 days. He gets to step 4 and relapses.
He has gotten a DUI, lost his job, our finances are in the toilet and our beautiful marraige has been almost destroyed.
He is about 45 days sober again and seems to be putting the program first this time. He has a sponsor and attends meetings daily.
My biggest issue right now is his contact with the ow. I dont think the affair has continued as he lives a mile from me and I am in contact with him all the time. He is either at AA or work. but...he has ended e-mail contact with her about 3x and it always resumes some how.
This last weekend we were on a mini vacation for his moms 60th birthday and I discovered that he was talking to her AGAIN! He promised I was more important and he would stop the contact again. He says he talked to her the day we got back and that they wont be speaking any more but it still hurts so bad.
I admit that I stopped going to alanon. I am basically raising 3 kids on my own and I started working nights to help bring in money so we dont loose our house and so I have something to fall back on if he relapses again or looses another job.
My h is a very successful man. We have fought our way up from nothing to living extremely well. And it is almost all gone. In a year it is almost all gone.
I am trying hard to remain strong, to give him the space and time he needs for his recovery. But this rollercoaster is making me sick.
I love him. I am not done with our marraige yet. Why do I continue to let him hurt me? I do see him as trying hard to get better. He takes responability for all of this and has so much guilt.
I am just so sad, mad, confused, lonely, lost etc.
I was on another forum and someone suggested this site as well as some on-line meetings when I cant get to a FTF
Yesterday h found out that our insurance canceled us because of his DUI. To get it back it will cost a fortune and there is no way we can afford to put S16 (new license) on our isurance under the SR-22. My S16 is going to be devestated and my h feels horrible guilt about it.
also, he had already gone to court but something got screwed up and he got a notice that his license was suspended again. He had to spend 2 hours at DMV to try to straighten it out...go sign up for the DUI school AGAIN! The money is almost gone.
Last I talked to him he was on his was to AA because he was very ready to drink. He didnt drink yesterday. But I spent the night crying.
how does this happen? why? We had it all and now its gone. Will I ever have my wonderful husband back? will I ever be able to forgive him for the betrayals?
this is where I am at. I want this nightmare to be over but I am not ready to give up on my M.
God Bless
little background bout me...
Married 17 years this last saturday. We have 3 kids S16, S12 & D5
Up untill 1 year ago my h was sober for 7 years but without a program.
He turned his addiction to food and became obese.
2 years ago he had gastric bypass surgery and in less then a year he lost over 100 pounds.
His system went crazy. He had chemical imbalance and his testosterone levels dropped. He became depressed and suffered from ED. He lost all desire for me, was unhappy with his life. And picked up the bottle again.
He went on testosterone treatments, took supplements to balance his hormones and we started really working on things. But he was still drinking.
Soon I found out about his affair. My world was torn apart and I kicked him out of the house.
He was very remorseful (was 3x's and the e-mail I found was him ending it with her)
we continued with M counseling even seperated.
wasnt long before we realized just how bad the drinking was. He started AA but sporadically. Eventually it got so bad he went into rehab. but...once there all he wanted was to get out, fought to use his blackberry to keep working etc.
we all attended about 2 months of outpatient family groups and then he relapsed again.
He has gone back in forth relapsing for about 8 months now. his most days sober is 68 days. He gets to step 4 and relapses.
He has gotten a DUI, lost his job, our finances are in the toilet and our beautiful marraige has been almost destroyed.
He is about 45 days sober again and seems to be putting the program first this time. He has a sponsor and attends meetings daily.
My biggest issue right now is his contact with the ow. I dont think the affair has continued as he lives a mile from me and I am in contact with him all the time. He is either at AA or work. but...he has ended e-mail contact with her about 3x and it always resumes some how.
This last weekend we were on a mini vacation for his moms 60th birthday and I discovered that he was talking to her AGAIN! He promised I was more important and he would stop the contact again. He says he talked to her the day we got back and that they wont be speaking any more but it still hurts so bad.
I admit that I stopped going to alanon. I am basically raising 3 kids on my own and I started working nights to help bring in money so we dont loose our house and so I have something to fall back on if he relapses again or looses another job.
My h is a very successful man. We have fought our way up from nothing to living extremely well. And it is almost all gone. In a year it is almost all gone.
I am trying hard to remain strong, to give him the space and time he needs for his recovery. But this rollercoaster is making me sick.
I love him. I am not done with our marraige yet. Why do I continue to let him hurt me? I do see him as trying hard to get better. He takes responability for all of this and has so much guilt.
I am just so sad, mad, confused, lonely, lost etc.
I was on another forum and someone suggested this site as well as some on-line meetings when I cant get to a FTF
Yesterday h found out that our insurance canceled us because of his DUI. To get it back it will cost a fortune and there is no way we can afford to put S16 (new license) on our isurance under the SR-22. My S16 is going to be devestated and my h feels horrible guilt about it.
also, he had already gone to court but something got screwed up and he got a notice that his license was suspended again. He had to spend 2 hours at DMV to try to straighten it out...go sign up for the DUI school AGAIN! The money is almost gone.
Last I talked to him he was on his was to AA because he was very ready to drink. He didnt drink yesterday. But I spent the night crying.
how does this happen? why? We had it all and now its gone. Will I ever have my wonderful husband back? will I ever be able to forgive him for the betrayals?
this is where I am at. I want this nightmare to be over but I am not ready to give up on my M.
God Bless
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Ditto....Welcome Kay and I'm so sorry that you are going through this again-you sound as if your head is on straight and maybe the online Al-Anon could work for you for now. Glad that you found SR! Read some stickies at the top of the forum to help you as well.
Take care of you
Take care of you
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, kay rae, glad you're here!
Maybe you can start by reading the Stickys at the top of the forum.
Several of the meetings I attend offer babysitting, so maybe you can call the district office and see what's available to you.
Good luck and keep posting!
Maybe you can start by reading the Stickys at the top of the forum.
Several of the meetings I attend offer babysitting, so maybe you can call the district office and see what's available to you.
Good luck and keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
Kay Rae, you really hit a lot of nerves with your story.
"I discovered that he was talking to her AGAIN!" I know your pain. I have been putting up with this since mid-June. I'm no fool, I have my ABF's email password and scan what's going on. He's not going to make a fool out of me if I can help it. So when I say, "Have you been talking to so & so?" and he says "no" I flat out lay the info on the line. There's always a denial, then gradually he comes clean. It is incredibly painful, and I'm ready to call it quits.
My ABF "forgot" to file taxes for a couple years, "forgot" to get checks, "forgot" he's overdrawn, "forgot" to pay his car insurance, and I bail him out. And when I ask him to discontinue contact with an ex-GF, he says I'm psychotic. That there's nothing going on? Okay, so what's with day-trip to see a play, and what's with the dinner date that I busted up?
Sorry, I'm just as frustrated as you. I never wanted him to be my BF, just to see him get into rehab. But you can't fix another person through love, and it's all too easy to get sucked in.
"I discovered that he was talking to her AGAIN!" I know your pain. I have been putting up with this since mid-June. I'm no fool, I have my ABF's email password and scan what's going on. He's not going to make a fool out of me if I can help it. So when I say, "Have you been talking to so & so?" and he says "no" I flat out lay the info on the line. There's always a denial, then gradually he comes clean. It is incredibly painful, and I'm ready to call it quits.
My ABF "forgot" to file taxes for a couple years, "forgot" to get checks, "forgot" he's overdrawn, "forgot" to pay his car insurance, and I bail him out. And when I ask him to discontinue contact with an ex-GF, he says I'm psychotic. That there's nothing going on? Okay, so what's with day-trip to see a play, and what's with the dinner date that I busted up?
Sorry, I'm just as frustrated as you. I never wanted him to be my BF, just to see him get into rehab. But you can't fix another person through love, and it's all too easy to get sucked in.
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. That is a lot to lose and I understand that you don't want to give up on your marriage. I'm amazed that you have kept it together for so long. Maybe a therapist can help you? And meetings and more meetings. I can't go at night as well so I go on my lunch hour whenever possible. Also this site is helpful and there are lots of great people with advice and sympathy/empathy too. I hope some of this burden lifts soon. Let Go and Let God.
Jenny
Jenny
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