evilbad

I'm 27, and grew up with an addict mom. I don't know what she was in to when I was young, but I knew towards the end (before I moved out) it was crack and probably meth.

Her addiction always came first. We never had money, her moods were based on whether or not she could get high, and if she couldn't, watch out. She was extremely abusive and I don't know how she escaped CPS for all those years.

I could list on and on the things that she did, but really, I am trying to move past it. I have tried to live a good life and be a good person and wife and parent, but some days I just frustrate myself.

I have a lot of self-defeating behavior, and tend to procrastinate until there's no way to fix a problem. I never share my feelings, and tend to "Suck it up" when something bothers me. I can't speak my mind, and I always think that everything that goes wrong is my fault, like the fricking world revolves around me or something.

HOw can I start to move past this? My mom will never admit to what she's done, and when confronted says she's "Forgiven herself" for the years of abuse and lies and non-parenting. I don't even know how to forgive her, and she's already moved on, it seems. Oh well, I live in a different country and she never sees me or my son, and I intend to keep it that way.

lillamy

Hi.
Welcome!

You know... when you live with an addict, it affects you. You can move out of the situation, but you keep carrying the luggage. It might sound corny, but I think even years after the fact, you might like Al-Anon.

You sound like you're insightful about yourself and your behavior patterns -- I think Al-Anon could show you that some of those patterns are pretty "normal" for those of us who have lived with an addict. Being surrounded by others who can relate is really a relief. And learning how to slowly change those behavior patterns and start functioning in a new and healthier way is something I'm also learning at Al-Anon.

And hang out here. Do. I learn an awful lot from the folks here.

Rella927

Welcome to SR evil! Read some stickies at the top of the page and there is also another forum you may want to try out as well-Adult children of A's.

Al-Anon would be as Lillamy stated something to try out! It has helped me alot in my journey away from the crazy childhood thtat I grew up in. Everyone knows what you are going through you are not alone!

Keep posting SR is a great place!

sunshine321

Hi, that sounds horrible to have to go through as a child and an adult. I understand what you are saying about how she's forgiven herself but you haven't forgiven her yet. I don't blame you. Doesn't she want your forgiveness? Has she made amends to you? Is she in a program? I'm glad for you that she is far away. Sometimes I think it's best, the distance, to keep things in perspective. Have you ever tried psychotherapy? It really helped me get past some of the anger and rage I had toward my parents. It freed me from a lot of stuff I was hanging on to. There were real injustices done to me, but I had to let them go. It was getting to heavy to keep carrying them around every where I went. I hope you find comfort on these boards. SR is a great place. Keep posting.

Jenny

caileesnana

Hi, and welcome. Sorry you had such a hard time. I am a mom w/ and addict daughter. There of many like me and you here. Look at Friends and Family of substance abusers. Lots of good advice there.

You didn't deserve what happened, you were a child. You can have a better life!
susan

respektingme

My stepmother was abusive to me and my stepbrother. My stepmother then claimed later that she did the best she could. At the time, I wanted to laugh when she said that. But perhaps she did do the best SHE could, which was incredibly lame for any average person.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Have you ever tried alanon? I'm going tonight. I absolutely love it.

Spiritual Seeker

Welcome !! Al-Anon helped me learn to be expressive. First, I listened and by others example I learned to open up. Just like you, when I was a child my homelife did not allow me to express my feelings nor was it demonstrated. Now that I can, ALL of my relationships are much more rewarding and deeper...those with my mom, friends, husband, etc. Now I am much happier. I was so blocked off from my emotions before. If you haven't tried this kind of a support group I rec. giving it a try. It takes several visits and finding just the right group for the process to begin. It will help you be a better mom too so that you can lead by example to your kids and have real intimacy with them. I wish I had known this when my son was young. Please keep posting.

hello-kitty

Hi evilbad, go easy on yourself ok? I'm sorry you grew up with an addict mom. That has to be so horrible - taking second place to something you don't even understand. And probably blaming yourself.

Has your mom ever asked for your forgiveness? Does she know you know about her drug addiction? Is she in recovery? Maybe she's just not there yet. Some people never figure it out, ya know.

Instead of forgiving her, maybe try to forgiving yourself for being angry with her (it's completely understandable), for not being perfect (no one is).

Try to focus on your own recovery from a less than ideal childhood, and then move forward from there.

evilbad

You know, she's never tried to make amends for anything she did. I think she's still in denial about how she treated me and my brothers (and anybody else who would let her use them). She claims that she's clean, but isn't following a program, just says she's clean and feels that we should all believe her. If she was willing to take some responsibility for what she did, I might be able to let go of some of my anger, but she won't even admit to half of what went on, or says I'm making it up. I honestly don't even know what to say when she comes at me with that kind of stuff, so I just don't deal with it.

Thank you everybody for all the responses, I wasn't sure this was the right place, I'm still kind of feeling this whole thing out right now. It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I am willing to seek help, luckily I have a supportive husband who hasn't given up on me.

Rella927

So sorry again you are dealing with this! Please stick around it is a great place!

I know with my mother I had wished the same thing that she would just take responsibility for her actions when I was a child. Guess what?! I have learned in my recovery
that it was my job to take action and learn how to not react to her in the manner that I did back then,which created fuel to her fire! The anger that I kept stored for the things she was saying was really my own problem and in order for me not be so angry at the things she did or said I had to do something about it, not her!

I learned that my mother will not accept her part but, I have accepted mine and dealt with my restentment towards her. I forgave her and realize that she did the best she could with the hand she was dealt and I cannot change her I can only change how I react to her comments towards me. (Which she still does today but backs off because I do not react in the manner that I use too) I love her for who she is and know that at this stage in her life she may never change and that is ok, I will love her just the same because I know now what she is doing is just what she does she does not realize any better because she is not willing to do the work to change it and she may never. And that is ok! My father was an A that never recovered God rest his soul, My 2 brothers which I have let go reacting to as well and forgave. The XABF I'm still working on that one...it takes time evil but you can do it too!

I feel working out our issues and accepting that we have the power to change how we react is probably one of the greatest tools invented!

Hang in there! Glad your husband is supportive!

seasondoff

I'm new too. Don't have much advice for you but I think we both found the right place to get help!