Question about support?
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
Question about support?
Its not about me really . The restraining order is in place and ah is back in the hospital . Its seems that his mental issues (PTSD and Depression) are taking the front burner while his alcoholism is being considered the 'band-aid' .
Im wondering about his family . After ah threatened to commit suicide , his mother went on vacation . Part of me is thinking she should go away and not stop her life for him but then the other part of me (the mother part) is thinking , how could she leave on a vacation when her son is in such turmoil ?
Im also thinking that its probably none of my business what my MIL decides to do , its her decision to make .
So this brings me to my question and Im not sure if I'm going to word it correctly .
For me , ah would need at least 1 year of sobriety before I would even consider dropping the restraining order , and during that year it would need to be all action and very little talking on his part . With that said , I do still care about what happens to him and I do want him to recover (if its what he wants too) . Now what about his family ?? Im sure there is no straight answer but what are your honest opinions on when his family should let him know that they are there for him and they care ? He has a brother and a sister , a mother and a step father . As I said earlier his mom & stepfather are on vacation . His sister nor his brother have called him and his brothers wife just called me for the first time in a month yesterday to ask if I would be making it to her sons bday party . No mention of ah at all . Didnt even ask how the kids & I were doing .
I flip flop on my feelings about this .. partly I feel that nobody should stand between him and his bottom therefore his family should let him fall . But then I start to question , how do you know when they have fallen far enough ?
I think I just answered my own question ... I guess you can tell by their actions ?
Im wondering about his family . After ah threatened to commit suicide , his mother went on vacation . Part of me is thinking she should go away and not stop her life for him but then the other part of me (the mother part) is thinking , how could she leave on a vacation when her son is in such turmoil ?
Im also thinking that its probably none of my business what my MIL decides to do , its her decision to make .
So this brings me to my question and Im not sure if I'm going to word it correctly .
For me , ah would need at least 1 year of sobriety before I would even consider dropping the restraining order , and during that year it would need to be all action and very little talking on his part . With that said , I do still care about what happens to him and I do want him to recover (if its what he wants too) . Now what about his family ?? Im sure there is no straight answer but what are your honest opinions on when his family should let him know that they are there for him and they care ? He has a brother and a sister , a mother and a step father . As I said earlier his mom & stepfather are on vacation . His sister nor his brother have called him and his brothers wife just called me for the first time in a month yesterday to ask if I would be making it to her sons bday party . No mention of ah at all . Didnt even ask how the kids & I were doing .
I flip flop on my feelings about this .. partly I feel that nobody should stand between him and his bottom therefore his family should let him fall . But then I start to question , how do you know when they have fallen far enough ?
I think I just answered my own question ... I guess you can tell by their actions ?
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Well, may be his family has had enough. You don't get to decide when he's fallen far enough. Only he can determine that.
I would say, don't worry about when you might drop the restraining order. It's going to be in the future sometime and is completely out of your hands.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
hugs
I would say, don't worry about when you might drop the restraining order. It's going to be in the future sometime and is completely out of your hands.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
hugs
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
It's not your place to try and determine when and if his family should show support for him. The relationship is between them, not you and them.
He is an adult, and his parents shouldn't have to put their life on hold for him, they raised him, they did their part, the rest is up to him.
No one can determine anothers bottom, some addicts never reach their bottom, and it is the addicts problem to resolve, they caused it, and as an adult, it is their responsiblity to seek recovery and follow through.
I wouldn't worry about when to lift the RO, there should be no set date, sit back and watch what he does, the ball is in his court.
He is an adult, and his parents shouldn't have to put their life on hold for him, they raised him, they did their part, the rest is up to him.
No one can determine anothers bottom, some addicts never reach their bottom, and it is the addicts problem to resolve, they caused it, and as an adult, it is their responsiblity to seek recovery and follow through.
I wouldn't worry about when to lift the RO, there should be no set date, sit back and watch what he does, the ball is in his court.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: iowa
Posts: 93
so many times I've thought you and i are living the same life.
after the last time stbxah finished inpatient treatment, he was to stay with his mom. his mom totally knew what was going on with him - he had had 2 seizures, broke his neck in an owi accident, and countless hospitalizations. while he was at her house his mom said he was doing so well (he had her totally fooled).
she has since seen that there is very little she can do for him. he moved into an apartment so he could drink freely, without her there. she still brings him food, bought him a car (when he did have his license before the sentencing) which he has sold we believe, she was washing his clothes. he had asked her for money to pay his fines, (he wanted $700) she gave him a couple hundred. nothing was paid on his fines, i don't think she forks over the big bills anymore - but she still helps him.
as for stbxah's brother and sister - his sister tried to get him into a treatment center in her town (her state capital). stbxah just proved to her how bad his problem was, and she had to waste gas picking him up and taking him back. although she still calls and talks to him - she's not helping him anymore (to my knowledge).
his brother and ah still talk quite often, i sometimes wonder if bro-in-law isn't on his way to being an alcoholic too- but it's not my place to say. he has at times given him small amounts of money - but his wife won't put up with supporting him either.
no matter how much you love them - it's never enough and they always want more. they need $20 so you give it to them,; but then they come back and need another $20 - until you're broke. eventually extended family realize the problem too - but i can't control them.
when my mo-in-law says she did something for ah - i just remind her that that may not have helped him in the long run. but i leave it at that.
good luck
after the last time stbxah finished inpatient treatment, he was to stay with his mom. his mom totally knew what was going on with him - he had had 2 seizures, broke his neck in an owi accident, and countless hospitalizations. while he was at her house his mom said he was doing so well (he had her totally fooled).
she has since seen that there is very little she can do for him. he moved into an apartment so he could drink freely, without her there. she still brings him food, bought him a car (when he did have his license before the sentencing) which he has sold we believe, she was washing his clothes. he had asked her for money to pay his fines, (he wanted $700) she gave him a couple hundred. nothing was paid on his fines, i don't think she forks over the big bills anymore - but she still helps him.
as for stbxah's brother and sister - his sister tried to get him into a treatment center in her town (her state capital). stbxah just proved to her how bad his problem was, and she had to waste gas picking him up and taking him back. although she still calls and talks to him - she's not helping him anymore (to my knowledge).
his brother and ah still talk quite often, i sometimes wonder if bro-in-law isn't on his way to being an alcoholic too- but it's not my place to say. he has at times given him small amounts of money - but his wife won't put up with supporting him either.
no matter how much you love them - it's never enough and they always want more. they need $20 so you give it to them,; but then they come back and need another $20 - until you're broke. eventually extended family realize the problem too - but i can't control them.
when my mo-in-law says she did something for ah - i just remind her that that may not have helped him in the long run. but i leave it at that.
good luck
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
How many vacations do I put off? How much of my life do I sacrifice to another's addiction? Why does someone else's sickness dictate my day to day activities? I hope his mother his having a wonderful time; I hope he finds recovery.
((()))
((()))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by LGLG07 
For me , ah would need at least 1 year of sobriety before I would even consider dropping the restraining order
To 'me'...a RO is 'more permanent' than divorce....more like death...of the relationship.
Again...that's just 'ME'!!
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
Sorry everyone and thanks for your input . I guess I do still fantasize that in a year from now he will be long sober and we will be able to keep our family together and live happily ever after . Now I realize this is exactly what it is .. a fantasy .. but I am still learning how to put it behind me and slip every now and again . I have no real intentions of dropping the restraining order and I have no expectations of what will happen for it just sets me up for being disappointed .
I do thank you again for being firm and getting my feet back on the ground !
Dont know what I would do without you guys !
I do thank you again for being firm and getting my feet back on the ground !
Dont know what I would do without you guys !
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