Rose56

I arrived home about an hour ago. My husband had made me dinner for when I arrived. THen he proceeded to tell me all the things that had gone wrong while I was gone. I was responsible for all of them in some way. He told me that his mother was angry and upset because my kids did not call her or send her a card while she was in the hosipital recently. She also complained that they never say thank you when she sends them something. This complaining is not like his mother. She only sends my kids something for CHristmas and their birthday. My son's birthday was this week.

For a few minutes I was successful in telling him that he was responsible for some of these things and that he was responsible for at least 50% of the child rearing and if he didn't like the people they had become, then it was partially his fault. The rest of the argument doesn't really matter. It ended as it always does. with me breaking into tears and asking him what I had done to deserve this ****? He looks right into my eyes and it doesn't faze him a bit that I am crying and hurting.

This is the one thing I can't understand. Yes I know I shouldn't expect anything from him especially when he has been drinking. But I really want to know why he treats me so badly. What I really want to know is why doesn't he love me? or care about me? WHy am I not worthy of his love?

I know this doesn't make sense, I know it is his disease. But this is the feeling that makes me stay: why doesn't he love me???

I am so tired from driving 4 hours from my trip and crying now to beat the band. I feel so ashamed of my life and myself. I tried to call a couple of Alanon friends, but no one is home. I called my sister and she talked to me in spite of the fact that she needed to be helping her son with his homework. So I am turning to you my friends.

The pain feels so deep and familar, like it is the same question I asked myself about my mother. Why doesn't she love me? I didn't even know then she was sick(mental illness). I just could'nt understand why she didn't seem to love me. thanks for listening.

Gabe

I'm sorry that you had such a crappy day. There is nothing worse than having someone you love, look at you like they don't care when you are upset. I sometimes think that indifference is a lot harder to take than hatred.
And news flash sweetie, you ARE worthy of his love. You are worthy of LOTS of love. If you aren't getting it from him, that is HIS problem. It sounds like he used you as a dumping ground...how rotten of him.
Don't be ashamed of yourself just because someone used you as an emotional punching bag. You have nothing to be ashamed of. If you let him, and his baggage, be your gauge for the quality of you and your life, you will always be disappointed. You need a better barometer.
You have a good heart and you are worthy of many good things. Say that to yourself five times, click your heels, and resolve to do something wonderful for yourself as soon as you're feeling better. And I want a report on what you did, and it better be WONDERFUL.
Peace,
Gabe

Rose56

Thanks Gabe,
I am feeling calmer now that I have distracted myself with tasks here. He has gone out, so I feel calmer about that and not tempted to "talk" to him. I think the hardest thing is that in spite of all the pain, disappointment, and heartache, the thought of breaking up with him makes me feel so sad. I so hate to give up on the dream of living happily with him. In spite of all the mean words, I know he loves me. I know he is hurting and that he is on a crash course to disaster.

But me, I feel a bit panicy, afraid I will never have the courage to make a happy life for myself, whatever that means. I pray for courage to be just me, and to find the right thing for just me. In my mind I know that I am worthy, but in my heart I am just a scard little girl afraid that her mommy doesn't love her, afraid her world will collapse any moment. I lived that way for so many years, I don't know any other way. Now I lay me down to sleep.................snnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooorrrrr rrrrrrreeeeeeeeeee.

journeygal

(((((((Rose)))))))))

You ARE worthy. You are a wonderful, beautiful, lovable human being and you deserve to be with someone who appreciates and adores you. Your husband is the one with the problem. You have no reason to feel shame.

Sending lots of hugs,
JG

Ann

******{Rose}}}

If he is not capable of loving himself, right now, he is incapable of loving anyone else.

But that doesn't mean you aren't lovable....it just means that at this moment he has none to give.

You're doing fine Rose. Anyone would hurt to hear those words, and I don't blame you for being upset.

Just keep doing good things for you, and know that we love you and care.

Sending huge hugs and some Ben & Jerry's Chunkey Monkey Ice Cream.

Hangin' In

Rose,

I am in NO way making excuses for your husband because I know how much he has hurt you by his actions or lack thereof. His behavior is just unacceptable. But Rose, if Donald Trump handed him a million bucks right now he wouldn't know how to love him either. My point - it's NOTHING you have done or haven't done.

The man is sick and incapable of loving anyone, including himself, when he is actively using. It's no reflection upon you. You are one fine person, worthy of lots of love. I'm so sorry you are hurting so right now.

I'm keeping you in my prayers that God will lift your spirits soon.

Love,

Hangin' In

matters

****** Rose}}}!!!!

When my husband is drinking he can be so mean verbally to me. He will say things that I know are not true, but they hurt me so deeply that it brings tears flowing. I could probably fill a lake with all the tears that have been shead over 25yrs.

The next day when he is sober he will then complement me. I will say "sure" or "yeah right" and he wonders why I respond that way. It can make your head spin trying to figure out if they are sincere after hearing the hurtful words spoken from the same person.

Try not to let it get you down Rose. He doesn't know how lucky he is to have you!!Always remember how much you are loved here.I know it is not the same but I hope it helps.

Love, hugs and prayers,
matters

liddy

HI (((Rose)))
you are so special !
guess what i found out only recently ??it took me 54 yrs.
but its acceptance, before i couldn't accept anything else in
my life the realization was i had not acccepted myself the way
i was. My growing up yrs. where there were no compliments
only criticism had much to do with that. but now Rose i love
myself ! i am special too. your Mom did you wrong and maybe
she didnt even know it, it may have been the way her mom
was to her.
The point is once we accept who we are and begin loving ourselves it spills out into our lives and to others in a new way.

I believe your husband loves you too , how could he not ??

Hugs
liddy

Rose56

Thanks Friends,
I am having a better day today. I am off from work for the long weekend and driving to Charlotte with my daughter and her friends for a concert they want to see. It should be fun. I have a new book to read and a suit to hit the hot tub at the pool.

Liddy, I think you are right, I am not there yet with self acceptance. I will keep on working on it.

Just for today I am feeling good. Thanks for all your support.

constant

Sorry I wasn't around for support. I have hardly had time to do anything with school winding down!

I hope that you have a GREAT time!! Really live it up! You ARE a wonderful person and don't forget it!!

Constant

margo

(((((((((Rose))))))))) I'm sorry I'm late coming in on this one, but I just wanted to send you lots of love, hugs, and support. I'm glad to know you're feeling better today. Enjoy your trip Rose - I think it's just what you need and I hope it will be really special, just like YOU!