A Story
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 32
A Story
Drunks are the most amazing people in the world.
Is this a joke? I first heard about him through a friend of mine. I was at the time
enduring the most lustfull and dependant relationship of my life, which was in fact crashing to a tumultuous end. "Girl you have got to meet him she says." Why? I say. "You two are perfect for eachother" "You two are going to get married someday, I can just feel it."
You could actually hear the boredom and disinterest in my typing. "I'm totally not
interested right now you know that." I say. "Well just add him to your msn. You can chat can't you?" "Fine" And I add him.
Over the next while we exchange a few words here and there, and then go silent. Never to be heard from again.
Or so I thought.
Months later, my phone rings and its him. Lets hang out he says. I'm sick and I say no. Besides, I don't even have a clue what this guy looks like, what he does, where he is going.
So whatever.
Week after he calls again. It was April Fools day. He wants to hang out the next day, fine I say resigned at that point to the fact that I will be eternally single anyways so there is no risk in going to a show together.
I guess the joke was on me.
He shows up, bottle of wine in hand, glaringly handsome and on the surface put together in all the right ways. He didn't appear like all the other clingy losers I tended to attract.
No he was different. He was, as I know now. An alcoholic.
Alcoholics are powerful, because its not the person the alcoholic has silenced that is
acting most of the time. Its the need for alcohol that drives them. Alcoholics are witty, charming, secretive and definitely by far the most broken people out there. How could I not fall instantly in love?
We kissed for 6 solid hours. We even got naked, but hold up!!! This is a gentleman. He got up and said he had to go, said if we had sex he would never see me again, and he definitely wanted to see me again. I was hooked.
The Alcoholic was confusing. Shortly after our dating spree started he wanted to see more and more of me. He asked me to come stay every other week at his place. So I did. He told me he loved it when I fell asleep every night in his lap while he watched movies. I'm betting now that is because he was able to drink himself unconscious but not alone, unbeknownst to me.
I tried so hard to not let him into my head too much from the get go, but he pushed and pushed. Made all kinds of promises he had no intention of keeping. Finally I gave in and thats when it all fell apart.
When we met I was in between jobs, and he was incredibly supportive of me in that area. Never looked down on me and never got angry or called me lazy or any of those things.
I guess its no surprise that when I started to enjoy some success he did get angry, and resentful and he drank. This is when he started to pee the bed, if he in fact made it that far.
My Alcoholic was a manic depressive. I saved his life more than once. I know cause he said so.
Now its my fault my Alcoholic is so ****** up.
A Family that drinks together stays together.
The truth is, all families are dysfunctional.
Mine is so because there is no support, dependence is not tolerated or even accepted. I guess I should thank my lucky stars that I come from a long line of tea-totaling, very well off, successful computer geeks. Or maybe not. These people have somehow made a life out of complete boredom and independence. Marriages of convenience run rampant, and they all exude the farce of shiny happy people driving their mini vans fully stocked with televisions and dvd players for the kids to numb their minds into acceptance. If there were genetic experiments to develop people that could live in a real live Orwellian type of social system, my family would be it.
I was taught early on that the only person I could truly rely on was myself. Which isn't a bad thing really, but in my case its a pretty extremist view point. I guess thats what happens when you raise yourself from the brittle age of 6 or so.
Natuarally we all live far enough away from eachother to have to go into bankruptcy if there were any true relationships to maintain over long distance telephone lines. I guess we don't all cling together cause we have absolutely nothing to hide. Squeaky clean and no skeletons in the closet, unless you consider having no family fabric at all one of those things tucked in behind of course.
My Alcoholics family is very close. The family that drinks together stays together right? My Alcoholic wanted me to be a part of his family. I tried, I really did. It was amusing at first. But after a while watching the entire team get wasted became really really old and I didn't wish to partake in the sadness of it all. I found myself with the same anxieties he expressed whenever there was a get together, the only difference was that I didn't wind up puking my guts out the next day or sleeping off my hangover till 4 in the afternoon like he did. This family can not be in the same room together sober, ever. And its apparently perfectly acceptable for a 30 year old man to act like a complete child in this environment. Its no surprise to me that when I was dropped off the invite list when I started trying to get my Alcoholic sober. Its no surprise to me that now that he has quit his job and left our home that they welcome him with open arms and do what they can to find him employment. Odd jobs, nothing gainfull of course. If they did that he might leave. If they did that he might have a life, stop drinking and not want to be around a bunch of drunks.
Dysfunctional families aren't all the same, mind taught independence, his taught dependence.
Can there never be a happy medium?
Never say "I Love you"
Or should I say, never say "I love you" and then qualify it with a statement like now you better never leave me.
Thats what he did to me. He projected his dependence on me and I became dependent. Thats the sneaky thing about over-independence. A statement like that can turn you into a slobbering, faithful, dependent dog to someone if you are not careful. I wasn't.
A week later he broke up with me.
3 days later he begged me to come back.
Push-Pull Push-Pull. Just the way I like it.
I took him back, couldn't bear to hear him cry anymore.
I'm weak.
Needs vs. Wants
I am a needy person. Who isn't. So trying not to be a needy person I focused on my wants.
I wanted a home with a man and a dog and a white picket fence. I wanted to go for long walks on the beach holding hands. I wanted to make love on Sunday afternoons.
This never happened. I'm too patient. He was too hungover to do any of these things. Ever. I forgot about my needs and focused on my wants. Till I forgot what my wants and needs were.
Sit down, Give UP , Get Drunk
I craved intimacy, and I found it. I got drunk. I found where he was and went there. I did this for months till I realized I was just killing both of us faster. It had to stop.
I had to stop. And I did more or less. But the Alcoholic just kept driving this crazy train looking for a wreck.
Sobriety is the End
I gave him 30 days. He went to his parents to 'dry out'. He did ok. But didn't. He was a dry drunk. He came home after that and started right up again. It got so bad he tried to kill himself twice. Thankfully the last time I was around and able to call the police. I've barely seen or spoken to him since. I miss him horribly. I go through times that I don't think I can ever go on. Beneath all that drinking there must have been SOME real love there. I can't move on until I know its the person that doesn't want me, and not the drunk.
So far in my experience the only thing dating a drunk has gotten me is sober. I can't seem to enjoy a simple drink.
Is this a joke? I first heard about him through a friend of mine. I was at the time
enduring the most lustfull and dependant relationship of my life, which was in fact crashing to a tumultuous end. "Girl you have got to meet him she says." Why? I say. "You two are perfect for eachother" "You two are going to get married someday, I can just feel it."
You could actually hear the boredom and disinterest in my typing. "I'm totally not
interested right now you know that." I say. "Well just add him to your msn. You can chat can't you?" "Fine" And I add him.
Over the next while we exchange a few words here and there, and then go silent. Never to be heard from again.
Or so I thought.
Months later, my phone rings and its him. Lets hang out he says. I'm sick and I say no. Besides, I don't even have a clue what this guy looks like, what he does, where he is going.
So whatever.
Week after he calls again. It was April Fools day. He wants to hang out the next day, fine I say resigned at that point to the fact that I will be eternally single anyways so there is no risk in going to a show together.
I guess the joke was on me.
He shows up, bottle of wine in hand, glaringly handsome and on the surface put together in all the right ways. He didn't appear like all the other clingy losers I tended to attract.
No he was different. He was, as I know now. An alcoholic.
Alcoholics are powerful, because its not the person the alcoholic has silenced that is
acting most of the time. Its the need for alcohol that drives them. Alcoholics are witty, charming, secretive and definitely by far the most broken people out there. How could I not fall instantly in love?
We kissed for 6 solid hours. We even got naked, but hold up!!! This is a gentleman. He got up and said he had to go, said if we had sex he would never see me again, and he definitely wanted to see me again. I was hooked.
The Alcoholic was confusing. Shortly after our dating spree started he wanted to see more and more of me. He asked me to come stay every other week at his place. So I did. He told me he loved it when I fell asleep every night in his lap while he watched movies. I'm betting now that is because he was able to drink himself unconscious but not alone, unbeknownst to me.
I tried so hard to not let him into my head too much from the get go, but he pushed and pushed. Made all kinds of promises he had no intention of keeping. Finally I gave in and thats when it all fell apart.
When we met I was in between jobs, and he was incredibly supportive of me in that area. Never looked down on me and never got angry or called me lazy or any of those things.
I guess its no surprise that when I started to enjoy some success he did get angry, and resentful and he drank. This is when he started to pee the bed, if he in fact made it that far.
My Alcoholic was a manic depressive. I saved his life more than once. I know cause he said so.
Now its my fault my Alcoholic is so ****** up.
A Family that drinks together stays together.
The truth is, all families are dysfunctional.
Mine is so because there is no support, dependence is not tolerated or even accepted. I guess I should thank my lucky stars that I come from a long line of tea-totaling, very well off, successful computer geeks. Or maybe not. These people have somehow made a life out of complete boredom and independence. Marriages of convenience run rampant, and they all exude the farce of shiny happy people driving their mini vans fully stocked with televisions and dvd players for the kids to numb their minds into acceptance. If there were genetic experiments to develop people that could live in a real live Orwellian type of social system, my family would be it.
I was taught early on that the only person I could truly rely on was myself. Which isn't a bad thing really, but in my case its a pretty extremist view point. I guess thats what happens when you raise yourself from the brittle age of 6 or so.
Natuarally we all live far enough away from eachother to have to go into bankruptcy if there were any true relationships to maintain over long distance telephone lines. I guess we don't all cling together cause we have absolutely nothing to hide. Squeaky clean and no skeletons in the closet, unless you consider having no family fabric at all one of those things tucked in behind of course.
My Alcoholics family is very close. The family that drinks together stays together right? My Alcoholic wanted me to be a part of his family. I tried, I really did. It was amusing at first. But after a while watching the entire team get wasted became really really old and I didn't wish to partake in the sadness of it all. I found myself with the same anxieties he expressed whenever there was a get together, the only difference was that I didn't wind up puking my guts out the next day or sleeping off my hangover till 4 in the afternoon like he did. This family can not be in the same room together sober, ever. And its apparently perfectly acceptable for a 30 year old man to act like a complete child in this environment. Its no surprise to me that when I was dropped off the invite list when I started trying to get my Alcoholic sober. Its no surprise to me that now that he has quit his job and left our home that they welcome him with open arms and do what they can to find him employment. Odd jobs, nothing gainfull of course. If they did that he might leave. If they did that he might have a life, stop drinking and not want to be around a bunch of drunks.
Dysfunctional families aren't all the same, mind taught independence, his taught dependence.
Can there never be a happy medium?
Never say "I Love you"
Or should I say, never say "I love you" and then qualify it with a statement like now you better never leave me.
Thats what he did to me. He projected his dependence on me and I became dependent. Thats the sneaky thing about over-independence. A statement like that can turn you into a slobbering, faithful, dependent dog to someone if you are not careful. I wasn't.
A week later he broke up with me.
3 days later he begged me to come back.
Push-Pull Push-Pull. Just the way I like it.
I took him back, couldn't bear to hear him cry anymore.
I'm weak.
Needs vs. Wants
I am a needy person. Who isn't. So trying not to be a needy person I focused on my wants.
I wanted a home with a man and a dog and a white picket fence. I wanted to go for long walks on the beach holding hands. I wanted to make love on Sunday afternoons.
This never happened. I'm too patient. He was too hungover to do any of these things. Ever. I forgot about my needs and focused on my wants. Till I forgot what my wants and needs were.
Sit down, Give UP , Get Drunk
I craved intimacy, and I found it. I got drunk. I found where he was and went there. I did this for months till I realized I was just killing both of us faster. It had to stop.
I had to stop. And I did more or less. But the Alcoholic just kept driving this crazy train looking for a wreck.
Sobriety is the End
I gave him 30 days. He went to his parents to 'dry out'. He did ok. But didn't. He was a dry drunk. He came home after that and started right up again. It got so bad he tried to kill himself twice. Thankfully the last time I was around and able to call the police. I've barely seen or spoken to him since. I miss him horribly. I go through times that I don't think I can ever go on. Beneath all that drinking there must have been SOME real love there. I can't move on until I know its the person that doesn't want me, and not the drunk.
So far in my experience the only thing dating a drunk has gotten me is sober. I can't seem to enjoy a simple drink.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,061
Originally Posted by AllMyFault 
Now its my fault my Alcoholic is so ****** up
I'm an alcoholic, and I was told in early sobriety that someday I'd hear someone else tell the same story I had. Now I hear "The Story Of Me" spoken in the rooms of AA and on SR almost every week. It's uncanny how similar some of our stories are, I hear the story of my ex and I played back like a slide show at times.
Thank you for sharing what I'm sure are painful recollections. Eventually we all find a way to move on and remember the love that brought us together in the first place, and then to let go.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Orange, Texas
Posts: 36
<crying> Thanks for sharing!! I think we all can see a little of us in that story, weather our loved one is an alcoholic or a drug addict. It's the same.
HUGGS
HUGGS
Last edited by Teazr17458; 07-20-2007 at 02:28 PM. Reason: spelling
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