Praise7

I read the thread about being detached. Please tell me how to get there.

hopeangel

hi praise i'll try my best to tell you how i have done it. for me the most important part was to allow myself enough emotional and physical distance (set boundaries) to be able to really see things clearly.

i am no longer doing things for him. i am doing things for me. i am keeping very busy. i am doing things with friends and family (rarely home). i am doing things that i really enjoy. reading good books. -"codependent no more" by melody beattie- "toxic people -10 ways of dealing with people who make your life miserable" by lillian glass.

it is a process and every little step helps

guineapigjude

I am still in the process, but can offer a little advice into whats worked for me. Besides everything hopeangel suggested, I sat myself down and made a big list of things I did regularly for XAH and things he did for me. Seeing it in writing was an eye opener! Then I went through the list of things I did for him (this means physically, emotionally, finacially, etc) and decided which were truly his responsibility.

Thats a starting point for me, giving him back the things that are really up to him to do, as an adult.
I'm sure you'll get lots of great advice here. Good luck!

MsPINKAcres

Detachment is a process - sometimes to start taking care of ourselves - we detach with a machette until we can learn to detach with love in a healthy way.

Reading the literature on detachment helped me. Then I started asking questions before I did certain actions:
Is this really my responsibility?
Am I doing something that my loved one really COULD do for themselves?
Am I doing something that my loved one really SHOULD do for themselves?
Then I learned about the things I said by asking myself:
Does this need to be said?
Does this need to be said now?
Does this need to be said now by me?

Sometimes just taking the time to ask myself these questions gave me a chance to breathe and a moment before I reacted to the actions of the A's in my life -

Don't beat yourself up - Detachment is a process & believe me, I am still working on it.
Progress not Perfection.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, praise. i go to alanon, that really helps me. i remind myself everyday that i didn't cause my daughter's addiction, nor can i cure or control it. i detach not to abandon her, but to allow her to find her own way.

blessings, k

Missy

If you go and get ivolved with Al-anon you will be way too busy to think about your alcholic and their behavior.
You will be amazed at how you will find a change in you..
one day at a time...
missy xo

WhatAboutME

I did all of the above as well. For me, I could not really detach until my AH had left the house. With him not around, I become the most important thing in the household (despite what my dogs may think!). I HAD to focus on myself and ask the hard questions...Why do I continue to stay in such an unhappy situation? Why don't I believe that I deserve better? Etc. I know others here have been able to detach in a healthy way with their A still living under the same roof, and I tried, I just found myself constantly reverting to old behaviors. But that's just me.

Mair

Ive detached from my xab 8 days ago, it's painful journey yesterday i felt dead and cried all day, today was so much better i kept myself really busy. I wrote him a letter telling him that i loved him but not the drinking and that was why i was leaving him it has nothing to with love. it will probably fall on deaf years but for some strange reason i felt better. i took some advice from these great people here and did things for me i joined the local gym, cleaned the house and ironed every peice of clothing i could find!!!!! and it worked. Tomorrow who knows how i will feel? Thinking of you

Mx

sthrnraizd

Just think how sharp you will look with al that ironed clothing, :-)

Spiritual Seeker

In my exper: I stay focused on making my own life as joyful as I can, connecting deeply with a few friends that I am able to share my pain with, set goals and accomplish them, routine exercise program, music on, my own recovery program and working the steps in
Al-Anon, cry when I need to, don't let my thoughts go to fear, doubt or worry, gratitude for my Many blessings, traveling, Time passing, being of service, + changing the things I can and accepting the things I can't.

Mair

lol, the poor cat was saved!!!!!!

hopeangel

something else that has helped me is to really look at ah's actions and my own reactions to things without emotion.

i have been able to stay pretty strong at times i could have caved because every day ah will say or do something that i know now is unacceptable to me and i am also more aware of my own actions and examine whether they are acceptable to me. so really he is confirming that i am making the right moves by his continued actions and releasing me from some guilt i might have.

kglast

hi praise, welcome....detachment was very difficult for me too....i finally did it, though i am not sure i can really tell you how i got there..

i did come here and read and post a LOT, and also picked up some great books, Under the Influence which helped me understand more fully the disease of alcoholism, followed by Codependent No More, Beyond Codependency, then Getting Them Sober, and Women who Love Too Much. They have all helped me a great deal...and given me a lot of insight.

As I type this, i realize, Getting Them Sober would have helped me so much with the early detachment if i had had it then.

just my experience...keep coming here, reading and posting. this board saved me more than once....peace...