This is Crazy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
This is Crazy
Vent! Thanks for listening! I need this.
My AW has been out of the house for the past month and a half. 5 years alcoholic, multiple inpatient and outpatient and relapses. She got her own place about a mile from home. She relapsed, again, and is with her Mom. Everyone (extended family) is so strong and in support at first......
My wife is the sad alcoholic. So sorry when she relapses, so sad, so insecure, crying, etc. Her Mom and Stepdad tell the our kids (14 and 17) "you can't be mad at her forever", "you should call her she's your Mom still". I told them that was cruel because the kids feel like THEY have done something wrong. He stepdad is worse. He is starting to feel that we need to let her back home because she needs the family. You take care of your own that sort of thing. I really am lost......my wife is getting worse and my extended family is starting to "take sides". I have told them all that Alanon is what they need to understand how to best help her.
My wife is really close to the bottom but is not showing signs of being able to start a true recovery process. How do I balance all of this? How do I help her and maintain the compassionate detachment? If she descends deeper do I just let her go? She has a sponsor, goes to AA, has a therapist..........I really don't think me and the boys can do anything else for her but it stills feels like crap...the whole thing just sucks.
Thanks for letting me vent.....
My AW has been out of the house for the past month and a half. 5 years alcoholic, multiple inpatient and outpatient and relapses. She got her own place about a mile from home. She relapsed, again, and is with her Mom. Everyone (extended family) is so strong and in support at first......
My wife is the sad alcoholic. So sorry when she relapses, so sad, so insecure, crying, etc. Her Mom and Stepdad tell the our kids (14 and 17) "you can't be mad at her forever", "you should call her she's your Mom still". I told them that was cruel because the kids feel like THEY have done something wrong. He stepdad is worse. He is starting to feel that we need to let her back home because she needs the family. You take care of your own that sort of thing. I really am lost......my wife is getting worse and my extended family is starting to "take sides". I have told them all that Alanon is what they need to understand how to best help her.
My wife is really close to the bottom but is not showing signs of being able to start a true recovery process. How do I balance all of this? How do I help her and maintain the compassionate detachment? If she descends deeper do I just let her go? She has a sponsor, goes to AA, has a therapist..........I really don't think me and the boys can do anything else for her but it stills feels like crap...the whole thing just sucks.
Thanks for letting me vent.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
stay strong and stay the course......let her fall. Only by consequences will she embrace recovery...
You have set your boundaries and she knows what they are and so do your children. You're only as good as your word hun....
Tell her family that you and the kids do love her but will not fall with her...that for the childrens sake she can't be home until she is well. One of two things will happen if you do....1 - Your kids will become alcoholic themselves or 2. they will be spouses of alcoholics. Break the chain....don't listen to her family. My XMIL blamed me and the kids for my ex's problems too and said the same thing that your wife's family is saying to you right now...."We take care of our own...blah blah blah..." People who have not studied or been to alanon concerning alcoholism just seem to want to pass the blame on the alcoholics victims....I never did get that theory, but stay strong...you know what has to be done don't you??? The best decisions in life are always - always - the hardest to make. My ex walked out on me and the kids in Jul 05...to his affair partner who also is an alcoholic/meth addict. My in-laws think I should force my 19 and 22 yr old children to call him....yeah right...when donkeys fly. He made his choices and we have choices too...we chose to live ... not die from alcoholism. (His alcoholism that is)
If your wife is truly at her bottom (they have many many bottoms) she will seek out the help she needs hun....she's no kid anymore...she is all grown up. Let her walk the walk...by her actions you will know whats going on in her life. You may want to go NC with her family for a little while just to give yourself time to think. Don't let them pressure you because we all know and understand that they love her very very much but still want us codies to take care of their "sick" children.......because if we dont do it guess what? They might have to.
All good things to think about....take care sweetie...
Janitw
You have set your boundaries and she knows what they are and so do your children. You're only as good as your word hun....
Tell her family that you and the kids do love her but will not fall with her...that for the childrens sake she can't be home until she is well. One of two things will happen if you do....1 - Your kids will become alcoholic themselves or 2. they will be spouses of alcoholics. Break the chain....don't listen to her family. My XMIL blamed me and the kids for my ex's problems too and said the same thing that your wife's family is saying to you right now...."We take care of our own...blah blah blah..." People who have not studied or been to alanon concerning alcoholism just seem to want to pass the blame on the alcoholics victims....I never did get that theory, but stay strong...you know what has to be done don't you??? The best decisions in life are always - always - the hardest to make. My ex walked out on me and the kids in Jul 05...to his affair partner who also is an alcoholic/meth addict. My in-laws think I should force my 19 and 22 yr old children to call him....yeah right...when donkeys fly. He made his choices and we have choices too...we chose to live ... not die from alcoholism. (His alcoholism that is)
If your wife is truly at her bottom (they have many many bottoms) she will seek out the help she needs hun....she's no kid anymore...she is all grown up. Let her walk the walk...by her actions you will know whats going on in her life. You may want to go NC with her family for a little while just to give yourself time to think. Don't let them pressure you because we all know and understand that they love her very very much but still want us codies to take care of their "sick" children.......because if we dont do it guess what? They might have to.
All good things to think about....take care sweetie...
Janitw
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
Wow my situation is almost identical with my AH. His family no longer speaks to me and they hid the money in his bank account. This means I am not getting child support. Somehow they blame me for all his craziness,he has benn to rehab 3 times went ti jail and now lives in a half way house. How can I be blamed for that? What really hurts is the effect on the children. I guess blood is thicker than water,no matter what.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
It sure is....don't believe anything to the contrary...maybe you can do an asset check to locate the missing money...or pull them all into court and let them purger themselves....then I bet the money miraculously appears...lol
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Blacksburg, VA
Posts: 191
sincerely......the best and only way to really help an alcoholic is to help yourself. Focusing on extreme self care sets an example to them of how a healthy human being can and should live. They are emotionally just 5 years old and dont have a coping skill in the world.
The best way to help them is to be an example. When you have what she wants, she will want it badly.....happiness, health, family....and perhaps she will do what you did to get it.....recovery. Good luck, I know how you feel!!!
The best way to help them is to be an example. When you have what she wants, she will want it badly.....happiness, health, family....and perhaps she will do what you did to get it.....recovery. Good luck, I know how you feel!!!
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
like aweda my situation is very similiar .
My inlaws supported me all along through all my ahs stays in rehab (hes in again , #5 in 14 months) After an explosive night with him before he went in again I went to the Police Station and got a restraining order ... boy have my inlaws changed their tune .
My MIL says she thinks I will just push him further away , make him feel all alone , like he has nobody supporting him , make him feel like I dont care and Im through with him , and she says his brother and sister agree with her .
Funny thing is , I dont make my decisions based on what I hope he will or will not do . I make my decisions based on whats best for me and our 4 kids . Some decisions are harder than others , believe me , I dont want to keep my kids away from their 'healthy dad' but hes not healthy right now and its my job to protect them and 'break the cycle' . My inlaws dont understand this concept , they need alanon . I dont argue with them anymore , its not worth it because they will never 'get it' . I just keep myself focused on my recovery and what I know I need to do by going to alanon and coming to SR .
IMO the best thing you can do for her is take care of you and your boys . She has to be responsible for herself , you cant do anything for her . Lots of luck !
M
My inlaws supported me all along through all my ahs stays in rehab (hes in again , #5 in 14 months) After an explosive night with him before he went in again I went to the Police Station and got a restraining order ... boy have my inlaws changed their tune .
My MIL says she thinks I will just push him further away , make him feel all alone , like he has nobody supporting him , make him feel like I dont care and Im through with him , and she says his brother and sister agree with her .
Funny thing is , I dont make my decisions based on what I hope he will or will not do . I make my decisions based on whats best for me and our 4 kids . Some decisions are harder than others , believe me , I dont want to keep my kids away from their 'healthy dad' but hes not healthy right now and its my job to protect them and 'break the cycle' . My inlaws dont understand this concept , they need alanon . I dont argue with them anymore , its not worth it because they will never 'get it' . I just keep myself focused on my recovery and what I know I need to do by going to alanon and coming to SR .
IMO the best thing you can do for her is take care of you and your boys . She has to be responsible for herself , you cant do anything for her . Lots of luck !
M
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Blacksburg, VA
Posts: 191
Originally Posted by DII 
Thanks to all! I know the right things to do it just rips your heart out!
indeed...it does. hang in there, you are cared for here, and so are your boys. I have a 15 yr old boy whose father abandoned him to alcohol. The guy is sober, just barely and stilld doesnt care about him.
But I do...and so does our higher power...and thats enough, for today.
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