LovesLife

I haven't been here long, and this is my first thread. I really need advice from you all. My AD is 24 - has had a long road for the past 5 years or so with alcohol and also prescription drugs. (The mixture of these is sooooo scary.) Anyway she was in rehab for the fourth time last month, continued a day program, and then progressed to three nights a week. Same thing happened as happens every time - relapse, I guess you could say. But for the first time she was arrested for disturbing the peace - something last night I guess. I was called by the jail, in case I wanted to bail her out, which I don't. I don't know any details and I really don't want to know this time. I have been the enabler, the codependent, the crutch, and all that. She cussed at me last week on Monday for not doing what she wanted. (I was taking her to a meeting.) I told her that I could not continue - I had to detach and Let Go and Let God. She was LIVID. I have not spoken with her since. She does not live here, thank goodness. I just could not have a sane moment if that were the case. I know there is nothing I can do for her. I know that she has to feel the consequences of her actions. But it is so so hard. Does anyone have any advice? I thank you in advance.

Godhelpme

Loveslife, hello and welcome to SR.

Are you involved in Alanon?

I don't have any words of wisdom or sound advice per se other than take care of you. Meanwhile, your detaching and letting go and letting God sounds like the best plan yet.

All the best to you.

~ghm

cmc

Hi,
I am a mom of an addict who has been clean for 14 months now. He has a history of using for over 11 years. It sounds like you are letting her face her consequences, which is what I was finally forced to do. My son spent almost a year in jail and was sent to a halfway facility. He has been in and out of a different halfway house several times...plus had successfully completed their 6 month program...twice.
I never liked to hear about letting somebody 'hit bottom' but soon realized that it was the only way and I had no control over his decisions anyway.
This is the longest clean time my son has had and he is doing very well. What was different this time was that his consequences became serious enough to motivate him to change.

What helped me the most was going to lots and lots of meetings...open AA and NA and Alanon all made a huge difference and gave me strength and support.

I'm so happy that you found us here at SR and welcome you to the 'group' here. We have another forum called Friends & Family of Substance Abusers that is worth a look. The sticky threads on both this forum and the one I mentioned will provide alot of useful information. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

lilac

(((Hugs to you)) detaching and letting go is such a good start for you. It is hard, I know......

LovesLife

Thanks for the words of wisdom. Yes, I have been to Alanon. It has helped me so much. I read the liturature over and over and over, and it says the same thing - don't try to take away the consequences. But it's so hard when you're in it and don't know what's going to happen next - no stability it seems.
I just appreciate hearing someone say that you know how it feels and how very hard it is to detach.

Patient Dreams

I'm a musician from Calif. We wrote a song about one of the effects that alcohol can have that a lot people should be scared about, It's a song about how a man who had a couple of drinks was in the wrong place at the wrong time. And because of the alcohol in his system is paying for the rest of his life. It kinda scares people. Click on the link below. The song is called "Butterfly"

LovesLife

Ad called from jail today - wanted me to bail her out of course. Said that the charges were BS. I said no to the bail. Consequences are tough. My only hope to hang on to is that some humility will develop and a little change in attitude. But I have to tell you all that as hard as I am trying to be tough, something is dying inside me. Thanks for listening.

parentrecovers

hey loveslife - i'm sorry you're going through this. my daughter is 23, so i understand how hard it is to watch our young daughters struggle so.

just make sure your daughter knows you love her. that's all you can do.

blessings, k

Rella927

Welcome and (((hugs))) and prayers! Al-Anon really helps it is something to consider! My mother went through this with one of my brothers who is 50 and serving his 11 months jail time-in recovery, planning where and what he will do to make it a good life when he gets out. And thanks my mother everyday for detaching from him and letting him fall literally flat on his face!

Hugs and Blessings to you and your daughter

denny57

(((loveslife)))

When I figured out the first sentence could also apply to me, not just the alcoholic, big changes started to occur. I thought detaching meant having to be 'tough," too. I think that's why I felt so badly about it. I had to learn to change my attitude and thinking - to realize I wasn't being tough, I was actually being loving. I believe that today without a doubt.

Take care.

LovesLife

Thanks to all of you for your words of encouragement. I am at least able to sleep at night knowing she is safe AND sober.

Barbara52

It took me more than a year to let myself understand that I have to be tough, that enabling wasn't do AH or me any favors and to get the strength to start planning to leave. Yes, part of me is dying at knowing that I am yanking the rug out from AH (so to speak). But I also KNOW it is the only thing I can do at this point that may help him. After that, its up to him. I can do no more. And I deserve a better life than living beyond my means because he is an unemployed do nothing alcoholic who "can quit whenever he wants to but I don't want to."

You also deserve better. WE will get thru this difficult time and the pain will heal.

AcceptingChange

Hi LovesLife,
I'm sorry you have this situation in your life.
As a parent with daughters, I worry the same could happen to me.

My children are younger, so I haven't had direct experience with this problem.
But here's a book from a man who's daughter had problems in this area.

http://www.amazon.com/Terry-Daughter...4027293&sr=8-1

It is a very scary, complicated, confusing situation.

Hoping all the best for you and your family.

Spiritual Seeker

No advice bec. it sounds like you do know and are doing just the right thing. I know lots of parents from my alanon mtg that is just for parents. Very common reason these adult kids of ours choose treatment is bec. of the scare of having been in jail and having to exper. that w/o a bailout. When I have had to let my AS feel the conseq. (like having him move out, take the car away from him for good, etc.) he punishes me by alienating and not calling or coming around. But I can't let him manipulate me and as parents we just try to do what is right no matter how bad the outcome for all concerned. Welcome and I look forward to hearing more from you because you do have wisdom to share with us.

Live

You really don't deserve the disrespect she is dishing out either. Taking care of your self and having some peace may mean not answering those calls.

Sav

It always saddens me to hear when someone ends up in jail as a result of...well anything!
But if you went this path, I'm sure you had good reason, and good cause.
Good luck, and peace be with you.

LovesLife

The charge is disturbing the peace. I don't know what happened. I found out from a boyfriend that she will be there 30 days without bail. Part of me thinks that at least that's 30 days to have no alcohol or pills or anything. Maybe it will at least mean a clear head. And part of be wonders if that is too long. Does anyone have an opinion? Letting go and letting God can be so hard.

dollydo

Thirty days is a short time, it may be what she needs to see the light, lets hope so.

I have seen from this board and others, if you do not allow them to pay their price for their bad behavior, they get worse, it's like, no big deal, I can get away with it yet again, eventually, it catches up with them...and many end up in prison, doing a long haul. See, addicts lack self control, they are very impulsive, they have to learn that for every bad action, there is a bad reaction.

justjo

Loveslife, love to you honey and all the best. I truelly feel your pain. My son was into alcohol and drugs and we all went through this with him. It tore me apart, the emotional abuse, the fact he knew which buttons to push. In the end, I had to accept that it was the choice he was making, not me. You have done the right thing, she has to know the consequences of her mistakes (we all do) whether drunk or sober. She will forgive you, my son did. He still uses occasionally when things get him down and now I walk the other way. I tell him I love him and we both know where we stand.
It seems like you are standing strong, look after yourself and think of the good times.

Sav

Yeah...but from what I hear, getting drugs in jail isn't the hardest thing in the world. Disturbing the peace, hmmm? Maybe you can talk to someone official about mandatory therapy/in-patient treatment for when she gets out. If you want to get involved. Understandable if you don't, though.