America's birthday,,,,
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
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America's birthday,,,,
It's early in the morn on america's birthday,,,
I woke up alone
I went for a run on a new beach and a memory I thought long fogotten, became the "theme"
When I was married my husband and I would go to ******* RI for the 4th of July parade. Oldest one in the nation (1762). Our girls marched drum corps and would be in the parade. Having just come off a two week nationwide tour that year, we were excited to see them. In our calls to them they told us about a kitten they found in the woods behind a field they were practicing in. abondoned and scruffy, the drum corps took him in as a "mascot". He travelled on the bus with them and ate speghetti o's the first night. My girls fell in love with him. They asked EVERYTIME we spoke to them, if we could keep him. He needed a home. We already had a full grown cat and my husband was dead set against it. I knew the moment they set him in his lap he was hooked. We took "sader" home with us that night. July 3rd.
When we got home, I cautioned my husband to introduce slowly. As so often the case, he totally ignored my advice. Put the kitty down and our older cat promptly tried to eat him! My husband interveneved and was bitten and scratched by our older cat severly on the hand. A late night emergency room visit soon followed. See, my husband had hogkins disease and was extremmely suceptable to infection. He was admitted and given massive amounts of antibiotics. The spirits were merciful and he manged to keep his LIFE and his hand. I spent the 4th alone and on the pity pot, missing my family. But there was love.
I realized this morning, on my run, I have not spent ONE holiday with my A since we met. Usually, he had caused some scene or been abusive leading up to it, and I would leave. Today is no different.
And it feels the same as so many years ago, when we brought sader home and I almost lost my husband.
Eventually I did. 13 years ago he died.
My A however is alive and lost.
I'm trying to stay off the pity pot.
It's americas birthday, and I don't feel like celebrating,,
Peace
I woke up alone
I went for a run on a new beach and a memory I thought long fogotten, became the "theme"
When I was married my husband and I would go to ******* RI for the 4th of July parade. Oldest one in the nation (1762). Our girls marched drum corps and would be in the parade. Having just come off a two week nationwide tour that year, we were excited to see them. In our calls to them they told us about a kitten they found in the woods behind a field they were practicing in. abondoned and scruffy, the drum corps took him in as a "mascot". He travelled on the bus with them and ate speghetti o's the first night. My girls fell in love with him. They asked EVERYTIME we spoke to them, if we could keep him. He needed a home. We already had a full grown cat and my husband was dead set against it. I knew the moment they set him in his lap he was hooked. We took "sader" home with us that night. July 3rd.
When we got home, I cautioned my husband to introduce slowly. As so often the case, he totally ignored my advice. Put the kitty down and our older cat promptly tried to eat him! My husband interveneved and was bitten and scratched by our older cat severly on the hand. A late night emergency room visit soon followed. See, my husband had hogkins disease and was extremmely suceptable to infection. He was admitted and given massive amounts of antibiotics. The spirits were merciful and he manged to keep his LIFE and his hand. I spent the 4th alone and on the pity pot, missing my family. But there was love.
I realized this morning, on my run, I have not spent ONE holiday with my A since we met. Usually, he had caused some scene or been abusive leading up to it, and I would leave. Today is no different.
And it feels the same as so many years ago, when we brought sader home and I almost lost my husband.
Eventually I did. 13 years ago he died.
My A however is alive and lost.
I'm trying to stay off the pity pot.
It's americas birthday, and I don't feel like celebrating,,
Peace
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 105
CE Girl, I'm so sorry for your loss and all you endured during your H's battle with lymphoma. I'm sorry you're left feeling alone today, too.
I've always loved the 4th of July. It was a big to do at my (marital) home where every year we held a true Mid-Western celebration for family and friends with flags flying on the fence posts, red,white & blue balloons and banners decorating the outdoors, swimming in the pond, pitching horseshoes, an enormous cook-out feast, and listening to patriotic sounds during our gigantic fireworks display that sometimes went on for over an hour -- everyone thoroughly enjoyed it! I looked forward to it all year, but always with some hesitation. After all, I lived with an active alcohol and fireworks can be dangerous enough, let alone having them set off by a drunk.
This year is different, however. There's no big party, no cookout, no decorations, there's nothing. It doesn't even feel like the 4th. I've no desire to celebrate my favorite holiday. It's sad for me.
I keep telling myself, "Next year will be better. I'll really be celebrating Independence Day!'"(long before then I should be divorced) Somehow, even that thought doesn't ease my sadness right now.
Peace to you, CE. Peace to all of us.
~ghm
I've always loved the 4th of July. It was a big to do at my (marital) home where every year we held a true Mid-Western celebration for family and friends with flags flying on the fence posts, red,white & blue balloons and banners decorating the outdoors, swimming in the pond, pitching horseshoes, an enormous cook-out feast, and listening to patriotic sounds during our gigantic fireworks display that sometimes went on for over an hour -- everyone thoroughly enjoyed it! I looked forward to it all year, but always with some hesitation. After all, I lived with an active alcohol and fireworks can be dangerous enough, let alone having them set off by a drunk.
This year is different, however. There's no big party, no cookout, no decorations, there's nothing. It doesn't even feel like the 4th. I've no desire to celebrate my favorite holiday. It's sad for me.
I keep telling myself, "Next year will be better. I'll really be celebrating Independence Day!'"(long before then I should be divorced) Somehow, even that thought doesn't ease my sadness right now.
Peace to you, CE. Peace to all of us.
~ghm
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
CE, Sis, if you don't want to celebrate then don't. That's part of your new found freedom; the choice to do whatever you want or don't want and not be swayed by anybody else.
Peace!! and Hugs!!
((((((CEG)))))))
Peace!! and Hugs!!
((((((CEG)))))))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there CE 
Sorry to hear you are feeling down today. Lessee, how many huge changes are going on in your life right now? You just moved off your island, it's your birthday month, you are thinking of all the losses you've had in your past, and everybody else is out and partying with family.
I've felt that way too. I had to leave my city of 25 yrs to find a job. I left my ex behind too, as I realized our marriage was lost to her addiction. I got to feeling pretty down too. It sucks. Oh yeah and it was over Xmas.
Didn't I read somewhere that you said you _wanted_ to move to your new city? That the "life" was vibrant? Didn't I hear you say somewhere that your kids were happy for this move?
You know, what works for me is to act "as if". When I am down about what I have lost in the past I act as if I were looking forward to a bright new future. I take myself out to a new restaurant with a good book and enjoy a little "me" time. I check out a new al-anon meet. I go find an antique store and look at all the junk.... excuse me "junque"
If you were happy today, if you were full of optimism and looking forward to your bright new future, what would you be doing instead of moping around? Would you be fixing up your new place? (hmmm.... my new place needs some pictures on the walls ) Would you be out and about checking out your new neighborhood?
See if that works for ya, CE. Take yourself out and enjoy your future. It starts today, ya know?
Mike
Sorry to hear you are feeling down today. Lessee, how many huge changes are going on in your life right now? You just moved off your island, it's your birthday month, you are thinking of all the losses you've had in your past, and everybody else is out and partying with family.
I've felt that way too. I had to leave my city of 25 yrs to find a job. I left my ex behind too, as I realized our marriage was lost to her addiction. I got to feeling pretty down too. It sucks. Oh yeah and it was over Xmas.
Didn't I read somewhere that you said you _wanted_ to move to your new city? That the "life" was vibrant? Didn't I hear you say somewhere that your kids were happy for this move?
You know, what works for me is to act "as if". When I am down about what I have lost in the past I act as if I were looking forward to a bright new future. I take myself out to a new restaurant with a good book and enjoy a little "me" time. I check out a new al-anon meet. I go find an antique store and look at all the junk.... excuse me "junque"
If you were happy today, if you were full of optimism and looking forward to your bright new future, what would you be doing instead of moping around? Would you be fixing up your new place? (hmmm.... my new place needs some pictures on the walls ) Would you be out and about checking out your new neighborhood?
See if that works for ya, CE. Take yourself out and enjoy your future. It starts today, ya know?
Mike
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
((((CE)))) (((GHM))))
I too, sit alone on the 4th....worked all day....think I will just go to bed early and get a good (hopefully) night sleep....tomorrow is another day.
I too, sit alone on the 4th....worked all day....think I will just go to bed early and get a good (hopefully) night sleep....tomorrow is another day.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Sorry I missed this yesterday. I was out having fun. And I was doing something completely different than what I used to do (with exAH) on this holiday. I think it's important to mourn your dreams, but just as important to create new ones. Here is a thread from last year that's all about doing just that. I hope next time any of you are missing the "old days," you will consider finding a way to create new, better memories/traditions in your life.
Hope the holiday went well, anyway.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t=old+memories
L
And I was doing something completely different than what I used to do (with exAH) on this holiday. I think it's important to mourn your dreams, but just as important to create new ones. Here is a thread from last year that's all about doing just that. I hope next time any of you are missing the "old days," you will consider finding a way to create new, better memories/traditions in your life.Hope the holiday went well, anyway.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t=old+memories
L
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Big Hugs!
(((CE))))
I must say that thread LaTeeDa was an awesome thread thanks Minnie
CE: You have as Mike said alot of changes going on in your life right now-we all go through change differently-I believe when a holiday, birthday or anniversary arises and we are going through changes alot differently and it makes it a bit more difficult to fathom.
It is ok to feel this way that you are feeling-but try to do as that thread says Create New Memories as you start your new wonderful path....I know as you know how difficult this can be and that it is easy for someone else to say this to you-
I have faith that you can do this woman! You had the courage to go through something very traumatic in your life such as your husbands death which I know is a defeat in its own...start to celebrate his life on July 4th by making a tradition out of it! Something even silly as going for that run and dedicating it to him! I have done that with a few holidays and celebrated my new life...and the life I had with my husband-no one can ever take that away from you those kind of memories.
As for memories with the A it is a harder situation because alot of different feelings arise but trying to create new ones with the girls even will help you in your new found life. Celebrate that new place, new job, the girls are happy!
"I realized this morning, on my run, I have not spent ONE holiday with my A since we met. Usually, he had caused some scene or been abusive leading up to it, and I would leave. Today is no different."
So stay on the pity pot as long as you need too, you are allowed to do that once in awhile-just do not flush yourself in there (HA HA JOKING!) when you are ready to pull yourself up MAKE TODAY DIFFERENT! And remember your A is no longer in your life for that reason-and flush those memories down get off the pot and get running on that new path woman of creating new memories!
(((HUGS CE))))
I must say that thread LaTeeDa was an awesome thread thanks Minnie
CE: You have as Mike said alot of changes going on in your life right now-we all go through change differently-I believe when a holiday, birthday or anniversary arises and we are going through changes alot differently and it makes it a bit more difficult to fathom.
It is ok to feel this way that you are feeling-but try to do as that thread says Create New Memories as you start your new wonderful path....I know as you know how difficult this can be and that it is easy for someone else to say this to you-
I have faith that you can do this woman! You had the courage to go through something very traumatic in your life such as your husbands death which I know is a defeat in its own...start to celebrate his life on July 4th by making a tradition out of it! Something even silly as going for that run and dedicating it to him! I have done that with a few holidays and celebrated my new life...and the life I had with my husband-no one can ever take that away from you those kind of memories.
As for memories with the A it is a harder situation because alot of different feelings arise but trying to create new ones with the girls even will help you in your new found life. Celebrate that new place, new job, the girls are happy!
"I realized this morning, on my run, I have not spent ONE holiday with my A since we met. Usually, he had caused some scene or been abusive leading up to it, and I would leave. Today is no different."
So stay on the pity pot as long as you need too, you are allowed to do that once in awhile-just do not flush yourself in there (HA HA JOKING!) when you are ready to pull yourself up MAKE TODAY DIFFERENT! And remember your A is no longer in your life for that reason-and flush those memories down get off the pot and get running on that new path woman of creating new memories!
(((HUGS CE))))
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Join Date: May 2007
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Boy, if I had to repay everytime I could "feel the love" on these boards, I'd be needing a heart transplant,,,,,he,he,he
I love the idea of rewriting memories. But come on, I'm working on rewriting a NOVEL these days!! All of the changes in my life ARE new memories and frankly, I wasn't "replacing" any I had with my A. The man came to this new city with me once and HATED it. And I never spent a 4th of July with him. Or Christmas, New Years, Thansgiving, Easter, Ground Hog day (ok, that ones debatable, since EVERY day was a repetition of the day before with him,,,lol).
I've come to realize, yesterday was a "meltdown" of sorts with the pressure of everything begining to get to me. And once again I realized, thats when I am at my weakest and the codieism receptors can have their way with me.
So, after my post, know what I did? TACKLED my new life. I mean, I got in quarterback stance and cried HIKE!!!! The end result? Today my new home is begining to look like a home. And not ONCE did I think about A.
Was it fun? Hell no. But I got a "CEGIRLISM". Its called "futzin". The definition being, doing what has to be done, but "futzin" through it so you can enjoy the gift. For example. I did the bathroom. Futzed with cleaning it, noticing all the "new" that surrounded me, grateful for what I've been given. Hanging the shower cutain, putting the newerugs in and placing my items where I wanted em,,,When I was done, I lit the candle in the NEW sconses and ENJOYED my futzin,,,
Then I did the kitchen
And have I mentioned, I walked, ran, skipped up and down my spiral staricase a MILLION times,,just LOVE that thing,,,lol.
When I got to the loft, I hung over the railing and talked to my cats,,,(I'm SURE they thought I was NUTS)
A little girl in her very own dollhouse,,,,
When I was done, I went out and explored my new city some more. Went to my very first al anon meeting in this city. It was held in the oldest building in the city. Used to be a Music Hall,,,how freakin NEAT is that?!?!? Went to the coffee shop after and ran into a friend who was with other friends of hers. They invited me to fireworks down by the shipyard.
Mikey? Imagine if we put our "junque" and "futzin" together?!?!?!?
I don't think I'm at "independance day" yet. Still trying to get used to it all. but I do know, it turned out better than it started.
Peace
I love the idea of rewriting memories. But come on, I'm working on rewriting a NOVEL these days!! All of the changes in my life ARE new memories and frankly, I wasn't "replacing" any I had with my A. The man came to this new city with me once and HATED it. And I never spent a 4th of July with him. Or Christmas, New Years, Thansgiving, Easter, Ground Hog day (ok, that ones debatable, since EVERY day was a repetition of the day before with him,,,lol).
I've come to realize, yesterday was a "meltdown" of sorts with the pressure of everything begining to get to me. And once again I realized, thats when I am at my weakest and the codieism receptors can have their way with me.
So, after my post, know what I did? TACKLED my new life. I mean, I got in quarterback stance and cried HIKE!!!! The end result? Today my new home is begining to look like a home. And not ONCE did I think about A.
Was it fun? Hell no. But I got a "CEGIRLISM". Its called "futzin". The definition being, doing what has to be done, but "futzin" through it so you can enjoy the gift. For example. I did the bathroom. Futzed with cleaning it, noticing all the "new" that surrounded me, grateful for what I've been given. Hanging the shower cutain, putting the newerugs in and placing my items where I wanted em,,,When I was done, I lit the candle in the NEW sconses and ENJOYED my futzin,,,
Then I did the kitchen
And have I mentioned, I walked, ran, skipped up and down my spiral staricase a MILLION times,,just LOVE that thing,,,lol.
When I got to the loft, I hung over the railing and talked to my cats,,,(I'm SURE they thought I was NUTS)
A little girl in her very own dollhouse,,,,
When I was done, I went out and explored my new city some more. Went to my very first al anon meeting in this city. It was held in the oldest building in the city. Used to be a Music Hall,,,how freakin NEAT is that?!?!? Went to the coffee shop after and ran into a friend who was with other friends of hers. They invited me to fireworks down by the shipyard.
Mikey? Imagine if we put our "junque" and "futzin" together?!?!?!?
I don't think I'm at "independance day" yet. Still trying to get used to it all. but I do know, it turned out better than it started.
Peace
Silly Rabbit
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 956
well, this is my indy day-worked 1/2 a shift. went home, watched 1/3 of the godfather. fell asleep. boyf. woke me up to go to this biiig 4th of july party hosted by one of our AA meetings. went. there were 100+ people there, so we stayed for maybe an hour? then went back to boyf.'s friend's house, where the idea to have a hot dog eating contest occurred. boyf. lost, but he also hates hot dogs, so that makes sense. saw a few fireworks. went home, walked the dog. brushed my teeth, said my prayers, and went to sleep.
you know, it wasn't so bad. boyf. was in a wretched mood, but i made the most of it. it's the first indy day that i didn't spend with my family. soon, it will be the first birthday i don't spend with my mom, which'll probably rougher than yesterday, but... i'll get through it. sober, hopefully.
you are definitely in my thoughts, ce.
you know, it wasn't so bad. boyf. was in a wretched mood, but i made the most of it. it's the first indy day that i didn't spend with my family. soon, it will be the first birthday i don't spend with my mom, which'll probably rougher than yesterday, but... i'll get through it. sober, hopefully.
you are definitely in my thoughts, ce.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Thanks for reminding me about that thread, LTD. It was such a powerful concept for me at the time. And Denny, I loved that I could be a part of that for you. And we had so much fun at the same time!!!
I am currently going through a kind of offshoot of the original idea. I finished my job last week and have some time off before I get back into the working world. So, I have set myself the task of de-cluttering. And I am going to be ruthless about it - anything that is not useful, beautiful or related to happy memories will be gone. I am having a yard sale with my neighbours and anything left will be freecycled or taken to the tip. I did a pretty good job when I moved house, but I am fed up of stumbling across stuff that triggers bad memories. If I don't let go of the old, then there is no room for the new. Seems like we are on the same page, CEG!
I am currently going through a kind of offshoot of the original idea. I finished my job last week and have some time off before I get back into the working world. So, I have set myself the task of de-cluttering. And I am going to be ruthless about it - anything that is not useful, beautiful or related to happy memories will be gone. I am having a yard sale with my neighbours and anything left will be freecycled or taken to the tip. I did a pretty good job when I moved house, but I am fed up of stumbling across stuff that triggers bad memories. If I don't let go of the old, then there is no room for the new. Seems like we are on the same page, CEG!
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
How in the world did I miss this thread?!
Glad you were able to make some new memories CE. Futz until you can futz no more - that 's what I did on the fourth...felt a meltdown coming on so I went shopping with mom.
New Independence, new sweater for fall...yes fall sweaters are out at the outlets and I have a sweater fetish.
You sound good CE - glad things ended on an up-swing
Glad you were able to make some new memories CE. Futz until you can futz no more - that 's what I did on the fourth...felt a meltdown coming on so I went shopping with mom.
New Independence, new sweater for fall...yes fall sweaters are out at the outlets and I have a sweater fetish.
You sound good CE - glad things ended on an up-swing
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Originally Posted by cagefree 
How in the world did I miss this thread?!
Glad you were able to make some new memories CE. Futz until you can futz no more - that 's what I did on the fourth...felt a meltdown coming on so I went shopping with mom.
New Independence, new sweater for fall...yes fall sweaters are out at the outlets and I have a sweater fetish.
You sound good CE - glad things ended on an up-swing
Glad you were able to make some new memories CE. Futz until you can futz no more - that 's what I did on the fourth...felt a meltdown coming on so I went shopping with mom.
New Independence, new sweater for fall...yes fall sweaters are out at the outlets and I have a sweater fetish.
You sound good CE - glad things ended on an up-swing
SHOPPING that always works! I have that bad habit too when I feel a "melt down" as well!
In August.....it is so hard to find ANY SUMMER clothes anymore! It is amazing!
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