hbb

I'm going to Al Anon and so many of you have helped me here the past couple of weeks. I'm emotionally and physically drained. I'm like a blank person walking around and going through the motions and feel uptight and tight in my chest. I don't feel good, passed my bf this morning driving and couldn't even get myself to wave as he waved to me. I'm an empty shell. I know that you may say i brought it on myself but how do i shut it off for one second, just one little second...i tell myself i'm going out with friends and tried it Wed. night and could not let it go for even one night. I to to bed utterly exhausted from this and lay there thinking.....

denny57

That's how I felt before I walked into my first meeting. It changed my life. It's hard work, but it is SO worth it.

Good luck with the meeting tonight.

hbb

Thank you, actually i went last night and it was my third one. It helped but only for a little while, like a band-aid. I wish i could set my mind free of all the bad things i've created that he's doing and not sure of/if any of them are true...my biggest thing is his ex. I can't get her out of my head and i know if it's going to happen its going to happen but he's been so vague and i just wish i had piece of mind that he's telling the truth......i'm so very sad again

splendra

((((hbb)))))

Sometimes we have to believe our own truth even if it is not their's. Believe his actions trust your feelings and your gut...

denny57

Work your program - I'd suggest sharing that you're having a problem with obsession and would love to chat with someone after the meeting.

Good luck.

thinkmink

saying the Serenity prayer over and over again helped me a lot when I was starting out.

MsGolightly

hbb, i can tell you first hand that the obsessions get better and better every day. i thought SO much about my relationship, about my A, about the person she cheated on me with, why i wasn't good enough, etc etc etc. sometimes i think i spent more time obsessing about everything than time i actually spent breathing. it was neverending.

i promise it gets better. it will gradually decrease until one day you realize you hardly didn't think about him at all today - could be a few weeks or a month from now, but you'll get there if you stick to the no contact. cross my heart!

hbb

Thank you .... it really stinks, i had to text him for some financial info. today but now i really don't have any reason to talk, we were cordial but i still have no answers. I"m in my mind saying it's over but if he does clear his head and he was genuine down the road i'll listen to what he has to say. He owes me that, closure...not that i'm guaranteed but we have unfinished financial business to talk about where things stand and could owe me that. But ya, i've created a monster in my head that i don't think he really is. It's so hard. But i keep telling myself, believe what he says but anyone who says "taking a break" isn't great. But who knows. I almost said to him when are we meeting to talk but then i will never know where his heart was and will always wonder....

Cynay

You might just find out something amazing.....

If you start working on your recovery, keep the focus on yourself and your growth... it just might be that if he does get it together and comes back around ... well you might just find that you have outgrown him and you now dont want the relationship....

Absents does not always make the heart grow fonder.... sometime it gives us the space to see the tree for the forest..... that is what happened for me.

God did for me what I would not do for myself, I would not have left him, I was on my knees one night crying and asking God to just take it... I could not do this anymore and did not know what to do... so I gave it to him.. within a month I was living in my own apartment, we had broken up because he cheated and then decided he was not "in love" with me....Six months later he came back around and even though I still loved him and it hurt, I could see he was the same old person ... nothing had changed except he was now a dry drunk.... and something clicked and I realized... What the heck was I thinking!!!!

Maybe you should just start thanking God for the intervention .... even if you dont get it yet and it still hurts.

hbb

Cynay, Thank you so much for your advice, i was feeling so strong last night after my Al Anon meeting and then sad today because we did have some contact. But i do know that he does have to to his recovery if that is what he is doing and i should take the time to do mine. I find i talk about him every minute to anyone who will listen and can't take a break.

It's like this....if i let it go in my head than it's really over but if i keep talking about him and tell the stories and the stuff i do know that he will remain in my mind and heart and he's with me. As crazy as it sounds. I just can't let go and free my mind. But i do agree that it can only make me a better person in the long run if he is doing his treatment like he claims he is, then possibly we will both be better.

aztchr

I found this to be true, also. The contact kept the focus on him and what could have been. It was just a circle and causing too much pain. It wasn't helping me get to the next stage. When I accepted I couldn't do anymore except be good to myself, then my pain started to subside.

For me, it helped to write out how I was feeling, both here and on paper.
I needed to get it all out of my head.

The meetings I've been to have helped me feel stronger, too.

gns

hbb, I think the question you need to ask yourself is NOT does he love me/ does he not love me but why is it so important that he loves you?

It took me a long time to realize that my need to be loved is my NEED not LOVE.

hopeangel

hi, i don't know that i have welcomed you yet, so welcome!

i'm reading this and thinking that this is part of the process. when you get tired of feeling this way you will take the steps to feel better.

i also think the more distance that you put between you and him the more clearly you will be able to see things and the more you will be able to focus and love yourself.

cynay is right, the more distance you have from him and the more time and focus you put on yourself it will amaze you what you find. it is called detachment. focus focus focus on making yourself better. have you went to counseling? it could really help. self help books - anything that puts the focus on healing you.

just know that this is something that must be felt to get better, all part of the process.

take care hon.

BigGirlPanties

we get better by doing....not saying. just do. a step, an action, something positive....just keep doing and pretty soon the feeling will follow.

hbb

thanks! i feel like a prisioner in my own body at the moment, i love the weekends and the beach and being outside and now i sleep till noon, avoid outside and don't even make plans. I know it's my own fault but I can't seem to say to myself, "he's a jerk for this, he wanted this, he did this not me". I just want answers and the more i think the more i get mad that it's not fair that i'm left with so many questions unanswered.

minnie

Take Nike's advice as far as your activities are concerned - Just Do It. Go do whatever it is, even if you are miserable. You'll be miserable anyway, so you might as well be so elsewhere. And I think you might find that you find some way of getting some enjoyment - we're programmed that way. I still get that way and I have to force myself to do things for 5 minutes, like cleaning the bathroom. Funnily enough, when I go do it, I find half an hour has passed and I have re-arranged my products, the shower screen is sparkling and I have even cleaned the grouting.

I reckon your answers are inside yourself. Or in his actions. His words don't seem to mean much at the moment, anyway, so why would you set much store in them?

splendra

I am jealous that you are near a beach....

Something I think a lot of us wish we could get with the As in our lives is answers and closure. Sometimes we get answers although not the ones we want. Often the closure comes from letting go and living our own life.

steve11694

hbb; may i also suggest you attend support group(s) hosted by a local alcohol/drug rehab center. Alanon helped me initially to get to the surface of the water (i had been submerged) and support groups from local rehab centers gave me tremendous insight into the function, or better said, non-functin of the brain of an active addict. I heard a story from a father about his 17 year old daughter on ice that nonchalantly delivered a baby in the bathroom so she could go out and buy some meth.

sb0804

HBB, speaking from someone who is feeling the same way you are trust me go and do something for yourself.

My AW is on one of her famous binges right now and I felt the same way a feeling a nothingness (if that is a word), frustration, and just going through the motions.

So this morning instead of laying there awake and getting more frustrated, I got up and went to a meeting, and then I went fishing. Yes I know that sound stupid but it was my way of getting away with my thoughts after the meeting and it did me a world of good.

Hang in there! Let the meetings work and dont forget the serenity prayer.

hbb

Thank you for the advice, i've seemed to calm down, regroup and rethink all the bad thoughts i had about my loving boyfriend. I've decided to give him the benefit of the doubt that he is doing what he says he's doing until told otherwise. His 6 months was this past Thursday and I'm hoping this was a huge weight off his shoulders. I'm not bing naive but need to come back to Earth because i've made up these horrible stories in my head and i know better than to think he's that person. He actually sent me a joke email on Sat. Maybe brighter days are to come but can't definately count on it. I just miss him alot.