gns

For the more insightful, what do you think you are addicted to about the addict as a codependent?

The feeling of being loved? Is it a childhood need?

I am trying to figure this out for myself. What is so compeeling about my A that makes it so hard for me to really let go even after 8 months.

leenymclaugh

For me, I think it's the personality of "neediness"....I like to be with those who "need" me. Or did, rather. I've found that I'm a caretaker (which feeds off of my need to people please) and I need to be in control. All of which I have NO control. I can only control me and my thoughts and actions--and at that I need the help of my Higher Power.

I definitely think, for me, it was also being "wanted" and "loved" -- that's all I ever wanted -- was for someone to want me and love me -- only my self esteem was sooooo low, I sought out those who I THOUGHT couldn't get anyone better than me -- because I knew they'd have me and love me and want me.

Much to my dismay, my first husband did love me in his own way (I'm not sure which way that was--but I'm sure he did love me), which was in no way the way I wanted to be loved -- and my 2nd husband loves me more than life itself and is incredibly needy when not in recovery (yes, I sought out a 2nd alcoholic husband).

Now, in my program, I'm learning that I don't think anyone could have filled the need for love and want in me and the way I felt I wanted to be wanted and loved -- because I didn't love myself or want myself (sure didn't like me at all) -- so it was a lose lose situation no matter who I would have chosen.

Today, I like myself and am working on me while staying married to my AH, who is presently in his 7th shot at recovery. No matter, when one likes themselves and realizes that happiness starts from within, one can find happiness and miracles all around.

So, not sure if this helped or not, but take what you liked and leave the rest.

Hugs,
eileen

CE Girl

What makes me addicted to my A is his core. The one I KNOW is in there. The very REAL man that he is. The scared boy whose mom died in his arms. Who's alcoholic father pushed him away, and blamed him for his mothers death. The man who wanted nothing more than to be loved, married and gave his wife the 5 children she wanted. The lost soul who was thrown out of the house, homeless, helpless and alone. He was the very first man I ever met who I could speak to without words.

I wanted to help him get rid of his anger
I wanted to help him LIVE life
I wanted to love him and be his partner unconditionally

What made me addicted to him as a codependant?

I wanted to SAVE him,,,,

Peace

gns

Thank you leenymclaugh and CEgirl,

It is so confusing.

leenymclaugh, do you feel like you are able to fill that need to be wanted/loved yourself?

CEgirl, I too can sometimes see the insecure little boy who felt so awkward in his skin. But now that little boy lies, chooses his friends over me, is incredible selfish, cheated and disrespected me and is addicted. How do you reconcile that? Is that just the part we want to see - because he is those other things, too!

Ellelove89

this is what i say to my A all the time i remember the day i lost you and you turn into the wall you are today

i still love the man my father was and always will

it is the man he has become... i can't stand

i guess that what makes it hurt so bad is that you know what was there at one time and you think it will be there again...

duet_4-8

I honestly don't remember....I loved him once upon a time but it was a chaotic, twisted kind of love from the beginning. He was always abusive, whether he was drugging and drinking or not. I mostly stayed because I believed it when he said I would never be able to make it without him. In the end (after 25 years) I felt like a prisoner in my own home. I knew if I didn't get away from him I would lose myself forever.

MsGolightly

for me, i think it is the constant reminder that my heart gives me that there's someone else buried under the disease. i'm not sure i really felt the need to "save" my ex... it was more like i saw someone amazing underneath who i thought she wanted to be and who i wanted her to be... oh, now i don't know what i'm saying.

i guess it's the constantly wondering if she can or if she will "change" and be who she was when she was sober. it's always hoping this time will be different, and it's always wondering if i'm going to regret not trying again.

thinkmink

I guess I really liked feeling like I was important. It was also easier to focus on someone else's problems rather than dealing with my own. I have had a long string of love interests that were great "projects". :lol In the end I guess the whole overall experience was initially ego-building...but in the end it became ego-crushing. I finally realized that I had to let go of my ego completely to embrace the al-anon program. I once read something somewhere that said, "Let go of your ego to let go of your limitations" I think that summed it up nicely for me and that is the idea I try to embrace today.

dobiediva

I'm gonna be brutally honest here and say "I HAVE NO IDEA!"

justjo

A difficult question I think. I dont think either. I have an alcoholic sister and at first it was to help her. Save her. Having that person back in your life. The one you knew. I dont think its because we want to be heros I think it is because we love the person and of course if they are hurting you try to undo the hurt. Help them.
All this co dependency stuff. I dont know so much. Its like if I saw a child fall over in the street, I would run and pick them up and ask if they were ok wouldnt you?

parentrecovers

hmmmm - i'd like to be the HERO! but that never works out too good for me.

good topic, k

denny57

Many people talk about how they walked into Al-Anon hoping to find a fix for the alcoholic. That wasn't true in my case. I walked in looking for the fix for me - just not a healthy fix. I absolutely believed I was the complete problem in the marriage. Up until that day I had still not made a connection to alcoholism. I thought if I just found out how to be a better person then AH wouldn't drink as much.

As I stayed and learned, I saw how recovery really was about me. During my time with AH, I became completely enmeshed. The more aware I became, it just seemed impossible to continue to feel or think that way about him. If I did, I was choosing to keep myself the martyr.

The key for me was self work.

Nitelite

I wanted to be a good mom. I wanted to "take the bullet" and rescue my son from his own life.
I wanted to like him as much as I love him.

elizabeth1979

I loved that he thought I was good enough.
I had zero self esteem and thought a healthy peson wouldnt really want me, so I was drawn to a less than perfect partner.
I didnt want someone calling me out on my unhealthiness and the way to avoid that was to love someone equally or more unhealthy than me.

It took me quite while to figure that out.
I believe he loved me, still loves me.
I love myself though now and while I still look outside for validation more than Id like, I no longer need to be with an unhealthy partner to convince myself "im not that bad".

leenymclaugh

What I am learning and have learned through the love and support of Al-Anon is that my "need to be wanted/loved" was a need because I had an emptiness inside of me. In Al-Anon I've made a connection with my Higher Power, which has filled that need. Now, as it is a daily fight to not slip into old behaviors (38 years of doing things one way are hard to completely change in one years' time), I find that it really doesn't matter to me if people like me or love me or need me or don't need me...because I'm happy with myself -- or getting happier with myself and liking myself more and more each day -- and as long as I"m happy with me and my HP is happy with me, then I can't control how other people think/feel about me. I spent far too many years living my life for other people -- doing what they wanted, being who they wanted me to be -- this journey I'm on now of self exploration -- is an amazing journey -- I'm actually learning about ME -- about who I AM --at the core of my being, FOR ME! I owe it to myself -- to put myself first -- to take care of me; now that I'm taking care of me, I find that the real world isn't such a bad place to be.

I'll just give my .02 on your question to CEgirl too. I reconcile those not so good things that my AH does by reminding myself that he has a disease; he is sick. I saw all of those things many times over BEFORE I came into Al-Anon because he was my focus. What he was doing, saying, being.....it was all about him. The incredible need to control -- mind you, I 'd never say anything, just play the tapes over and over in my head. Now that I keep the focus on ME, I don't see those things soooo much -- also because I've admitted my powerlessness over him (and others...or to sum it up..powerless over nouns). I don't focus on the bad things about him but rather I focus on the good in him -- it's there -- and it does show, when I keep the proper perspective. But this is just MY relationship w/my AH; I know everyone's relationship is different. We say in the Al-Anon opening (I think it's the opening, might be the closing) that "changed attitudes can aid recovery" and that statement is VERY truthful, for me. Once I changed my attitude from negative, pissy and ugly into a positive, cheerful and happy one, my recovery skyrocketed! I'd recommend it for ANYONE who has any dealings with alcoholics/addicts.

Thanks -- take what you liked and leave the rest.
Eileen

CE Girl

LOL,,ITFM,,,,,you just illustrated codieism PERFECTLY,,IMHO,,,

It's called forgiveness

Peace

minnie

I got distraction.

fluffyflea

I got distraction from me and my life, my own neediness to be needed, trying to get my unmet needs met by taking care of another.

Feeling of being in control.
It's all pretty twisted.

Earthworm

gns

This is all very powerful and I really appreciate all the thoughtful replies.

I read minnie's post about "you think you are so special" on another thread and that really hit home for me. That post is so dark, and intentionally manipulative I wonder if my ex was that way (probably just a question from my addiction speaking - was I even a little special?)

What do you do with this?

CE Girl

Acceptance

For me, fighting that acceptance hasn't worked. No matter how hard i try, i can not get my A to "follow through" with his words. His actions would show me how "special" I am.

To him,,,,

I now choose to focus how special I am

To ME,,,,,

And with the help of the spirits, what I learn will be TRUTH,,,,

Peace