gregphoenix

I'd like to get more insight on " not enabling", regarding me & my brother. He's been on cycles of disastrous drinking & sobriety for years. I've been "involved" (codependent) for over a decade. But lately I've started to see & try to change

Last year, I "got it" - almost homeless, he got sober. In the past, I tried to stop enabling while he was drinking. But when he quit, I felt I was "supposed" to help in every way - he was "doing his part". Last time, I was more "hands off". I resisted the urge to loan him money, etc, thinking "listen, encourage - but let him do this". He did. I helped with rides here & there, listened, but tried not to "fix things". He got a counselor & into the program. Still miserable, sober, but materially things were better.

A month ago, he started drinking again - lots of destruction since. But my "problem" isn't that I want to step in, but want to walk the other way. It has just been too many times around, and I'm working on my "stuff".

So. I know there are no absolute answers, But I need some other perspectives:

1) Now, it's not about "not enabling" - rather, I don't want to be around at all. Just hearing his "alter ego" brings up too many bad memories of enabling him & allowing myself to be mistreated. It's clear that he's still looking for "things" (support) from me. My message is "I'd be happy to talk, but I can't talk to the person I'm hearing. Get back in touch with your counselor & the program, and we can talk". But it get's weird - for example, he denies that he's drinking at all now. I know he was a few weeks ago, he still sounds like his "evil twin", and the chaos keeps piling up. He called Tues 8am from the hospital, to say he'd crashed his car the night before. I said that I couldn't really believe, based on all this, that he's not drinking - but that even if he wasn't, he needs to get some help. But when I hung up, I thought "I didn't even ask if he was okay, and called him a liar - I guess I'd be pissed too." With our history, I just feel like I need to stay away entirely & let him work this out. But is it wrong to "abandon" him? I don't know that I can be in-between. It's a slippery slope...

2) If he gets sober, I want to be in touch, supportive, etc. But I don't think I can "help", this time, at all. I feel like I just did this, 6 months ago. I was there, social services was there, his counselors & friends were there. I'm not wishing him ill - I just don't want to do this again. Nor am I sure that I should help "clean up after the party". But this will be hard too - I'll feel guilty when the time comes. I know that we all need some "support", alcoholic or not. And I don't want to punish him. I just want to take care of myself first, and do what's smart, considering our history & dynamics.

Thanks, in general, for all your opening up to provide such helpful and encouraging words.

Greg

Ann

Hi Greg and welcome.

There are many wonderful "powerposts" at the top of the Nar-Anon and Al-Anon boards, and reading them may help you. I strongly urge you to read "Addictive Personalities" - one of Pernell's finest threads and helpful to all of us.

Enabling is doing for the addict what they should be doing for themselves, and the "doing" of it usually enables or allows the addict to keep using and prolongs his journey to recovery. We have all been guilty of this. Some examples are providing money, regardless of the reason since it ends up being used to buy drugs; allowing ourselves to be manipulated by guilt, or believing that we are in any way responsible for their addiction or recovery,
and in many cases letting them live with us - it doesn't work. Making excuses for them, helping them avoid the consequences of their actions, and "bailing them out" of bad situations, are other examples.

Take a read around and stick with us long enough to see that you are not alone - we have all been where you are.

I hope that you find the comfort and strength here that I and so many others have found.

Jewel

You do what is best for you Greg, we all get to the end of our rope, and have to let go and let god.

Your brother won't stop until he has had enough pain himself, it sounds like you have had enough now.

Keep coming back, go to alanon meetings and keep reading and posting.

Hugs
Jewel

liddy

Welcome Greg
sounds like you've beenworking the program!
Your detaching and i believe with love.
some people have to let the pendulum swing in both
directions before they can reach a middle ground,
be easy on yourself,we're all searching for that middle
ground.
Your brother will drink or not and it wont be because you said..
you did..you whatever. you didnt cause it cant control it and cant
cure it.

Hugs
liddy