elizabeth1979

Im at it again.
Im crazy stressed. So stressed about work, its insane. Ive been working 12-15 hour days and this morning, Im sitting here just mentally zapped. I dont feel like I have anything left, mentally. Every time I do this, I end up so mentally fried that I make mistakes that are not small enough to be overriden by the volumes of work I did well. Maybe thats in my head. (hmm)

Im trying to figure out why I keep doing this. Overextending myself. Im told daily to pace myself and slow down. I take that to mean I should be careful not to make mistakes in my quest to conquer all workplace issues. I physically can not make myself leave the office when I know I still have work to do. Or if I do, I take work home. What is that? Is it an addiction to work or business? is it just the way life is supposed to be? Lots of people work long hours right?

Im pretty sure thats not what they mean, but thats how I take it.
I feel like I'm trying to separate myself from the others and make it clear that Im the can-do employee and the one they cant live without.

Why do I want to be that person, the irreplaceable employee. I know I am irreplaceable, they may know it, but its not getting me anything extra. Its not getting me a pay raise or promotion or even more privilages. Its getting me less sleep thats for sure. So, what Im getting out of this must be some sort of satisfaction internally. Knowing Im performing and up to the task?

I don’t know if its part of the proving myself (perfectionism at its best) thing I do, or if its me trying to distract myself from other issues. I don’t know what my deal is but I’m not a happy camper about it.

I dont fee llike I am trying to distract myself from realtiy, Im pretty much in it.
I think it stems from the overwhelming need to prove myself to people. I'm not longer enabling an alcoholic, playing a martyr. Oh.
Im a martyr at work. Same sh*t different place.

What is the root of martyrdom?
Any thoughts?

CE Girl

OMG, YES Elizabeth,,I so pour myself into things to replace other things I have given up!!!

I think for me, its OCD,,lol,,or residual codie, or people pleasing, or WHATEVER i use as an "excuse"

It's when I look at the REASONS I tweek,,,

I'm looking for "validation" from outside sources.

I've been there. Working crazy hours with no life in between. In my own mind thinking, if I don't do it, it won't get done, then I'll be the one called on the carpet for it. Viscious cycle, once you get in, its WICKED hard to get out. You've "set the expectation" and if you do less, others around you wonder whats "wrong" with you.

Not one part of what I just said has ANYHTING to do with what I want.

Chances are its because I don't really KNOW,,,lol

And its less work to look inside to figure it out. I'd rather "replace" that quest for what I want and who I am with something I'm comfortable with, WORK. The more I run from finding my innards, the more I work. viscious cycle huh?

Oh, and it helps that other people notice my "martydom". No I don't get a raise, and hardly any recognition from my boss, but I "fool" myself into thinking my "peers" are sitting in the lunch room saying, "wow, she is AWESOME, and works so hard, wish I could be like her" NOT What their usually saying is "She's NUTS!!!!"hahahahahaha

What's going on inside of you sweetie?

Peace

FormerDoormat

"Why do I want to be that person, the irreplaceable employee?"

Because you want people to recognize your worth. You think if others recognize it, that surely you will recognize it, too. Working overtime and striving to be the perfect employee won't help you recognize your worth, nor will compliments and feedback from others.

Recognizing your worth is an inside job. While I'm a pro at having empathy and compassion for and loving others deeply, I have a terrible time having empathy and compassion for and loving myself. You're not alone in your struggle to recognize your worth and practice self-love. I'm right here struggling along side you. It's a path we can take alone or we can take together. I'd be proud to walk along side you.

embraced2000

i overwork, also, elizabeth. i enjoy the recognizition i receive from the efforts i put into my work.....the comments from my guests, the gratitude from my boss, the comments written by my guests o n our feedbacks.

i figure everyone has to be something. everyone has personality traits. it would be impossible to escape this life without having personality traits, it's what makes us who we are.

i quit trying to over think why i do everything i do as long as i wasn't hurting others or myself....and therein lies the key.

since my family is grown, i am single, and it's just me and rudy-dog, it's ok if i overwork. if i'm replacing something inside that i need with work......that's ok, too for now.

cause, ya know, it is such a better place than where i was a year ago.

gee......since you are such a hard worker....you would make a perfect business owner, elizabeth. make all the hard work be for your own business. maybe if you could turn a side interest into a money making adventure, even if it were just a small start, you would turn some of your interest away from your day job and pour all that energy into something that would benefit you.

cmc

elizabeth,
This was the topic at my meeting last night. Here is a segment from the handout we received.
"Codependency can also cause struggles in the area of time management. Codependents may feel they never have enough time to fulfill all their commitments because they have made too many. The most important commitments and relationships are often neglected because they are too busy helping other people, participating in multiple activities, and running from one event to another through the week. This also relates to their inability to say "no" when asked to volunteer, attend a function, or help a friend. The idea of not volunteering, not helping or not attending is unthinkable. They may believe that they are not being responsible, not being a good friend, or not being a good person if they refuse any requests. However, many of those situations and relationships leave them feeling hurt, angry or resentful."
Or in my case...leave me feeling worn out and cause me to become sick. When I say "yes" to one thing then I am certainly saying "no" to another. In my case, I didn't realize that I was saying "no" to being healthy and that I was missing out on some things that mattered a great deal more (to me) than most of the things I had chosen to spend my time and energy on. Today, I try not to sacrifice the greater good for something I feel driven to do out of my codependency.

MsGolightly

elizabeth, are you giving yourself more work or are people giving you more work to do?

MsGolightly

she took the words right out of my mouth!

i overwork too, i'm a perfectionist, and even since a little kid, i would spend a very long time on school projects that weren't even for a grade.

now, since it's just me and my tucker-dog i don't see any reason why i shouldn't work as much as i want to. like jeri said, it's not hurting anyone, and heck, it makes me feel better about myself. i'll take that wherever i can find it.

where i would draw the line is when you start to feel overwhelmingly stressed out. work doesn't need to be your entire life, but i know that i have a hard time doing other things when i know i should be working. then i get bored when i have no work to do. everyone's different i guess, my brother is a 9-5 guy, on the dot. i can't picture him ever taking work home with him. he'd also probably keep his hours from 12-2 if he could.

GlassPrisoner

I've said it before, we're (alkies and codies) a lot more alike than I realized.

Alkies too are perfectionists and overacheivers. OCD ? yup ! It's that whole expectations thing. You know, the one that gets us in trouble ? Personally, I think for me it's overcompensating for feelings of being "less than".

elizabeth1979

Sometimes I think Im not hurting anyone, but it is hurting me I guess, or I wouldnt want to just run away. This is the feeling I get when Im overloaded. I just want to pack up and start a new life somewhere else.

I think I devote so much to work, bc I think its an area I excel at.
I gain alot of my own self approval from work, which I know is not healthy for me.
Seems I have alot of work to do in the self-love department.

Saying no, is something I do alot. But whats interesting is my passive agressiveness in saying no. I will say no and then bend over backwards to do it anyway. I dont want anyone to expect anything of me, but i want to do it anyway. TO prove to myself that I can.

That read, CMC, I needed that.
The work is being given to me. I've said maybe 3 times in the last 3 weeks that I need some help and cant get everything done. They just tell me to do my best and 'do what you can'.

Thats the worst thing anyone can say to me.
Telling a perfectionist codependent to 'do their best'!

It does all stem from a feeling of less-than I guess.

MsGolightly

what if you just got up and walked out when the day was over? could you try just leaving your work at work tonight, and not doing anymore after you clock out?

might be totally hard, but it's worth a shot. maybe you'll even start to get used to the feeling of not having to do everything... and maybe you'll actually get that help you need. your boss or coworkers or whoever is giving you the work will probably keep giving it to you, especially if you keep getting a lot done. perhaps subconsciously, they know what a perfectionist codie you are, and they'll just keep giving you more and more until you just STOP.

aztchr

For me, work was the only thing I could really control and that was only in my classroom. I couldn't control the outside stuff. I felt safe and in a comfort zone at work. Then I worked through it and realized, I'm much better to myself and others when I let go a little of that control, too.

You are good at what you do and people know things will get done. The expectation is high from others. When I started saying yes only to absolute things I wanted to do, I felt better. I needed to set time limits and really prioritize. Everything couldn't be #1 on my list and didn't need to be.

Sounds like more time for YOU is needed! For me, I had to practice giving myself permission to put myself first above work. In the long run, most people, probably won't say "I wish I would have worked more."

elizabeth1979

Lightbulb moment. How didnt I see this?
Im used to doing everything. Ive always been used to doing everything.
Being over-responsible started when I was little. Had to be responsible, dysfunction at home required it. Had to be with my ex, his addiction and lack of responsibility left alot 'undone'. Sure i could leave it undone, but didnt leave it most of the time. And now work. Im just acting out what Ive done. Feeling like I have to do everthing.


Interesting. Hadnt really thought about that. Very true on my end though.

aztchr

I thought I could control it, but really it was controlling me, too. If I wasn't stressed and ill about my ex, I was consumed by work. It's very easy to find things to do. There's always more to do. I really had to set limits for myself.

You'll discover the real reason. At least you are recognizing a lack of balance.

aztchr

One more thing...

When I started setting those limits, asking for help, not doing more than I could handle for my own health, my needs became more apparent and I actually wasn't productive anymore if I kept pushing myself. It was ok to STOP.

Practice and progress, not perfection.

an'ka

That actually was the first thing that popped into my mind is that you are trying hard to excel at work because life at home has been unmanageable despite your best efforts. So, as a perfectionist (I consider myself one as well), you feel the need to prove that you are in fact in charge--in charge of something. With you, it just happened to be work. And it could also be that if your home situation is finally calming down, you subconsiously miss the chaos, the drama that always accompanies addiction. Two years after separating from my husband, my home life is so quiet and peaceful that I oftentimes feel bored, like something is missing. Years of training in putting out fires, big and small, have taken their toll, I guess. You are also clearly replacing your "can do" attitude as partner in a relationship to relationship with your employer--people pleasing and bending backwards even though you say no every time--isn't that classic codependence?

embraced2000

one thing that helped me overcome my frustrations at feeling overworked, was to just pick a place and quit. and to understand that my work is never finished.....i just stop.

that was back when i stayed stressed out over everything including working too much.

i guess in my life, work was the only thing that really made any sense to me....there was a structure to things at work...there was order....there were policies and procedures to fall back on.....things just made sense.

after ending my life with my xah, i really went into a weird zone in my head and vegged out on the couch, (i live where i work) and slept.

when i woke up out of my zone, i threw myself into my work like a madwoman, falling into bed each night so exhausted i could not sleep. gradually, i caught up from my months of down time, and began to feel all stressed out from all the work i was doing....so i just started choosing a place to stop.

now i seem to have hit a happy stride that fits my life. when that doesn't work for me any more, i'll change it again.

i hope you can find your stride soon....i have a feeling you will.

TexasGirl

(((Sarah)))

Good thoughts from everyone. I think you're right that this could be just what you're used to, and that you might have to force yourself to do otherwise until it's a habit.

I'm thinking that vacation you have on the radar could be a good thing too....