splendra

...and when his acting like a complete jerk becomes more and more frequent what will you do about it? See if you put up with it even one time that gives the go ahead to do it again...

WhatAboutME

This WILL all change if he truly is an alcoholic and does not recover. As I mentioned in my previous post, alcoholism is a progressive disease. So, while things are peaches and rainbows right now, his disease will begin to consume him and his behavior will change. It may take a month, a year, 5 years, etc.

But he does. What if you miss the opportunity to meet the truly perfect man for both you and your daughter who doesn't drink because you're waiting for him to be what you want? I don't have a child, but I have been asking this of myself almost every minute lately as my AH prepares to be d/c from rehab next week. I finally believe that I don't have to settle on "almost" perfect. I'm worth more than that. And so are you!

hopeangel

<< is this acceptable for your daughter? is this what you would want for her in a man? >>

....."EXCEPT"..... for the substance abuse....I guess the answer for me then would be that it is not acceptable.

my friend above said it perfectly. you could have described my ah to a tee. the true ugliness of his disease did not really rear it's head until three days before our wedding, what's is a girl to do then? although it was always there i just excused it much the way i fear you are doing here. i would add that good sex does not make a good relationship, partner for you, or role model for your daughter.

citygirl3

I tried to post a reply to you last night, aztchr, but somehow my browser ate it. I'll try again later tonight... I think then, more people will have an idea of who I am and where I am coming from.

To (quickly) answer your questions, No I am not looking for someone to tell me whether or not I should end my relationship with my bf--although that seems to be what I am getting!

To be blunt, I see some of the people on here projecting their experiences onto me. Sorry, but my experiences with an addict are not theirs. And as I stated in my initial post, I *hate, hate, hate* being told what to do. (So please, if you are reading this and it sounds like one of your posts, do back off. Thank you.) I totally understand that most of the people who are pushing me to break it off with him are looking back through time, and advising me to do what they WISHED they had done years ago. I get it. But they are not me, and my A is not their A... And, most importantly, it's not their life... Which brings me to the question I'm most looking for the answer to...

Is it truly inevitable that he will get worse with time? Or could he stay in a level of addictive stasis (for lack of a better term) indefinitely?

If he does get worse, if he does start to take me for granted and treat me poorly, I will walk. I have told him this and he knows it.

If things stay the way they are now, then to answer your 2nd question, yes, I could live with that. I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I feel like I have everything I could want or need...even though, ironically, I have fewer "things" and less money than I ever have. I'm traveling a lot lighter through life.

Now, maybe some of you are convinced that I'm crazy. So be it.

I'm here to educate myself.

citygirl3

Walk. He knows this. Perhaps that's even why he doesn't push the envelope. He caught me off guard last weekend. I've told him I won't listen to that sort of BS, when/if it happens again, and if he decided to try to make a career out of making me miserable, I'd kill that off fast.

I often tell single girlfriends in relationships that the only question we have to ask ourselves is, "Are you happy?" or at least, "Are you happy more than you are unhappy?"

If the answer is "no" why stick around?

Right now, he passes the test, and with flying colors.

Perhaps I'm spinning my wheels here. No one has a crystal ball, and even a guy or gal who is a non-addict could suddenly change into a jerk at anytime.

splendra

I think it could be pretty cut and dry if his drinking and the behaviors that go along with it are okay with you stay with him....

denny57

Boy, I hate being told what to do, too LOL!

I don't advocate staying or leaving. Yes, alcoholism is a progressive disease. I share my experience here. During my own recovery, I have learned to pay attention to those who have gone before me. I don't follow anyone else's path, but I can be taught. I also was one who said "if it gets that far, I'll leave." The truth - when it got that far I was as sick, if not sicker, than the alcoholic and I could not bring myself to leave - after all, I now had so much time invested in the "realtionship!". The addict is not the only one in whom the sickness progresses.

Early in my relationship with AH, I had some people who tried to tell me, some in a blunt manner, some not. I didn't listen to one of them. Eighteen years later, when I was sicker than sick, I listened and got myself to an Al-Anon meeting. I certainly wish I had done it sooner, but I got there when I got there.

For me, the real healing began when I let go of my defensiveness and opened my heart and mind.

((()))

WhatAboutME

People are "projecting" their stories on you because that is exactly what you asked for in your initial post: I have re-read this entire thread and I don't see where anyone, including myself, has tried to "tell" you what to do. I understand that our stories paint a grim picture of what you may face with this man, but untreated alcoholism IS a grim picture. And our stories may become your story if you decide to stay with this man, which only you can decide. And while we are all individuals and the alcoholics in our lives are all individuals, all of our stories sound very, very similar. It's just amazing and it's one of the things that made me see how important a support network is because there are so many others who have/are going through exactly what I have/am.

Yes, his disease will progress with time. How much time? Who knows. Days, weeks, months, years.

LGLG07

hi citygirl3. its nice to meet you and welcome to SR .. I have learned so much since joining here back in March that sometimes my own head spins ! I am married to my A .. we have 4 children together , and while I cannot and will not compare my live with my A to your life with your A , I can certainly identify .

You made it very clear that you dont want to be told what to do and I'm not going to do that , in fact , I dont really think many people on this post are trying to tell you what to do , just trying to get you to look at your situation from outside the box by raising some difficult questions .

It has been said several times , alcohol is a progressive disease . That means without help , it will continue to get worse & worse .. at what rate ??? nobody knows , its different for every A . Your A could go on the way he is for another 5 yrs and then out of nowhere become abusive or depressed or non functioning in the least , by that time you may live together , have one or two children together and certainly be even more in love than you are today which would make it much harder to just walk away .

The point is .. learn now to care for yourself and I dont mean to be independent and be able to just 'walk' when you need to . I mean to truly care for yourself so you dont depend on him to make you happy or judge your happiness on how much he is drinking or isnt drinking . You mentioned that you have plenty of babysitters around, why dont you drop your daughter off and give alanon a try . Truthfully , the first meeting sucks .. sometimes the second one does too , but then it starts to feel like home and it will feel good to know that people can relate to your situation .

I hope you stick around , we can learn more about each other and learn from one another as well ..

best wishes

kglast

if he is truly an alcoholic, the progression is inevitable....sad but true....