struggling
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
struggling
Hi all , I have been on reading but havent had much time to post , end of the school year , projects partys , couple of my kids had birthdays , work , never a dull moment!
Which brings me to why I am struggling .. ah is still at his moms . still going to meetings . still sober . he comes to our house on Friday nghts , stays over (He camps out in living room on the floor with all the kids ) and stays Saturday while
I work . When I come home he leaves and goes back to his moms . We talk at least once a day and its always pleasant . My problem is that he hasnt gotten a job yet , when he is here and Im at work he does nothing to help around the house (I dont ask for much honestly, but I do try to keep a straighted house , all I want him to do is pick up after himself and the kids when Im not here)When I get home on Friday nghts , usually around 10pm , the place is a wreck , every wrapper of every snack & ice cream that him and the kids had are all over the place , dishes in sink , babys high chair a mess , etc etc. . I leave it and go upstairs to get ready for bed but by the time I get home from work on Sat its twice as bad . He tells me he needed to rest , that hes depressed , not sure the medication is working blah blah blah . He also sends me texts msgs during the wk at 11am sometimes noon that say , 'good mrng' ... Huh ?? Ive been up alrdy 5-6 hrs and you are just getting up and telling me good mrng !! The washing machine broke this week so I have been getting up extra early and hauling all our laundry (and theres a lot of it w/4 kids!) to the laudramat before school starts . I do not stop all day long and then I work 3 days a week and with the commute it turns out to be 12 hr days . I feel so resentful of him right now and feel like when he is here the least he could do is mow the damn lawn for crying out loud , clean up after yourself !!! load the stinkin dishwasher!!! I have told him that I feel it very disrespectful that he just waits for me to come home to clean up after him as if I am a maid . He thinks Im over reacting !! AAUUGGHHH
And exactly how does he think the mortgage will get paid if he hasnt worked in almost 2 months .. he doesnt seem to take any of this seriously and im thinking , reconciliation ? whats that ?
Thanks for 'reading' and letting me vent !
xo
Which brings me to why I am struggling .. ah is still at his moms . still going to meetings . still sober . he comes to our house on Friday nghts , stays over (He camps out in living room on the floor with all the kids ) and stays Saturday while
I work . When I come home he leaves and goes back to his moms . We talk at least once a day and its always pleasant . My problem is that he hasnt gotten a job yet , when he is here and Im at work he does nothing to help around the house (I dont ask for much honestly, but I do try to keep a straighted house , all I want him to do is pick up after himself and the kids when Im not here)When I get home on Friday nghts , usually around 10pm , the place is a wreck , every wrapper of every snack & ice cream that him and the kids had are all over the place , dishes in sink , babys high chair a mess , etc etc. . I leave it and go upstairs to get ready for bed but by the time I get home from work on Sat its twice as bad . He tells me he needed to rest , that hes depressed , not sure the medication is working blah blah blah . He also sends me texts msgs during the wk at 11am sometimes noon that say , 'good mrng' ... Huh ?? Ive been up alrdy 5-6 hrs and you are just getting up and telling me good mrng !! The washing machine broke this week so I have been getting up extra early and hauling all our laundry (and theres a lot of it w/4 kids!) to the laudramat before school starts . I do not stop all day long and then I work 3 days a week and with the commute it turns out to be 12 hr days . I feel so resentful of him right now and feel like when he is here the least he could do is mow the damn lawn for crying out loud , clean up after yourself !!! load the stinkin dishwasher!!! I have told him that I feel it very disrespectful that he just waits for me to come home to clean up after him as if I am a maid . He thinks Im over reacting !! AAUUGGHHH
And exactly how does he think the mortgage will get paid if he hasnt worked in almost 2 months .. he doesnt seem to take any of this seriously and im thinking , reconciliation ? whats that ?
Thanks for 'reading' and letting me vent !
xo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
(((lglg)))
I'm sure others who have been through this will be along, but wanted to send my support. I've heard it said, getting rid of the drinking doesn't solve everything. It's also early recovery.
Much love to you.
I'm sure others who have been through this will be along, but wanted to send my support. I've heard it said, getting rid of the drinking doesn't solve everything. It's also early recovery.
Much love to you.
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
Hey FD !
As far as asking him for what I need do you mean from him when he is around the house ?? like picking up after himself ?? Yes I have .. I have told him many times how it makes me feel when I walk in the door on a Fri nght after working all day to a house that will take me an hour to straighten . He thinks I over react . Believe me , you cannot eat off my floors , Im not crazy when it comes to cleaning , (ie , bathrooms once a week , vacuum every couple of days , wash kitchen floor once a week) I do straighten every day otherwise it will get overwhelming . Before I go to bed I make sure everything is pretty much in its place so I can wake up fresh the next mrng .
I dont even think it has much to do with cleaning the house because if he was out doing things with the kids I wouldnt care but he tells me he is doing nothing but watching TV and lying around all day . I guess I feel its so unfair that I am still here doing it all and he is just relaxing all the time , no job , no responsibilities at his moms house then he comes here and still acts like he has no responsibilities .
Am I being petty ? Should I just be grateful he is still sober and overlook the rest until it sorts itself out ?
As far as asking him for what I need do you mean from him when he is around the house ?? like picking up after himself ?? Yes I have .. I have told him many times how it makes me feel when I walk in the door on a Fri nght after working all day to a house that will take me an hour to straighten . He thinks I over react . Believe me , you cannot eat off my floors , Im not crazy when it comes to cleaning , (ie , bathrooms once a week , vacuum every couple of days , wash kitchen floor once a week) I do straighten every day otherwise it will get overwhelming . Before I go to bed I make sure everything is pretty much in its place so I can wake up fresh the next mrng .
I dont even think it has much to do with cleaning the house because if he was out doing things with the kids I wouldnt care but he tells me he is doing nothing but watching TV and lying around all day . I guess I feel its so unfair that I am still here doing it all and he is just relaxing all the time , no job , no responsibilities at his moms house then he comes here and still acts like he has no responsibilities .
Am I being petty ? Should I just be grateful he is still sober and overlook the rest until it sorts itself out ?
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 8
Hi, gosh it sounds like you've got so much on your plate - not easy at all!
I wish I had some great advice for you - but I have to say I'm not much different - my ah never does anything around the house either and after years of trying various creative ways to get him to do simple things like putting washing in the laundry I have just given up and do everything myself. Sometimes I feel very resentful when I'm stressed and overworked and it seems like he doesn't notice - I want him to say something like "honey you look tired, I'll do the washing up tonight".
But I have started to focus more on taking care of myself - asking "what do I need to do today to take care of me" - instead of "why isn't he taking care of me".
No easy answers - Hang in there - my prayers are with you.
Becd
I wish I had some great advice for you - but I have to say I'm not much different - my ah never does anything around the house either and after years of trying various creative ways to get him to do simple things like putting washing in the laundry I have just given up and do everything myself. Sometimes I feel very resentful when I'm stressed and overworked and it seems like he doesn't notice - I want him to say something like "honey you look tired, I'll do the washing up tonight".
But I have started to focus more on taking care of myself - asking "what do I need to do today to take care of me" - instead of "why isn't he taking care of me".
No easy answers - Hang in there - my prayers are with you.
Becd
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
No, you're not being petty. I'd be pretty ticked if I came home to a similar situation, especially if he's sitting on his keester watching TV all day. Can he watch the children at his mom's house? That way, you don't have to pick up after him and you'll feel less resentful. Or perhaps you have a friend or relative who's a single mother who'd be willing to exchange babysitting duties with you. You could watch her kids on Sunday or one night during the week, and she could watch your kids on Saturday.
It must be nice to always have an excuse for shirking one's responsibilities off on others. Lots of folks suffer from depression, but they manage to hold down full-time jobs, take care of their children, and their home and lawn.
It must be nice to always have an excuse for shirking one's responsibilities off on others. Lots of folks suffer from depression, but they manage to hold down full-time jobs, take care of their children, and their home and lawn.
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
Thank you BecD
FD - I think Im so used to putting up with his crap that its just natural for me to think I may be over-reacting . His mom lives about 1 1/2 hrs from us so it would be alot of driving for him to come down to get them and then drive back .. (and why do I care abt him driving?) but its a great idea for the summer since I work in bet home and his mom , he can meet me there on Fri and pick them up from me . That will give me a break for a night as well . Of course I will stress over the baby (shes one) but I will eventually get over that and I know she will be fine . I know there will be so many other issues to work besides putting down the bottle but frankly .... Im tired
FD - I think Im so used to putting up with his crap that its just natural for me to think I may be over-reacting . His mom lives about 1 1/2 hrs from us so it would be alot of driving for him to come down to get them and then drive back .. (and why do I care abt him driving?) but its a great idea for the summer since I work in bet home and his mom , he can meet me there on Fri and pick them up from me . That will give me a break for a night as well . Of course I will stress over the baby (shes one) but I will eventually get over that and I know she will be fine . I know there will be so many other issues to work besides putting down the bottle but frankly .... Im tired
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I'd grab any break I could, especially if it wasn't too far out of my way and I felt certain that my children were safe. Think of all the fun things you could do with a Friday night all to yourself? You could go shopping, out to dinner with friends, catch a movie, browse a bookstore, or just stay home and light come candles, put on some soft music and take a nice leisurely long bath--with NO kids pounding on the door.
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Originally Posted by LGLG07 
Am I being petty ? Should I just be grateful he is still sober and overlook the rest until it sorts itself out ?
I was trying to imagine this same situation without alcohol having ever been an issue. It almost sounds like he is using that as a crutch!
You are being the opposite of petty. I looked in the dictionary and the opposite of it is GENEROUS! You have been very generous!!
Originally Posted by LGLG07
but frankly .... Im tired
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
LGLG07 .... I feel so sorry for the situation you are in. I was exhausted just reading about all you had to do .... you are a super mom for sure! When my kids were younger I can remember having to work long hours when my husband wasn't capable ... on top of doing all the child rearing. About this time I learned to adjust to things being a little messier and made my dust bunnies members of the family.
The one and only time my AH really stopped drinking, he started going to frequent AA meetings for months and showed absolutely no motivation to work hard and earn some much needed money. We were paying a fortune for extra help at our business just so he wouldn't have to work but an hour or two a day - and we were losing more money than we were making because of all those extra salaries we had to pay. Eventually he started to come around and by the next year ...he was working the hardest he had worked in many years. In his case, he was still adjusting to sobriety and redefining his life without alcohol being the focal point and was feeling a little lost ... and struggling with depression as well. I understand your frustration with your overwhelming responsibilties...hopefully in time he will see the light and be able to lighten your very heavy load.
The one and only time my AH really stopped drinking, he started going to frequent AA meetings for months and showed absolutely no motivation to work hard and earn some much needed money. We were paying a fortune for extra help at our business just so he wouldn't have to work but an hour or two a day - and we were losing more money than we were making because of all those extra salaries we had to pay. Eventually he started to come around and by the next year ...he was working the hardest he had worked in many years. In his case, he was still adjusting to sobriety and redefining his life without alcohol being the focal point and was feeling a little lost ... and struggling with depression as well. I understand your frustration with your overwhelming responsibilties...hopefully in time he will see the light and be able to lighten your very heavy load.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
There's always an excuse for him not doing his best. What he's not realizing is that each time you walk through the door to the mess, you think less and less of him.
There are certain phrases that don't apply to your life. Clean a a whistle, Ship shape, a place for everything and everything in it's place.......
He wants his least effort to be good enough and his excuses to appease you.
Day after day that he watches the kids, he's thinking he's filling a role that will make you miss him.
I think every wife of an alcoholic has a common wish, please be a man, rise to the occassion and do your best. Don't you get sick and tired of him rising to his least?
I felt like screaming, would you please push the freaking envelope, that doesn't mean changing the channel manually.
There are certain phrases that don't apply to your life. Clean a a whistle, Ship shape, a place for everything and everything in it's place.......
He wants his least effort to be good enough and his excuses to appease you.
Day after day that he watches the kids, he's thinking he's filling a role that will make you miss him.
I think every wife of an alcoholic has a common wish, please be a man, rise to the occassion and do your best. Don't you get sick and tired of him rising to his least?
I felt like screaming, would you please push the freaking envelope, that doesn't mean changing the channel manually.
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
thanks all so much .. great comments and great advice .. always so good to be reminded that we are not alone ! I knew if i posted this i would feel better and i do !
i needed that reassurance to make me stronger .
Its Friday ! things will be different tnght that is for sure . my son has a tball game at 5:30 so I will have my ah bring all the kids to the game and then head to his moms house .. i can get the kids from him on sat after work . Im already smiling just thinking of the shopping and book store browsing that is ahead of me ! lol
Every time I think I make it over a hump there is another hump waiting .. part of the process I guess , each hump makes us stronger ... right??!!
Maybe I'll buy a washing machine tnght !! how romantic !
((()))s!
M
i needed that reassurance to make me stronger .
Its Friday ! things will be different tnght that is for sure . my son has a tball game at 5:30 so I will have my ah bring all the kids to the game and then head to his moms house .. i can get the kids from him on sat after work . Im already smiling just thinking of the shopping and book store browsing that is ahead of me ! lol
Every time I think I make it over a hump there is another hump waiting .. part of the process I guess , each hump makes us stronger ... right??!!
Maybe I'll buy a washing machine tnght !! how romantic !
((()))s!
M
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
Well the weekend wasnt that bad .. I worked on Friday and one of the girls I work with was leaving so we all went out after work for some appetizers and drinks .. the timing could not have been better , I really needed a couple hours of adult time ! When I got home the house was clean , the kids were all in their beds and my ah was settled on the couch with his pillow watching tv . I didnt say much but thanked him for picking up after himself and the kids and I went upstairs to bed .
After work on Sat , same thing , I came home to a straightened house and the lawn mowed ! He said he felt really good about getting things done and being more a part of the 'every day' stuff . He left and went back to his moms about an hour after I got home . Im trying to be greatful but at the same time not give him too many kudos , seems the more I do that , the more he tends to put the brakes on . Like he deserves to slack off now because he worked so hard ! It only took him 9 years !
BABY STEPS!!!
Thanks for all your help and concern !! We shall see what this weekend brings !
(())s
After work on Sat , same thing , I came home to a straightened house and the lawn mowed ! He said he felt really good about getting things done and being more a part of the 'every day' stuff . He left and went back to his moms about an hour after I got home . Im trying to be greatful but at the same time not give him too many kudos , seems the more I do that , the more he tends to put the brakes on . Like he deserves to slack off now because he worked so hard ! It only took him 9 years !
BABY STEPS!!!
Thanks for all your help and concern !! We shall see what this weekend brings !
(())s
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Glad to hear everything is going more smoothly ... and you had a well-deserved chance to relax a little this weekend.
I understand what you mean about not doing a big cheerleading routine when they start helping out ... it can sometimes backfire and they might get distracted while aggressively patting themselves on the back. An simple appreciative acknowledgment is many times the best response. He sounds like he is back on track with his recovery.
I understand what you mean about not doing a big cheerleading routine when they start helping out ... it can sometimes backfire and they might get distracted while aggressively patting themselves on the back. An simple appreciative acknowledgment is many times the best response. He sounds like he is back on track with his recovery.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Happy to hear that you had a better weekend this week. Now about the praise and thank-you routine, years ago, I read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," and if the theories presented in that book are still considered relevent today (haven't revisited the topic since then), men tend to respond very well to positive feedback, praise, and what we women might consider an overdose of thank-you's.
I remember one point that came across clearly in that book is that men seek praise for tasks we women do without ever expecting praise or thank-you's--you know everyday tasks that women consider part of taking care of their family unit--such as making sure the fridge is always stocked, picking up the kids after school, cleaning the toilets, making the bed.
I remember one point that came across clearly in that book is that men seek praise for tasks we women do without ever expecting praise or thank-you's--you know everyday tasks that women consider part of taking care of their family unit--such as making sure the fridge is always stocked, picking up the kids after school, cleaning the toilets, making the bed.
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