Talked to him
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
I suddenly realized I can move on now.
It's in my thread about relapse.I TOTALLY understand you NEEDING to do what you did. I needed to do what I did too. And like you, I am not only NOT sorry, but have been enlightened. I don't CARE if I pissed him off. As Prodigal says, "sh** or get OFF the pot" I'm SO all done with the pity pot.
I learned another thing too. We can listen and absorb the help we seek out, but in the end, the decision is ours. While some things about our "communities" have "common ground" every situation is different, every person an entity unto themselves. What one person needs for closure, another will stop before,,or even after. Its not about "judgement" and whether I or anyone else in your life or on this board, or in a meeting, family or friends, AGREE with your decision.
I for one, am here to Share and SUPPORT. And encourage to look at the PROGRESS. Again, individual and unique to each and every one of us, even the "veterns". Life is learning, they say when you stop, you'll be dead.
I'm glad you went. I'm glad your safe, and I'm GLAD your here!!!!
Peace my Sista
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
"Well, I broke my own no contact rule--again!"
Can you tell us why you contacted him and what need it fulfilled? I mean the REAL reason why you did so. Not just what you want to believe or the one you want us to hear. Dig down deep and find the REAL reason.
Can you tell us why you contacted him and what need it fulfilled? I mean the REAL reason why you did so. Not just what you want to believe or the one you want us to hear. Dig down deep and find the REAL reason.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
My ex's dad had been in pretty bad shape before I last spoke to him and I've wondered what I would say if he ever found a way to contact me to tell me his dad was gravely ill or had passed.
Might sound heartless, but I wouldn't come to his aid.
To me, that would give the message that if you go through life treating others like used toilet paper that if something bad happens to you, the world owes you friends who will come to your beckon call. Not this time. He can reap what he has sown and be responsible for it.
When the last of my grandparents died, I stood alone among the other couples who comforted each other.
Might sound heartless, but I wouldn't come to his aid.
To me, that would give the message that if you go through life treating others like used toilet paper that if something bad happens to you, the world owes you friends who will come to your beckon call. Not this time. He can reap what he has sown and be responsible for it.
When the last of my grandparents died, I stood alone among the other couples who comforted each other.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by cagefree 
To me, that would give the message that if you go through life treating others like used toilet paper that if something bad happens to you, the world owes you friends who will come to your beckon call. Not this time. He can reap what he has sown and be responsible for it.
When the last of my grandparents died, I stood alone among the other couples who comforted each other.
When the last of my grandparents died, I stood alone among the other couples who comforted each other.
right on! i'm a firm believer that what goes around comes around. treating someone like "used toilet paper" (ha, i chuckled out loud at that one!) and then having that same person keep coming around and showing you it's okay only lets them continue doing it... forever!
cagefree, i put my beloved dog to sleep in march (although it's not quite a grandparent), alone, even though my ex knew exactly what was happening and what i was going through. when her dog dies, i won't be holding her hand either.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by chero
But I'll tell you it was almost cleansing for me to see him. Knowing he did all that whether I was there or not, knowing he did that even though he is on probabtion, even though he has been turned in to the licensing board for his last arrest, even though his wife has moved out. It was almost, I don't know what, liberating for me.
I suddenly realized I can move on now. I can't help him or change him.
I was finally able to tell him out loud my boundaries. His pleas, tears and begging didn't have any affect on me. It was so weird. I felt so removed from the situation.
When I left there I felt like I was finally going to be able to allow myself to move on without him.
YIKES!
Ot OH!
I guess she isn't joking around this time.
What am I to do?
and with him seeing and knowing you mean business, his thoughts above (yes we do know when you mean business vs when you just say it and change your mind later (as may have happened in the past).
By holding your ground and sticking to your boundaries, those of us on the other side do get the message loud and clear. Now his choices will tell where his future goes. He will seek recovery now or he will seek recovery later...his choice. You can't make it for him but you may have done the best thing you can do for him and continue to pray as well.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
"I don't know, KG. I don't think he is drinking."
OK, help me figure this out. He tells you he wrecked his truck but doesn't remember exactly WHERE he wrecked it, and you somehow convince yourself he's not drinking. Does that sound like something a sober person would do and say? Or is that just wishful thinking on your part? Perhaps the term "wishful thinking" is an inappropriate term here. Let's call it what it really is: STINKIN' CODIE THINKIN'.
As long as you remain in denial and remain in constant contact with your alcoholic partner, you will not be able to clear your head and make healthier, wiser choices in your life.
And here's another question for you. Why would you want to spend the day with a man who so frightened you a week or so ago with physical and emotional violence that you feared for your life?
You say you want a better life; you tell us you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect; you claim you're ready to move forward, but your actions say otherwise. You cannot move forward as long as you are unwilling to let go of the past. The only way to achieve your goal of a peaceful, happy, and serene life is to align your actions with your goals.
OK, help me figure this out. He tells you he wrecked his truck but doesn't remember exactly WHERE he wrecked it, and you somehow convince yourself he's not drinking. Does that sound like something a sober person would do and say? Or is that just wishful thinking on your part? Perhaps the term "wishful thinking" is an inappropriate term here. Let's call it what it really is: STINKIN' CODIE THINKIN'.
As long as you remain in denial and remain in constant contact with your alcoholic partner, you will not be able to clear your head and make healthier, wiser choices in your life.
And here's another question for you. Why would you want to spend the day with a man who so frightened you a week or so ago with physical and emotional violence that you feared for your life?
You say you want a better life; you tell us you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect; you claim you're ready to move forward, but your actions say otherwise. You cannot move forward as long as you are unwilling to let go of the past. The only way to achieve your goal of a peaceful, happy, and serene life is to align your actions with your goals.
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
"Well, I broke my own no contact rule--again!"
Can you tell us why you contacted him and what need it fulfilled? I mean the REAL reason why you did so. Not just what you want to believe or the one you want us to hear. Dig down deep and find the REAL reason.
Can you tell us why you contacted him and what need it fulfilled? I mean the REAL reason why you did so. Not just what you want to believe or the one you want us to hear. Dig down deep and find the REAL reason.
Why? Honestly, When I left the house this morning I knew I was going to see him. Oh, FD, this kind of honesty hurts. But I wanted to see him and comfort him and hold him and know that he was okay.
And I know that is sick and awful and totally codie. But that is the need I had to fix and comfort and just see for myself what had happened.
But honestly, when I got over there and saw how bad he really was--I was totally removed from the situation. It's like it wasn't even me anymore. I was able to step back and see how sick he was and how sick I was for being there.
I can't explain it but it's like the part of me that wants him and loves him took a back seat for the first time ever to the part of me that wants a life for myself. And I don't know if that will ever include him or not but it will include me.
I've never been able to say to him the things I said today. His tears didn't work on me. It felt good to defend myself.
And not that it was so easy but it felt so right. I felt like I had power.
I don't even understand it.
But HONESTLY, I went over there with bad little codie intentions of fixing everything. I left realizing I can't do ANYTHING for him.
Honestly, I'm a little fearful my determination will start to slip but if it does I'll just come back here and read this and keep talking. I don't know what else to do.
It felt so good today to say out loud all those things I never could say to him before and to not be emotional over it.
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
"I don't know, KG. I don't think he is drinking."
OK, help me figure this out. He tells you he wrecked his truck but doesn't remember exactly WHERE he wrecked it, and you somehow convince yourself he's not drinking. Does that sound like something a sober person would do and say? Or is that just wishful thinking on your part? Perhaps the term "wishful thinking" is an inappropriate term here. Let's call it what it really is: STINKIN' CODIE THINKIN'.
OK, help me figure this out. He tells you he wrecked his truck but doesn't remember exactly WHERE he wrecked it, and you somehow convince yourself he's not drinking. Does that sound like something a sober person would do and say? Or is that just wishful thinking on your part? Perhaps the term "wishful thinking" is an inappropriate term here. Let's call it what it really is: STINKIN' CODIE THINKIN'.
I know my actions have been all over the place. I know I've sat on the stinking pity pot too long. But I'm off. All I know to do is start from where I am.
What else can I do???
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Another question that requires you to dig down deep to find the real answer:
Did you feel powerful because you felt in control of the situation, in control over your husband and his drinking, and it felt good to put him in his place?
When I dug down deep to find the real answer, my answer was yes. I liked being in control of Richard. It made me feel better than him and temporarily better about myself. It made me feel powerful. But that's no longer my definition of powerful.
Today I feel powerful in a different way. I no longer need to control Richard. I no longer feel powerful by attempting to control others. I feel powerful when I am in control of my own destiny and my own life and I allow others to do the same.
That's my definition of power.
Did you feel powerful because you felt in control of the situation, in control over your husband and his drinking, and it felt good to put him in his place?
When I dug down deep to find the real answer, my answer was yes. I liked being in control of Richard. It made me feel better than him and temporarily better about myself. It made me feel powerful. But that's no longer my definition of powerful.
Today I feel powerful in a different way. I no longer need to control Richard. I no longer feel powerful by attempting to control others. I feel powerful when I am in control of my own destiny and my own life and I allow others to do the same.
That's my definition of power.
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
You know, maybe powerful wasn't the right word...maybe it was??
I felt justified. I didn't feel in control of him. I felt validated. Is that bad???
He has always escaped harm. Oh, he's been in trouble with the law but nothing lasting or too bad. But this time he had physical pain and bruises and lacerations that won't quickly heal.
Do I like to be in control...110%! I'm working on that.
But I didn't feel in control of him today. I felt like I had proof of how awful his drinking has been.
I think my power came from feeling like I could finally take charge of my life because this latest stunt validated my reasons for leaving.
I felt justified. I didn't feel in control of him. I felt validated. Is that bad???
He has always escaped harm. Oh, he's been in trouble with the law but nothing lasting or too bad. But this time he had physical pain and bruises and lacerations that won't quickly heal.
Do I like to be in control...110%! I'm working on that.
But I didn't feel in control of him today. I felt like I had proof of how awful his drinking has been.
I think my power came from feeling like I could finally take charge of my life because this latest stunt validated my reasons for leaving.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
I was away and did not see this post-but there really is not much more to say than that which has been said to you! So I will just give you a big ((((((CHERO))))))
This shall pass hon! Hang on and stick to YOU!
This shall pass hon! Hang on and stick to YOU!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Did you feel powerful because you felt in control of the situation, in control over your husband and his drinking, and it felt good to put him in his place?
Like FD, I felt BETTER than him. A close secondary to that is, ~pow~ in your face and I hope it hurts you as much as you hurt me. If you want me to help you and love you, you'll do x,y,z,and SUFFER the way I HAVE suffered.
As I look at that, all I can think is I was looking yet again for someone other than MYSELF to validate me.
Maybe that's why you felt validated Sista?
That was very hard for me to admit. It's CERTAINLY not very nice. I think I am a nice person. In fact, I would go so far to say I have compassion.
That admission shows I'm not very nice to ME and have zero compassion for myself
I can't live the rest of my life, trying to "even" the score
Peace
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