Why is doing the right thing so incredibly hard.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Northern NJ
Posts: 71
Why is doing the right thing so incredibly hard.....
Hi All:
I came to SR a few months ago when the guy I was seeing turned out to be an active acoholic going into rehab. At the time I was so distraught about the whole darn situation that I didn't know what to do and found a lot of comfort and answers here. It wasn't like I hadn't been around acohol my whole life (both my ex-h and father abused alcohol), but somehow it was different. Perhaps the intensity of it or that both my dad and ex were able to quit with ease, who knows.
You know what they say about having 'too much knowledge'. HA!! OK, you can never have too much. ;-) Well, anyway, my neighbor's drinking is so completely out of control. I met him a few years ago -- he has custody of his 12 year old son. It wasn't until I came to this site when I really understood what is happening with him and how alcoholism is definitely a progressive disease. He is completely out of control!!! I used to think -- am I the only one that sees his drinking because he basically does it at home. I can see him from my window drinking in the backyard while smoking. When a person drinks that much -- its bound to filter out elsewhere and sure enough. I ran into his ex-wife and she said that her mom was giving her the money to fight for custody because he continually calls her and her family with his drunken ramblings. Although she isn't an angel either, at this point she seems the better of the two.
He and I have become very close of the last couple of years and I have absolutely no problem in telling him anything. So... I told him if he doesn't stop the drinking he will more than likely lose his son. I thought it out there what she had told me. I'm rationalizing it that she doesn't really want custody -- I believe that she likes her life the way that it is, she sees him often, but she is getting pressure from her family that he just isn't in a healthy environment. I figured if the goal is to get him sober, why hide it.
Of course, he first reaction is that they will never give custody to her, she smokes pot. Hello??? As soon as she makes the allegation, child services is going to get involved and either of them will get him.
Anyway, she ask me to support her because I know what goes on 'over there'. URG!!! I told her that I want the best for your son, nothing more nothing less. So, basically she gave her attorney all of my information and perhaps even child services.
So, now what?? I hate this!!! I feel like a traitor!! I know in my heart that saying nothing is not an option. I know that he loves his dad so much. From the outside, he looks like the perfect dad, always with him, take care of him, supports him, cooks for him, coaches him, and the list goes on and on, BUT.... the poor kid also has to see him drunk at least 5 nights a week. This kid doesn't deserve to live like this any longer. Enough already!!
I came to SR a few months ago when the guy I was seeing turned out to be an active acoholic going into rehab. At the time I was so distraught about the whole darn situation that I didn't know what to do and found a lot of comfort and answers here. It wasn't like I hadn't been around acohol my whole life (both my ex-h and father abused alcohol), but somehow it was different. Perhaps the intensity of it or that both my dad and ex were able to quit with ease, who knows.
You know what they say about having 'too much knowledge'. HA!! OK, you can never have too much. ;-) Well, anyway, my neighbor's drinking is so completely out of control. I met him a few years ago -- he has custody of his 12 year old son. It wasn't until I came to this site when I really understood what is happening with him and how alcoholism is definitely a progressive disease. He is completely out of control!!! I used to think -- am I the only one that sees his drinking because he basically does it at home. I can see him from my window drinking in the backyard while smoking. When a person drinks that much -- its bound to filter out elsewhere and sure enough. I ran into his ex-wife and she said that her mom was giving her the money to fight for custody because he continually calls her and her family with his drunken ramblings. Although she isn't an angel either, at this point she seems the better of the two.
He and I have become very close of the last couple of years and I have absolutely no problem in telling him anything. So... I told him if he doesn't stop the drinking he will more than likely lose his son. I thought it out there what she had told me. I'm rationalizing it that she doesn't really want custody -- I believe that she likes her life the way that it is, she sees him often, but she is getting pressure from her family that he just isn't in a healthy environment. I figured if the goal is to get him sober, why hide it.
Of course, he first reaction is that they will never give custody to her, she smokes pot. Hello??? As soon as she makes the allegation, child services is going to get involved and either of them will get him.
Anyway, she ask me to support her because I know what goes on 'over there'. URG!!! I told her that I want the best for your son, nothing more nothing less. So, basically she gave her attorney all of my information and perhaps even child services.
So, now what?? I hate this!!! I feel like a traitor!! I know in my heart that saying nothing is not an option. I know that he loves his dad so much. From the outside, he looks like the perfect dad, always with him, take care of him, supports him, cooks for him, coaches him, and the list goes on and on, BUT.... the poor kid also has to see him drunk at least 5 nights a week. This kid doesn't deserve to live like this any longer. Enough already!!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I truly don't mean to sound as though I am bashing on you when I say what I am about to say. Understand that it's not my intent to come across as negative or anything, but I'm a rather blunt and to the point kind of person and there is no buttering up my opinion and thoughts here.
You were dating this man - and became so distraught over the situation..........
yet you now feel badly or somehow responsible that someone is threatening to take a 12 year old child away from this man?
Perhaps this man does love his son. You know - most of our A's loved us too. It wasn't in a healthy way, nor was it the way we wanted them too, but somehow in their own way, they loved us too. That love sure didn't make it less confusing, less painful, or any better.
I guess what I'm saying is this.........
If this man drinks too much or is an alcoholic - I am glad that someone is looking out for the best interest of the child. There are many members here at SR that can attest to the fact that they have issues because of being raised in an alcoholic home. There are also those that have children and can see the damage that they (or their A significant other) caused for those children.
Alcoholism is a family problem. It hurts and adults and children.
I understand that you are feeling a lot of emotions right now - your sense of loyalty is being tested, your sense of doing the right thing, etc etc etc.
Do you realize that this is a common feeling when involved with an A?
Oh yes, they take over our lives. We become stressful messes as we try to wade through the stress and chaos that they and their drinking bring.
You have a choice. You actually have many choices.
I guess what it comes down too is just how involved are you willing to get? How much drama and chaos is enough for you?
It's simple the way I see it - if his drinking is that important to him that he'd willingly risk losing his child for alcohol, then he has a problem.
But you know what - That problem is NOT your problem. It's his.
Let it go.
Step away.
Allow HIM to deal with HIS problem.
You were dating this man - and became so distraught over the situation..........
yet you now feel badly or somehow responsible that someone is threatening to take a 12 year old child away from this man?
Perhaps this man does love his son. You know - most of our A's loved us too. It wasn't in a healthy way, nor was it the way we wanted them too, but somehow in their own way, they loved us too. That love sure didn't make it less confusing, less painful, or any better.
I guess what I'm saying is this.........
If this man drinks too much or is an alcoholic - I am glad that someone is looking out for the best interest of the child. There are many members here at SR that can attest to the fact that they have issues because of being raised in an alcoholic home. There are also those that have children and can see the damage that they (or their A significant other) caused for those children.
Alcoholism is a family problem. It hurts and adults and children.
I understand that you are feeling a lot of emotions right now - your sense of loyalty is being tested, your sense of doing the right thing, etc etc etc.
Do you realize that this is a common feeling when involved with an A?
Oh yes, they take over our lives. We become stressful messes as we try to wade through the stress and chaos that they and their drinking bring.
You have a choice. You actually have many choices.
I guess what it comes down too is just how involved are you willing to get? How much drama and chaos is enough for you?
It's simple the way I see it - if his drinking is that important to him that he'd willingly risk losing his child for alcohol, then he has a problem.
But you know what - That problem is NOT your problem. It's his.
Let it go.
Step away.
Allow HIM to deal with HIS problem.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Northern NJ
Posts: 71
Originally Posted by StandingStrong 
You were dating this man - and became so distraught over the situation..........
yet you now feel badly or somehow responsible that someone is threatening to take a 12 year old child away from this man?
yet you now feel badly or somehow responsible that someone is threatening to take a 12 year old child away from this man?
I feel like I've been through enough with alcoholic BS in my life and that this drama is being thrown right in my lap. I guess the reality is that when there is A involved, there will always be chaos and drama.
I suppose my best option is to just let this play out and see what happens. Perhaps I'm putting the cart before the horse.
Thanks. JO
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Put simply..doing the WRONG thing becomes incredibly hard when Im emotionally well.
Doing the right thing felt wrong to me because I was all messed up in my head. The more I make healthy decisions (aka the right thing) the easier it becomes
Doing the right thing felt wrong to me because I was all messed up in my head. The more I make healthy decisions (aka the right thing) the easier it becomes
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by care4uNJ
I feel like I've been through enough with alcoholic BS in my life and that this drama is being thrown right in my lap.
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