chero

Okay, so I'm here tonight to follow everyone's advice.

About 9:30 this evening the air just went out of me and I could feel that depression setting in. It took everything I had to drive back to the house I'm staying and NOT pack my bags and run home.

Two things stopped me. I wanted to talk to you guys and I had a suspicion that maybe he was drinking tonight and literally I got that big knot in the pit of my stomach and my heart felt so heavy and I had a moment where I thought I wonder what it would be like to not ever feel that way again!?

You know, that uneasy is he or isn't he feeling!? I hate that feeling. And I wondered what would it be like if I stopped letting that be my problem. It has been a few days now since I had that feeling and it was awful to feel it again.

It's hard. But I'm not packing my bags. I'm not going home. I'm going to be strong this time. But that in itself is a whole new feeling and it hurts too.

best

This I know...
The pain comes but for a moment and it does get better with time.
It is like riding a bike up a hill some days...when you get to the top, you know it is a easier ride down the other side.
Stay the course...it does get better.

LiLL

**{Chero}} i have no advice to give... Just want to let you know i'm thinking of you and wishing you well. I admire you for your courage and trying to learn and grow everyday.

Tally

If I could do what you're doing I'd be really proud of myself, you should be too. I've been following your story, I don't post that often, just read mainly, but you've got guts lady....It takes real courage to walk away and from the sounds of it you deserve so much better, no one deserves to be treated like a punch bag.

Wishing you well, just keep telling yourself "Enough!"...

Nat x x

SaTiT

lol..Chero , do you know how manytimes I check in on her ?

Breathe....count from 100 to 1 backwards..
take the stupid note pad out and start writing..
write it all out..all the layers..get to the bottom of it.

it's like the two snow ball affect...the current situation are just triggers
of something deep inside of you...You're getting to let it go or is ready to release it.
It's like a splinter getting ready to be pull out of you...it hurts
The wound is open..

pull out the splinter..in other words face your fears, all your anger,
Unresolved anger cuased my obsessive behaviors.
But it couldn't be resolved with my GF...she was just the triggers.

an opportunity in crissis
On a spiritaul level...god was just using my gf as an instrument to
cut into me to pull out my sickness/codeendency ( like a piece of glass was stuck inside of me and i heal over it)..it needs to come out..becuase it's getting infected.
so I don't have to suffer anymore.

on a mental level..even if I move on with out doing this...I'll only be attracted to someone as
sick as me, or that'll cause me more pain. Or I kept doing this samething
that cuases me pain.

chero

I agree with that Satit. I think there is some healing in me that needs to take place. In fact, I'm sure of it. Is this the way i would have chosen for it to come out? No! But in the end, I know I'll be glad!

I didn't go running home to AH either! Whew!

chero

Well, I just wanted to report in and say I feel better this morning.

The last few days it's been hard to remember the reasons I left. But having that feeling again last night opened a flood gate of feelings and memories for me.

I was writing in my journal this morning and I was remembering so much. Just the anxiety of not knowing and wondering if you even want to go home at the end of the day...I had forgotten about that.

It was strange how quickly I forgot the bad and let my heart take over.

But I feel better today. Strangely so, I guess.
I'm glad I didn't go running back to him!

And LoveRoy, thanks for the definition of home--it helped me!

loveRoy

Chero, I knew in my heart that you would like that. Believe me, I too needed to write that. Going to church to do some powerful praying.

mallowcup

Is it him you miss or home? Important difference. If it's home you miss and not him. You can go home with an active plan to detach. Once your mind is in the detachement mode, I think he becomes like an ugly lamp you can't throw out. No more.

chero

Wow Mallow! You know, I'm not sure which it is.

Him or home?? The two always went together. I'm going to think about that!

TexasGirl

That's one of the best statements I've seen posted on here.

Cheryl, I am just so very proud of you. I think you're one cool chick.

CE Girl

You know Mallow, I had sort of the same thoughts when I was thinking about my Sista yesterday,,,,

Chero, I'm gonna say this, even though there's a part of me that wants to tell you to stay away. That's on me though, not you. And since none of us knows of another's situation because we don't LIVE it, to give you advice, requires BOTH sides of the coin.

WE all have tried to support your decision to leave you AH. Going on the assumption of course that it IS your decision. Truth? Your in "sorting" mode. Trying to figure it all out. I only ask that you be careful, we on this board, don't influence YOUR decision. IMHO, I think you have to consider/look at ALL your options. And one of them may be to stay in the marriage.

Ok, I'm gonna be honest here. Personally I would hate to see you put yourself in harm's way.

But that is only my PERSONAL, albeit LOVING, opinion.

So, today, in this day, is all we are given. If you need to continue to seperate while you sort, so be it. One thing you have is all the TIME in the world.

By the way, I've been through the "sort", I know in my situation, it's time to break the ties. But I still struggle every day with what your thread discribes .The "twisting" of wanting to know if he is drinking, and being grateful not to know. Polar oppossites, no wonder we don't know if we're coming or going sometimes,,,LOL. It ain't EASY being STRONG Sista and mainting the boundries we ourselves impose. It's so easy to say, " I maketh the rules, I get to break em"

And good morning to all my friends,,

Peace

Mr. Christian

You know it was very hard for me in the beginning. Always wondering what she was doing.
Hell I used to do everything for her, so when I was alone, I had no life!

That was the bottom line. I did everything.
She knew it.
I learned it.

I had to form a new life, a new direction for myself.

It was my freedom from a toxic relationship.
Withdrawals are a b*#!.
So take it slow and steady.
Use those meetings, the more the better.
Talk to people; use the phone list to make connections.
Pick up literature there also, read it.

chero

Well, I can honestly say I didn't see this thread taken the turn it has.

I will admit confusion has been ruling my mind and heart lately. I don't know what I'm going to do. But I got some peace today at church. I was thinking about that lady getting hit over the head with the cane.

I have been that lady for so long. I didn't realize I could stop the pain and I for sure didn't know that I didn't have to have all the answers. What a revelation those two things were.

AH called me this morning and wanted to know again when I was coming home. I just told him I wasn't in a position to make any decisions right now. Right now I was just trying to get myself better.

I have realized that I can't go home like I am now. Do I think the marrigae is over. I honestly don't feel like it is but I know how fickle feelings can be. So, today I don't know the answer.

I have peace about that. I have peace about taking care of myself and I haven't felt that before. The rest?? Well, I'm leaving that with God. If I don't have the answers then I figure I'm not supposed to have the answers, yet.

Like Mr. C said, my life, too, was all about him. I have had no life. I'm working on that!

Thanks so much you guys!! I love the opinions and advice! ALL of it!

It's funny, but I think I'm finally starting to think for myself by listening and learning from everyone here. Isn't that strange!?

LaTeeDa

I have no experience living with physical abuse, but I have read many of the posts and stories here about it. Many have said that detachment and the principles that Alanon teaches can actually be dangerous in a situation where there is physical violence or even the potential for it.

I am in no position to tell you what to do, but I do hope for the sake of your own safety that you do not make the decision to go back to him until you have at least had the opportunity to speak to a counselor who is familiar with your situation. Again, I cannot tell you what to do, I only care about your safety. Please keep yourself safe!

L

cagefree

((((Chero))))
You are very courageous and very strong - thanks for being an inspiration

chero

You know, L, you might be right. I don't really think of myself as having experience with it. The physical part happened three times before I finally left and I don't know if that qualifies me for experience or not?
But, now that I think about it, it did get worse after I started trying to detach.

Does anyone have experience with Alanon making that kind of environment worse?? or better?? or anything??

hopeangel

thank you for reminding me of the feelings that i do not want to have anymore-the wondering if they are going to drink (before they even start doing it) and the not wanting to go home. i needed that reminder tonight so i can continue to work on those things it is really something when you actually realize that you can walk away - that you actually do have the power to stop it. i too have spent a lot of times thinking other people have been in control of my life -when actually it has been me that has been in charge of it all along and is today. quite an empowering realization!!!

LaTeeDa

As I said before, I'm in no position to give advice here, but there is a sticky on the subject.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-partners.html

I hope others will come along to share their own experiences.

L

DesertEyes

Hey there Cheryl,

I think you're doing great.

Al-anon does not make _any_ environment worse. It's the abuser that makes it worse. Al-Anon gives us the tools with which we can make our _own_ choices in life. The problem is that abusers react violently at any restriction of their violent behavior. Doesn't matter _where_ the restriction comes from.

That's why the police and all the health professionals are trained to _first_ make sure the family is physically safe _before_ doing anything else, including al-anon.

Making _your_ choices is what recovery is all about, whether you learn it thru al-anon, CODA, therapy, church, whatever, doesn't matter. All that we can do is encourage you to make your _own_ choice, and show you how we learned to make ours.

I remember how impossibly difficult it was for me to leave my pill addicted wife. How my feelings would overwhelm me and spin my head to where I couldn't hardly tell you my name. I have deep respect for what you are doing, not because you are leaving him, but because you are making your own decisions and _sticking_ to them.

Like TG said, you're one cool chick

Mike