TexasGirl

So I talked to XAH, stbXAH or whatever just now. He said he's checking into rehab today, maybe Monday (depending on when they call). He's lucky to be on my insurance still.....it's like a $23,000 program. I know I could never be with him again, nor do I have any desire to, but these statements still manage to get me involved somehow. I wish I wasn't so negative, but I just don't believe it's going to change anything. I've read so many stories here about rehab failure that I just think it's all stupid. I know it works sometimes...but I am just so damn pessimistic! Me! The eternal optimist! I don't know why I care either. I mean, I really don't want to be with him, but I guess there are some emotions still tied into him. He was crying and blubbering on the phone this morning about how much he loves me and how sorry he is for everything and how it's all his fault. Makes me feel crappy.

Plus, I've been not working on figuring out our financial stuff for the divorce, so now that he's going to be out of commission for 28, I won't be able to move forward. I have so many things I don't know how to resolve or figure out (taxes, cars, etc), so I just keep putting it off. It's so hard, so I keep avoiding it. I just want to push a button and make it go away. Instant divorce. I keep hoping if I hide from it long enough that maybe it will fix itself, and of course that's just not happening.

I don't know what the point of this post is....I'm just feeling kinda yucky now, and I don't really get my emotions. Why do I care?

CE Girl

I can relate TG

I call it self impossed hibernation

I myself can't seem to get off the couch,,,lol. I manage to pick myself up by the bootstraps and drag my butt to my meetings though. And thank goodness for SR as it provides a change in scenery from the living room. I have to go to my desk in the library to post on the forums!! he,he,he

For me, I think its overload. My mind, body and every thing else just shuts down. Like you, I just want it all to go away. Instant cure. I'm thinking thats what our A's want too.

Aren't you tired of feeling crappy?

Peace

I'm gonna go with what all the good people here on SR tell ME. Take care of yourself.

splendra

((((TG))))


I am wondering if you may be feeling manipulated by his going into rehab...I get really confused when someone is manipulating me.

You have good sense and I have every confidence that you can work out your divorce in a fair way. Divorce hurts even when it is for very good reason.

LaTeeDa

Aw, TG. I can relate to the procrastination on the divorce stuff. I have been doing the same thing. It's hard to sit down and 'divide' a marriage up on paper. But I am determined to at least get started on it this weekend. I have been distracting myself meeting new people and doing fun things. Not a bad thing to do, but I must still deal with reality.

As far as the emotions you are feeling about him going to rehab. Maybe it's best not to try and figure them out just yet. One of the hardest things for me to grasp is the concept of just feeling the feelings. I have lived my life distracting myself from any uncomfortable feelings I have. It's extremely difficult to break that habit and just 'sit' with my emotions. I have had to do it a couple of times recently and I can tell you, as difficult as it was, I survived. And hopefully, I won't have to deal with those same feelings later on because I allowed myself to feel them instead of stuffing them.

Don't forget to take care of yourself, okay?

L

chero

(((((TG))))))


Just think how far you've come!!
Sending hugs and prayers your way!

elizabeth1979

Me too.
I was the queen of open-ended projects, starting something never finishing, and making no decision at all because I didnt know which decision to make.
Ive since realized alot of these things were reactions to a feeling I had and didnt know what to do with it, so Id forget about it and distract myself with a project that I never finished.

I too agree with Splendra, when Im confused at what to think/feel about anothers actions, I am pretty generally being manipulated. I went back and was thinking about the times over the last year that I felt confused by my ex's actions/words. Looking back now, they were probably 75% manipulation.

It sounds a little like you are irritated with your own negativity or lack of empathy for him. You dont have to be optimistic about everything all the time

Loreena

Wow Texasgirl, you sound depressed, overwhelmed and throw a little guilt in there and worry and frustration etc. I can identify BIG time. All of the mess created by an alcoholic can follow for years. I know it did for me and still is (financial part) but you know it is getting better, at least you know you don't want to be with this person anymore, a little bit of you feels sorry for him but go with your GUT. I am one that took mine back after jail, bankruptcy, loss of house, family, license, I'm nuts, you seem very healthy indeed with your thoughts. You are also doing the very most important thing and that is reaching out to others that know what you are feeling. our situations are all basically the same, you are right to be pessemistic about his program/detox - mine has seen over 15 of them...what a hoot, but then there is ME and I only needed 1 and have been sober for 20 years now. So there is hope, there is always hope.

Take baby steps, one thing at a time, one day at a time when you feel up to it, this stuff didn't happen overnight and it will take a while but things always have a way of working out for the best, the most important thing is to take care of yourself, pray if you do, ask for help, support and guidance. Even when you don't really love someone anymore divorce is always painful, it's a final thing, the end, even if things were bad it is still an end.

I can also identify with the financial stuff. I was out of owrk very sick when My AH decided to go to jail for a while for DUI, gee, I am amazed I kept my credit, paid bills, ate and got myself out of it. Good luck to you, let yourself feel those emotions and tomorrow will be a better day. Thanks again for sharing, it helps others!!

BTW, my AH is still playing around with booze here and there, go figure, what a terrible disease this is.

I'm in the right place here in this forum.

the best

sprylynx

I completely understand how you feel about dividing up the marital assets, after 17 years of marriage it can be quite daunting even though we had no debt and a nice asset portfolio, based entirely on MY financial prowess.

Being in the law for so long, which included handling family law cases, it was easy for me to divide the assets and draw up our Marital Separation Agreement (due to time constraints) that will be merged into a legal divorce sometime in the near future. I suggest meeting with a CPA and/or a family law attorney who can assist you with this, but also devise a long-term financial plan that will assist you in building up a nest egg for a healthy and happy retirement --- A very good reason to care ;o)

Sunflower

it is only human you feel sadness when your life is changing and dreams and hopes are crushed. As far as the bills etc...you are on overlaod--you get to a point where you just can't handle anything else.

Be happy he is going into rehab. Maybe it will work for him-maybe not. Your insurance covering his stay gives you the opportunity to end this relationship on a positive spin.

Sometimes people are hurting so badly from what they have been through with the A they grow hearts of stone and everything becomes negative.If you put that out there thats what you get in return.At one point you did love this person--that may be over--but it all doesn't have to be mean-or a mantra of'take care of you' 'enabeling' we seem to fling these words out to much sometimes.
Everyones veiws are so different-as are there ways of handeling life.
As rotten as they may have been to you they are sick--they are still human--and I see nothing wrong with wanting them to go into recovery.Even if the relationship is over.

Yes it is time to get on with your life.who knows what lay ahead in the future
HP only knows that answer...God Bless You and I hope you will be feeling better soon....

TexasGirl

I'm so glad that you all were able to take my jumbled up, I don't know what I'm even posting for post and understand where I'm coming from. The fact that someone gets that I don't understand what's happening in my head helps me know that at least some have been there before!

I think that after a little thought, it comes down to this -- I just have such mixed feelings for him in general. On one hand, he was a man that I shared a portion of my life with. He was my husband, I loved him, and I liked marriage. On the other hand, he is a man that I just almost hate. I don't, but I almost do. I was not able to "separate the man from the disease." He made me cry and hurt far too often. I don't know why he had to be mean to me and in the same breath beg for forgiveness and want to be with me forever.

I guess this experience of rehab and the pending divorce are just more experiences of the mixed emotions that were our life when we were married. I guess I thought I was done with those when we moved out. I hope they go away someday.

Spiritual Seeker

Sometimes all we can do is sit with our pain and confusion. Often when I free my mind of fear, doubt and worry, great ideas emerge. Sadness is the only thing that had the power to get me to change my life in ways I never could have imagined. I no longer fear sadness because I know i can choose to make the changes it drives me to. best of luck with the changes.

leenymclaugh

[I've read so many stories here about rehab failure that I just think it's all stupid. I know it works sometimes...but I am just so damn pessimistic!]

I have to look at it this way: if they fall 7 times and pick themselves back up 8 times, we're headed in the right direction. For today, I am choosing to be with my AH -- granted he's sober -- for now -- and I don't know for how long he'll stay sober because he's relapsed many times -- but with the help of Al-Anon meetings I have the tools to not let it affect my sanity like I used to.

When I first joined and would hear in meetings "how important is it"..I would fume inside (I was like it's mighty frickin important that he's drinking himself to death and he's not being a father and he's not doing a, b, c and d) but then after I started faking it till I made it and I did--I realized that I can't let it be important to me that he's not doing what I WANT him to do or act like I WANT him to -- because I can't control him -- I am powerless! And I had and still have 2 choices -- accept it or don't accept it. Only I can make that decision -- and like I said -- for today I accept him for who he is -- the kind, caring, gentle, loving man that he is.

Thanks for letting me share.
Hugs,
Eileen

denny57

I don't know TG, wasn't he telling you about his great new girlfriend not too long ago? I don't expect emotional maturity from someone with chemicals flowing through their veins. From my own journey, there are plenty of emotions still to sort out, none of which mean I'm conflicted about the path out of madness that I chose. I used to believe that: I feel this so it must mean this. In other words, if my emotions are conflicted or confused, that must mean I still love him, etc. That's my equivalent of stinkin thinkin. It's what I was fed and I believed it for a long time. It just isn't true. For me LOL.

((()))

minnie

Blimey, TG! Are you me? If it's any consolation ( though I doubt it!), I still have many times when I feel similar to you.

I had to realise that I couldn't make all the changes I needed at once. Some needed waaaaay more time that others. I have stayed "connected" to my ex through financial matters when I could have walked away and I have had to question my reasoning throughout. In the end, I just realised that I just needed time.

As for rehab? Pthhhht. If I had a dime that a drinker did something dramatic when push came to shove on important negotiations.........

Jazzman

That's sad, isn't it?

I doubt you could just turn off the memories and emotions like a switch. If you could, I would think that would be sad too.

minnie

You think the rehab has anyting to do with the fact that it's on your insurance?

Jazzman

oh.... good point. If he's covered under your insurance... YOU will get the bill for any uncovered medical expenses.

TexasGirl

I think he would get the bill for the part that's not covered (since it comes from the provider and not the insurance), but I could be wrong. Either way, I am pretty certain his mom is fronting the uncovered part (15%).

Oh, and for the record, he's going there "for a reason." He was called into court for probation violation (because he hadn't had his breathalyzer in for the monthly inspections because of the $50 to do so -- yes, I said $50 -- and that was a term of his probation), and crying before the judge who wanted to send him to jail, he threw out "rehab" as an option, and she said okay. Maybe that's where my pessimism stems from! Guess I should have thought to mention that up front!

Thanks you guys. I think that you're right....of course something like this leaves me confused. That's probably normal. Wow, I love normal, ha ha.

Love this. So often I just get what you mean, and this is another example.
One thing I am not conflicted about was moving out. Never will be.

lilac

No real words of wisdom......just sending you prayers, love, and ((Hugs))

Sunflower

I am always amazed when I read posts from some who say AA is the only answer(or alanon)''work the program''
then out of the other side of their mouth--they don't believe recovery is possible?
Doesn't seem to make sense--does it or doesn't it work--don't any of you know anyone who has recovered?