Rella927

This is just like Tazman’s post-It maybe a stupid question but maybe not too-here are two post’s from Taz’s and try to answer the questions below. I know it is a disease and I know a lot of A’s out there in some post’s have stated that we do not know a lot about it unless we were in your shoes-well help us…

Just like Taz said “Try and take a step back from the hell we have/are put/putting you all through just long enough to help me try and grasp a normal person and drinking.”

So now take a step back from the hell we put you through with our behavior-nagging etc…just long enough to help us understand/grasp the mind of an A's from your own view (not ours)

“Seeing and knowing how many lives are ruined by addiction—
why would anyone NEED to drink--and WHY would you want to taste the poison that kills so many?
Why monitarily support alcohol in anyway shape or form?
I never touch it...even at a wedding for a toast==I would put it to my lips and ''see'' all of you and your loved ones as well as my own....” –SunFlower-

“what an interesting question, especially so it seems to me because i feel like alanoners (i am generalizing,and identifying myself as an alanoner) are always asking why does AH do this, that, what were they thinking, how can we understand them better-- and AHs never seem interested in our thinking. i know i am generalizing, but my husband can talk and talk about AH but would never ask me anything like this.”-Lillian-

WHAT MADE YOU PUT THE DRINK TO YOUR MOUTH?

DID YOU KNOW/FEEL AT ANYTIME IT MAYBE DESTROYING YOUR LIFE?

HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU WERE DRINKING?

HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW?

fluffyflea

Alcoholism,,,,,,,,HOLISM it means it is a whole disease, of the physical,spiritual and emotional.

I drank to run away from life,emotions,responsibilities you name it. The fact that it was hurting other people never came into my mind, I was too selfish and self-centered, self serving. I didn't care for anyone but myself and my drugs and alcohol.

No matter how much pepole talked to me about my drinking I didn't stop until I hit my bottom and got help. In fact the more people talked to me the more I drank. I chose to pick up a drink everyday for 20 years of my life to deal with life until I chose to put down the drink and find another way to deal with life. But my life had to become unmanageable first.

Earthworm

WantsOut

I think my exAH, who has grown a lot, would say he drank to avoid living life on life's terms. He wanted life on his terms. I enabled that.

Tazman53

WHAT MADE YOU PUT THE DRINK TO YOUR MOUTH?

I assume you are talking about once full blown alcoholism kicked in, in my case a couple of reasons:

1. Chasing the magic
2. Mental obsession
3. Physical craving
4. Need to keep the shakes and what followed away.

DID YOU KNOW/FEEL AT ANYTIME IT MAYBE DESTROYING YOUR LIFE?

During the last year, but I was way beyond the invisible line

HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU WERE DRINKING?

Until my tolerance went haywire usually normal, that may sound odd, but if I was not drinking I was miserable and if I went to long the shakes started, so as long as I kept the BAC up I felt normal, no buzz or high usually, there were a lot of times I would get lit, but for the last 5 years or maybe more I had to drink to feel normal.

HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW?

Happy, joyous, and free!!! As odd as this may sound, in sobriety thanks to the 12 steps of AA I have found the feeling that alcohol gave me in the beginning of my drinking days to be what I have today.

Of course after living in hell for a while I don't think this feeling is that hard to achieve for me.

hopeangel

i think a whole line of discussion has started here i have questions too-lol
maybe post on alcoholism board too for even more input.

hopeangel

what did it take for you to actually hit your bottom?

is it true that unless an alcoholic goes to treatment for himself ONLY they will not benifit from it? as in, verses if they go because a loved one wants them to go.

Rella927

I will do that with your questions as well!

stone

What made me keep put the drink to my mouth? Maybe cos I feel so bad I want to die. The booze just about stops that feeling.

Yes I know it is destroying me-good.

I dont enjoy it now.

How do I feel. Pretty crap actually.

queenteree

DID YOU KNOW/FEEL AT ANYTIME IT MAYBE DESTROYING YOUR LIFE?

During the last year, but I was way beyond the invisible line

Taz, I don't understand what you meant by that. Can you please explain. Thanks.
Queenteree

Rella927

See IMHO I think this helps some us newbie codies-this brought tears to my eyes Stone! Thank you for sharing with us!

And Taz yes I too a bit confused on that invisible line thing?

stone

Hi Rella, I was just completely honest, I hope it helps.

Rella927

Stone I feel in as long as we are all in recovery we all help each other on some level! Thank you!

Zoey

Stone, do you still feel crappy yet in sobriety. How long have you been sober, worked all the steps?

I have grief which doesn't let me be totally happy.

Tazman53

Well when an alcoholic first starts drinking with rare exception they can quit any time they want with very little effort, in my early 20's I was drinking between 6-7 case of beer a week, in my mid 20's I joined a church and just stopped drinking cold turkey with no problem.

I had not crossed the line.

I drifted away from the church and started drinking again after 1 1/2 years dry. Well I picked up right where I left off drinking, I didn't drink every day, but when I drank I drank! Over the years I drank more and more and more often. Then I started to drink every day, with very few problems.

Well then problems started, mainly my wife griping at me about my drinking so at first I figured "Well I will cut back, that will make her happy." & it did for a while, but then I would slowly start drinking more and more every day until I was once again drinking more then I was when I cut back!!

Needless to say she of course got mad so I figured well I can't cut back, what the heck I will quit again, no big deal! Well it was not easy but I would not drink for a week or so and think "Oh yea I got it under control now, I deserve a 6 pack!" Well of course in no time I was right back to drinking every day. It was a vicous cycle that led to me having no choice but to have to drink every day just to feel normal.

Some where in between that time I quit for 1 1/2 years I crossed a line where I could not stop myself from drinking all by myself!

I had crossed that invisible line!

There is not an alcoholic I know of that has known when they crossed that invisible line into full blown alcoholism where you can not stop drinking on your own, all we now is there was a time we could stop and now we can not.

Tess37

For me, there are so many different answers to those 4 questions. At which stage of alcoholism do you want the answers for? The reasons that I began drinking were definitely not the same reasons I had in the end, neither were the feelings... so... I'm going to answer from the beginning of my drinking, and then answer again from rock bottom.

1. peer pressure, I wanted to be like the "popular" people in my high school (I'm 38 now, so I've had quite a career of it).

2. I never thought it could ruin my life, I was too busy having a good time and thinking I had control over it.

3. I felt invincible. The life of the party. I felt like I was the wittiest, prettiest, most intelligent person in the room.

4. blessed

and at the end stages...

1. I couldn't cope, I had to avoid, I had to stop shaking, I had to feel normal, I had to hide.

2. I knew it was destroying me, and my family, but as taz explained... that line got crossed somewhere and I was no longer capable, no matter how much I promised myself, or my loved ones... My alcohol was always, ALWAYS more important.

3. I felt normal, until I had that one too many (actually 10 or 12 too many) that sent me into a black out, from what I understand I was quite vicious, and that was almost on a nightly basis. Why my husband stayed I dont know, but he did. So for a few minutes I felt normal...happy I suppose, but it never would last, no matter how hard I chased it.

4. As I said before. blessed.

Sunflower

how many sites is this posted on???getting lost--I thought this forum was for F/F of A?

Girlfriend

So, maybe, Rella, you're just trying to understand, from an A or RA, why they do what they do in order to "walk in their shoes". I appreciate that.

I'm an RA of 13 years. So I'll answer the questions as best as I can:

1)WHAT MADE YOU PUT THE DRINK TO YOUR MOUTH?

I was in a physically/mentally abusive marraige from age 16-24. I had two beautiful children with him and became SO isolated from everyone because he totally controlled my life.

I had to literally escape with my two kids (at the time, ages 5 and 3) and we had no where to go living so far away from home. I was scared of everything. I had zip self-esteem left, it was beaten out of me.

So, I drank to keep going. I had to provide for my two little ones and keep going for them. Drinking took away the fear (temporarily)

2)DID YOU KNOW/FEEL AT ANYTIME IT MAYBE DESTROYING YOUR LIFE?

Not until later. After I had moved back to my home state and was making a living. Then, yes, I did know it was deeply affecting me.

3)HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU WERE DRINKING?

When I had my "buzz" on every day....I felt like I could conquer anything. False courage.

4)HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW?

I feel VERY grateful that God allowed me to see, through a videotape of myself at my daughter's 13th bday party----had never seen me buzzed before---that I was a complete fool. Embarrassing myself and my kids.

Today, I have an awesome relationship with my grown children, I've forgiven myself which was the hardest part for me and I got the "monkey" off of my back by going to therapy and releasing the pain that started me drinking in the first place. It took awhile, but I LOVE not waking up to hangover and remembering what I did the night before. I have most of my self-esteem back and I'm proud of what I was able to do with my faith.

Being an active drinker is pure hell. Yeah, for a few hours, while drunk, you don't feel the pain. BUT, as a result of drinking, I made some awful choices that just compounded to my initial problem. So, my problems grew like a bad infection. And, thus.....I dug myself deep into a black hole. Only way was to come back up or stay there and die.

I hope this all helps you, Rella

((hugs))

IO Storm

Because for me the "invisible" line was my first drink at the age of twelve.

My sister poured it for me and made me promise not "to tell Mother"..

She was quite a bit tipsy at the time..and suffering DV from her AH ina horrible way...

A burning began in my tummy and a warm glow spread through my whole being..

I recall saying "Can I have another?" And she said "No".

I didn't start up again until I was 34..and wound up in the first rehab a year and a half later dazed and confused.

I was born alcoholic..and will be alcoholic..I tested this 6 times and was near death 3 or 4 times...

I have almost a year clean and sober....

Now....

It DOES NOT MATTER AT ALL..what my experience is..

What matters is what YOU do for your own recovery, for your peace of mind and protection.

The active alkie is like a tornado..never knows where it will
go...

Get your own Program..Al Anon ..I'm a member too...
is not about Why?What? about the alkie..

It is for YOU.

And if your Al Anon group is crying over or focusing on the alkies..find another group that is helpful.

Thanks for letting me share here..

Love,



IO

TexasGirl

Taz, the thing that stands out to me is the part that you were able to drink in your 20s and just kind of quit at some point. Looking back, even though you were able to stop, was your drinking different from other supposed "social" drinkers at the time? I mean, 6 - 7 cases a week seems like a lot, but I'm more curious about your actions.

Thanks.

Sunflower

yes many people in their 20s drink alot--were you skid row lost everything alcoholic?or just someone who was drinking and stopped?