Unexpected memories.
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Unexpected memories.
Every now and then, a memory will creep into my head that I've completely forgotten about. It always amazes me when this happens. It feels almost like being catapulted back in time as the memory is still so very vivid. And yet - how could I forget something like that when it is so vivid when it comes to mind?
I have a friend that occassionally will show me little self-defense movements. Nothing major and nothing that is a planned lesson. Usually they just come in conversation or are spurred by life events. Today that happened again.
When he went to show me how to get out of a certain position/situation - I had a very vivid memory of something that my XAH used to do to me. I suddenly just went out of my present time and was back in the past - that's how real these memories are.
XAH used to squeeze my hand from a sideways angle. Hard to explain on here, but it hurt very badly and it basically rendered me completely useless. Oddly enough, I don't recall him ever doing this when we were arguing or anything. He'd just do it for no reason. And the thing is, he knew that it hurt me - and yet he'd do it anyways. I guess he thought it was funny or maybe he sadistically liked that he was causing me pain(?) or maybe it was a power play for him.....Hmm....I really have no idea why he'd do it. And weird because I don't remember ever actually wondering why he did that to me in the past - and yet today, my mind was flooded with that question of "why" as I just can't figure it out.
Not to worry. I am not going to drive myself insane thinking about it or trying to figure it out. But I realized today that it was another form of abuse. Something that he knew that was uncomfortable and painful and yet he did it anyways. It doesn't matter the reasons - he shouldn't have done it!!!!
Anyways, my friend asked me what I was thinking and I told him. I tried to show him what XAH had done to my hands time and time again and I could see the anger in his face. It didn't make me angry - it just saddened me. I felt like I was back in that time again, remembering how I'd physically hurt - but also remember the mental pain I'd feel that he'd do that to me. I just find it so odd how I can forget things or not think of them and then out of the blue, an unexpected memory will come crashing into my mind and catapult me back in time. It reminds me somewhat of PTSD as in that moment, I remember and feel just like I used too back in the past.
Anyways.......the feelings I felt inside when I had that flashback/memory was awful and I felt the need to come share it with you as it really bothered me.
I have a friend that occassionally will show me little self-defense movements. Nothing major and nothing that is a planned lesson. Usually they just come in conversation or are spurred by life events. Today that happened again.
When he went to show me how to get out of a certain position/situation - I had a very vivid memory of something that my XAH used to do to me. I suddenly just went out of my present time and was back in the past - that's how real these memories are.
XAH used to squeeze my hand from a sideways angle. Hard to explain on here, but it hurt very badly and it basically rendered me completely useless. Oddly enough, I don't recall him ever doing this when we were arguing or anything. He'd just do it for no reason. And the thing is, he knew that it hurt me - and yet he'd do it anyways. I guess he thought it was funny or maybe he sadistically liked that he was causing me pain(?) or maybe it was a power play for him.....Hmm....I really have no idea why he'd do it. And weird because I don't remember ever actually wondering why he did that to me in the past - and yet today, my mind was flooded with that question of "why" as I just can't figure it out.
Not to worry. I am not going to drive myself insane thinking about it or trying to figure it out. But I realized today that it was another form of abuse. Something that he knew that was uncomfortable and painful and yet he did it anyways. It doesn't matter the reasons - he shouldn't have done it!!!!
Anyways, my friend asked me what I was thinking and I told him. I tried to show him what XAH had done to my hands time and time again and I could see the anger in his face. It didn't make me angry - it just saddened me. I felt like I was back in that time again, remembering how I'd physically hurt - but also remember the mental pain I'd feel that he'd do that to me. I just find it so odd how I can forget things or not think of them and then out of the blue, an unexpected memory will come crashing into my mind and catapult me back in time. It reminds me somewhat of PTSD as in that moment, I remember and feel just like I used too back in the past.
Anyways.......the feelings I felt inside when I had that flashback/memory was awful and I felt the need to come share it with you as it really bothered me.
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I have had many unpleasant situations that would flash back into my mind when something would trigger a memory - I did again the other day when reading a post about another situation on this forum ... and I do think many of us suffer to a certain extent from PTSD considering so many of the nightmares we have had to live through. My worst experience was when my husband threatened to use a gun if I left with the kids and then he went out to our office and had an episode where he was yelling and banging his head against a wall for over an hour. The people at the office kept calling me and asking me to do something as they were frightened .. when I was terrified already and packing a bag to leave the house. Eventually the police were called and they sent out 5 police cars to the office .. and they told me I needed to be there. My husband had snapped out of it by then, but had no memory of his meltdown. I had to leave this situation to go to the elementary school to pick up my kids and act like nothing was wrong while making small talk with other mothers. For several years after that happened, every time something would trigger a memory of that incident, it was so powerful it would practically bring me to my knees and my hands would start to shake.
As we read the stories here of what so many are going through with the alcoholics in their lives ..and the nightmares they are living with, I can't help but feel we are the walking wounded with deep scars that may never heal. Society spends so much time focusing on the alcoholic .. when it seems the real victims are those suffering collateral damage from the insanity of this disease,
As we read the stories here of what so many are going through with the alcoholics in their lives ..and the nightmares they are living with, I can't help but feel we are the walking wounded with deep scars that may never heal. Society spends so much time focusing on the alcoholic .. when it seems the real victims are those suffering collateral damage from the insanity of this disease,
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(((())))
What I find odd is that I can remember a lot of the scenarios and situations, but I barely remember the fear, anger, hurt, etc. I know it must have been awful to want to end a marriage!
SS, mine would torment me too. He would hold me down against my will until I was screaming in rage or crying my eyes out, and then he would laugh afterward and think it was sooooo funny. He would say he was just playing, why did I have to get so upset?
What I find odd is that I can remember a lot of the scenarios and situations, but I barely remember the fear, anger, hurt, etc. I know it must have been awful to want to end a marriage!
SS, mine would torment me too. He would hold me down against my will until I was screaming in rage or crying my eyes out, and then he would laugh afterward and think it was sooooo funny. He would say he was just playing, why did I have to get so upset?
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I'm beginning to think the more I know, the less I understand, so keeping that in mind...
I think that sometimes we 'store' feelings and memories away because when these incidents occur, we might not have the tools to deal with them at the time. They're 'filed away' for future reference for when we are stronger and more secure.
Later, hopefully once we are far enough removed from the situation, and we are safe, we apply the tools that we have accumulated along the way, and therefore have the 'courage' to finally deal with those memories and feelings of the past when triggered by something in the present. Hopefully those scars will heal, but it does take time.
Just reading all your comments here brought up the memory of my ex punching me in the stomach, and as I was crouched over in pain, he kicked me in the back until I was flat on the floor. The wind was knocked out of me and I couldn't breathe. He too stood over me not only laughing at me, but imitating the gasping for breath sounds I was making. I hadn't thought for a long time now.
I don't know what I'm going to do with that memory now that it's back. The only thing I can thing of at the moment is that it's further clarification that I made the right decision to leave.
I think that sometimes we 'store' feelings and memories away because when these incidents occur, we might not have the tools to deal with them at the time. They're 'filed away' for future reference for when we are stronger and more secure.
Later, hopefully once we are far enough removed from the situation, and we are safe, we apply the tools that we have accumulated along the way, and therefore have the 'courage' to finally deal with those memories and feelings of the past when triggered by something in the present. Hopefully those scars will heal, but it does take time.
Just reading all your comments here brought up the memory of my ex punching me in the stomach, and as I was crouched over in pain, he kicked me in the back until I was flat on the floor. The wind was knocked out of me and I couldn't breathe. He too stood over me not only laughing at me, but imitating the gasping for breath sounds I was making. I hadn't thought for a long time now.
I don't know what I'm going to do with that memory now that it's back. The only thing I can thing of at the moment is that it's further clarification that I made the right decision to leave.
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I understand what you are all saying...in fact, I've been awake since 5a because of a nightmare that seemed so real (not one of these kinds of memories but one of the "emotional games"). I put up with alot of things that made (passed tem off as "not that bad" or excused them as just a fluke,etc. Now that I am not living with him and am not on "high alert" for the multiple daily dramas (Ohh...I still get them,just not as much and I can detatch from them easier) memories like these are coming back. What to "do" with them,indeed.....
I was watching Dr. Phil yesterday and also the talk this week over the Alec Baldwin tape......sadly, I did not react to them as many did. It sounded too familiar. Not all the time,but reminded me of xAH to OUR son and me,especially right before I told him that he'd need to quit drinking and get treatment to continue living with us. (he moved out and divorced me).
I guess I am still just beginning to come out of my denial of many things.
FWIW; do you think this is the case for the active alcoholic,too when he doesn't seem to think he is "that bad"? If we were "victims" of this behavior and can't recall it,is it true that they really do not remember lots,too. I had a hard time when he'd say that about some of the worse stuff, but them I did learn about blackouts and notice he had/has them many times....about just ordinary stuff W/out drinking.... More of the difficulty in the whole situation. My AH thought I was trying to hurt his feelings by saying he would ever say or do some of the things he did. (I can understand why....it was very different that the behavior he had shown consistantly for over 20yrs).
I was watching Dr. Phil yesterday and also the talk this week over the Alec Baldwin tape......sadly, I did not react to them as many did. It sounded too familiar. Not all the time,but reminded me of xAH to OUR son and me,especially right before I told him that he'd need to quit drinking and get treatment to continue living with us. (he moved out and divorced me).
I guess I am still just beginning to come out of my denial of many things.
FWIW; do you think this is the case for the active alcoholic,too when he doesn't seem to think he is "that bad"? If we were "victims" of this behavior and can't recall it,is it true that they really do not remember lots,too. I had a hard time when he'd say that about some of the worse stuff, but them I did learn about blackouts and notice he had/has them many times....about just ordinary stuff W/out drinking.... More of the difficulty in the whole situation. My AH thought I was trying to hurt his feelings by saying he would ever say or do some of the things he did. (I can understand why....it was very different that the behavior he had shown consistantly for over 20yrs).
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"Just reading all your comments here brought up the memory of my ex punching me in the stomach, and as I was crouched over in pain, he kicked me in the back until I was flat on the floor. The wind was knocked out of me and I couldn't breathe. He too stood over me not only laughing at me, but imitating the gasping for breath sounds I was making. I hadn't thought for a long time now.
I don't know what I'm going to do with that memory now that it's back. The only thing I can thing of at the moment is that it's further clarification that I made the right decision to leave."
ICU just brought tears to my eyes as many of these posts today-(((hugs)))
Standing-((((hugs)))) this must be what they call a part of the growing pains? I only in the begining of my reovery for ummm the second time but I know the intense feeling and all I can say is (((BIG HUGS))) those times are etched for awhile until as ICU said "hopefully the scars will heal but, it does take time"
Maybe we cannot figure it out why they did what they did because there is no real justification? We did not know any better as children as it was the way of our life and maybe now it is just as growing up the A's way of life but we do not have to make it ours anymore? Not sure on this one myself-
Mine seemed to laugh alot at times too when he was hurting the dogs or standing blocking me in the corner of a room, driving 100 miles per hour then stopping short and I hit the dash board or the best...draggin me down the stairs backwards (2 disc herniations) and would laugh, get angry then cry because he realized what he did-amazing enough, he was on his way with acceptance but just could not follow through with really finding the answers he needed for him self and his disease.
I don't know what I'm going to do with that memory now that it's back. The only thing I can thing of at the moment is that it's further clarification that I made the right decision to leave."
ICU just brought tears to my eyes as many of these posts today-(((hugs)))
Standing-((((hugs)))) this must be what they call a part of the growing pains? I only in the begining of my reovery for ummm the second time but I know the intense feeling and all I can say is (((BIG HUGS))) those times are etched for awhile until as ICU said "hopefully the scars will heal but, it does take time"
Maybe we cannot figure it out why they did what they did because there is no real justification? We did not know any better as children as it was the way of our life and maybe now it is just as growing up the A's way of life but we do not have to make it ours anymore? Not sure on this one myself-
Mine seemed to laugh alot at times too when he was hurting the dogs or standing blocking me in the corner of a room, driving 100 miles per hour then stopping short and I hit the dash board or the best...draggin me down the stairs backwards (2 disc herniations) and would laugh, get angry then cry because he realized what he did-amazing enough, he was on his way with acceptance but just could not follow through with really finding the answers he needed for him self and his disease.
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Post Traumatic Stress ,,sounds like it....I suffer from this and it is very real!!!and very frightening.....with time it gets better...but it has never gone away for me after many many years......have you talked with a professional about it?I still suffer from insomnia and horrible nightmares...and like the other here I can't watch anything violent without it being a trigger...especially a rape or abuse scene--my family watched my DVDs before I do to let me know if I will handle it or not,,,for instance I just bought--'the king of scotland" my AS watched it and told me'''nope forget it"" so I won't watch it....
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SS,
Thank you for sharing. Maybe this is the week for triggers. Just the other day I had a 'mini' trigger regarding a situation with my son. I left a thread about it in FFSA.
I had also been upset by something I had read here a few days earlier. It was not an intense post but for some reason brought me back to a time of pain.
I've noticed that alot of my traumas still can at times affect me but most times it gradually become less intense and less frequent that I will have some instant recall that brings on the feelings felt from the bad memory.
BTW...just reading about all that many of you have experienced makes me love and admire you all the more!
You are all survivors and your strength and ability to share your experiences here and help others is just amazing.
Thank you SS for an excellent thread!
Thank you for sharing. Maybe this is the week for triggers. Just the other day I had a 'mini' trigger regarding a situation with my son. I left a thread about it in FFSA.
I had also been upset by something I had read here a few days earlier. It was not an intense post but for some reason brought me back to a time of pain.
I've noticed that alot of my traumas still can at times affect me but most times it gradually become less intense and less frequent that I will have some instant recall that brings on the feelings felt from the bad memory.
BTW...just reading about all that many of you have experienced makes me love and admire you all the more!
You are all survivors and your strength and ability to share your experiences here and help others is just amazing.Thank you SS for an excellent thread!
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this is right where i am at right now
recently i was judged by something that someone else had done to a person and the next thing i know i am right back where i was years ago when my exbf that i loved dearly (still do) could not commit to me because he had been hurt by someone else and he had such complete fear of the strong feelings he had for me. it was like fighting a freaking ghost. the feelings of complete helplessness and loss of control, hurt, just the thought that no matter how hard i tried i couldn't compete with that.
fast forward 7 years and he is married with two kids (he got involved with her because he had no feelings for her and thought it was safe) emailing ME telling me how sorry he is, how many regrets he has, and how he still has feelings for me. sigh...
i had forgotten this and had no idea how this had affected me until now. i was completely caught off guard and just had no idea that this feeling could be so vivid, raw, and real in me still today. it has really surprized me and thrown me for a loop and now i have to figure out how to address it and how to deal with it. sigh...
fast forward 7 years and he is married with two kids (he got involved with her because he had no feelings for her and thought it was safe) emailing ME telling me how sorry he is, how many regrets he has, and how he still has feelings for me. sigh...
i had forgotten this and had no idea how this had affected me until now. i was completely caught off guard and just had no idea that this feeling could be so vivid, raw, and real in me still today. it has really surprized me and thrown me for a loop and now i have to figure out how to address it and how to deal with it. sigh...
Last edited by hopeangel; 05-04-2007 at 06:57 AM.
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Wonderful thread, thanx everybody for sharing.
Over here we call those old memories of abuse that come back out of nowhere a "flashback". As others have said, I feel those feelings when I have the emotional tools and physical safety with which to deal with them, and heal from them. I used to get them a lot when I first started in recovery. It's been years since the last one.
As to why the abuser does it? It's a test. Causing a small amount of pain is a test to see if you react with anger and defensiveness or if you go into "child survivial" mode and just shrink into submisiveness. If you shrink he will try something more painful and see how you react to that, and then keep increasing the level of pain until he determines that you are sufficiently submisive to meet his needs.
It's how pedophiles select their mates. They "test" women until they find one that will submit to such an extreme degree that he knows she will not defend her own children. It's how alkies / addicts select a partner. They "test" women until they find one who will pay the rent and tolerate their drinking.
There's another thread her about sociopaths that FD kindly bumped
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...next-door.html
Not all alkies / adicts are sociopaths, some are. Not all sociopaths are alkies, some are.
I don't know why sociopaths do what they do. What is important to me is that I know why _I_ do what I do. As a child I was brainwashed by the pedophiles and child abusers in my family into being a submisive, frightened victim. As I grew into adolescence that learned behavior "set me up" for all kinds of further abuse. When I started recovery as an adult I became aware that it was only _learned_ behavior, and that I can "un-learn" it.
Today I no longer have those old "fear reflexes". Today I can protect myself and those around me. The flashbacks are long gone and so are the nightmares, all thanks to the wonderful recovery programs and a few good shrinks.
Mike
Over here we call those old memories of abuse that come back out of nowhere a "flashback". As others have said, I feel those feelings when I have the emotional tools and physical safety with which to deal with them, and heal from them. I used to get them a lot when I first started in recovery. It's been years since the last one.
As to why the abuser does it? It's a test. Causing a small amount of pain is a test to see if you react with anger and defensiveness or if you go into "child survivial" mode and just shrink into submisiveness. If you shrink he will try something more painful and see how you react to that, and then keep increasing the level of pain until he determines that you are sufficiently submisive to meet his needs.
It's how pedophiles select their mates. They "test" women until they find one that will submit to such an extreme degree that he knows she will not defend her own children. It's how alkies / addicts select a partner. They "test" women until they find one who will pay the rent and tolerate their drinking.
There's another thread her about sociopaths that FD kindly bumped
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...next-door.html
Not all alkies / adicts are sociopaths, some are. Not all sociopaths are alkies, some are.
I don't know why sociopaths do what they do. What is important to me is that I know why _I_ do what I do. As a child I was brainwashed by the pedophiles and child abusers in my family into being a submisive, frightened victim. As I grew into adolescence that learned behavior "set me up" for all kinds of further abuse. When I started recovery as an adult I became aware that it was only _learned_ behavior, and that I can "un-learn" it.
Today I no longer have those old "fear reflexes". Today I can protect myself and those around me. The flashbacks are long gone and so are the nightmares, all thanks to the wonderful recovery programs and a few good shrinks.
Mike
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I have found that the memories that sting as much as the day they happened are the ones that I shoved back inside of me and refused to deal with. Mostly those are, of course, the most horrible ones. The ones that cause me to feel ashamed and weak.
For me, it's kind of like getting a really deep cut that gets infected and, instead of treating the infection, just getting stitches to close the wound so no one (even myself) can see it. Eventually the poison has to go somewhere....
Journaling and praying are my medicine. Just letting the feelings come and feeling them again, even though it hurts. I've had to do that quite a lot lately, and it is exhausting. But I don't see any other way to be done with those ghosts once and for all.
For me, it's kind of like getting a really deep cut that gets infected and, instead of treating the infection, just getting stitches to close the wound so no one (even myself) can see it. Eventually the poison has to go somewhere....
Journaling and praying are my medicine. Just letting the feelings come and feeling them again, even though it hurts. I've had to do that quite a lot lately, and it is exhausting. But I don't see any other way to be done with those ghosts once and for all.
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I do look back at my journaling from time to time, sunflower. Now I do it mostly to see how far God has brought me in the last 18 months, but before I filed for divorce I used to read them to remind myself of the reasons that I had to make changes.
Even when things were bad, it was so easy for me to forget so many things that I had been through with exAH. I guess I was just so accustomed to it, you know? It had become my 'normal'.
Only now have I started to see how utterly sick our relationship had become, and really to be so grateful to finally be getting out of it.
Even when things were bad, it was so easy for me to forget so many things that I had been through with exAH. I guess I was just so accustomed to it, you know? It had become my 'normal'.
Only now have I started to see how utterly sick our relationship had become, and really to be so grateful to finally be getting out of it.
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I found an old journal the other day, during the moving process. This journal was dated in the very beginning of our relationship, almost 15 years ago. I had convinced myself that he was so nice in the beginning. The journaling proved me wrong. Only a few weeks after he moved in with me, he held me down on the bed and choked me because I embarrassed him in front of my brother-in-law. All I did was ask him to tell his son to stop jumping up and down on the bed. Of course, I deserved to be choked for that. It's incredible how I had convinced myself to stay with him all of those years. It makes me sad that I wasted THAT MANY years of my life with someone who treated me like a dog. Then again....he abuses innocent dogs too, so what did I expect???
Sometimes when I start to feel lonely or I start missing him, my guardian Angel sends me an unexpected memory and I'm glad that I've left.
Thanks for this thread!
Grace
Sometimes when I start to feel lonely or I start missing him, my guardian Angel sends me an unexpected memory and I'm glad that I've left.
Thanks for this thread!
Grace
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