kglast

ok, i had a conversation with him this morning - it wasn't very long but i got to say everything i needed to say and he was receptive and reasonable. we ended the conversation when his ride came for work - he says he needs to get his head straight and agrees that most of the anger he is feeling is at himself and that i don't deserve to have it directed at me. we said we loved eachother and ended the call.

now i find myself wanting to call him and wanting to make plans to see him this weekend. why am i doing this to myself?? i am finding it very hard to reconcile the fact that he is just a big jerk and hopeless. is that me just being in denial?? how can everything we have shared mean nothing??? god, this is so freakin confusing!!!!

Tess L

I'm so sorry you are hurting. The frustrating thing about them is they can seem reasonable at times. It can fool us into questioning ourselves. Your a strong person. Do what you know is right for YOU.

kglast

thanks tess, yes ME....need to stop worrying about him and how he is feeling and how he is doing.....why is that so hard?????

MsGolightly

you're doing this because you're human! break ups, period, are hard. especially when it's not one you particularly "want" - especially not with someone you still care about, or someone you wish would recognize their potential and snap out of it. he's probably not a "big jerk" but he told you today that he needs to straigten himself out, so let him. trust me, a few days of really not talking to him will get you to clear your head of him and will get you to look at him in a whole new perspective down the road. i was amazed at how quickly my feelings turned around, just by resisting making the phone calls and not letting myself get suckered in anymore. now, we can talk, and i'm not constantly wondering when the next time we'll talk again is, or why i'm not "loved" anymore. i can recognize the problems my ex has with herself, and i can distance myself enough to realize that she needs to fix those problems before we can have any kind of friendship or relationship again... if she ever chooses to do so.

dollydo

Impulse control is what is needed here. We codies hear one little glimmer of hope and we want to jump back in feet first...bad move, always ends up in disaster...

Slow down, turn that phone off. You will live through the night.

Try and focus on you, your recovery from codependency.

FormerDoormat

I don't think the life the two of you have shared thus far means nothing. But one I'm certain of: absolutely nothing in your relationship will change until you both work on changing yourselves.

kglast

thank you FD, that is becoming more clear to me each day. i can see now how my behavior has fed into our cycle....and if i can change my part (because i do know i can't change his) maybe, just maybe, we can get headed in the right direction. he has to be willing to do his part too... thanks for all of the support here everyone -

newenglandgirl

There were lots of moments when I thought of going back to my AH...but the knowledge I had gained about how the disease is progressive, and the knowledge of how deeply addicted and sick he was, held me back. I just reached a point when I couldn't be around the alcoholic craziness anymore - it was making me sick, mentally and physically. My AH was unwilling to get help. I had to leave for good. It was impossible for me to stay once I realized how nuts he had become.

Part of the reason why I think it's so hard for us to stop worrying about them, is because they are more messed up than we are. I know, I know! We have our issues...codependency, etc. But that, compared with how my AH is doing (pretty scary bad), is pretty small in comparison. But, that being said, that doesn't mean I think it's healthy or wise to spend my life worrying. I can't control or cure him. So I've got to get busy living.

Listen KG, he may very well not be a big jerk, but he IS an alcoholic. If you decide to spend time with him, and/or get back together with him, then you will have to deal with all that comes along with that (whether he can stay sober or not).

Sunflower

Nothing to add---except always remember it is not your fault!