Sobriety stinks, too....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
You were codi long before you ever met him
it's a codi cycle...what are you going to do if there's no one to fix ?
Sobeity sucks of course...
nice real nice wanting him to relapsed..check your motive.
You are living your life, your cycle, your insanity.
He stated already..he dosn't want to figth anymore.
it is also known that a recoverying alki will leave a codi, if
a codi dosn't get well or work thier program.
It takes two to tango and some refuse to dance the codi/alki dance again.
The longer he stays sober and see things clearer...don't be suprised.
it won't be the first time an recovering alcoholic leaves a codependent
and it probably won't be the last.
it's a codi cycle...what are you going to do if there's no one to fix ?
Sobeity sucks of course...
nice real nice wanting him to relapsed..check your motive.
You are living your life, your cycle, your insanity.
He stated already..he dosn't want to figth anymore.
it is also known that a recoverying alki will leave a codi, if
a codi dosn't get well or work thier program.
It takes two to tango and some refuse to dance the codi/alki dance again.
The longer he stays sober and see things clearer...don't be suprised.
it won't be the first time an recovering alcoholic leaves a codependent
and it probably won't be the last.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
I was wondering the same...
If you hate him...drunk or sober..why stay?
It is his very physical life at stake...if his health is going due to the
damage of alcohol...
Rather than wanting him to go into that hell again..why not leave...
If I were treated that way...I would leave anyone who was
pushing me back to the bottle with both hands.
Sherry
If you hate him...drunk or sober..why stay?
It is his very physical life at stake...if his health is going due to the
damage of alcohol...
Rather than wanting him to go into that hell again..why not leave...
If I were treated that way...I would leave anyone who was
pushing me back to the bottle with both hands.
Sherry
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
chero, Have you done any research on the male brain, that is a help, they are
so different. I never read it but there is a book, He said, She Said
I suggested 2 books in PM to you, have you found them?,
If we leave one man and get another one, life will be difficult unless we learn to accept men. They are wonderful, but they are different from us.
I feel sorry for men sometimes, we try to make them into girl friends that discuss things for hours and hours. Men are problem solvers so if you get hurt by a girlfriend the male says drop them, problem solved.
Females need to discuss, and make all OK etc.
What we call a fight is extirely different than what they would consider a fight.
Yes, A's are con's,and munipulators etc. but men are men when they get sober.
I didn't care for "Men are from Mars", but probly because I had read better, and many thanks to denny for one telling me about one book.
Best bet , just love and accept our differences, work with it, around it, but enjoy. Let them be who they are and then they have time to wonder how they can improve.
I needed to rant on this. Take what you can use and leave the rest.
Caring hugs to you both PS Leave if ready and want out.
Go with your gut.
so different. I never read it but there is a book, He said, She Said
I suggested 2 books in PM to you, have you found them?,
If we leave one man and get another one, life will be difficult unless we learn to accept men. They are wonderful, but they are different from us.
I feel sorry for men sometimes, we try to make them into girl friends that discuss things for hours and hours. Men are problem solvers so if you get hurt by a girlfriend the male says drop them, problem solved.
Females need to discuss, and make all OK etc.
What we call a fight is extirely different than what they would consider a fight.
Yes, A's are con's,and munipulators etc. but men are men when they get sober.
I didn't care for "Men are from Mars", but probly because I had read better, and many thanks to denny for one telling me about one book.
Best bet , just love and accept our differences, work with it, around it, but enjoy. Let them be who they are and then they have time to wonder how they can improve.
I needed to rant on this. Take what you can use and leave the rest.
Caring hugs to you both PS Leave if ready and want out.
Go with your gut.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Chero I have changed a lot in recovery, in my case thank God my wife loves the man I have become even more then the man she first fell in love with 18 years ago when I was in the middle stages of my disease. My wifes first husband is an alcoholic, she put up with him for 11 years, but when his disease started to effect his then 4 year old daughter she gave him the boot, he finally recovered about 4 or 5 years ago. When she told me I was going to go in just a few weeks I knew she had done it to her first alcoholic and that she meant business with me as well.
My first sponsor in AA was divorced by his wife of 18 years 2 years after he sobered up, he had changed for the better, but the better him was not what she wanted/needed so they divorced.
A dry drunk (sober but not in recovery) is one miserable SOB!!!! I played that dry drunk game a few times years ago, I was miserable and made every one else around me the same way, I changed nothing and as a result I started drinking again. If he is a dry drunk then really nothing has changed except he is now a sober SOB and not a drunk one.
Or has some one else has mentioned if he is in recovery and becoming a better person, but one of 2 things is happening, your recovery is good and you simply do not like the new him, or your recovery is lacking and you need another drunk to try and save.
My first sponsor in AA was divorced by his wife of 18 years 2 years after he sobered up, he had changed for the better, but the better him was not what she wanted/needed so they divorced.
A dry drunk (sober but not in recovery) is one miserable SOB!!!! I played that dry drunk game a few times years ago, I was miserable and made every one else around me the same way, I changed nothing and as a result I started drinking again. If he is a dry drunk then really nothing has changed except he is now a sober SOB and not a drunk one.
Or has some one else has mentioned if he is in recovery and becoming a better person, but one of 2 things is happening, your recovery is good and you simply do not like the new him, or your recovery is lacking and you need another drunk to try and save.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
Give yourself a break Chero
No beating up on yourself either.
You're hurting, we all hurt.
I was so angery at my gf, I wouldn't stand to be around
her no matter what she did, at one piont.
Once that anger was over...the damn fears crip in.
So I get angery at her again to cover up the pain and
fears.
I needed to find a healthy way of releasing my
anger other than to destroy the relationship.
Have you tried attending meetings F2F ?
I heard they give out hugs for free..we need that.
It takes a recovery alki time to cope with just being
sober. I'm not sure how long your hubby been sober,
but 90 days is relativly overnight.
When i say my earily recovery..I'm saying my first
1-2 years of being clean and sober.
No beating up on yourself either.
You're hurting, we all hurt.
I was so angery at my gf, I wouldn't stand to be around
her no matter what she did, at one piont.
Once that anger was over...the damn fears crip in.
So I get angery at her again to cover up the pain and
fears.
I needed to find a healthy way of releasing my
anger other than to destroy the relationship.
Have you tried attending meetings F2F ?
I heard they give out hugs for free..we need that.
It takes a recovery alki time to cope with just being
sober. I'm not sure how long your hubby been sober,
but 90 days is relativly overnight.
When i say my earily recovery..I'm saying my first
1-2 years of being clean and sober.
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Thanks, Satit.
I started to go to f2f but I didn't make it out of the parking lot.
My hubby has been sober for...25 days today. So, it's early, I know.
Thanks....the next f2f meeting will be saturday...guess I should try it again...
I started to go to f2f but I didn't make it out of the parking lot.
My hubby has been sober for...25 days today. So, it's early, I know.
Thanks....the next f2f meeting will be saturday...guess I should try it again...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
When my husband finally achieved long term sobriety (2 years), he was going to AA. I remember how disappointing and difficult it was for many months after he became sober.... I thought it would be so much better. Part of the problem is that their body and minds are still struggling to adjusting to life without alcohol... I believe they say it takes about 6 months for the mind to recover. The alcoholic is still going through so many physical and psychological adjustments.
My Ahusband also struggled with dry drunk periods ..that is still thinking like an alcoholic, without the alcohol. At least when my husband was having problems ...and sometimes he don't notice how his behavior was still far from wonderful ... he would go to an AA meeting or talk to his sponsor and it seemed to help him improve his attitude and outlook on life.
I am sure my Ahusband never would have made it without outside help, but it was still difficult since AA does not put a high priority of making amends in the beginning - which we so desperately need. In the beginning the alcoholic is struggling physically and emotionally with no alcohol ... and we are understandably struggling with resentments over some pretty hideous past behaviors with endless lying and deceptions ...and knowing there is a very high percentage of relapse. This is not a great combination of factors. For my husband and I, things did not improve very much until his second year ... he seemed to regain some of his old stamina and focus ... and little by little, I began to reestablish my trust in him again. Sadly, his sobriety didn't last ... but I learned how hard it was to regain a normal life and achieve trust with an alcoholic ...it wasn't fast or easy.
My Ahusband also struggled with dry drunk periods ..that is still thinking like an alcoholic, without the alcohol. At least when my husband was having problems ...and sometimes he don't notice how his behavior was still far from wonderful ... he would go to an AA meeting or talk to his sponsor and it seemed to help him improve his attitude and outlook on life.
I am sure my Ahusband never would have made it without outside help, but it was still difficult since AA does not put a high priority of making amends in the beginning - which we so desperately need. In the beginning the alcoholic is struggling physically and emotionally with no alcohol ... and we are understandably struggling with resentments over some pretty hideous past behaviors with endless lying and deceptions ...and knowing there is a very high percentage of relapse. This is not a great combination of factors. For my husband and I, things did not improve very much until his second year ... he seemed to regain some of his old stamina and focus ... and little by little, I began to reestablish my trust in him again. Sadly, his sobriety didn't last ... but I learned how hard it was to regain a normal life and achieve trust with an alcoholic ...it wasn't fast or easy.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
Hi Chero. It's getting late here and i'm getting sleepy and my brain isn't working very well :] I hope you feel better soon, and here's one of my favorite pieces of reading that has many times prevented me from going crazy!
Living One Day At A Time In Al-Anon - p.242
How many of my frustrations and disappointments come from expecting too much! It is good to set our standards high, but only if we are prepared to accept, with unperturbed serenity, results that fall short of what we expect.
We expect more of the alcoholic than a sick, confused human can deliver. Once he is sober, we expect a complete transformation. Above all, we make too great demands on ourselves.
Today's Reminder
Let me learn to settle for less than I wish were possible, and be willing to accept it and appreciate it. I will not expect too much of anymore, not even of myself. Contentment comes from accepting gratefully the good that comes to us, and not from raging at life because it is not better. The wholesome attitude is by no means resignation, but a realistic acceptance.
"What you have may seem small; you desire so much more. See children thrusting their hands into a narrow-necked jar, striving to pull out the sweets. If they fill the hand, they cannot pull it out and then they fall to tears. When they let go a few, they can draw out rest. You, too, let your desire go; covet not too much..." (Epictetus)
Living One Day At A Time In Al-Anon - p.242
How many of my frustrations and disappointments come from expecting too much! It is good to set our standards high, but only if we are prepared to accept, with unperturbed serenity, results that fall short of what we expect.
We expect more of the alcoholic than a sick, confused human can deliver. Once he is sober, we expect a complete transformation. Above all, we make too great demands on ourselves.
Today's Reminder
Let me learn to settle for less than I wish were possible, and be willing to accept it and appreciate it. I will not expect too much of anymore, not even of myself. Contentment comes from accepting gratefully the good that comes to us, and not from raging at life because it is not better. The wholesome attitude is by no means resignation, but a realistic acceptance.
"What you have may seem small; you desire so much more. See children thrusting their hands into a narrow-necked jar, striving to pull out the sweets. If they fill the hand, they cannot pull it out and then they fall to tears. When they let go a few, they can draw out rest. You, too, let your desire go; covet not too much..." (Epictetus)
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Thanks everybody!
Guess I'll try something different. I realized last night time doesn't change things...we change things. And since I'm not happy in this moment I'm going to try and make some personal changes!
Wish me luck! Love you all!
Guess I'll try something different. I realized last night time doesn't change things...we change things. And since I'm not happy in this moment I'm going to try and make some personal changes!
Wish me luck! Love you all!
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Chero:
One key thing here is "no program".....I agree with Taz...
a drunk with no program can be a sober a--h---.
And you have no program either....must be pretty darn
miserable. Get as much support as you need here until
you can get to a meeting.
Although Beattie's Codependent No More is non Alanon
approved...I approve it. She really knows how to hit the
nail on the head!
But...from one who was and is on both sides of the fence...
Please try to leave him alone with his white knuckling....
Then he will not use you as an excuse for relapse...
I was hard on you earlier because the disease is deadly,
it is only BTGOG I am still here, sober and grateful.
Love,
Sherry
One key thing here is "no program".....I agree with Taz...
a drunk with no program can be a sober a--h---.
And you have no program either....must be pretty darn
miserable. Get as much support as you need here until
you can get to a meeting.
Although Beattie's Codependent No More is non Alanon
approved...I approve it. She really knows how to hit the
nail on the head!
But...from one who was and is on both sides of the fence...
Please try to leave him alone with his white knuckling....
Then he will not use you as an excuse for relapse...
I was hard on you earlier because the disease is deadly,
it is only BTGOG I am still here, sober and grateful.
Love,
Sherry
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
