Zoey

Of course it is to relax and releave stress, wonderful Rx. but some of us have an allergy, that is what sets up the craving.
See The Doctors Opinion in the AA big book,
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/

Much to learn about this disease, it is so horrible. The BB says "Cunning, Baffeling powerful !

denny57

Now I'm thinking about the term, too. Inside the marriage, I never thought of AH that way, but now I use it as an outside the situation term. I think as the person closest to him, I didn't feel he was functioning at all. But everyone around us did. To them, he had a great career, was funny, had it all together. They didn't see the 24/7 drinking like I did.

Interesting.

minnie

I think that's what I was driving at when I mentioned enabling earlier. My acceptance gave a veneer of respectability to R's drinking, not just to him, but to me and those around us. On the face of it, we had everything going for us. Scratching the surface told a whole other tale. Others saw us all enjoying nice wines, champagnes etc in the usual social situations. However, they didn't see the bottles of cheap cider hidden in the grass clippings and the watered down wine in the fridge.

I decided that I preferred to live in the truth rather than in the illusion. And that is my mantra now. It's not his, but then his life is not my life in the grand scheme of things.

(lola - just for the sake of clarity, I was not married to my ex, only engaged to be.)

HolyQow

In my life, functioning just means that nothing terrible has happened or he hasn't got caught yet. No DUIs, no job loss, no medical problems....he is still functioning as if he doesn't have a problem....and like lola said earlier, then it looks like the spouse is just an over-reacting panic stricken worry wart of a b'tch......because others don't have a clue what's going on at home. (well she said alarmist...same thing? lol)

It means that the bottom is no where in site, and they will just continue for many many years, because nothing bad enough has made them want to examine their behavior..

And I seriously doubt that leaving my AH would even phase him...that would still not be his bottom. I have no clue if he will ever reach it.

Pick-a-name

Seems to be the case with mine. HE moved out and found he could still keep up the facade (without a wife and kids around to know the truth and feeling the need to "hide" it from them) so he divorced me and tells himself our kids are old enough to just need financial support, a short phone call every week or two and a quick visit/dinner from time to time and he is "covered" and spared from being "found out" by others. He still has all the outward trappings of success....people think it is "midlife crisis" that he left his family and is out partying,etc. "Looking successful" is like a fulltime job to him and so far he is still able to pull it off....but I notice it is getting more difficult. He runs around with a harder-drinking group where his behavior stands out less (to them).

parentrecovers

lots of good things here, thanks! k

lola99

As minnie said earlier: "I prefer to live in the truth." For me, hitting 50 was a real awakening to my living own personal truth. Things that I tolerated just for the sake of getting along and being supportive I am no longer willing to do. I am not going to bury my head in the sand of denial and pretend that things will just "work themselves out." Time heals nothing -- it's what you do with the time that matters. This reorientation of mine is clashing with my husband's tendency to avoid anything painful or destructive, which then leads him to want to escape with women and alcohol. I can't sit on the sidelines and watch him self-destruct. I reminded him this morning about the progressive nature of the disease and that he's now been drinking for 30 years. It's time to get serious and address his issues before it's too late. The last couple of evenings, he's limited himself to a glass of wine with dinner followed by cranberry/pomegranite juice for the rest of the evening. I notice that he goes through periods where he'll decide that he'll limit his alcohol consumption to wine only and eliminate the hard liquor. But then we'll go to dinner and he'll end up ordering a long island iced tea. The next time he does this, I'm going to leave the table and catch a cab home. He knows how sensitive I am to his drinking, yet refuses to get serious about the problem. I'm trying to understand how difficult it is, but I still think that he's capable of choosing not to drink anymore. Is it what a smoker feels when they're craving a cigarette and feel like they'll lose their mind unless they have one?

denny57

As difficult as it was for me to believe he could not choose to drink anymore, that's how difficult it is for him, and more so, to stop. I had to see that I was expecting change from someone else, yet not myself. I had to accept my reality: I was living with an alcoholic who would not choose sobriety. The choices then became mine.

Seeking Wisdom

Believe me there is a big difference between a functional and non-functional alcoholic... I watched as my husband transformed from one to the other.

My husband was very functional most of his life, he was able to help support and care for his family, he was able to interact with other business people, friends and relatives like a somewhat normal person most of the time, at times he could be a big help assisting his kids with school projects and attend school events without drinking, he would help buy the Christmas gifts and run errands for me ... he did extensive yard work and home repairs, and he had never been arrested ... but that doesn't mean life wasn't tough living with him...
but it was nothing like what happened when he became an non-functional alcoholic. It gave a whole new meaning to the word nightmare. In a very short period of time, he couldn't work, so I had to take over his job responsibilities as well as my own, he was so out of it... he couldn't even answer simple questions about how to do his job, he couldn't stay sober around his kids, I would have to call and remind him to show up for his children's birthdays and doctors appointments - something he could easily take care of on his own before, he couldn't remember half what happened the day before and I had to constantly remind him of everything ... I had to drive the kids everywhere, had to do everything for them regarding school and things around the house. I had to drive my eldest son to college by myself and help him carry his boxes to his dorm room ... my husband was incapable of even tolerating the long car ride - a few years earlier, he would have helped pack, would have driven and help unload. He started getting picked up for public intoxication and then got his first DUI of which I had to bail him out and take him to court. He could not longer do any yard work or make home repairs... one more thing that fell to his kids and I to do.

I had felt my life was pretty miserable before he became non-functional... but there aren't words for devasting nightmare that happened when he became a helpless, frail, weak, confused, sickly person who couldn't stay sober even for a few hours ...and could handle only the most basic tasks needed to exist.

queenteree

After reading your post Seekingwisdom, I too feel my AH is now becoming a non-functional alcoholic in ways. He does drink at work (something he would never, ever do) and has for the past year. He drinks and drives, so like you, I can't trust him with the grandkids. He was always into yardwork (even while drinking his beers), now he much prefers sitting in the recliner drinking (even though it eventually gets done) and when asked to do something (even relatively easy things like change the battery in our grandkids play laptop) he says "I'll do it tomorrow" which he will do eventually with much reminding. He repeats himself God knows how many times and can't remember what was said yesterday or a half hour ago. He constantly is short of breath and complaining his hip hurts and that is his reason he can't do much too quickly. He used to love to bowl and play golf (rather good at it too) now those things are out also. He lost interest in them (and he's played golf and bowled for over 35 years!!!), he's just into "relaxing" (drinking in the recliner). It is progressive, he'll probably never get sober (or even want to), I just wonder how much further I have to go until something gives.

FormerDoormat

What SeekingWisdom described above is the same condition that Richard, my former alcoholic boyfriend of 22 years finds himself in today. For most of our relationship he functioned relatively well. But four years ago, his health, emotional, and mental conditions went downhill rapidly (seemingly overnight) as his alcohol consumption increased. I tried everything I could think of to make him understand he had a serious problem. For the last two years of our relationship I tried repeatedly to get him help, but he refused. Two years ago, I decided I could no longer watch him self-destruct and I asked him to leave. He made several serious attempts at sobriety, sometimes remaining sober for months at a time. But he always returned to the bottle, each time with a vengence. He now lives alone in a small apartment in the inner city that he hardly ever leaves due to lack of mobility. He can only take a few steps before he's completely out of breath and exhausted.

He calls me from time to time. Most times, I don't bother answering the phone because it upsets me to hear how weak he's grown and what a miserable existence he has. On occassion, I return his calls just to let him know that I do care about him and wish him the best.

I agree with what SeekingWisdom said. There aren't words to describe "the devasting nightmare that happened when he became a helpless, frail, weak, confused, sickly person who couldn't stay sober even for a few hours ...and could handle only the most basic tasks needed to exist."

Left untreated, this is a true portrait of alcoholism and Richard's reality today. I, however, have found a way to live my life free from the effects of alcoholism and today I am happy beyond measure. But I didn't find happiness until I eliminated the alcoholic from my life.

I hope you find your own path to happiness one day soon, whatever that path may be.

minnie

I really feel for those of you that have had to witness the end stages of a drinker's progression. Whilst I haven't witnessed it at first hand, I understand that it is one of the toughest experiences one can have and I thank SW and FD for sharing their stories so openly.

Forgive me, but there is still something niggling me with the use of the word "functional". (SR has always been a place for me to work things like this out until I get to the nub of it.) Perhaps it is because I see that the line between drinker and problem-drinker to be the crucial one rather than the one between functional and non-functional? (agh, very badly phrased, I know.) I dunno. What I do know is that I have heard more drinkers (and their partners) defend their drinking patterns because at least they were "functional", when in reality they were barely holding it together, nevermind actively seeking the joys that life can offer. I'm gonna leave it now, and take it to my journal.

How are you doing today, Lola?

FormerDoormat

I agree with you, Minnie, that "functional" is far from an accurate term. But at least it's succint. I can't think of another single word that would describe the line alcoholics cross when they go from barely holding on to having completely lost their grasp of reality. What would be a better term?

minnie

TBH, I have always favoured the terms abuse and dependence. Which doesn't really answer your question, I know.

lola99

Hi Minnie...All's well on my end. I read some excellent articles on the stages of alcoholism, which I printed for my husband and left in the upstairs bathroom for his reading pleasure. One says that a drinker may stay in one stage forever and never progress to the next. So there's really no way of knowing definitively what to expect. I've now decided that this problem is outside of my control. The best I can do is to arm myself with information and encourage my husband to learn about the illness and seek help. If he has a problem with the word "help", then he can "explore" the matter and decide the best course of action to take. I'm going to bring up his drinking in our marital counseling session next month. I'm also going to find out if there are any Al Anon meetings in my area that I can attend to learn more about the problem. On a positive note, husband now seems willing to make some changes and I hope he'll follow through. Thanks for all the wonderful advice and opinions and for sharing your own personal stories. I'm so glad I found this website. Take care.

Jazzman

Hey Lola. I have not seen it mentioned here yet but most counselors would treat the addiction separate from the marital issues, and the addiction would be addressed first. Speaking from 1st hand experience here. You would probably hear the same thing from others in similar situations as well.

I have a favorite thread I like to point out to newcomers... I can tell you I followed each step as if my own sanity depended upon it. Hope it helps you as much as it did me.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...light=ten+ways

lola99

Hi Jazzman. The counselor we're scheduled to see is not a psychologist as most are but a psychiatrist. As an M.D. I'm assuming that he'd be able to talk to my husband about the effects of heavy drinking on the body. Of course I'd prefer that my husband see a specialst in the area of substance abuse, but this is at least a step in the right direction. The doctor is nationally known and published so I know going in that husband respects him. Thanks very much for the link....I'll check it out now.

lilac

welcome to SR.............this place is wonderful. Please keep posting and reading, and know you are not alone here.