Free At Last

I am in a relationship with a man who has 11 plus years of sobriety. We have had our ups and downs. We have left eachother. We have hurt eachother. Through the help of this forum I learned the law of detatchment. I practiced no contact. I moved on to new friends new people etc. He showed up all "better" one day. He was in a depression for over a year. Which as many of you may relate takes a toll on you. It certainly did me. I had tried everything he always shut me out. When he came back it was like he had been to some meditation island. He had all the right things to say. They were thought out. He had a plan and a promise. He has made amazing leaps and bounds. Our jobs are very stressful and does add to some needed me time. His me time is 'hiding out" video games, books etc. He is better and more aware. Are plans are to marry and constant talk of the future. I have talked to him a few times trying to explain that I feel like something is missing. I do not want to mention the hiding again. I should not have to change him as a person. DOES NOT WORK I KNOW!!!!! However, I feel like we are planning all these things and I am not having the complete feeling. I am happy, my daughter and him get along great. He has become the man I had fallen in love with before the depression. And even more. But I cannot figure out what is missing. Is it that I am always ging to look for something? Do I expect to much? I just feel like I have all I ever wanted but one little thing is not there. I just do not know what. I also considered that maybe I am angry. It took so many tears through ALANON. It took a great deal of comments very direct to make me realize. I did not cause or control it. I had finally come to terms that I did not need him and I was fine without him. And then there he was with all I ever wanted to hear. Perhaps I jumped to fase because he wanted it all back. Maybe I should have taken longer to accept what I had learned and gone through. I feel a little bitter and some kind of need to act out. Anybody confused yet lol? I am. I guess the point is I fear the depression coming back I cannot explain that to my daughter. There are some things that need improvement. But he says it cannot happen in a day he is trying. I know he is and truly is. Anybody been through this. It seems like a gamble and one day I am ready to take it and then I think I am putting myself in a situation I can thank nobody but myself for if it falls. This disease even when they are not using is neverending. Any thoughts guys need your help.

denny57

Actions speak louder than words. Listen to your gut. What's the rush? What works for me in these dilemmas is my one on one with my therapist. I'm learning an awful lot.

Take a look at the thread about intuition/fear that was just started. Again, listen to your gut.

Good luck and much love. ((()))

Pick-a-name

Take your time. What you say sounds so similar to the spouse's who come here after their loved one gets sober and is working a program,etc. I think maybe at that time the "old issues" and fears pop-up;JMHO. (I do not know; my now exAH is still drinking and never has stopped.)

Wishing you both the best!

(Several on this forum have had experience with a recovered spouse and reuniting.)

Mr. Christian

In my years of meeting and dealing with families that decide to stay together while one has found sobriety, I have found that it is a constant roller coaster.

All though they still both work their programs, there are constant ups and downs and they seem to be greater then the non – alcoholic relationships.

I guess you need to decide if that’s the type of relationship you want in life.
How long have you known him?

Sunflower

she told you 11 years--read Mr C

chero

I thought that was how long he's been sober??

MsGolightly

i dunno, but it sounds like she's known him for quite a while?

MsGolightly

that kind of stood out to me. were you really fine without him?

just thinking out loud here, but maybe deep down, this isn't the kind of relationship you want? i don't want to compare it with "settling" but it's my feeling that if you're planning to spend the rest of your life with someone... all of the puzzle pieces should be there. if you're afraid something is missing, slowing it down and taking your time will help you in the long run.

Sunflower

if something is ''missing''it is a red flag for you--like the others have suggested maybe take it slow--postpone getting married until you are positive..

Mr. Christian

I think she wrote he was sober for 11 years...yep that's what she wrote.

Sunflower

yada yada yada

newenglandgirl

not nice!

StandingStrong

In my opinion, any relationship that feels that it's missing something needs to be evaluated. I'd hate to go into a marriage knowing that something was missing and find that I'm truly not happy after everything that I've invested.
I don't know your reasons for feeling that something is missing. Only you can figure that out. But I'd definately be figuring that out before I married someone.
Please note that I come from the position that I saw the red flags before I got married - but due to reasons that aren't important here in this thread - I married my XAH anyways. That wasn't very smart or healthy on my part.

newenglandgirl

Exactly SS...I ignored the reg flags too. I dismissed my inner voice as irrational fear and worry (thus the "intuition vs. fear" thread). I had let my fear hold me back for so long. I wasn't about to let it ruin what I hoped was the best thing ever.

Free at Last - knowing what I know now, I wish I had known enough to examine my nagging little feelings with a counsellor.

But at the same time, sometimes we always feel a little unsatisfied...or is that just me?

dollydo

If something is missing before the marriage, it will still be missing after.

That little piece of paper isn't going to change a thing.

Free At Last

Thank you all so much, I see some of you enjoyed the play on words as it seems. lol He has 11 years clean. I suppose in the end it is my decision and I do not take it one day at a time. If we have made it this far we can continue to grow on base. Sometimes I think it is me looking for something However, unitl I can figure it out. One step, day and breath ant a time. Thank you all. God Bless

embraced2000

when in doubt....i do nothing....just wait....the answers always come if i wait.