LGLG07

stop looking at him because the relationship he is in , isnt loving im sure ! you are so smart for staying single and finding yourself . you couldnt possibly find a compatible partner if you dont even know who you are anymore . it doesnt make it hurt any less but the pride that you will feel when you do meet someone new , knowing that you were able to attract them and be attracted to them because of how far you have come in your journey , will be priceless and worth waiting for

MsGolightly

lillian - he loved you, he just didn't love himself...

you know this isn't about you or any of your shortcomings... it has to do with him not ready to face his own problems... it has to do with the fact that his brain is controlled by alcohol

FormerDoormat

Your boyfriend did you a great favor by ending the relationship. One day, after you have some recovery under your belt, you'll see this was a blessing in disguise.

mallowcup

I would imagine what he is saying comes from where he's at right now. This is a process. In a way he's birthing a new person and we know that process sometimes makes women say things they don't mean later.
I think in recovery, people are encouraged to end or deprioritize thier relationships with others.
He could be mad because if he weren't in a relationship, he could do what he was doing without answering for it.
He may have been encouraged to break up for now at least.
He may be going through some real withdrawl and just feels like being mean.
This may sound insensative but you don't really want to hear from him if he's going to be caustic and mean right now. If he gets himself straightened around, he'll come to appreciate you and all you've done, you'll hear from him.
If he doesn't get straightened out, it's all the better you don't hear from him.
Remember that this isn't the destination, this is the journey and lots of bumpy roads lead to a beautiful place.

appleblaster

what everyone has said here is true. throughout my own recovery i've realized some really selfish, wrong things I did in the relationship with the alcoholic. around christmas last year I took the opportunity to acnowledge what those things were with him and tell him I was sorry for not being aware that those things were wrong.
mainly, i wanted to apologize for trying to control him, hindering his recovery by rescuing him many times and by always making it about me.....thinking his behaviour was my fault.
i truly did not know those things were wrong. now being that he's still drinking i'm willing to bet that he's sorta gloating and I said exactly what he wanted to hear.....it probably gave him a chance to blame me and that I was willing to accept the blame. that's just how they think. if he ever gets into recovery he will understand. he will understand a lot of things. for now he is worthless to me but the ammends I made set me straight.
this too shall pass....I promise it will. like i'm sure your book will indicate, it is part of your journey. I hope one day soon you will consider it an adventure.

Rella927

Lillian hello and welcome! I also as many here stayed for 2 years (any length of time be it yours, mine or someone in it for 20 years) can be too long if we feel so much pain-read the above quote again it is stated so well!

Hang in there! I have found a wonderful man that I went to High School with-we reunited with each other- and being with him has made me realize that I wished I had jumped off my roller coaster sooner! I deserve as we all here do happiness and love- since my husband passed away I never thought that I would find someone that was so wonderful as he.... a few bad relationships that I chalk up as lessons and learned a great deal from-I have now found my prince. I still have alot of work to do on me-and I'm doing that without the chaos and drama that goes with it and takes me away from focusing on me!

(((Big Hugs))) you will make it through.....keep posting here!

HeartbrokenInNJ

This is all too familiar. I am going thru something so similiar. My boyfriend of a year ended our relationship a month ago saying that he couldnt have any added stress in his life. Things changed when he entered AA and here I thought things would be better. Boy was I wrong. I was left feeling that it was ok for me to stand by his side through all the sh*tty times and thru his mood swings (he's bi-polar also) but now that he is in recovery he didnt need me anymore. I was used! BIG TIME! As hard as it is, detachment is the only thing that will help, aside from attending Alanon mtgs. I still cry over him almost daily, but I have reached the point that I will not be sucked back into his misery. My findings was that the real challenges began when he decided to stop drinking. From dealing with his trembling hands (withdrawal) his wicked mood swings, the sympathy trips, the guilt trips, the list goes on.

An addict is a dependent, not a partner.

Think of this as a blessing. Sure it hurts, sure its confusing, but it will get easier as time goes by. There's nothing more difficult than giving your heart to an addict and getting nothing in return!!

steve11694

at AA meetings there are recoverees that Have stayed with their spouses and others that have not. some had to get their lives together sufficiently before the reconciliation. it helps if they had a good shoulder on their heads and intelligence/education prior to addiction as they seem to revert to a better foundation.

cagefree

Perfectly said - wow!

CF

Rella927

Ditto Cage- HeartBroken said it perfect! (After a 2 1/2 year relationship with my A ...I feel the same way and kudos for that strength HeartBroken!)
"An addict is a dependent, not a partner" <----Love this....

HKAngel24

I feel compelled to answer this post.
I, too, have felt many, many of the same feelings that you are feeling. We put so much time and energy into our addict, loving them, worrying about them, etc. I am so so sorry that you are in such pain. We must keep believing that we deserve more than we have been given by addiction.

I know that when I was on my bf's back about his recovery and what he was or was not doing, he did everything within his power to push me away and tried to spin the guilt back to me by telling me that he just couldn't take me being unsupportive- when I was doing everything I could to be supportive EXCEPT refusing to overlook how completely crazy the situation has become. I wish you strength and am thinking of you.

smith1

I don't know that I can tell you anything that will help. Briefly as far as my owstory. I sate my exagf for over a year. I saw her thru eveything incduing court trials for multiple dui's, visting her in jail, letting her stay at my place when she had no place to go. and visiting her while she was in 90 days of in patient treatment. The lat month of it they let her come home on furloughs and the week of valentines days and the week before she got out of rehab, she dumped me. He shallow reason was the sex wasn.t good enough. I just don;t know what makes them tic. She is still under house arrest at her parents. You can read my full story in this forum on previous pages under my user name and under relationships and parenting. It's been two month and I still fell likd someone's died in my family!