Struggling...
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
BV...you're in this...you're ear deep and completely attached. Being with someone so early in recovery is not going to be easy whatsoever...whatsoever. Sobriety is a roller coaster for a good long while. Buckle up...you're in for a bumpy ride.
I"m so glad you're here and going to an Al-anon meeting. This is exactly what you need to do.
I"m so glad you're here and going to an Al-anon meeting. This is exactly what you need to do.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Hello BV and welcome....I read all of the above and my heart hurts for you hun...welcome to the rollercoaster ride of alcoholism.....
My XAH and I were married for 22 years and he left and came back 8 times in those years....and I have cried rivers of tears hun literlly speaking and so have all the kind people here on this forum. All I can advise to you is the same as what all the others have said...go to Alanon and become close to others in your same situation.. and keep coming back here we care about your and her...
Remember tho that alcoholism is VERY progressive and until she is completely without it for a long period of time she wont loose the "stinkin thinkin" attitude...just stay passive and loving and she will get well...there have been many success stories around here as well as the sad ones ok.
Stay well, stay strong and stay the course....
Janit
My XAH and I were married for 22 years and he left and came back 8 times in those years....and I have cried rivers of tears hun literlly speaking and so have all the kind people here on this forum. All I can advise to you is the same as what all the others have said...go to Alanon and become close to others in your same situation.. and keep coming back here we care about your and her...
Remember tho that alcoholism is VERY progressive and until she is completely without it for a long period of time she wont loose the "stinkin thinkin" attitude...just stay passive and loving and she will get well...there have been many success stories around here as well as the sad ones ok.
Stay well, stay strong and stay the course....
Janit
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: San Rafael, California
Posts: 48
InThis, I understand your points...I do. There's more at play here than just her sobriety. She is VERY active in working her program. She goes to at least 4 meetings a week, a substance abuse awareness class weekly, and weekly therapy (which I've attended one session with her, and plan to attend another soon). Her sponsor is non-existant, and she is looking for a new one currently, as she hasn't been able to reach her for a couple of months. But her father also attempted suicide a few months back, and her parents are getting divorced, and he just moved to Colorado.
The thing that amazes me about her is that she was able to maintain her sobriety through it all.
A part of it too is that she is very much like me in that she can't just sit at home and do nothing...and she hasn't been working for the past 6 months. She starts her new job on Monday, and I think that will help her greatly in her personal goal of feeling "normal" again.
Part of what I go through is my own fault too, however. My last serious relationship crushed me when it ended, and it really did leave me with problems in letting myself love someone again - so it's scary, and I do probably get a little over-defensive with her when an issue arises and I feel like she's pushing me away, when really, she's trying to let me know that she just needs some time to herself.
She is a funny, smart, strong and beautiful woman in every way, and I couldn't imagine her not being in my life. She has done so much for me, and has inspired me to be a better person. I love her, imperfections and all, and am not willing to give up on her. I could tell last night that there just wasn't something right about the way she went about "breaking up" with me...it was too "business like" considering the history that she and I have together...
Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment...I don't know...but I do know that I've run away from too many good things in my life when times got a little rough. I'm not going to do the same again with this...
The thing that amazes me about her is that she was able to maintain her sobriety through it all.
A part of it too is that she is very much like me in that she can't just sit at home and do nothing...and she hasn't been working for the past 6 months. She starts her new job on Monday, and I think that will help her greatly in her personal goal of feeling "normal" again.
Part of what I go through is my own fault too, however. My last serious relationship crushed me when it ended, and it really did leave me with problems in letting myself love someone again - so it's scary, and I do probably get a little over-defensive with her when an issue arises and I feel like she's pushing me away, when really, she's trying to let me know that she just needs some time to herself.
She is a funny, smart, strong and beautiful woman in every way, and I couldn't imagine her not being in my life. She has done so much for me, and has inspired me to be a better person. I love her, imperfections and all, and am not willing to give up on her. I could tell last night that there just wasn't something right about the way she went about "breaking up" with me...it was too "business like" considering the history that she and I have together...
Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment...I don't know...but I do know that I've run away from too many good things in my life when times got a little rough. I'm not going to do the same again with this...
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Originally Posted by InThisForMe 
......i stayed with my A through a lot. through many break ups, through MANY fights, a lot of name calling (on both of our ends) and a lot worse. at the end of the night, we always made up, she always said she was sorry, she always said she loved me and didn't want to lose me. we had been through a lot together and i trusted that what she was telling me was the truth.
......and towards the end of our relationship, she found someone else who could be just as easily manipulated, when she discovered i wouldn't tolerate her crap anymore. i can see it now, even though i loved her with all my heart, even though i planned to spend the rest of my life with her, that her disease had taken over her entire life, and she used me up and all of the support i gave her and moved onto someone else.
..... just a warning, not wanting to attack you at all, our situations just seem so similar, and i really feel for you. i had to come to terms with the fact that the relationship i was in wasn't the kind of relationship i wanted to have for the rest of my life. it wasn't what i considered my ideal relationship to be.
......and towards the end of our relationship, she found someone else who could be just as easily manipulated, when she discovered i wouldn't tolerate her crap anymore. i can see it now, even though i loved her with all my heart, even though i planned to spend the rest of my life with her, that her disease had taken over her entire life, and she used me up and all of the support i gave her and moved onto someone else.
..... just a warning, not wanting to attack you at all, our situations just seem so similar, and i really feel for you. i had to come to terms with the fact that the relationship i was in wasn't the kind of relationship i wanted to have for the rest of my life. it wasn't what i considered my ideal relationship to be.
So true So true....BV we can all relate some more than others...feelings are feelings and we all have them! I will tell you this it is wonderful that you want to stick by her-I think that is great but, please as other posts have said-set boundaries for yourself, take care of yourself-it will become draining and exhausting if you do not. Going to meetings is a wonderful start! And keep coming to SR!
I too feel close to what InThisForMe has said! I was drained-I felt like every last bit of life was sucked out of me! Working so hard making excuses for why he said this or did this or pulled me down a flight of stairs on my back-or why he broke my most valuable things in my home.
I now have a wonderful man in my life-that I reconnected with from my High School reunion-we were always close friends in school-and now being with him the past 6 months-I know what peace is...I know how I want to be treated-with kindness and care...not being called this or that because someone is having a "bad day" we all have bad days but it is just unacceptable behavior to verbally abuse because of it!
Keep posting and Keep going to those meetings BV we are here for you! The pain shall pass..........
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
Hi bv. I just read through your posts. Your roller coaster ride sounds very similar to the battle I fought with my exabf. Stay in alanon. You will both benefit from it greatly.
Also, have you considered weather or not you and/or she could have codependent tendencies? I've read a lot of things in your posts that indicate there could be some codependency on both sides. Its very typical in situations that involve alcohol/drug abuse.
This is by no means a 100% indicator of codependency but it might help to identify some issues within you or her. Just the questions themselves brought awareness for me.
http://www2.recoverycentral.org/tests/testcode.html
Keep posting. Much love to you both.
Also, have you considered weather or not you and/or she could have codependent tendencies? I've read a lot of things in your posts that indicate there could be some codependency on both sides. Its very typical in situations that involve alcohol/drug abuse.
This is by no means a 100% indicator of codependency but it might help to identify some issues within you or her. Just the questions themselves brought awareness for me.
http://www2.recoverycentral.org/tests/testcode.html
Keep posting. Much love to you both.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: San Rafael, California
Posts: 48
Just got back from my first Al-Anon meeting...I do feel a little more at peace with things, although the majority of the meeting was about a part of the program that I knew absolutely nothing about, so I just sat and listened, and then shared at the time set aside for "newcomers" towards the end of the meeting.
It felt good to get some of it out to people that understand.
It felt good to get some of it out to people that understand.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Originally Posted by bv1979
Just got back from my first Al-Anon meeting...I do feel a little more at peace with things, although the majority of the meeting was about a part of the program that I knew absolutely nothing about, so I just sat and listened, and then shared at the time set aside for "newcomers" towards the end of the meeting.
It felt good to get some of it out to people that understand.
It felt good to get some of it out to people that understand.
Yes feeling good! I remember the first meeting....the second....as you go on they get better! I had to be the most stubborn to get me to go a meeting I was like "NO WAY" I do not need a meeting my A needs the meeting! Blah blah I was a quacking codie! Ha Ha ....good work BV keep it up! It will only get better and setting the boundaries make it even better for YOU!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: San Rafael, California
Posts: 48
Yeah...I had no reservations about going to the meeting. The only problem was actually finding it, as the 24 hour informational hotline was outdated as far as meeting schedule went. Luckily, the place I originally went to had the flier with the current list, and there was a meeting starting in a half hour only about 10 minutes away from where I was - so I made that one.
I feel good today...I stayed at her house last night, but before I left, we had a little bit of a tense moment when she was ranting about something - but I just let it go and didn't dwell on it. I then left to go run errands and go to the meeting, and she went to her AA meeting. As soon as she got out of her AA meeting she called and apologized for her rant (which really was small scale stuff compared to other times), and we had a great night the rest of the night once I got back to her house.
The only thing that she said last night that was funny was that she was worried about me being "too into" her, as that as we both know, we each need to focus on our own needs. I don't know if I'm blind to it, but I feel like I can separate the two and love her the way I do and still make sure I'm taken care of. She had just been in a big fight with her daughter (I'll share that whole situation another time - maybe even later today), so I know she was feeling stressed at the time again, so I just let the comment go. I went to sleep earlier than her because I get up for work at 5 in the morning, but I do remember her putting her arms around me and hanging on tight when she came to bed, and that's how we both fell back asleep.
I think I would have reacted differently to her last night if I hadn't gone to that meeting...so thank you all that pointed me in that direction. I truly am grateful.
I feel good today...I stayed at her house last night, but before I left, we had a little bit of a tense moment when she was ranting about something - but I just let it go and didn't dwell on it. I then left to go run errands and go to the meeting, and she went to her AA meeting. As soon as she got out of her AA meeting she called and apologized for her rant (which really was small scale stuff compared to other times), and we had a great night the rest of the night once I got back to her house.
The only thing that she said last night that was funny was that she was worried about me being "too into" her, as that as we both know, we each need to focus on our own needs. I don't know if I'm blind to it, but I feel like I can separate the two and love her the way I do and still make sure I'm taken care of. She had just been in a big fight with her daughter (I'll share that whole situation another time - maybe even later today), so I know she was feeling stressed at the time again, so I just let the comment go. I went to sleep earlier than her because I get up for work at 5 in the morning, but I do remember her putting her arms around me and hanging on tight when she came to bed, and that's how we both fell back asleep.
I think I would have reacted differently to her last night if I hadn't gone to that meeting...so thank you all that pointed me in that direction. I truly am grateful.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
That is wonderful and a great start! It takes times! I still act out on occasion to just people in general-and I realize what I'm doing and apologize right away! It does not happen often anymore (Al-Anon!!) but it does!
I'm so happy that you feel good today! Keep it going!!! Keep coming here and posting too-it helps sometimes to vent! And on people that know what you are going through-
I'm so happy that you feel good today! Keep it going!!! Keep coming here and posting too-it helps sometimes to vent! And on people that know what you are going through-
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