How do we really let go?
Dream Weaver
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hobart Indiana
Posts: 16
How do we really let go?
Hi everyone, I've been reading the boards for a little over two weeks now and finally had the courage to post under someone else's message the other night. I've been able to better understand why my life has been in such turmoil for the past two years. A little bit about me, so everyone can get to know me better....I met the most wonderful man two years ago, but I think I was going through a phase myself after a recent divorce. Met him at a bar... go figure. We are identical in so many ways, when he is sober. We both have a boy and a girl, all same ages. We are both the same age experiencing two unfaithful significant others. It was fun at first, but I figured out the big "party life" was not fitting into my work and school schedules over time. I slowed down and quit drinking after watching him go down hill. Work was calling him on and off, his bills were behind all of the time, friends were over ALL of the time drinking or recouping from the night before. Sober.. we talked about wonderful dreams and things that we were going to do together. Drunk is another story. I could never figure out how someone could not put it down and not stop. Over time, he cheated and then I cheated. His was because he was drunk. Mine was because I was trying to move on. We ended up back together, this time engaged. I moved in to his house with my children because we were going to marry. Then, one night I came home from work late to a passed out man that obviously had been fighting with someone. Whole house was destroyed, kids were locked in their rooms, finance was bleeding all over the place. I made the mistake of waking him up and an altercation happened. The police ended up at the house because we had physically fought and I ended up down the street wandering around looking for help. He now faces felony charges of strangulation, two counts of criminal recklessness with a firearm and domestic battery. Now, I work for the court system so I know the seriousness of what has happened. I moved out and on with my life, but after a couple months ran into him again... sober. Yes, I fell back in the trap because again sober.. I believe everything he has to say..But, it never fails. I've always looked at it as Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. Dr. Jeckle is a wonderful caring man, but when he gets his potion...look out, it's Mr. Hyde. Before that incident, in a million years I never thought he would do anything like that. I had seen him with his friends and they acted like idiots when they were drunk, but he always treated me like a queen. Now...is a different story. When Mr. Hyde comes out, I retreat like a turtle into it's shell and figure oh well, tomorrow he will be fine and not even know what went down. The 1000 call will come and I will ignore them because he can't come to the house because of the court order. I'm just at the point in my life where I'm tired....I'm so in love with the sober man and it's so sad that I see them as two people. How do we really let go completely?
Holly
Holly
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Hi, Holly... I think you're at a point in your life where you need to find some help for yourself. You did everything right (in the end), but you're still at risk of being sucked in because you still love him (you actually did go back with him once before). As you work on yourself and find a healthier way of thinking, you will probably recognize all of this for what it really is and be able to stop.
Just another thought... you said, "I could never figure out how someone could not put it down and not stop." At the end of your post you said, "How do we really let go completely?" Do you see the similarities? This man is YOUR drug of choice. You need a recovery program just like he does.
Just another thought... you said, "I could never figure out how someone could not put it down and not stop." At the end of your post you said, "How do we really let go completely?" Do you see the similarities? This man is YOUR drug of choice. You need a recovery program just like he does.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
It is true they do seem to be like 2 different people--unfortunately the bad side wins over the good fast...I have an AS and I was assaulted simular to you.Police/courts etc..When my AS assualted me I was looking in his eyes and it was as if he were a stranger--it wasn't him.When his best friend came over the next night I cried ''we have lost him"" thats how it felt-and it was true at that point--I didn't recognise this person anymore. I had to let go.
He has been sober a while now and ''the real him''is back again just like I remember him-even better-I see my son now when I look in his eyes-my gentle compassionate intelligent son...Before when he was drinking he was loud-selfish-vulgar and violent. Alcohol just ruins people-changes them so much.
I did not have small children like you in the house---you need to leave asap.Well he is ordered out right now--but we all know how that goes. I caught a lot of slack from my family for ''letting go'' but I would tell them 'would you rather he was dead?''
Let him go--if you ever want to really have a relationship with him you have no other choice,,,,if he get clean and stays clean he will be the man you remember if not you are headed down the path to a nightmare of a life---and dragging your kids with you as well....Be strong.....
He has been sober a while now and ''the real him''is back again just like I remember him-even better-I see my son now when I look in his eyes-my gentle compassionate intelligent son...Before when he was drinking he was loud-selfish-vulgar and violent. Alcohol just ruins people-changes them so much.
I did not have small children like you in the house---you need to leave asap.Well he is ordered out right now--but we all know how that goes. I caught a lot of slack from my family for ''letting go'' but I would tell them 'would you rather he was dead?''
Let him go--if you ever want to really have a relationship with him you have no other choice,,,,if he get clean and stays clean he will be the man you remember if not you are headed down the path to a nightmare of a life---and dragging your kids with you as well....Be strong.....
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I think we all have some love left for the "sober man" but that man is, essentially, DEAD. The disease destroyed that person. In Codependent No More, Melodie Beattie discusses that the worst pain we endure is the death of our dreams. You HAD something good. He chose to destroy that.
Now, about Al-Anon ... please find some meetings in your area and begin attending. We are exposed to this craziness for so long that we tolerate crap no normal person would ever tolerate. Why? Because we've been exposed to insanity for so long, we adapt to it and don't see how bad it is. We justify it, minimize it, or just plain out deny it. I mean, here you are coming home to a guy who has been in a major fight, then you both get into a physical altercation, the police are called in, and he's in trouble big-time with the legal system.
But ... I love him. How do you get over it? You grieve the loss of him as if he had literally died. You go to meetings and learn that you are a valued and worthwhile human being who deserves to have a decent life. You discover why you tolerated the insanity. Believe me, everyday normal folks would be horrified to hear that you put up with this nonsense.
It takes time to let go completely. It takes hard work to let go completely. It doesn't happen overnight. But the way I see it, there are about 3 billion people on this planet today (I hope my estimate is in the ballpark!). Out of all those people, there must be some normal guy out there with whom I could have a relationship.
And, P.S., I met my former AH in a bar. Lesson to be learned: DON'T go to bars to find a guy who isn't into drinking. (And I don't mean a guy who goes out once in awhile to have a beer after work with friends!)
Now, about Al-Anon ... please find some meetings in your area and begin attending. We are exposed to this craziness for so long that we tolerate crap no normal person would ever tolerate. Why? Because we've been exposed to insanity for so long, we adapt to it and don't see how bad it is. We justify it, minimize it, or just plain out deny it. I mean, here you are coming home to a guy who has been in a major fight, then you both get into a physical altercation, the police are called in, and he's in trouble big-time with the legal system.
But ... I love him. How do you get over it? You grieve the loss of him as if he had literally died. You go to meetings and learn that you are a valued and worthwhile human being who deserves to have a decent life. You discover why you tolerated the insanity. Believe me, everyday normal folks would be horrified to hear that you put up with this nonsense.
It takes time to let go completely. It takes hard work to let go completely. It doesn't happen overnight. But the way I see it, there are about 3 billion people on this planet today (I hope my estimate is in the ballpark!). Out of all those people, there must be some normal guy out there with whom I could have a relationship.
And, P.S., I met my former AH in a bar. Lesson to be learned: DON'T go to bars to find a guy who isn't into drinking. (And I don't mean a guy who goes out once in awhile to have a beer after work with friends!)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by dreamwvr 
He now faces felony charges of strangulation, two counts of criminal recklessness with a firearm and domestic battery. How do we really let go completely?
Welcome again!
Yeah, I'd say those are serious charges!!!! You might want to view the thread that Embraced started about Domestic Violence....and the abuse stickies at the top too!
I let go only when I was ready to; when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I went back and forth so many times. I left, returned, stayed over and over until I could do it no more. It seemed each time things were worse than before, and the promises made and declaration of love were few and far between.
There is always a part of my heart that will have his name all over it....even today after all that's happened. So, you don't have to stop loving or caring for him....sometimes we just need to do it from afar either temporarily or as in my case, permanently.
Whatever the case may be with you, I hope you spend some time working on you. Have you given any thought to Alanon? Counseling? DV Counseling perhaps?
There's some terrific books by Melody Beattie...Co Dependent No More is one I suggest starting with. Language of Letting Go is another one I highly recommend...it's quoted very often here!
It's a little slow right now, but I'm sure others will be along soon. Keep coming back, ok?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: far far away
Posts: 12
Thanks
Thank you so much for sharing so honestly. I miss my A every day. Not the drunk, but the one I fell in love with. Then again, I'm new too and have to believe that if I believe what these people say, go to meetings and try to get better that my life will improve. I'm going to do those things and see what happens, there's not much other options but to go back and live in the chaos and drag my kids with me. I know I want better for them so I'm going to just keep trying to do what they say. I'm rambling, but thanks again, you helped me realize (once again) that I'm not the only one.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
Hi Holly! Welcome!
I too am struggling with letting go, but after a few days of heavily reading and posting on this board, I've decided that I know what I need to do, no matter how hard it is. I was also in love with the sober person, not the drunk. And for me, I had the hardest time separating the two. At least now you can realize how they do become two different people, even though it's heartbreaking. I imagine a lot of people never truly realize that.
As for me, I started thinking about the negative things that have happened to me for the past six months or so. I thought about the many lies, cheating, promising to get sober and never following through, the manipulation that was used to keep me around... And as much as I love the person that she used to be, when she was sober for over a year, it's simply not who she is anymore, and that truly is her own choice. I can love her as much as I want to, but thinking the old person is going to come back is lying to myself. I'm tired of being manipulated, and feeling used, empty, and embarrassed.
If you give it a few days... a week... whatever, it will get easier. As I mentioned on another post, I finally slept through the night last night, and it's been almost two full days since I cried over her! This is HUGE for me, as the past few months have been a nightmare I never want to relive... so I'm saying goodbye so I don't have to. I found a good book to read, I've rented movies, etc., and every time I start to think about her, I ask myself why. What's the point? She isn't thinking about me. I'm not making my life about her anymore.
You can do this! I didn't think I could, but here I am, and I'm feeling great... Not saying that I'm not ever going to feel like a wreck again, but at least I know it's possible to be happy without her.
I too am struggling with letting go, but after a few days of heavily reading and posting on this board, I've decided that I know what I need to do, no matter how hard it is. I was also in love with the sober person, not the drunk. And for me, I had the hardest time separating the two. At least now you can realize how they do become two different people, even though it's heartbreaking. I imagine a lot of people never truly realize that.
As for me, I started thinking about the negative things that have happened to me for the past six months or so. I thought about the many lies, cheating, promising to get sober and never following through, the manipulation that was used to keep me around... And as much as I love the person that she used to be, when she was sober for over a year, it's simply not who she is anymore, and that truly is her own choice. I can love her as much as I want to, but thinking the old person is going to come back is lying to myself. I'm tired of being manipulated, and feeling used, empty, and embarrassed.
If you give it a few days... a week... whatever, it will get easier. As I mentioned on another post, I finally slept through the night last night, and it's been almost two full days since I cried over her! This is HUGE for me, as the past few months have been a nightmare I never want to relive... so I'm saying goodbye so I don't have to. I found a good book to read, I've rented movies, etc., and every time I start to think about her, I ask myself why. What's the point? She isn't thinking about me. I'm not making my life about her anymore.
You can do this! I didn't think I could, but here I am, and I'm feeling great... Not saying that I'm not ever going to feel like a wreck again, but at least I know it's possible to be happy without her.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I sure do understand your turmoil, the person you met is not the person you have a relationship with.
I once hired a clerk who seemed just great and I felt could do the job, on Monday I swere her twin showed up....and, it went down hill from there.
I once hired a clerk who seemed just great and I felt could do the job, on Monday I swere her twin showed up....and, it went down hill from there.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
"In Codependent No More, Melodie Beattie discusses that the worst pain we endure is the death of our dreams. You HAD something good. He chose to destroy that."
Thank you for that! Bingo. I feel like a light bulb just went on. I am going through the same struggle with letting go and the associated anger. I feel like I'm letting my/our "dream" go, but it's been almost 4 years since we were even on the same page, let alone living any type of "dream". My AH has been gone for almost 2 weeks now (first rehab and now living in a halfway house) and it does get better day by day. His first night in rehab was the first night I slept soundly through the night in a couple of months! No wonder I'm soooooo crazy!
Thank you for that! Bingo. I feel like a light bulb just went on. I am going through the same struggle with letting go and the associated anger. I feel like I'm letting my/our "dream" go, but it's been almost 4 years since we were even on the same page, let alone living any type of "dream". My AH has been gone for almost 2 weeks now (first rehab and now living in a halfway house) and it does get better day by day. His first night in rehab was the first night I slept soundly through the night in a couple of months! No wonder I'm soooooo crazy!
Dream Weaver
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hobart Indiana
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by InThisForMe
I'm tired of being manipulated, and feeling used, empty, and embarrassed.
Thank you! You are all so supportive! I feel exactly this way. I just researched quite a bit on this site and found it to be very informational. I liked one of the posts, I'm sorry I don't remember which thread it was under, but it was about cognitive dissonance. "A condition of conflict or anxiety resulting from inconsistency between one's beliefs and one's actions." I think this is the actual craziness that I feel. I am definately educating myself on the domestic abuse and codependant issues. The sad part is that I have pulled away from my A physically, but just not emotionally. I know within myself that this cycle is not healthy and it never will be. I know my children will grow up in a wonderful environment, but my heart goes out to his children. Thank you again for all of your support! Holly
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Hi everyone,
My name is Stephanie and I am an alcoholic. I don't drink now but I have caused damage to my family in the past so I don't know if I am welcome here. I have been over on the alcoholism forums until now.
Firstly, can I ask what A and AH stand for please?
I just wanted to say that this thread has helped me a lot. I believe that my drinking may never have got so bad so fast without the pain of an abusive relationship. My boyfriend and I met in a bar five years ago. It became clear that he had a problem with alcohol quite soon after that. My mother is an abusive alcoholic so I felt kind of comfortable with him. He has done awful things. He is addicted to porn and sex. One night he went out to buy smokes with my girlfriend who was a guest in my house. 3 hours later.... well you know. I totally relate to the jeckyl and hyde thing. I call it Mr A and Mr Z. Every day at 1pm, I lose him to the drink. I have been so lonely. He didn't touch me for the past two years unless I had had sex with someone else that he had arranged. He has guns in his house and I also had to call the police one night. The pain of all that and the way he is with women generally helped my drinking along nicely and before I knew it, I needed to be numb to get through an evening with him.
I am an intelligent, educated woman in a good job.
Why then did I stay and hang on to hope when it so obviously not there? I am still not sure why. Every time I tried to end the relationship, the pain was so intense. I have always been OK with telling a chap to pi55 off before this if I wasn't happy.
Since I stopped drinking, I have been able to see what he is really like. He moved out when I stopped drinking - the lowest point in my life so far. I guess that was enough to make me realise that he really doesn't have an ability to care about me.
He is so lovely sober. I am talking true love of my life lovely. Mr A is someone I waited for all my life.
It still gives me pain to see him in the hell I was in before I quit but my sobriety has to take first place now. It uses all my strength and attention and I don't have any time for him now.
Thanks for your time if you have read this.
Steph
My name is Stephanie and I am an alcoholic. I don't drink now but I have caused damage to my family in the past so I don't know if I am welcome here. I have been over on the alcoholism forums until now.
Firstly, can I ask what A and AH stand for please?
I just wanted to say that this thread has helped me a lot. I believe that my drinking may never have got so bad so fast without the pain of an abusive relationship. My boyfriend and I met in a bar five years ago. It became clear that he had a problem with alcohol quite soon after that. My mother is an abusive alcoholic so I felt kind of comfortable with him. He has done awful things. He is addicted to porn and sex. One night he went out to buy smokes with my girlfriend who was a guest in my house. 3 hours later.... well you know. I totally relate to the jeckyl and hyde thing. I call it Mr A and Mr Z. Every day at 1pm, I lose him to the drink. I have been so lonely. He didn't touch me for the past two years unless I had had sex with someone else that he had arranged. He has guns in his house and I also had to call the police one night. The pain of all that and the way he is with women generally helped my drinking along nicely and before I knew it, I needed to be numb to get through an evening with him.
I am an intelligent, educated woman in a good job.
Why then did I stay and hang on to hope when it so obviously not there? I am still not sure why. Every time I tried to end the relationship, the pain was so intense. I have always been OK with telling a chap to pi55 off before this if I wasn't happy.
Since I stopped drinking, I have been able to see what he is really like. He moved out when I stopped drinking - the lowest point in my life so far. I guess that was enough to make me realise that he really doesn't have an ability to care about me.
He is so lovely sober. I am talking true love of my life lovely. Mr A is someone I waited for all my life.
It still gives me pain to see him in the hell I was in before I quit but my sobriety has to take first place now. It uses all my strength and attention and I don't have any time for him now.
Thanks for your time if you have read this.
Steph
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Hello, Stephanie. I really like to hear from the alcoholics, because it gives me a perspective from "the other side." This is very helpful to me.
An "A" is an alcoholic, an "AH" is an alcoholic husband, "AS" is an alcoholic son, and so on.
Low self-esteem seems to be a common thread we all share and a primary reason we remain in unhealthy relationships.
I know you love this guy, but you are right that your sobriety is the most important thing in your life right now. We love to hear about the success stories... they give us hope. Keep working at it and keep posting.
An "A" is an alcoholic, an "AH" is an alcoholic husband, "AS" is an alcoholic son, and so on.
Low self-esteem seems to be a common thread we all share and a primary reason we remain in unhealthy relationships.
I know you love this guy, but you are right that your sobriety is the most important thing in your life right now. We love to hear about the success stories... they give us hope. Keep working at it and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Thanks hope and inthis. I feel like I belong in both places. I feel very humble that you would even write back.
I have only been sober for 19 days. I have been to three AA meetings and I have been reading a lot both in this forum and in the alcoholic forum. I still have a long way to go. If I can give anyone here some hope then that is a blessing for me.
I have only been sober for 19 days. I have been to three AA meetings and I have been reading a lot both in this forum and in the alcoholic forum. I still have a long way to go. If I can give anyone here some hope then that is a blessing for me.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
In my 3 months of sobriety I have fought my addiction to my exAbf just as diligently. It has been a hard and painful process and in the end, I had to move 3000 miles away in order to feel "emotionally safe" enough to start healing. I loved my ex..still do...but allowing him any avenue into me will always cause me tremendous pain and confusion. Whilst a person is ear deep in addiction they are incapable of rationale and caring thoughts with any follow through.
Your fiance is sick and in pain and he is the only one who can help him. I have forgiven my ex for any pain he has inflicted. Hurting people hurt people. Forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation. I have erased "the debt". He owes me nothing. He is in my prayers but likely, never again in my life. I honour him for being part of my journey but to love myself, I must let him go. I must be grateful for the season and carry on. He creeps into my thoughts more often than I would like..but that is part of the process. I miss the man I love sometimes...but he belongs to his addiction right now...not me.
Your fiance is sick and in pain and he is the only one who can help him. I have forgiven my ex for any pain he has inflicted. Hurting people hurt people. Forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation. I have erased "the debt". He owes me nothing. He is in my prayers but likely, never again in my life. I honour him for being part of my journey but to love myself, I must let him go. I must be grateful for the season and carry on. He creeps into my thoughts more often than I would like..but that is part of the process. I miss the man I love sometimes...but he belongs to his addiction right now...not me.
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