Let's talk about ... enabling
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Let's talk about ... enabling
Enabling & Rescuing vs Tough Love
By Robert Burney
""We cannot begin to make progress in learning to Love ourselves until we start being kind to ourselves in healthy ways. A very important part of being kind to ourselves is learning how to say no, and how to set, and be able to defend, boundaries.
Unconditional Love does not mean being a doormat for other people - unconditional Love begins with Loving ourselves enough to protect ourselves from the people we Love if that is necessary."
"We live in a society where the emotional experience of "love" is conditional on behavior. Where fear, guilt, and shame are used to try to control children's behavior because parents believe that their children's behavior reflects their self-worth.
In other words, if little Johnny is a well-behaved, "good boy," then his parents are good people. If Johnny acts out, and misbehaves, then there is something wrong with his parents. ("He doesn't come from a good family.")
What the family dynamics research shows is that it is actually the good child - the family hero role -who is the most emotionally dishonest and out of touch with him/herself, while the acting-out child - the scapegoat - is the most emotionally honest child in the dysfunctional family."
Please note: many quotes are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
Enabling is a term used in 12 step recovery to describe the behavior of family members, or other loved ones, who rescue an alcoholic or drug addict from the consequences of their own self destructive behavior. It also relates to rescuing anyone who is caught up in any of the compulsive and/or addictive self destructive behaviors that are symptoms of codependency: gambling; spending; eating disorders; sexual or relationship addictions; inability to hold a job; etc.
Codependency recovery is in one sense growing up. As long as we are caught in unconscious reaction to our childhood wounding we cannot become mature responsible adults capable of healthy, Truly Loving relationships. The person who is caught up in self destructive compulsive/addictive behavior patterns behaves in an immature and irresponsible manner.
[As I note often in my writing, codependency involves extremes of behavior. The immature, irresponsible, self destructive codependent is one extreme of the spectrum - usually the person who is genetically an addictive personality. At the other extreme, is the codependent who is over responsible and/or other focused - and can appear to be very mature and successful, with no need of being rescued. This is often the adult who as a child was being the parent in the family - rescuing and taking care of their own immature parents from a very young age. The family hero or caretaker who defines themselves by external accomplishments, popularity, possessions, superiority to others, etc. This person can be a workaholic, or exercise/health fanatic, or religion addict, or a professional caretaker (therapist, nurse, etc.), or "kind hearted" martyr (who is passively controlling by avoiding conflict and thus set up to be the "wronged" victim) - some type of controlling personality who feels superior to others based upon their seeming ability to be in control of their lives according to certain external criteria. The external criteria can range from being financially successful to being successful in never getting angry - and are dysfunctional codependent measures of worth based upon comparison to, upon feeling superior to, other people. These varieties of codependency are not capable of healthy, Truly Loving relationships either.]
A person who is acting out self destructively has no reason to change if they do not ever suffer major consequences for their behavior. If they are rescued from consequences, they are enabled to continue practicing their addiction.
I celebrated my sobriety anniversary on January 3rd. I have now been clean and sober for over 18 years. The reason I got clean and sober was because my parents did an intervention on me and set a boundary that they would not rescue me financially one more time.
An intervention is a confrontation of self destructive behavior by the addicts loved ones. It is often professionally facilitated - although that is not a necessary requirement. It involves the family and friends of an alcoholic/addict confronting the self destructive behavior and setting boundaries with the person. It is sometimes described as an example of "tough love."
Tough love is a misnomer. Love that does not include boundaries is not Truly Love - it is enmeshment, it is emotional vampirism. If I do not Love myself enough to have boundaries to protect myself from the behavior of others than I am not capable of relating to other people in a healthy Loving manner. Rescuing another from their own self destructive behavior is not Loving - and it is codependently dishonest.
When we are reacting out of our codependency, unconsciously reacting out of our childhood emotional wounds and programming, then we are not capable of being honest with ourselves or others. A codependent doesn't rescue or try to save someone they "love" for the other persons benefit - they do it for themselves. A parent who keeps rescuing a child from self destructive behavior is on some level trying to be loving - but at the deepest level they are trying to rescue themselves from the pain of seeing their child destroy themselves. They are being selfish - which is human and normal - but they are doing it dishonestly by telling themselves they are doing it for the other person. This is a set up to feel victimized - and to abuse and shame the child/loved one for their behavior. "How can you do this to me after all I have done for you?"
One of the important distinctions to learn in recovery, is how to draw a boundary between being and behavior. We can love a person's being and still protect ourselves from their behavior if that is necessary. To think that loving someone means we have to accept being abused by them is dysfunctional - and it demonstrates a lack of Love for our self. If we do not know how to be Loving to our self, then we cannot Truly Love another person in a healthy way. If we do not honor our self, show respect for our self, by having boundaries - then the other person is not going to respect us.
Rescuing someone who is actively practicing addiction of some kind, is enabling. It is dysfunctional because it supports the person in continuing to practice their addiction. A person in recovery working on getting healthier may need some help from time to time - and that is great, that is being supportive in a positive manner. Helping someone to continue to self destruct is not support, it is codependency - it is also not Loving.
~ Enabling and Rescuing vs Tough Love by Robert Burney
By Robert Burney
""We cannot begin to make progress in learning to Love ourselves until we start being kind to ourselves in healthy ways. A very important part of being kind to ourselves is learning how to say no, and how to set, and be able to defend, boundaries.
Unconditional Love does not mean being a doormat for other people - unconditional Love begins with Loving ourselves enough to protect ourselves from the people we Love if that is necessary."
"We live in a society where the emotional experience of "love" is conditional on behavior. Where fear, guilt, and shame are used to try to control children's behavior because parents believe that their children's behavior reflects their self-worth.
In other words, if little Johnny is a well-behaved, "good boy," then his parents are good people. If Johnny acts out, and misbehaves, then there is something wrong with his parents. ("He doesn't come from a good family.")
What the family dynamics research shows is that it is actually the good child - the family hero role -who is the most emotionally dishonest and out of touch with him/herself, while the acting-out child - the scapegoat - is the most emotionally honest child in the dysfunctional family."
Please note: many quotes are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
Enabling is a term used in 12 step recovery to describe the behavior of family members, or other loved ones, who rescue an alcoholic or drug addict from the consequences of their own self destructive behavior. It also relates to rescuing anyone who is caught up in any of the compulsive and/or addictive self destructive behaviors that are symptoms of codependency: gambling; spending; eating disorders; sexual or relationship addictions; inability to hold a job; etc.
Codependency recovery is in one sense growing up. As long as we are caught in unconscious reaction to our childhood wounding we cannot become mature responsible adults capable of healthy, Truly Loving relationships. The person who is caught up in self destructive compulsive/addictive behavior patterns behaves in an immature and irresponsible manner.
[As I note often in my writing, codependency involves extremes of behavior. The immature, irresponsible, self destructive codependent is one extreme of the spectrum - usually the person who is genetically an addictive personality. At the other extreme, is the codependent who is over responsible and/or other focused - and can appear to be very mature and successful, with no need of being rescued. This is often the adult who as a child was being the parent in the family - rescuing and taking care of their own immature parents from a very young age. The family hero or caretaker who defines themselves by external accomplishments, popularity, possessions, superiority to others, etc. This person can be a workaholic, or exercise/health fanatic, or religion addict, or a professional caretaker (therapist, nurse, etc.), or "kind hearted" martyr (who is passively controlling by avoiding conflict and thus set up to be the "wronged" victim) - some type of controlling personality who feels superior to others based upon their seeming ability to be in control of their lives according to certain external criteria. The external criteria can range from being financially successful to being successful in never getting angry - and are dysfunctional codependent measures of worth based upon comparison to, upon feeling superior to, other people. These varieties of codependency are not capable of healthy, Truly Loving relationships either.]
A person who is acting out self destructively has no reason to change if they do not ever suffer major consequences for their behavior. If they are rescued from consequences, they are enabled to continue practicing their addiction.
I celebrated my sobriety anniversary on January 3rd. I have now been clean and sober for over 18 years. The reason I got clean and sober was because my parents did an intervention on me and set a boundary that they would not rescue me financially one more time.
An intervention is a confrontation of self destructive behavior by the addicts loved ones. It is often professionally facilitated - although that is not a necessary requirement. It involves the family and friends of an alcoholic/addict confronting the self destructive behavior and setting boundaries with the person. It is sometimes described as an example of "tough love."
Tough love is a misnomer. Love that does not include boundaries is not Truly Love - it is enmeshment, it is emotional vampirism. If I do not Love myself enough to have boundaries to protect myself from the behavior of others than I am not capable of relating to other people in a healthy Loving manner. Rescuing another from their own self destructive behavior is not Loving - and it is codependently dishonest.
When we are reacting out of our codependency, unconsciously reacting out of our childhood emotional wounds and programming, then we are not capable of being honest with ourselves or others. A codependent doesn't rescue or try to save someone they "love" for the other persons benefit - they do it for themselves. A parent who keeps rescuing a child from self destructive behavior is on some level trying to be loving - but at the deepest level they are trying to rescue themselves from the pain of seeing their child destroy themselves. They are being selfish - which is human and normal - but they are doing it dishonestly by telling themselves they are doing it for the other person. This is a set up to feel victimized - and to abuse and shame the child/loved one for their behavior. "How can you do this to me after all I have done for you?"
One of the important distinctions to learn in recovery, is how to draw a boundary between being and behavior. We can love a person's being and still protect ourselves from their behavior if that is necessary. To think that loving someone means we have to accept being abused by them is dysfunctional - and it demonstrates a lack of Love for our self. If we do not know how to be Loving to our self, then we cannot Truly Love another person in a healthy way. If we do not honor our self, show respect for our self, by having boundaries - then the other person is not going to respect us.
Rescuing someone who is actively practicing addiction of some kind, is enabling. It is dysfunctional because it supports the person in continuing to practice their addiction. A person in recovery working on getting healthier may need some help from time to time - and that is great, that is being supportive in a positive manner. Helping someone to continue to self destruct is not support, it is codependency - it is also not Loving.
~ Enabling and Rescuing vs Tough Love by Robert Burney
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Join Date: Aug 2002
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I have been working HARD on learning about enabling vs tough love lately. My son has decided he doesnt like his job anymore, so he's not going to work. He just QUIT GOING ! He called his boss and told him that his grandmother was sick and he had to leave town. The boss called ME today and asked about it... my response was "well.... huh. How 'bout that?"
Super Codie Mom wanted to fib to the boss and make it all ok. Heaven forbid my sweet boy have unpleasant consequences for lying to the boss and not going to work! Fortunately Super Codie Mom got squashed by Recovery Mom who said STAY OUT OF THIS MESS it doesn't concern you... his actions = his consequences. I have to remind myself often that the most loving thing I can do for him is to step back and allow him the dignity and joy of his own choices and consequences, no matter how icky they might look to me. AND I have to do a lot of positive self talk when he comes to me and wants "help" which means he'll need money or a place to stay or a good story to tell the boss so he can get his job back.... and the answer is NO NO NO. I can't do that for you, but I can do this... or my latest favorite, which is gosh, it sucks to be you, doesn't it?
Anyone else out there struggling with this?
~ Cat
Super Codie Mom wanted to fib to the boss and make it all ok. Heaven forbid my sweet boy have unpleasant consequences for lying to the boss and not going to work! Fortunately Super Codie Mom got squashed by Recovery Mom who said STAY OUT OF THIS MESS it doesn't concern you... his actions = his consequences. I have to remind myself often that the most loving thing I can do for him is to step back and allow him the dignity and joy of his own choices and consequences, no matter how icky they might look to me. AND I have to do a lot of positive self talk when he comes to me and wants "help" which means he'll need money or a place to stay or a good story to tell the boss so he can get his job back.... and the answer is NO NO NO. I can't do that for you, but I can do this... or my latest favorite, which is gosh, it sucks to be you, doesn't it?
Anyone else out there struggling with this?
~ Cat
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
well my sitch is different because it's with a now ex-husband. He got himself in big legal trouble, lost is license, lives far from work. He called me literally begging for help and I flat out said no. I will not mitigate the consequences for actions that he was warned about over the course of 20 years (this isn't his first dwi). I've been using the rule of only doing things if I want to do them. Only if I want to. That means I've given him a ride twice in over five weeks since it happened. I feel no guilt and his attempts to extract guilt and/or emotionally blackmail me just make me sick at this point.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Cat, Yup I am struggling right now with my AD. She wants out of her abusive relationship with her abf. She wants to go to a "nice" rehab. She wants her bills paid so that she does not get a bad credit rating. Only problem is she is a heroin addict that does not have a job. We don't want her living at home with us. We will not pay for a nice rehab. She is coming over tomorrow to look up and call up rehabs. I agree with her that she needs at least 90 days to work on all her issues (she has a lot). It is hard to watch her struggle but it is her struggle. Support vs. enabling. That is what I am praying on now. Marle
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
Cat.....
You don't know how much I needed to read this. This after spending $77 the other day so my junkie daughter and her boyfriend could stay one more night in a motel. I just couldn't face her spending the night on the street. She had left the crack house she had been staying at, and I thought....one night, with a bed and a shower. Arghhhhhhh
Talk about still trying to rescue!!! But, again, Ill start over and detach!!
NSW
You don't know how much I needed to read this. This after spending $77 the other day so my junkie daughter and her boyfriend could stay one more night in a motel. I just couldn't face her spending the night on the street. She had left the crack house she had been staying at, and I thought....one night, with a bed and a shower. Arghhhhhhh
Talk about still trying to rescue!!! But, again, Ill start over and detach!!
NSW
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