4LeafClover

I was sitting here reading through some of the posts, and I realized that many people did the same thing I did...When I was with my ex, I spent so much time worrying about what he was doing, what he was going to be like when I saw him, what was he hiding, what was he lying about? You do start to lose yourself when you are consumed by that person, and taking care of yourself takes a backseat. Why continue to worry about someone that doesn't even worry about themselves??

And now that I've left, I am scared. What if I can't take care of myself? I used to have everything together. I was amazing at my job and I made sure I did well in school, I took care of every appt, every bill, everyone I loved, everything. I had 2 datebooks, and I even took a little time out of my day to coordinate them, and make sure I wasn't forgetting anything. I took a lot of happiness from that independence, especially since I was like 17, 18. Now I'm 20, and I spend my days going through the motions, doing what I have to do, and when nighttime comes around, and I don't have anything or anyone to take care of. Everything I'm dealing with leaves the back of my mind and stares me in the face, and that's all I can think about. I start worrying about him, I start thinking about who he's with, and why I wasn't enough. Someone else is touching the man I used to make love with, and it doesn't seem right. I don't even know for sure, but I can make an educated guess. What was wrong with me then? What is wrong with me now? Even before him, I had gone through a lot, and I always made it through. You would think that by the time I met him, I would have had enough sense to RUN in the other direction.

So, after all this rambling, my point is: When I do make it through this, when I finally come out on the other side, am I still going to have those fears and thoughts? Is it always going to hurt when I think about him? Who is going to want someone so young with so much baggage? lol I feel so old. Are all my future relationships going to be tainted by this? Or hopefully just improved, because I've decided not to take anymore crap from people? I guess my biggest fear is the future. But I'm not really sure what to do with that.

WantsOut

You didn't marry him so it doesn't count as far as "real" baggage is concerned, imo.

You know what's weird for me? Realizing I haven't seen my first husband for like 15 years. We were married for goodness sake. Now I might have trouble picking him out of a lineup. Heh heh ... it just gets weirder as you get older hon

loveon2legs

Hi 4 leaf, I know how you feel, I'm just thinking time will take care of some of the hurts, although I'm sure some baggage will still be with me, but it has shaped me for who Iam, and I'm sure I will be alot stronger next time a relationship rolls around.. not so blind, and not so trustworthy.. and I am going to be more aware, and not get so caught up in the first fazes of a relationship...I just really want to focus on me, and get back to who I was before my AH, gotta long road ahead, and like you those thoughts will keep coming, but we've just gotta let them go..

Hang in there girl!
Lotsa love
LL2

Cynay

OMG... I just had a flashback.

Thank you SO much for sharing that with me....and sweetie... let me promise you... The older you get the better life is... at least that is my experience.

Lets answer these questions....

You will get through this when you do and not a second before, but you will not have those thoughts or fears... It will not always hurt, I look back now and none of them hurt sweetie... today I find the beauty in each relationship and I also see what I learned from them.

Who will want someone 20??? Cant believe you asked that one. Probably most men between 17 and 70 .... Baggage? You cant have that much of it at 20, trust me by the time you get to 40 you will have gotten and gotten rid of a ton more. Besides... what you call baggage, today I call experience. There is no way to gain wisdom, real wisdom without experience.... Its just life sweetie. See you already took something from this... you are not going to put up with crap....

Remember this: People are put into our lives for:

A Reason - to help us for a short time, to teach us maybe just to hold us when we needed it... Like stand in Angels. Also it could be that we were there to teach them.... but you have to accept that it was for a reason.

A Season - To maybe help us through a stage in life... Like my best friend when I was young, she was my support and I love her to death... today I dont know where she is but Im glad she was there at the time. My first husband.... went through hell with that one, but without him I would not have my daughter and the lessons he taught me are invaluable even thought they hurt... I talk to him to this day and it does not hurt.

A Lifetime - Perhaps a sister? A Bestfriend? Or... like a girl I work with. She and her husband have been together for 35 years.... Imagine that bond and experience.

There is a reason everyone of them have been and will be in your life. You have such great things to look forward too.... so get busy living, it will be over before you know it.

hope2bhappy

That's why we say, "one day at a time." Don't think of tomorrow, just concentrate on today. The future will fall into place.

chero

4Leaf, Reading this I thought, "Oh, no! She's lost herself!"
Who were we before this addiction entered our lives!? We were real, functioning, living people and I know you feel just like I do...we have to get those people back!
You are worried about the future but all you have is today! Today is your present :present:...so open it up! Quick, before it's gone! Sometimes you get what you want and sometimes not. The secret is to learn to make the most of the moment you are in. Let the future take care of itself. You can't do anything about it until it's wrapped up in your present! :present:
You don't know that tomorrow you won't feel better! And I'm believing you will!
Keeping you in my prayers! Much love!

MsGolightly

4Leaf, I myself am also young (23) and I often wonder if I will find someone again who can put up with everything I've gone through. Even though we're young, I know it's possible to have lots of baggage - probably more than most people twice our age who are living "normal" lives without A's.

I also find myself wondering where my A is, who she's with, wondering why I wasn't enough, wondering why someone else is enough for her, but I wasn't. I still deal with this and think about it every day, so I really have no advice to give, except to tell you that I'm going through this too. I cry A LOT, and I'm sure I'll get tired of it soon. There's nothing worse than lonely, sleepless nights, wondering what someone else is doing and knowing we have no control over it. I hate being alone, especially after having someone to sleep next to for several years. It's a hard adjustment, but someone else will come into our lives, when we're ready. Someone who appreciates us and doesn't make us wonder why we weren't enough.

I liked Cynay's post - everything happens for a reason. At some point down the road, we will probably learn from our relationships with our A's, and we will probably be thankful that we had them in our lives, for whatever reason we felt they were there.

We have a lot to offer. We'll both find happiness again some day! I'm positive of it. I hope to read more of your posts and how you're doing. This is definitely a struggle. Keep me posted... we can get through this together!

Sunflower

You made it this far--keep going.Part of you is maybe still grieving the loss of him and the relationship-even if it was bad...what can you do now??RELAX--for a change--no one to take care of now but yourself--keep busy.-if you meet a man and he loves you-he loves you no matter what. My step father married my mom with 2 small kids- and she was unable to have anymore children--thats real love--its out there...

cuttlefish

4leafclover, I feel the same way, except maybe things happened for me in reverse. I got more into my life, work and school the more worried I was about my A. But it does feel like all I'm doing is going through the motions, to keep myself from thinking.

I'm a few years older than you (23), but I can completely agree with feeling 'old'. Of course there are the stresses of choosing your life direction, and then you add the emotional crud from a relationship. I thought working and going to school, and being crammed in a house with 5 roommates was tough. Now I have a 'real' job, and just life and what the hell do to with my abf...so draining.

I think you'll find someone to be happy with, despite your 'baggage'. It really all rests on how you view yourself, cuz thats the sort of person you will attract. When you can understand and appreciate and love who you are, the person who will be your match will be the one who gets this, despite what you have gone through. You're only 20, you have a long life and a good head, I don't think you'll have a problem.

rivercitybelle

It's only baggage if you take it with you. It sounds more like stuff that needs to be sorted though to see if it had any value, if there was a lesson learned and the rest can just be left at the curb.
The future can be scary or a wonderful journey...
Make a choice to "live" in the future not get bogged down with fear.

mallowcup

It's a baggage full of knowledge. You know what others don't. That's an asset.