jo.ooster

hi my partner has many addictions shes on methadone and thats helped so much keeping her off the gear

but now she continually relapses on the drink she just come out of hospital

yesterday and couldnt wait to get a drink this is her story now for 23 yrs im constantly covering up for her to her folks and her x if he finds out she loses her 7yr old for three months which would push her deeper in to her addicitions i know that thinking with my heart is the wrong thing i should be thinking with my head the love issue makes it so confusing as to what i should do [which i know i cant do anything]she has been to all the rehabs all the councillours and every thing else out there even the fear of loosing her child does nothing i understand am an x user my self 4 yrs clean

i just dont know what else i can do just venting maybe who knows

any how thanx for listening

jo scange

StandingStrong

Congratulations on the 4 years clean!

There are some "double winners" on this board that have found Alanon to be beneficial for them as well as AA - on that note, I'd suggest that you attend Alanon as well.

Covering for her is simply enabling her to continue her behavior. And in the long run, that hurts her worse than it helps her. In the "Sticky" posts at the top of the forum, you'll find some very informative posts and information, such as the roles that we play when we are involved with an alcoholic as well as topics about enabling and more. I sure hope you check it out.

jo.ooster

what is alanon is that aa

thanx

best

Al Anon is a AA program that is geared towards helping us understand how to best deal with those around us who drink. Nar Anon is the same but geared towards drug addictions of all kinds...even alcohol.

I understand your concerns and what you think her 7 yr old being taken may do to her but I am also wondering is her 7 yr old staying the best thing for him/her?

Her actions or inactions can cause things to happen. If one of those things are her 7 yr old being removed... that is something she has brought on herself and it could be the best thing for the child to be removed at this time, as well as the best thing that may open her eyes to what she is doing to herself.
We don't know what will open her eyes but if you stand in the way of things trying to help, you could be slowing down the things that may need happen for her to see the truth. What would be best for the child? That is a separate issue and should be one that is thought on first. She will do what she will do till she makes a choice to seek answers.

mallowcup

If her child were a piece of furniture.....but it is a child. This woman knows the consequence, what she risks totally at the expense of her child. Doesn't that child deserve better? Aren't you the only one in a position to do something? You are covering more than just the using. You are clean and sober and your thinking is rational now. I hope what you see, helps you in your sobriety and see the person you do not want to be.
If you are confused because of love, I would be happy to end the confusion and take full responsibilty by telling you exactly what you should do. Do what is best for that child. A child should not be spent on an addicition. This is a child, not a prop or tool to be used.
I think you already know the position your partner has forced you into.
Please clarify something. You refer to this child as hers and you have been on the scene for 23 years? The child is 7. This is not your child?

jo.ooster

hi mallow cup the child is not my blood but it is my child

i have been on the scene 2 yrs she has told me of her past as have her family

her histiry goes back 23 yrs drugs alchol pills everything out there

DENIAL on her behalf is the biggest problem been thru every detox rehab councillor psycharist

her best attempt was 6mths not long after we meet we plan to marry

im here for the long hard road when she decides to take it i will support her

FormerDoormat

Well, with a history of 23 years of being an active addict, you may have to wait forever. That's a long time. Are you willing to wait until she decides to get clean? How about if she doesn't? I don't understand what you mean when you say the child is yours but you are not the father. Did you adopt her? Are you a same-sex couple and somebody else donated the sperm? Sorry, I'm a bit confused here.

jo.ooster

the child is not mine child is to her previous marriage i have taken the child on board in our relationship i also have 2 children i am male she is female

i continue to live my life i stay cause i love her and want to continue to help if i can and encourage her i dont think that abandening her would help any

FormerDoormat

Thanks for clearing that up. I'm a little slow sometimes....So, back to my previous questions:

Are you willing to wait until she decides to get clean? If so, how long? How about if she never gets clean?

These are the questions I had to ask myself. And ultimately, I had to find the answers myself. I hope you find the answers you seek. I think you'll find this forum most helpful in your quest.

Mr. Christian

The one true thing that you could do to help is…..step back.

TryingisDying

I agree...step back "with love"....she needs to bottom out....As every addict knows....you have to hit your bottom and you might just be stoping that(out of love) for her....step back and let her fall..Aren't you tired of "helping" ..its gets quit exhusting...take care of yourself go to meetings and let her hit her own bottom.....((HUGS))

jo.ooster

hi thanx tring is dying mr christian former doormat

i intend to stay around for as long as it takes i do agree with the step back i have thought that for a long time that she hasnt hit rock bottom

and yes is it extremly exhusting but that doesnt mean i should give up on her
i know it all has to come from her i just want to be there when it finally comes around i try and never give up hope regardless of the situation mat be my down fall who knows thanx again jo

despairingsair

Why do you have to hit rock bottom before you can be helped?? Nonsense!

BigGirlPanties

stop enabling would be a great help. You can learn how in alanon.

denny57

I believe we all hit our own personal bottom. Not some pre-defined horror filled bottom. I'd then define that as my "rock" bottom.

jo.ooster

hi denny 57 i agree totally i know when i was using i couldnt come clean till i hit rock bottom

TryingisDying

Everone has a point when they can't go on using...that for them is their bottom...anything before that usually won't work becasue they are not ready to give it up...the bad is not bad enough

jo.ooster

well said i pray that she will come to realise that sooner rather than later

to be totally honest i never imaniged being a supportive partner would be so demanding with so much pressure emotionally and physicaly drained

tring to keep the light at the end of the tunnel lite

thanx

justjo

I feel for you. When we love someone all we want to do is be there for them and help them.
There is a difference. Be there but let her help her self. Rock bottom is different for everyone.
Seeing their kids not trust them, the doctor telling them they will die in six months, loosing their home, may still not be rock bottom. People like this drown in their own self pity.
Sorry I wont apologize. They need a kick up the Asssss. A wake up call. But the wake up call is when No one is around to pick up the pieces.
My sister has been doing this for years. She is actually getting worse. Family have been there for her, looking after her children, pay the bills, clean up the filthy house, look after the dogs,etc, etc, etc,.
Why on earth would she want to give up booze, she has no responsibilities, only to drink herself to death. Now we dont do this anymore and she is not talking to us.
OK , so be it. We had our rock bottom too. Enough is enough.
We all decided she was on her own as far as her drinking went but she knows we are all still there when she needs us SOBER.

Good Luck, but you have to be strong and make this decision. Im not saying abandon her, Im saying let her grown up and be tough about it.

Selah

I agree you can still love an addict and be there fore them when necessary, but you are completely supporting this habit. She has no reason to stop you are there, you are openly admitting you will always be there, she knows you will look out for her child.
I let me Abf go yesterday, I am so torn up as is he, but for as many times as I've said "if you do this one more time" or " I can deal w/the relapses just not the lies" well the lies kept coming. I won't punish myself for his choices. I will love him and support him. But until he is healthy he cannot contribute to a healthy r/ship, and that would be MY r/ship - I deserve a good relationship for everything that I am willing to put in. But I'll never give up on him...I still have faith in him, even when he doesn't.