Detachment-be prepared for the consequences
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Detachment-be prepared for the consequences
We all talk about it, we all seek it, we all try to find it, but once we do - then what? I detached big time from AH. He tried the polite-but-cold behavior for two months. I mean, even a kinda-crummy roommate would have had more to talk about than the weather, the day's headlines, or the most mundane tasks at work.
I never got angry. I never asked for more. I just went about my business because that was the only business I could control.
He realized his attempt to control with this latest "act" wasn't making me behave as he wished. So he switched gears. He no longer speaks to me at all. He hates me. He just wants me to leave. Go figure, right? I'm not enabling, I'm not emoting, I'm not dancing the tango of death anymore.
Detachment is valuable for those of us with an A in our lives. Sometimes it gets them to stop their crazy-making behaviors. Sometimes they leave. Sometimes they just cut us off so we have no choice but to leave.
When you detach, don't do it with the mindset that they will change for the better. Just detach so you can feel free and BE free - regardless of the outcome.
I never got angry. I never asked for more. I just went about my business because that was the only business I could control.
He realized his attempt to control with this latest "act" wasn't making me behave as he wished. So he switched gears. He no longer speaks to me at all. He hates me. He just wants me to leave. Go figure, right? I'm not enabling, I'm not emoting, I'm not dancing the tango of death anymore.
Detachment is valuable for those of us with an A in our lives. Sometimes it gets them to stop their crazy-making behaviors. Sometimes they leave. Sometimes they just cut us off so we have no choice but to leave.
When you detach, don't do it with the mindset that they will change for the better. Just detach so you can feel free and BE free - regardless of the outcome.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
As with the tools we are provided and learn to use, detachment really is for us.
Great post prodigal.
Hopefully your post will give pause to someone to stop and think before they misuse detachment.
I know that early on in my own journey, I misused some of the tools because I misunderstood them, didn't quiite grasp the entire part of it, or just flat out misused the darn thing!
Again, thanks prodigal, your post makes excellent points.
Great post prodigal.
Hopefully your post will give pause to someone to stop and think before they misuse detachment.
I know that early on in my own journey, I misused some of the tools because I misunderstood them, didn't quiite grasp the entire part of it, or just flat out misused the darn thing!
Again, thanks prodigal, your post makes excellent points.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Part of my "detachment" has been not having very much contact with my AH.
The problem is that no matter how many times I have told him that I want to be alone right now, that I am NOT coming back to him, and that he needs to work on himself and not think about "us", he still calls a lot...I don't pick up 90% of the time, so he leaves a lot of messages.
Everytime I do speak with him, we start from square one...I have to explain it all over again...and this is TREMENDOUSLY PAINFUL FOR ME. I honestly do not know if it is because
1) he is incapable of comprehending what is going on
2) unwilling to accept what is going on/what I'm saying
3) doesn't remember what I already said
4) is hoping that I won't be strong enough to follow through and so is trying to get through to me by making me repeat myself
Or perhaps a combo of all of the above?
Whatever the case, it really does get to me. I can't get the image of him alone, dishelved, teary eyed, and confused out of my mind. sigh. I am still just so worried about him. And most of all, overwelmingly SAD for him.
I am still holding on. I know.
It's not that I think there's a chance for us to reconsiliate...I think it has more to do with that I just feel so friggin' bad for him I can't bring myself to cut off contact 100%.
But, really, what I am doing for him by maintaining this little bit of contact? I don't know. These are murky waters.
The problem is that no matter how many times I have told him that I want to be alone right now, that I am NOT coming back to him, and that he needs to work on himself and not think about "us", he still calls a lot...I don't pick up 90% of the time, so he leaves a lot of messages.
Everytime I do speak with him, we start from square one...I have to explain it all over again...and this is TREMENDOUSLY PAINFUL FOR ME. I honestly do not know if it is because
1) he is incapable of comprehending what is going on
2) unwilling to accept what is going on/what I'm saying
3) doesn't remember what I already said
4) is hoping that I won't be strong enough to follow through and so is trying to get through to me by making me repeat myself
Or perhaps a combo of all of the above?
Whatever the case, it really does get to me. I can't get the image of him alone, dishelved, teary eyed, and confused out of my mind. sigh. I am still just so worried about him. And most of all, overwelmingly SAD for him.
I am still holding on. I know.
It's not that I think there's a chance for us to reconsiliate...I think it has more to do with that I just feel so friggin' bad for him I can't bring myself to cut off contact 100%.
But, really, what I am doing for him by maintaining this little bit of contact? I don't know. These are murky waters.
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