darkdaysbehind

Hello all, just discovered this site last night and it's my first step in dealing with all the negative effects alcohol addiction of my deceased father and barely living brother has had on my life. My brother is a chronic alcoholic who finally got into his second stint in rehabilatation today after many attempts of trying. He's probably been willing for quite some time but the social system is slow in dealing with his problem. I find myself very upset and emotional now, he's 40 and has been living with my 74 year old mother for the past ten years and she has been the true enabler of his addiction. I've found it incredibly difficult being apart from them with the feeling of helplessness. My sister has been the one who has taken the brunt of the problems and I've just tried to be strong for them but now I realise the effects his drinking has had on me and I'm wiped out. It's amazing how much you think you are coping when in truth you're just keeping it together... barely. My family is total mess and has been for a very long time between my brother and father. I guess I've been bottling it up until now but I'm part of the disease too and I'm just realising how much. It's going to take a lot of work but it's better than it was yesterday and it'll be better tomorrow. It's a new chapter of healing and change and we can never go back to the way it was again. Any suggestions on how to convince my mother to get some help would be greatly appreciated. She tried alanon once years ago with me but never went back. I want to give my brother the best chance of healing when he gets out and I know we all need to be part of that.

That felt good!

wildhorse

Glad you also just found this site! I started yesterday and have learned so much! I use to think I was all alone with the disease and now I know that I'm not!

hope2bhappy

Welcome, Darkdays. Sounds like you're making a good start. If your mom won't go the the meetings with you, you could bring some of the literature home to her. You are not alone. Keep posting.

mallowcup

If your mom won't go to alanon, could you get her some good reading matrial on the subject? All you can do is present her with some options. You could get her some of the alanon reading material, I'm sure if you called them they could forward some suggested reading and maybe some literature. Unfortuantely, I'm sure your brothers dirnking is something she has learned to ignore or resign herself to. He's forty and living with his mother.
I think it wold be great to invite her to visit you, get her out of there for a bit. Any chance she'd sell and move?

cmc

Darkdaysbehind,
I like your screenname! It's so positive and from what I have read, you are on the right track. Keep reading all you can and posting here- as you have already seen, coming here to SR is a lifeline for many of us.
One way to encourage your mom to go to meetings is for you to share with her how much you benefit from them yourself. I find alot of people come because they see the changes in somebody else. Like others have already said...until then you can get her some good reading material.
Again, welcome to the forum.

appleblaster

I really like your username. Welcome.

parentrecovers

welcome, darkdaysbehind - i would think the best help you could give your mom is to set a good example by going to alanon yourself?

it's nice to meet you, keep posting!

blessings, k

lilac

Welcome to SR ! Please know that you are not alone in this......Have you tried al-anon for yourself? Sometimes the first meeting is not what you wanted, but try at least 6 they say......

darkdaysbehind

I'd like to thank all of you for the the kind words and maybe I can answer some of the questions and give a little more insight. Firstly my brother has been in detox since thursday and the facility is supposed to be very warm and loving according to my sister. My family are all in Ireland and I've been living in NYC for 12 years. I'm planning a trip home in the next few weeks to try and make some plans for my familys future post rehab. We have to get some alternative accommodation set up for my brother because there is just no way he can live at home anymore, it's not good for either my mother or brother. Anyway my mother is codependent and "won't put her son out on the streets," she's sick too from 40 years of dealing with the disease her way, IT'S NOT WORKING but she's old and a little set in her ways. As you pointed out mallowcup, it is something she has "resigned herself to" and we've been trying to convince her to sell the house for years but she wants to stay there so why shouldn't she? My sister lives close by and she is very strong and they promise me they are going to start going to educational meetings if not alanon just yet and I'm going to get some good reading material as a few of you suggested, I've already started printing out some threads from SR. On a personal level I thought I was coping quite well until thursday when I got word he was in, I just broke down and cried for hours. I didn't realise how bad I was but now I do and I intend to do something about it. I plan on looking locally for alanon meetings this week but this is great and every word I type seems to be helping and healing so it's a start. I just don't want to "detach with love" from my mother as well as my brother but I realise if she is going to keep enabling and tolerating, it will be something I'll have to do. Thanks again and I'll keep reading and posting.

Zoey

Did you check out the sticky's at the top where you started your thread?
Under "Classic Reading" you will find a list of very good books.

I am so glad you found us.

Do they have halfway houses over there? Do they have Salvation Army??
Perhaps your sister could check on those. Perhaps the Police dept would know.
Caring hugs

darkdaysbehind

That sticky sounds great, thanks so much Zoey. There isn't any state run halfway houses to the best of my knowledge but we do have salvation army. Capitalist, materialist Ireland is turning it's back on it's social beginnings in a lot of ways, none more so than dealing with addiction. We've had one of the fastest growing and successful economies in the world for over a decade but it's almost impossible to get help for an addict and this is in a country where it is estimated that one in ten are alcohol dependent, it blows my mind. We've been trying to get my brother help for years and now he is in a charitable organisation run by a caring catholic nun. He will be entitled to dole and when you're on the dole you are entitled to a rent allowance and my sister and I plan to help out too until he finds his feet so we'll see.

P.S. I'm so glad I found you.