StandingStrong

As newenglandgirl touched on - I believe that was part of the allure for me. Some time back I gave a lot of thought to the boys I dated or was attracted to in high school. The pattern began early!!!
Back then, I too thought the "nice guys" were boring. (that's sadly funny now) LOL
Today I realize that I'm NOT attracted to the "bad boys" anymore. Actually, I stear really clear of them! Perhaps I'd even venture to say that I'm a little anal about not getting close to anyone that is "dangerous" in that way! (Yea for me!)
But it really was enlightening for me when I realized that I'd had a pattern of picking the "bad boys". Of course, as a teenager, the reasons varied. As I'm sure they do for adults as well.

Interesting topic though as I believe there is alot of truth to the patterns in that subject.

Cynay

Ahhhh Parent.....

So there is hope for the rest of us???

I have the same issue. Im dating a nice guy and though I respect and admire him... we have a ton in common... it just does not seem to have the fireworks. That and Im not sure exactally how a healthy guy act or how much time they spend with you? Its a learning experience... Im trying to go into without expectations and just enjoy the moment.

Another thought too.... have you noticed of the nice guys out there... the B#*@* usually gets them? I can not tell you how many nice guys I know whos wifes are unbelievable....

StandingStrong

Ya know Cynay, I've heard that same thing said for us codies. Us "nice girls" end up with the "bad ones" just as the "nice guys ended up with the *&^*&^'S. Guess maybe that's just proof there's codie men as well.

LiLL

When sober, my AH is/appers to be an extremely nice guy. His colleagues love him, my parents love him, my friends find him so sweet and easy-going....
Sometimes watching him "being soooo nice" scares me. i feel that he's feeling very insecure about himself and very guilty about his drinking, so he always tries to please others and me when he's not drinking.

i_love_cake

Strange how there are only a handful of men here dealing with an AexW/GF. Let's talk about slippery women! I'm j/k.

In all seriousness, we are all burdened with some sort of baggage. My "hero complex" no longer exists and I believe that's a good thing for now.

I will admit I've never been a nice guy as far as standard labels go. I'm not attracted to nice/wholesome women. I passed up a relationship with a VERY sweet caring woman before I started dating my AexGF. I talk to her once in awhile and always tell her that she dodged a bullet..lol. She's married now. I truly wish she is happy.

CodeMaster

All about balance right? Find the HEALTHY guy, the one who is fun and exciting and good looking AND nice all together.

I used to think it was only one or the other but destiny on my birthday sent me a grand date of whom became my girlfriend today and I am telling you, she is EVERYTHING from intelligence to energy to sexiness.

Anyhow... to answer your question more directly, who likes the boring nice guys who has no story to share except he grew up in village town, the bad guys have the social skill, smart, and lots of stories and excitement. Who wouldnt want a bad guy or girl!!!!

But the trick is, find the exciting (but not too exciting) one who is naturally super healthy. They do exist, never settle, always go for what you dream of!

lillamy

I wish I had listened to what my Mama said.
"It's amazing how you always fall for guys who need helping in some way!"

To me, that wasn't true -- when she said it. I fell for guys who got in trouble for standing up for what they believed in. I fell for guys who didn't care what people thought, they had to stand up for whatever their cause was. They weren't "weak" or "in need of help" -- they were strong, committed men, who believed in something.

And then, after they were all worn out believing in stuff all day long, they wanted to come home to me and be pampered and told how fabulous they were. Or bitch and moan and be told how the world had wronged them but I understood them, only I.

Codependent much? :lol

See, dating a healthy person is scary. An alcoholic needs you (or at least attaches him/herself to you as if s/he does). Someone who's healthy might leave you -- and that's too scary a prospect...

parentrecovers

i was with my "bad guy" for over 10 years. my current "nice guy" had it pretty rough in the beginning of our relationship - i was controlling and not very trusting and could have just as easily chewed him up and spit him out as accepted that i deserved such kind treatment. he was and continues to be patient, thank goodness. i was damaged goods after so much abuse from living with an mean alchoholic..

mushroom

I like the unhealthy ones because I'm scared of the good ones! I was raised ignored and worthless and now I have to undo all that. I see a guy who looks all together, and I'm scared off. I'm a mess myself, no way he'd be interested in me and I've had several lifetimes worth of rejection just from my childhood so I avoid rejection at all costs. The ones who look like they might 'settle' for me turn out to the the alkies and codies and other unhealthy souls.

And I just wouldn't know how to behave around someone normal! my own normalness is all a carefully balanced act and it could fall apart so easily under the slightest scrutiny ... just too often I try talking to someone, anyone, male or female, and find I have no idea what they're talking about or what they expect of the interaction or how to respond or what to say to them. Who'd want that in their life??? I don't even want that in my life and it's my life!!!

joesentme

For me, it’s a "familiarity" thing...

Imagine sitting in a room with someone from a foreign country, who's language you didn't speak, who's culture ( and up bringing), you didn't understand...wouldn't it be hard to really connect, feel comfortable with them?

I was raised around *Bad Boys*. we speak the same emotional language. I understand them, and they understand me. Not saying its a good thing, but that’s really what I think the draw is for me.

God Bless,
JSM

TexasGirl

Sigh......me too. I have a bad habit of "picking down" so that I am on top in some way. Course that doesn't work out. I just can't seem to grasp that I might could have what I would consider an equal partner. I have to have at least one up on them. It's been education, attractiveness, baggage, or availability. Something. I have to have something on them. Weird.

splendra

4th of July and New Years come but once a year...

Why do I think I need fireworks everyday? Knowing what I know now do I want someone with fireworks or someone with substance? Do I want someone who will want to be with me or someone who will be going to the bar or out hunting for dope or other women to light their fire?

embraced2000

wellllll......we may all think we are sooooo messed up....but in reality, even the ones that may appear to be the good guy, or "normal" have issues, too.

we see examples everyday in our own communities where we live. couples who appear to have it all.....but suddenly a big ole crisis explodes in their lives and all the baggage is drug out into the light....and everyone is just stunned????

maybe we are being a wee bit too hard on ourselves.....i think i get into the habit of overthinking myself too much sometimes.

everyone, everyone has issues of some sort. some just hide it better beneath the facade.

that is how i feel today, anyway. give me 15 minutes, and i'll be all confused again.....lol

i'm aware this is somewhat of a simplistic reasoning....but for today, it's gonna work for me.

Nuudawn

Just another thought, there is a difference between nice or kind..and the spineless eager to please sort - I can stand those, and quite frankly they turn me into a complete shrew who I can't stand! I truly believe there is something inherent in us sometimes that actually seeks emotional abuse. I know that there was a period in my last relationship where I realized that my now ex "needed" me to be nasty. It started to freak me right out. All the women he has kept in his life are just generally mean to him and "use" him. Truth be told...our relationship started out that way...I had no interest in the man, wanted something from him and liked all the wining and dining and places he took me. He just couldn't do enough for me. Once I started to really fall for the guy and started to reciprocate in kind...guess who started to pull away? ARGH...this is not the first relationship I've had like this..the old "C'mere, Go Away"...yuck.

lilac

With me, I have realized it is the need to "fix" someone.

devil_angel

I can relate to everyone, I am so not used to dating a nice, normal guy. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Plus it makes me have to focus on different aspects of the relationship and do different things than I had to with my ex. I cant really explain, it just is different. I also feel like I am flawed, probably because I am so messed up from my last relationship. I am emotional, confused, and dont know what a normal relationship even looks like. But the nice thing about nice guys is they seem to have patience and understanding. Thanks god for that, because I think I would run from myself if I were a guy. Ok maybe not, I am pretty cute and sweet, just a little confused! I think its much harder for me than it is for the new guy actually.

dobiediva

Well my A is the first "bad boy" I've ever been with and altho' its been one hell of a ride I can honestly say there has not been one single BORING moment. MOST of the guys I've dated throughout my life were typical "nice" guys. I've always loved the rugged bad boy image but not the lifestyle and til my A never dated anybody who lived the lifestyle. My exhusband was gorgeous, sweet, charming, kind, caring, generous...etc etc. We never fought. He was a good provider. We had a perfect life for 12 years. And we were BORED TO DEATH!!!! He ended up having an affair (that surprisingly didn't bother me as much as knowing he was leaving me for her and my "perfect world" was going to crumble--she dumped him a month later NAH! NAH!). So maybe I found my A so I wouldn't have ANY expectations?? I had "perfection" and it didn't cut it. I feel more chemistry and "fireworks" with him than any other person I have ever been with. During two of our breakups I dated two other guys--both extrememly good looking and well set in their lives. One bored the heck out of me and the other turned me off because he felt the need to always make sure I was ok, I was comfortable, I was happy, I was....ARGH! Too clingy in my opinion (and he CONSTANTLY called me the stupid PET NAMES!! I HATE THAT!!). The whole time I was with both of these seemingly perfect guys I missed my A TERRIBLY. My A smells good, looks good, has the sexiest voice and the prettiest blue eyes, he's hysterically funny, is NEVER boring, will never leave because I'm the best darn enabler he's ever had LOL....but he's an A. So I guess I'll just never be happy with what I've got. Guess I'd better fix that!!

CatsTail

Wow maybe that's what I should do with this one, really lay my feelings out on the table and see how he reacts to it. If it starts the pull away game I'll RUN!

Cat