dobiediva

Well I was doing SO well and was SO PROUD of myself. Then last night he sent me a text message (at midnight) asking if he could come over. I told him no (we have been talking and I've made it very clear that I will not be with him anymore if he doesn't stop drinking BLAH BLAH BLAH. He said he would quit--sure right. Heard that before.) So I went to bed. We were having one heck of a blizzard last night and it was white out conditions most of the night. Well I fell asleep shortly after his message and was awakened by my dobie barking at 1am. I heard someone knock on my bedroom window. I ignored it. A couple minutes later he knocked again. Not wanting the kids to wake up at 1am to the dogs barking (that doberman bark will scare the bejeebers out of anyone!) I opened the front door where he was waiting. He was soaked and covered in snow. It was snowing so badly I couldn't even see the street 50 feet away. He asked where my shovel was so he could shovel my driveway. Its' 1am!!! I have someone who will plow it in the morning. WTF was he doing here?! I asked him that and he said he misses me terribly and just wanted to see me for a little bit, even if I kick him out and make him leave. He just wanted to talk to me and be with me. He asked if I wanted him to leave. (YES!!!) But I felt bad about the blizzard and horrible road conditions. (he only lives 6 minutes up the road and it took him about 25-30 minutes to get here) He smelled like beer but wasn't drunk. I was so angry that he was there in the first place! He asked if he could stay and I muttered "Whatever" and went back to bed. He followed me to the bedroom and slept here last night. He tried to talk me into getting back with him. Told me how much he loves me and how he misses me, blah blah blah. (I've heard I love you more in the last week than in the last year!!) I told him to start browsing through his beloved personal sites. He would surely replace me quickly as he's a great looking guy. He said he's not interested in anybody but me. He's in love with me. I told him there is someone else out there stupid enough to put up with his sh*t and he replied "Not as well as you!" Well to make a very long night and story short we fell asleep. He was cuddly and sweet and just tore my heart right out. This morning I told him that him staying here in no way implies we are back together or that I want to be with him. I did it out of pity. He couldn't believe I didn't change my mind (I wasn't so sure, but tried my best to convince him I was sure!).
All day long now I've been missing him. It was so nice to have him here last night. The sweet affectionate man I love so much. The man I rarely get to see because of the drunk. He was very sweet in his messages to me today too.
Its going to be hard now to stay from him, but that is still my intention. I think if he continues to drink and to pursue me I will have to go no contact. If he does, however, appear to want to stop drinking and starts a program of recovery I will be less inclined to write him off. I guess that's what it will boil down to.
I just blew 10 days of recovery and feel like I'm starting over again.

Cynay

There you go. You get a gold star for being the best Codie he has every had till now.... I imagine that is hard to give up.

You did not blow 10 days of recovery, you slipped and need to get back in the right frame of mind. I REALLY know how just seeing them can make your heart beat quicker for hours.... remember as addicted as he is to Alcohol, that is how addicted you are to him.... so the battle you are asking him to fight is also the battle you yourself are not winning. Make sense?

There was no other way for me to do it then No Contact.... I have the same kind of issues today... if I need the no contact or not in other situations. It all boils down to loving yourself first and sometimes that means making the really hard decisions to protect yourself at all cost.... even the cost of your emotions and love.....

StandingStrong

Dobie, I've slipped more times than I can count. And I'd usually fall a few steps before I'd stop myself. I'd slip and before I knew it, I was right back where I started - second guessing myself!
So, then I'd have to refocus on myself and my recovery and begin again.
It wasn't easy and it took alot of time - but it was worth it to find a more peaceful life.

So....you slipped. Okay. Now you refocus and get back to your recovery. One step at a time, one moment at a time, and one day at a time.

dobiediva

I guess the good news is we aren't expecting any snow in the next couple days. I have no problem sending him out in the cold! LOL Thanks guys.

parentrecovers

progess, not perfection. hang in there, dobiediva. blessings, k

Nuudawn

I'm glad you posted Dobie. I too saw my ex last week (for very complicated reasons I did not then understand). It took me two weeks of deep thought and prayer before I decided to see him and I knew that it would more than likely resurrect my feelings and attachment for him as we've only been split 6or 7 weeks...and it did. After seeing him I was lost in a glossy reverie about him up until yesterday...I too am starting again. I am not sorry I saw him and in hindsight I know I had to do as I did. At the time I went to see him my greatest fear was risking my own sobriety (also only 6 or 7 weeks along) but I had to see him to strengthen my sobriety actually. At any rate, seeing them does set you back...way back sometimes....but boot straps back up and try again "no contact".

CodeMaster

Hey, I have slipped with my ex for the entire 3 years I was dating her!! I remember coming home after 3/4 moths of living together (I am such a codie we moved in after a month knowing each other!!!). I thoguht to myself, **** I cant take this anymore, I'm going to open this door (coming home) and tell her we have to break up. I did exactly that, and each time I tried to break up, she would sweet talk, seduce, cry, beg until I would change my mind. It would get so tiring I just want to give up and let her have her way, not to mention, my codie self of wanting to try to "save" her, but on top of that, I was lonely. All forumulas to making it very difficult to leave...

I wish I knew the formula to how to break things off hard and clean, but in the end it was her that left me, I never had the strength to leave her! She saved my life by doing it, even though it was the most soul breaking moment for me personally.

Your lucky you found this forum while trying to leave, maybe if I did that, I wouldve learned how to do it!!! I didnt know she had a drug / alcohol problem until near the end... I didnt even know what an alcoholic was really...

lilac

I have slipped so many times, it is not funny. Backslide a little, keep moving forward. It'll be o-kay.

BigGirlPanties

When our actions match our words, thats when we enforce boundaries.

We teach people how to treat us by our actions. When we say no, but later allow them to wear us down, and let them in,our action has just said yes.

Guess which they believe? And they do what works to get what they want....like showing up at 1 am.

dobiediva

He definitely knows how to give me what I want to get what he wants. I'm borderline wanting to take him back. This man he's been the last few days is the hard person to leave. The alcoholic is easy to leave. The man he is when we aren't together is the one I want to be with, but can't be with him unless we are apart. (How stupid is that?!) In the past its always been his way back in. I know it will end up the same if I take him back. Things will be fantastic for awhile, then it will be the same ol' same ol' again. My heart is ready to reconcile, but my brain is screaming " WHAT IS YOUR F'ING PROBLEM??? THIS GUY IS A LIAR, CHEATER, DRUNK..." and everything else my brain starts to scream when I start to weaken. He hasn't contacted me at all today and it hurts again. I know I told him to go away and we were done. When I PUSH him away I am ok. When he stays away, I'm not. I need him to be a jerk again so I can get mad and be strong for a little while. Then it has to be no contact completely. That's the only chance I have.

WantsOut

I've NEVER slipped EVER :P lol

dobiediva

Wants Out you crack me up Thanks for the smile!

StandingStrong

Remember - for many of us - we are addicted to the alcoholic just as they are addicted to the alcohol.

So brush yourself off, get back on the horse, and go about seeking your recovery. The ride may get bumpy and there might be times we hurt from the journey - but the place of serenity we arrive at will be worth the fall in the end.

dobiediva

I know I'm certainly addicted to him. That little "taste" is always more than I can handle. I'm still fighting...weakened but fighting! This weekend will be hard because I won't have my kids and I know he will want to come over or hang out together. I have an alanon meeting on saturday so there's one thing to keep me away from him. Hmmm....maybe I can see if he'll go to the AA meeting held at the same time. Would give him an excuse to see me for a little while. Oh There I GO AGAIN!!!!

dollydo

So, you have a free weekend...what are your plans, for you...you don't need to hang around the house, you have friends, family make plans with them.

Yes, you are slipping...what are you going to do about it? One step backwards, take two steps forwards....

Dolly