Trixxie72

I'm so lost. I dont know what to do or where to go from here. I just found this board tonight and this is my first post, so please bear with me as I will probably write a novel.

We have been together over a year. I've felt he was the One from almost the beginning. He treats me like a queen and is everything I have always wanted in a man. I've been waiting a long time for him. I thought it would never happen. Being a wife and mother is all I have ever really wanted out of life, so you can imagine, at almost 35, I'm feeling a little anxious. He does know that I feel this way and that I want to marry him. He has said (sober) he is pretty sure I am the One also, but isnt ready yet, and I have been ok with that, as I know he does love me very much. In the past, for the most part, I have picked the wrong men...the ones who dont treat me very well. I guess I am a bit of a co-dependent myself.

At any rate....I have suspected from almost the very beginning that he has a drinking problem. He did tell me when we first started dating that he used to drink a lot of beer because he was depressed and lonely, but that since he had met me that depression had been lifted. When he continued to drink often (anywhere from 2 to 4 nights a week) I wondered...hmm...why is he drinking if he's not depressed anymore?

There have been times where I think he is lying. Not about important things...little things. Things he would have no reason to lie about. Usually when he's had a few, but sometimes even when sober. I will ask him a direct question and he will give me a round-a-bout answer or avoid it altogether and try to change the subject. This drives me nuts. I’ve also suspected on a couple of occasions that he is hiding his drinking from me as well. He prefers beer, but I think he will have some hard liquor at times as well, as the bottle of brandy he bought for me that is in his cupboard has gradually dwindled to almost nothing. When asked, he accuses me of drinking it…I don’t care for liquor anymore – he bought me the brandy for menstrual cramps and that’s the only time I drink it.

He's not a mean or violent drunk, generally. He's a happy one, but stupid too, and that drives me up a wall. I'm not a very patient person, I get irritable easily, and the stupidity combined with the difficulty in communicating with him while he's drunk makes me crazy. I usually try to hide my irritation, but sometimes it gets the best of me and of course, I lash out or make a comment about his drinking. It is then, that he gets angry. Suddenly, I am the one with the problem - apparantly I have a problem with people who drink. He doesnt have a problem - I do. He then accuses me of having a drug problem myself, as I do take prescription painkillers for back pain. I can honestly say, the painkillers are not a problem and never have been. I do have legitimate pain and have never taken more than is prescribed, in fact I always have leftovers at the end of the month. Opiates dont make me groggy like most people, so I couldnt take them to get high if I wanted to.

But...I guess I am a hypocrite because I smoke pot too. We have discussed this - me being stoned doesnt bother him...but his being drunk DOES bother me. I dont feel this is fair to him but I'm aware that they are two separate issues. This is something I struggle with because...how is it right for me to judge him, when I am no different? I've even tried to "bargain" with him....you know...hey I'll quit if you quit type of thing. That hasnt worked. He doesnt really seem interested.

So this has been going on for about a year. Many times he would be drunk up to 4 nights a week. The night before Thanksgiving a few months ago everything came to a head. Sometimes when he is drunk he gets a bit defensive about things...for example, I will tease him or joke with him...sometimes using sarcasm (just my personality, mind you - and not teasing regarding the drink or anything) and he will accuse me of 'being mean' or something. This also gets on my nerves because normally, sober, he wouldnt take offense at all, just laugh or give it right back to me. Other times he will say he was just joking (about being defensive) usually after he sees the irritation on my face. It's very frustrating - I never know if he's being serious or just kidding.

Anyway, so this night before Turkey Day, it was around midnight, we were at his house (I had been staying at his place continuously for a few months, but still kept my apartment). I had a friend that was going to join us for dinner the next day and I had been doing some prepping. He pulled his little defensive act on me in his drunken state....to which, in my frustration I told him to "go have another beer". Well...he lost it. Started mumbling to himself about how well he treats me (he does) and does things for me (he does). But then, prompted to tell me to get the F out. I was completely taken aback - he'd never said anything remotely like this before. We argued about it, and he continued to tell me to pack my sh*t and get the F out. I refused. I knew he didnt want that and I told him so. I told him I would discuss it further with the Sober Boyfriend tomorrow, because the Sober Boyfriend wouldnt want me to leave. I asked him if he meant we were over and he said yes and even threatened to call the police on me after 30 minutes if I didnt leave. Whatever! We sat quietly for ...I dunno 15 minutes, at which point, being the provoker that I am, asked him if he'd like me to get the phone for him. He looked at me as though he didnt know what I was talking about!! He had this blank look on his face as if nothing had ever happened....when it finally dawned on him 30 seconds later, we argued a bit more, albeit somewhat more restrained. Til eventually I told him I would leave the next day if he still wanted me to, but I was NOT going to pack up MONTHS worth of stuff and drag it home at 1 am. He said he was a "reasonable" man so he agreed. If I wasnt so hurt, I would have laughed at this, because sober, he IS a reasonable man...I just said "yes, I know you are". And that was that. He passed out.

As I was sitting there....I realized....if I stayed - not only would I be condoning his behavior but I wondered if he would even have any respect for me after that. Because sober, I knew, he would be horrified at the way he treated me. (He holds a very high regard for women in general, and would stick up for any female in trouble without a second thought.) I also knew I would lose some of my own self-respect. So I packed up ALL my stuff and left. It took me 3 hours and a lot of courage, but I did it. He had no idea....he had woken up and gone to bed at one point, and thought I was just gathering just a few things to take home for the night.

I was so upset. I ended up dropping my stuff off at home...and got right back in the car and took off to Oregon - an 18 hour drive - to see my mom.

I got an "I'm so sorry" text the next day, but I ignored it. He called the day after that and ignored that as well. He left a very remorseful message and also mentioned his mom was in the hospital. I ended up calling him that night - I knew he'd be worried about me and wanted to make sure his mom was ok. He cried and said how sorry he was....he had no idea of some of the things he'd said to me. Which just made him cry harder. My heart went out to him. He said he couldnt even believe the things he was saying, as he was saying them, but he just couldnt stop. I admitted that I started it with the comment I made and he mentioned that if I would have just come up to him and kissed him, he probably would have softened right then and there. Not sure if I believe that, but knowing him (he really is a softy in his sober state) it could very well be possible. I had honestly considered it, but a person can only hear "get the F out" so many times.

When I came back from Oregon, we talked some more, made up and he agreed to stop drinking. He said he didnt know why he couldnt just stop at two, but that he didnt think he was an alcoholic. He said he was going to have to do some soul-searching and figure out what was going on. He admitted he knew I didnt have a drug problem - he was just being hurtful. He started to drink some NA beer instead and when I asked if that was satisfying to him and he said yes, I had some hope. But within 10 days he had bought a beer again. When I asked him what was up with that, it was "oh I was going to talk to you about that". I was upset - he should have talked to me BEFORE buying it, not after. We did talk about it, and wanting him to enjoy something that he likes, I said it was ok, but we agreed to 2 being his max. Then he would start asking me if he could have one as he was going to the fridge and starting to open one. I finally asked him why he even asks me if he's going to do it anyway and he never asked again. And now, gradually it is now back to how it was before Thanksgiving. And I was back to staying with him all the time. Bad...I know. Mom warned me this would happen. She's an adult child of an alcoholic.

I know there are times where I provoke him. I dont want to "mother" him and tell him he cant have any. But when he drinks too many, I cant stand it. So...Wednesday night we got into it again. One of the things that bothers me the most, is that when he's drunk, he is ALL FOR marrying me. Says things like, "oh you know we are going to be together", and "You know you will be my wife one day". I dont hear this when he's sober. Sometimes he'll drop a hint or two, but nothing so bold like when he's been drinking. Regretfully, this night, I even participated in looking at rings with him (this first time that had come up) while he was drunk, against my better judgment. Eventually, his drunkeness had me climbing walls, and I eventually left the room because I couldnt hide my irritation anymore. I can only take someone accusing ME of confusing HIM so many times....it couldnt possibly be that he cant comprehend what I'm saying because he's drunk. I wanted to let it slide since he hadnt been drunk in over a week. He had had a couple beers here and there, but not drunk.

So...he came out and asked me what was wrong. I told him he didnt want to hear my answer. He asked again, I told him, it started getting heated and he accused me of being unreasonable. Well that was all he had to say. THIS TIME when it started to escalate, I wasnt going to allow myself to be treated this way yet AGAIN, I grabbed the few things that I had brought this time (wasnt making THAT mistake again) and started to leave. He accused me of punishing him for last time. I knew I should have just walked out, but I didnt and stayed and argued with him more. This time he accused me of having a problem with drugs again. I got furious - and he knew it - and knew he had already told me he didnt really think that, so this time threw a twist in - I dont have a drug problem, per se - I have a problem with people who do drugs. Laughable...how could I possibly have a problem with people who do drugs...WHEN I SMOKE WEED?! I mean the irony was just coming at me left and right. There were times when he would soften a bit and say he didnt want to fight (I am quite sure he wasnt going to let himself kick me out again - he hasnt forgotten last time). But then he started bringing up stuff that had nothing to do with the subject at hand, and that was it for me. I left.

Unfortunately I had forgotten a couple of items I needed...I had to go back. He was in bed - I just went in and grabbed what I needed, walked back out, and as I was locking the door, he opened it. No longer mad, but saying that we loved each other and that was more important than the things I'd forgotten...(huh?). He wanted me to stay, but I told him no....I needed to be alone. He kept getting me to try and stay, saying he needed me and our bed needed me, but I was too angry at this point...and I left.

We did not talk yesterday. He texted me today, and I pretended for a few that everything was ok. If I would have continued like that he probably would have too, but eventually let him know that it wasnt and I wasnt going to pretend. He had made plans to set up his new computer this evening and play his MMO (he's a gamer as well). I was upset by this...feeling as though that's more important than me and us, and working things out. He called to tell me it wasnt....he was still upset with me and needed to blow off some steam by playing his game. Personally, I think he wanted to drink.
He also wanted me to consider that his feelings were hurt also. I told him I had, but was not really sure why. I know I contributed to the argument, and some of the points he brought up when we were arguing had validity. But when I mentioned to him that I didnt like him drunk he spewed back that I didnt like him at all. And that broke my heart to hear that. He knows that isnt true.

So....we are supposed to talk tomorrow night, as he has some things to take care of tomorrow. I'm still angry and hurt. So is he apparantly. And this time the tables are turned – he didn’t kick me out - I left willingly and I think he is hurt that I didn’t stay. I dont know where to go from here. I dont know what to say. I want to stick by him and support him, and to be honest, I'd be devastated if we were to go our separate ways. But I know he's in denial. Having said that, I'm not ready to give up yet either....I love him. What can I say? I still want to marry him...but not the drunk him. The man I fell in love with.....maybe I'm in denial too. I don’t think I have the strength to leave him…I’m completely happy with him other than this issue.

I dont think he did any 'soul-searching' and part of the problem is probably me...I gave him another chance too easily. He didnt hold up his end of the bargain, but then again, if I'm going to be a pushover, who can blame him?

What do I do? What do I say? What is the correct way to handle this? How do we get past this? How do we have productive communication when I know he's going put some of it back onto me, as if I'm to blame? What do I say when he incorrectly accuses me of having a negative paradigm towards people who drink in general? Does he maybe have a point? Am I being a hypocrite?

I'm sorry this is so long...I just dont know what I'm supposed to do or say to get him to understand …or how to fend off the accusations that I know are coming.

If any of you have read all this and have any advice, I could sure use some. Thanks for listening.

dollydo

Welcome,

I get a gold star, I did read the entire post! He,He.

Well, pot is an illegal drug, and you feel that it's ok for you to break the law by smoking an illegal drug but you blast him for drinking a legal substance. Sounds kinda hypocritical to me.

If you are not addicted to MJ then why don't you just give it up, and make a pact with him, I won't smoke, you don't drink...and agree for both of you to seek recovery...go to meetings. If you are serious about recovery, you can do it.

I see red flags jumping out all over your post. Time for you both to seek some help,and, start rowing in the same direction.

Keep posting, keep reading others posts, it will help.

Dolly

lilac

Welcome, I agree with Dolly.....

Keep posting , read the stickies, get some help for you and him.....

(((Hugs)))

LiLL

I'm sorry for your pain. I can relate to that feeling: you can't live without him and you can't live with him. Please get help for yourself first (you're already aware you're a codependent). Only if you both recover, your relationship will have a chance to grow. Let it begin with you.

denny57

hi trxxie, glad you're here. i also read your whole post :-)

you say this:

and then say this:

When you say "everything I have always wanted in a man," does that include one who will tell you to "get the F out?" This is not loving behavior. I think a good clue is in your statement about feeling anxious at the age of 35 of never meeting the "right one." Have you ever sought professional help to discuss the poor choices you say you've made in men?

Keep reading and posting. Lots of support, experience, strength and hope here.

WantsOut

Personally I don't think you should tie your getting stoned to his drinking. They are two different issues. I do see smoking pot as different because it is not debilitating and it's not anywhere near as bad a health risk (and I personally don't care that it's illegal). However we all have known people who felt they had to smoke all the time and that is an issue - why the compulsive behavior? If that's what's going on with you then you need to examine your own stuff - I think often people who smoke a lot of weed really need an anti-depressant and just don't know it. Also it's a red herring that he will never stop pointing to in dealing with, or should I say avoiding, his own issues.

I have to be honest - when i read posts like yours all I want to say is dtmfa. (google it if you don't know what it means). Maybe it's cause that's the conclusion I came to when I was at the end of my rope. And look at you, only a year into this. You could cut and run right now and save yourself like a decade of heartache ... I wish I had when I was a year in and questioning things like you are.

Good luck hon! Keep reading, posting, and thinking.

mallowcup

I think rather than picking through the right and wrong of each particular, I'd get to some alanon meetings. This will start to give you some healthy thinking which will require you to step back and reassess the total effect of his drinking on your life and how you react to it.

newenglandgirl

I agree with WantsOut.
I too wish I had started questioning when I only had a year into the relationship. My AH's drinking has only progressed. Believe what you read here. You have some great insight NOW. Trust your gut Trixxie!