Pick-a-name

I'm STILL having them.........the more I surrender,the more I am able to accept the reality. I've been fighting it for many years. I suspect I have many more 'ah-ha' moments yet to come.

done2

This is just so sad but true. I just went through one of these vacations. I just did the Al-anon Self Test posted here. Oh my.

DesertEyes

Ex-wife and I were at a fancy dinner for the VP of a customer. Big contract, lots of money on the table. Ex-wife was getting on famously with the VP, glamming him up in that way she is famous for. I was chatting with the VP's wife, just across the table at this fancy restaurant. The VP's wife seemed distracted, she kept glancing over at her husband and my wife who were just giggling away.

I stopped glamming up the VP's wife and for just a minute I payed attention to the words that were going between my wife and the VP, the jokes they were sharing, the intimate details they knew about each other.

The VP's wife turned to look at me and in that instant, in the deep, crushing pain I saw in her eyes I knew that the VP was having an affair and that the VP's wife knew it.

What hurt me to the core was that in my denial, in my "codie-itis", I was helping my wife "cover up" the affair under the cloak of business. I was asisting thru inaction, being a part of the "audience" that helped keep the appearance of business in the relationship. That's when I realized that my disease of codie-itis had eroded my moral values to the point where I would condone the destruction of somebody else's marriage in order to "get the contract".

That's how far my disease had taken me. Alcoholics wind up living in dumpsters, I realized that I'd rather live in a dumpster than carry the guilt of being a part of destroying somebody else's marriage. I could always blame my wife's behavior on the pills, I had no excuse for my own behavior.

Mike

an'ka

For me it was a combination of things--incessant collection notices for checks used at a liquior store; credit cards with nothing but liquior charges on them; perpetual unemployment and sleeping until 5,6,7 or 8 at night; having horrible arguments well into the night (mind you, I hate, hate, hate fights) when AH came home incoherent.

Most importantly, realizing that AH will drink his gigantic bottles of wine even when left alone with our infant.

When I realized that my life started resembling that of my unemployed, crisis ridden clients, I decided that I deserve a whole lot better than what I was getting.

wild.rice

It was the end of his year of sobriety. He was sober for almost all of 2005, but he started drinking/using/gambling right around Christmas. I spent all of 2006 watching everything unravel again. When I came home one night several weeks ago, my two boys (ages 10 and 8) were up in their room crying their little hearts out over some over-the-top discipline ... getting really yelled at for the dumbest thing ever. Their hearts were truly broken ...

That's when I found this site, and I'm not looking back.

queenteree

My ah-ha moment was when my AH was diagnosed with significant liver disease and told to stop drinking or he would die within 5 years and not a pretty death, and he still keeps drinking. Heck, if the man doesn't care about his own life, there's no stopping him. So sad, this thing called alcoholism.

HolyQow

I think the realization comes in small amounts, there is no one ah-ha moment. Then looking back, we are able to add up all of those moments. That hind-sight should be fixed.

In the back of my mind, I knew I was miserable, I didn't really know what the problem was, and I knew my kids were also having problems coping. Then I narrowed it down to weekends. Then I narrowed it down to after he drank 4 beers. It was a process of elimination for me. Like a math logic problem, eliminate the things it can't be, and WHAM there was the real problem. It was also like stock piling ammunition.....that I heaved on him all at one time. When I realized he didn't remember half of the miserable things he had said/done/lied/passed out/got sick then I knew more. Like most on here, sure he drank in the beginning, and I thought nothing of it. But as it progressed, so did the problems. Vacations were a nightmare. Arguments were more frequent. And the kids were spending alot of time hiding in their rooms.

Then I said allowed one day "it is his problem" and some huge weight lifted off of my chest so I could breathe again. I am proud that I did that even before finding this place. Then when I found this place, I knew I did the right thing.

I also think the thing I have the most trouble with, is the amount of time this disease takes. It takes years for this problem to progress, years to figure out that there is a problem, years to get the A to admit to the problem, and years and years for him to deal with his problem. I think I am one that wants immediate results. Here's the problem, here's the cure, done. It's just so slow, and I don't know how much patience I have left, but I refuse to let this disease take me down with it.

It's so true whoever said above, at least the A has a reason for being the way he is. We don't get that luxury....being codependant doesn't have any rewards and for no pay.....terrible job, and no one to blame but ourselves.

So that which doesn't kill us will make us stronger.

prodigal

After reading how so many people here have had an alcoholic spouse or family member get sober then start drinking again, it sometimes makes me wonder how any A's maintain sobriety! I know it has to be extraordinarily difficult, but it saddens me that it appears there are so many who try and don't make it.

I guess the codie in me asks, "Why would anybody be willing to give up their very life for a drink?" Then I sit back and figure, "It is not mine to know why." Trying to figure it out would make me crazier than I already am!

WantsOut

I guess what I'm starting to realize here is that the reverse question, the one for us codies, is "why am I willing to give up my very life for an addict?" Or any man, really.

I can guess why I did in the past - too many reasons to write here but we can sum it up in two words "stepfather issues".

I am going to do my best to abstain in the future.

townie

My aha moment came when I found SR and discovered that I was not alone.

StandingStrong

I had a succession of A-ha moments. And each one became a little more "real" for me.
Finally, I started seeing thing more clearly as a whole - I began to apply the tools that I'd learned - and then came my final A-ha moment - the realization and acceptance that he's really not going to change.

This is not to say that he won't someday, but for now, he's not willing. And now that I can accept that - life is different for me.

LizzyP

I've had more ah-ha moments and clarity since I left, than I did leading up to my leaving, but this was my ah-ha moment of when I knew I had to leave:

My ah-ha moment came November 27th. June 2006, husband was staying intoxicated through RX drugs. It wasn't alcohol, although later I found that this Rx did have alcohol in it. Since the Rx was prescribed by a doctor, I remained in denial over AH trading the addiction for alcohol for addiction for Rx. He was falling down drunk with the med cocktails he was taking. He fell and hit his head. Had a traumatic head injury. Went through two brain surgeries to remove the blood from the brain. Came out of the surgeries and I wasn't sure he'd be cognitive again or whether I'd have to look into nursing home care for him.

He went through incredible therapy. With a miracle, he came through it. The physical rehab program he was in addressed with him his problem with alcohol and also addiction to Rx. He said, yes, yes, yes, I know I have a problem, I'll go to AA, and won't take drugs/alcohol again.

He came home. Didn't go to AA. Was dry for 2 months. I went into his shop in the garage one morning to say goodbye on my way to work. He was clearly stoned/intoxicated. I think it was that weekend I found SR. It was a few weeks later, on November 27th, that we went to the doctor to see if his "intoxication" was due to something he was taking, or due to a medical condition. When it was determined it was because of something he was taking, that was the last straw for me. After all that we both went through with his brain injury, for him to go right back to the "stuff", that did it for me. And, for him to throw away the miracle he had received through the recovery from his head injury. He had been given an incredible 9th chance at life, and to throw it all away again did it for me.

Seabass

truthullly, I've been in the black part of the black and white analogy. hope to see the light soon myself. you will know when the time is right.