How involved should I get with alcoholic mother?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Lenexa, KS
Posts: 7
How involved should I get with alcoholic mother?
The players:
1) My mother - Just started drinking this past year. Has been married 15 years to my step father. She is traditionally very upbeat, sociable, healthy. Admits she has a serious drinking problem.
2) Step-father - Industrious, has had at least 2 drinks every night for the past 6+ years, but never gets drunk to the point he cannot function. Denies he has a drinking problem. He has threatened divorce in the past and, honestly, I think that is the best thing for them.
Story:
My step-father is an unhappy, abusive person. Not physical, but verbal. He will do things like correct her when she mispronounces something, critique every little thing she does. My mom used to be able to shrug these comments off (to a degree) but as my step-father drinks more and more, his critiques become much more biting and frequent. My mom, unable to handle the stress, sought solace in drink. Today, she is drunk daily by 3-4pm and is pretty much cutting her family out of her life. I speak with her regularly about this and tell her she must seek professional help and she seems convinced that going to an outpatient, 9a-4p M-F class is going to help. Me and my siblings all believe that she will simply start drinking as soon as she gets home (she doesn't work).
My step-father privately scolds my mother about her drinking problem, but to the public he down-plays or outright conceals her problem. He even tries to hide these problems from me or my siblings.
Things hit a new low last night. My mom hit my step-dad. He pushed her back and she fell into a cabinet and possibly fractured a rib.
Meat of my question: I want to go over there tonight with my brothers and sister and say something. We don't know what to say. We want to confront my step-father and tell him that he also has a drinking problem and that it is going to be especially difficult for mom to get better unless he tries to stop treating her like a child. We want to be blunt with my mother as well about her problems.
Is there any point in trying to convince my step-father that he is part of the problem? Is it our place to tell my mom that she needs residential treatment rather than outpatient?
1) My mother - Just started drinking this past year. Has been married 15 years to my step father. She is traditionally very upbeat, sociable, healthy. Admits she has a serious drinking problem.
2) Step-father - Industrious, has had at least 2 drinks every night for the past 6+ years, but never gets drunk to the point he cannot function. Denies he has a drinking problem. He has threatened divorce in the past and, honestly, I think that is the best thing for them.
Story:
My step-father is an unhappy, abusive person. Not physical, but verbal. He will do things like correct her when she mispronounces something, critique every little thing she does. My mom used to be able to shrug these comments off (to a degree) but as my step-father drinks more and more, his critiques become much more biting and frequent. My mom, unable to handle the stress, sought solace in drink. Today, she is drunk daily by 3-4pm and is pretty much cutting her family out of her life. I speak with her regularly about this and tell her she must seek professional help and she seems convinced that going to an outpatient, 9a-4p M-F class is going to help. Me and my siblings all believe that she will simply start drinking as soon as she gets home (she doesn't work).
My step-father privately scolds my mother about her drinking problem, but to the public he down-plays or outright conceals her problem. He even tries to hide these problems from me or my siblings.
Things hit a new low last night. My mom hit my step-dad. He pushed her back and she fell into a cabinet and possibly fractured a rib.
Meat of my question: I want to go over there tonight with my brothers and sister and say something. We don't know what to say. We want to confront my step-father and tell him that he also has a drinking problem and that it is going to be especially difficult for mom to get better unless he tries to stop treating her like a child. We want to be blunt with my mother as well about her problems.
Is there any point in trying to convince my step-father that he is part of the problem? Is it our place to tell my mom that she needs residential treatment rather than outpatient?
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
welcome, worried. i can certainly understand your concerns, sounds like a bad situation for your mother and step dad.
no words other than sending you prayers.
have you looked into alanon meetings in your area? really helps me..
blessings, k
no words other than sending you prayers.
have you looked into alanon meetings in your area? really helps me..
blessings, k
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Lexington, South Carolina
Posts: 2
I tried to help my wife with this for years and it just caused her to resent me. They both need to figure this out on their own. I would meet secretly with your brothers and sisters, discuss it and then meet with your mom. I think your step father will probably get defensive (mom may too).
Be supportive but at the same time let them go. Sometimes they need things to get sobad that they have no other choice but to admit to their problem and seek help. Good luck!
Be supportive but at the same time let them go. Sometimes they need things to get sobad that they have no other choice but to admit to their problem and seek help. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I'd step away. Human love should never be unconditional. If you'd be talking to sober headed people maybe it would sink in. Talking to them might make you feel better but they are feeding off of each other and being reactionaries. Alanon, time and distance might be best for you. We'd love to think that something we might say of do would get this to change. It won't. They will keep it up until the cops hauls one of them off. I firmly believe that the deepest love has serious conditions attached to it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Lenexa, KS
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by ManOnaMission 
Be supportive but at the same time let them go. Sometimes they need things to get sobad that they have no other choice but to admit to their problem and seek help. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, Worried, glad you're here!
I'm not so sure on this one - you say your mom has only been drinking heavily about a year and in response to living with abuse.
Does alcoholism run in your family?
I'm not so sure on this one - you say your mom has only been drinking heavily about a year and in response to living with abuse.
Does alcoholism run in your family?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Lenexa, KS
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by mallowcup
If you went over there, what had you planned on saying?
I was going to tell them I love both of them, that I worry I am losing them, and that I do not see any evidence that they're making any real effort to correct the path that they are on. I am going to encourage them to start taking this more seriously and let them know how we perceive them.
Probably wasting my breath...and probably none of my business to intervene. I just don't know what else I *can* do.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by WorriedOne
Both of her parents were alcoholics. One died from it.
Have you considered discussing this with your doctor?
I have heard many stories where interventions do work, but they have to be done right, usually with a professional involved.
I personally don't always hold the "run as fast as you can" point of view. There is a lot of recent research that shows early intervention can and does work - the family can help. I think key is knowing when it isn't working.
You might consider taking the time to get better informed on all the options before sitting down with them. It's scary that it is becoming physical.
Take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Lenexa, KS
Posts: 7
Denny, thank you for your post.
When I say she did not drink before this last year, I mean that before she might have maybe 1 glass of wine a month, if that. She is 59 and until this year I have never seen my mother inebriated.
I do think that I want to discuss my plan for intervention with a professional before I do it (if I do it). We (meaning my siblings and I) are in panic and want to do something tonight, but we have to know the right way to approach it first.
I have not spoken with my doctor about it. Neither I nor my siblings drink much and my father does not drink at all. But, what happened to my mom could happen to us. I am worried as well about what the future may hold.
When I say she did not drink before this last year, I mean that before she might have maybe 1 glass of wine a month, if that. She is 59 and until this year I have never seen my mother inebriated.
I do think that I want to discuss my plan for intervention with a professional before I do it (if I do it). We (meaning my siblings and I) are in panic and want to do something tonight, but we have to know the right way to approach it first.
I have not spoken with my doctor about it. Neither I nor my siblings drink much and my father does not drink at all. But, what happened to my mom could happen to us. I am worried as well about what the future may hold.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Good luck with everything - I think your thinking is good - reacting from panic never worked for me in the 18 years I was with AH. You might consider Al-Anon meetings, too. Face to face interaction with those who understand and may have also done interventions can be invaluable.
Much love to you.
Much love to you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
