sober(?), yet still insane
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: florida
Posts: 40
sober(?), yet still insane
ok, so he says he is sober, and even if I don't believe it, let's pretend that he is...
why did he wait to become sober when I reached my breaking point? why not any other time in our 12 years together? like when I asked him with love in my heart?
while together he ignored me and stopped loving me, now he calls way too often and says "I love you" every chance he can... I finally told him to stop saying it because I don't believe him, it sounds phony and is making me more mad, plus I hate the way he says it with sort of a question mark on the end!!
for years I begged him to pay attention to the kids, go to a soccer game, give the baby a bath, he did NOTHING! he couldn't "deal" with them, now that we are separated, he claims he wants nothing more than to spend time with them... it is creepy! and, again, phony! and it pisses me off, which is almost why I think he is doing it! he is so awkward around them, I am ALWAYS there when he is with them, (cuz I don't trust him) and it seems like a horrible show he is putting on for me... are the kids suffering because of this?
when will he stop pretending that everything is ok????!!!! it feels like it is more messed up than when he was drunk and we were together, at least then I knew exactly what to expect- nothing. And that was somehow easier than this creepy, wierd, phony, smug, chain smoking, candy gulping stranger that is lurking about!!!
aaaaaggggghhhhh! am I crazy????? I wish he would disappear... and let us go...
why did he wait to become sober when I reached my breaking point? why not any other time in our 12 years together? like when I asked him with love in my heart?
while together he ignored me and stopped loving me, now he calls way too often and says "I love you" every chance he can... I finally told him to stop saying it because I don't believe him, it sounds phony and is making me more mad, plus I hate the way he says it with sort of a question mark on the end!!
for years I begged him to pay attention to the kids, go to a soccer game, give the baby a bath, he did NOTHING! he couldn't "deal" with them, now that we are separated, he claims he wants nothing more than to spend time with them... it is creepy! and, again, phony! and it pisses me off, which is almost why I think he is doing it! he is so awkward around them, I am ALWAYS there when he is with them, (cuz I don't trust him) and it seems like a horrible show he is putting on for me... are the kids suffering because of this?
when will he stop pretending that everything is ok????!!!! it feels like it is more messed up than when he was drunk and we were together, at least then I knew exactly what to expect- nothing. And that was somehow easier than this creepy, wierd, phony, smug, chain smoking, candy gulping stranger that is lurking about!!!
aaaaaggggghhhhh! am I crazy????? I wish he would disappear... and let us go...
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
(((((sugarpup))))))
you are not crazy....
if he is sober.....well, getting sober is very difficult for the alcoholic. things aren't just suddenly "ok" just because they stop drinking. mine got sober for 10 months one time....of which 2 were fantastic. the rest were surreal.
it was like he had just came up from a deep coma....and, indeed, he had. he was so foggy headed and he didn't know how to deal with life on a sober basis....after all, he had been drunk for over 25 years.
it must be very difficult for them. and it is for us, too. i thank god i had al-anon in my life at the time to help me understand my own reactions to his sobriety.
i had many resentments for past actions and behaviors of his.....and now he was sober, and everything was supposed to be all peachy???? i kept looking at him outta the corner of my eye....just waitin for him to screw up. al-anon was what helped me understand my reactions to this, and to find some sort of peace in his sobriety.
hope this helps some
love to you
jeri
you are not crazy....
if he is sober.....well, getting sober is very difficult for the alcoholic. things aren't just suddenly "ok" just because they stop drinking. mine got sober for 10 months one time....of which 2 were fantastic. the rest were surreal.
it was like he had just came up from a deep coma....and, indeed, he had. he was so foggy headed and he didn't know how to deal with life on a sober basis....after all, he had been drunk for over 25 years.
it must be very difficult for them. and it is for us, too. i thank god i had al-anon in my life at the time to help me understand my own reactions to his sobriety.
i had many resentments for past actions and behaviors of his.....and now he was sober, and everything was supposed to be all peachy???? i kept looking at him outta the corner of my eye....just waitin for him to screw up. al-anon was what helped me understand my reactions to this, and to find some sort of peace in his sobriety.
hope this helps some
love to you
jeri
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: florida
Posts: 40
thank you jeri.
you know exactly how I feel, and that is exactly how he says he feels, like he has just woken up! it's not fair because while he was "sleeping" I was living through every moment vividly, clearly and painfully...
and now he is looking at me and acting like everything should be ok and I feel like I am jsut taking time to observe...
I just know he will go back to his old ways, I know it. Is is bad however to wish he would do it sooner than later so I can witness it and not feel bad about moving on???
you know exactly how I feel, and that is exactly how he says he feels, like he has just woken up! it's not fair because while he was "sleeping" I was living through every moment vividly, clearly and painfully...
and now he is looking at me and acting like everything should be ok and I feel like I am jsut taking time to observe...
I just know he will go back to his old ways, I know it. Is is bad however to wish he would do it sooner than later so I can witness it and not feel bad about moving on???
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
He is doing the only thing he knows how to do.
He is in panic mode and has yet learned how to fix what is broken (himself).
Ok enough about him...Having lived it, I still can't put it into words so you would better understand it. Can't make sense out of nonsense. You would need be living in our mind to understand it.
Don't take things personal. What he says or does are not things he is doing against you or the kids...he just doesn't know any different yet and is trying anything he thinks will work.
Actions...over time... that is the only thing you want to see.
I can fake my actions for a short time. I can play out words forever as well. Over a long period of time...I would need be living my recovery and if I am living my recovery, my actions will speak for themself.
There is hope that he will find his answers (I did). Till such a time...take care of "you" and let him worry about himself.
He is in panic mode and has yet learned how to fix what is broken (himself).
Ok enough about him...Having lived it, I still can't put it into words so you would better understand it. Can't make sense out of nonsense. You would need be living in our mind to understand it.
Don't take things personal. What he says or does are not things he is doing against you or the kids...he just doesn't know any different yet and is trying anything he thinks will work.
Actions...over time... that is the only thing you want to see.
I can fake my actions for a short time. I can play out words forever as well. Over a long period of time...I would need be living my recovery and if I am living my recovery, my actions will speak for themself.
There is hope that he will find his answers (I did). Till such a time...take care of "you" and let him worry about himself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
only you can decide if you need to stay in this relationship. i understand how bruised we become from living in the affects of alcoholism.
are you in any sort of recovery program, such as al-anon?
your feelings are very normal.
the question i would be asking myself is.....do i want to invest more in this realtionship???
i don't know your history with him, but people do get sober and live out good lives. it takes a lot of work, but it can be done.
people also relapse....relapse is very much a part of recovery. or they can relapse and not ever get it.
it's pretty much a crap shoot. it depends on how much he wants sobriety.
all you can do for yourself, is to take care of yourself.
hope this helps
love to you
jeri
are you in any sort of recovery program, such as al-anon?
your feelings are very normal.
the question i would be asking myself is.....do i want to invest more in this realtionship???
i don't know your history with him, but people do get sober and live out good lives. it takes a lot of work, but it can be done.
people also relapse....relapse is very much a part of recovery. or they can relapse and not ever get it.
it's pretty much a crap shoot. it depends on how much he wants sobriety.
all you can do for yourself, is to take care of yourself.
hope this helps
love to you
jeri
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Hi Sugar,
Mine did the same thing. He told me that his whole life changed when I moved out. He said everything was so crystal clear now, that he'd had this revelation that he was screwing up his life. He said all these things while still doing stuff like drinking 6-packs of non-alcoholic beer, as if that's normal. I figured he might could continue this act as long as he really thought he could get me back home, so I heavily alluded to the fact that there wouldn't ever be an us again. I wasn't sure if I meant it, but I needed to see what would happen if I said it. It was not two days later that he was drinking again. Surprise, surprise. Jeri was right.....it takes much more than that short amount of time to be "fixed." I guess it's just like people who decide to lose weight...it took a while to become overweight, so it will take a while to become not overweight. Just because someone vows to eat healthy and work out every single day, it doesn't mean that they are instantly thin. There's a huge battle ahead of them, and they just might not make it the course.
I remember feeling guilty for wanting AH to drink sooner than later when he would "quit" after one of my freak outs. It was too hard waiting for the inevitable, and I hated those feelings I had of wanting him to hurry up and do it. I think it's natural....we know when they're quacking and not really changing, so it's a waste of everyone's time to pretend otherwise. Someone told me one time that I would know if my husband was really serious about recovery by his actions. I never saw that day.
Take care.
Mine did the same thing. He told me that his whole life changed when I moved out. He said everything was so crystal clear now, that he'd had this revelation that he was screwing up his life. He said all these things while still doing stuff like drinking 6-packs of non-alcoholic beer, as if that's normal. I figured he might could continue this act as long as he really thought he could get me back home, so I heavily alluded to the fact that there wouldn't ever be an us again. I wasn't sure if I meant it, but I needed to see what would happen if I said it. It was not two days later that he was drinking again. Surprise, surprise. Jeri was right.....it takes much more than that short amount of time to be "fixed." I guess it's just like people who decide to lose weight...it took a while to become overweight, so it will take a while to become not overweight. Just because someone vows to eat healthy and work out every single day, it doesn't mean that they are instantly thin. There's a huge battle ahead of them, and they just might not make it the course.
I remember feeling guilty for wanting AH to drink sooner than later when he would "quit" after one of my freak outs. It was too hard waiting for the inevitable, and I hated those feelings I had of wanting him to hurry up and do it. I think it's natural....we know when they're quacking and not really changing, so it's a waste of everyone's time to pretend otherwise. Someone told me one time that I would know if my husband was really serious about recovery by his actions. I never saw that day.
Take care.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hey there sugarpup,
This thread is an awesome example of how focusing on me works for me.
Hard to say.
More importantly, is everything OK to YOU?
Just because he is ignoring years of dysfunction and hoping you will, bc he is 'sober', doesnt mean you arents still upset.
His pretending doesnt mean you cant still be upset and have negative images and memories about the way his drinking affected you.
Sobriety take time to adjust too, and ultimately, that is his choice, just like drinking is his choice. Some of the hardest times I remember when my ex was on a dry binge.
Recovery programs for alcoholics generally encourage the alcoholic to understand that thier spouse has been through a great deal as well as they have, and trust, love, and happiness will not return just bc they stop drinking.
A support system for you will help you through this...
This thread is an awesome example of how focusing on me works for me.
when will he stop pretending that everything is ok????!!!!
More importantly, is everything OK to YOU?
Just because he is ignoring years of dysfunction and hoping you will, bc he is 'sober', doesnt mean you arents still upset.
His pretending doesnt mean you cant still be upset and have negative images and memories about the way his drinking affected you.
Sobriety take time to adjust too, and ultimately, that is his choice, just like drinking is his choice. Some of the hardest times I remember when my ex was on a dry binge.
Recovery programs for alcoholics generally encourage the alcoholic to understand that thier spouse has been through a great deal as well as they have, and trust, love, and happiness will not return just bc they stop drinking.
A support system for you will help you through this...
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
How long has he been sober? As a recovering alcoholic myself, I know that my work started when I dropped the bottle. I'm only a month in ...and I tell ya, it's exhausting. When I joined AA, I figured those rooms were the safest places in the world and that everyone was healthy now because they were sober...LOL LOL. Not true...I have come across members with 10 years sobriety and it is STILL evident they are sick. These are the one who hit on newcomers like myself cuz they see my vulnerability (can you say disgusting??). Sober does not mean healthy necessarily. Ya gotta do the work...continuously.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
sobriety/recovery is a slow process - learning that firsthand with my daughter now at about 100 days. she still has a lot of work to do, and so do i. sometimes i get impatient with her. i get impatient with me. agreed, nuudawn - exhausting. i just try to remember how much better it is now compared to life BEFORE recovery. and keep my chin up. tough climb, but at least we're CLIMBING now, instead of spiraling down..
just rambling, k
just rambling, k
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