wife of alcoholic learning to survive
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Tampa, Fl
Posts: 5
The question of when to "throw in the towel" is haunting me as well. The funny thing is, I work as a guidance counselor for a living, and I try never to give up on the possibility of change with my students. I'm a problem-solver by nature,and it's KILLING ME that I can't make this work! I don't want to raise my two boys alone, and I don't want to start over. But I'm thinking that at some point the hope will die, and if I don't walk away I will go crazy. How much madness is too much. Everyday brings some new challenge. Yesterday I got home from work about 20 minutes late. My boys were gone, so I called my husband to find out where everyone was. I could tell from his responses he had been drinking. He slammed me for being so late (he was confused again about my work hours) and told me he took the kids out to eat because "we are obviously both doing our own thing." Then he hung up. I drove to the restaurant where I believed they were and as soon as I sat down with them I could tell he was buzzed. When I attempted to explain my new working hours (which had changed 6 MONTHS AGO) he didn't want to listen and walked out. I then had a long talk with the boys about what we were facing. My oldest admitted he came home and found dad "asleep" in bed at 3:30. I had to lecture them again about not getting in the truck with them if they suspected he had been drinking. I feel so bad that they are caught in the middle of this madness. I don't know how much longer I can do this...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: asia
Posts: 45
I did not leave hoping he would quit, I accepted the separation because I realized I was insane. Seriously. My leaving might have caused a mini crisis in him (????) but alas I proved less than a bottle in the marriage and I likely will so even when it is finally legally dissolved. I think leaving hoping it will change his behaviour is set up for disappointment. What then when he doesn't? What if says he will -how many days/weeks/months/years of sobriety is he going to have to prove before you are okay with it? Its very hard. Everyday I think of how I could have been different. But really I did not have the mental strength to deal with addiction. Its played way too important a part in my life and proved very toxic to me. Now, I desperately want health.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Belle Vernon, PA
Posts: 11
I know what you mean...
I'm new here as well and have only made a few posts.. My A fiance' does the the same thing! After a bad night of drinking we'll go to sleep and the next morning he wakes up as if nothing has happened! Sometimes I'll get a "sorry babe" and dumb excuse about something pissing him on TV and other times he just snuggles up to me like nothing happened. Depending on my mood I either let it go and enjoy the moment or I tell him what happened and he gets upset about it. Really, How can they do that?
But reading these things has also made me a little scared. Is there different degrees of alcohlism? I mean, my fiance' has been drinking beer every night for about 5 years. Never hard stuff, and never at the bar. Prior to us meeting he was drinking about 8-10 22 oz glasses a night. Since we've talked about it being a problems he's reduced to it about 6 22oz glasses. He worked every day and never started drinking 5pm, since being with me he doesn't start drinking until after 8pm. He doesn't have any money problems with the alcohol either and he never misses work or anything like that over it. Now he has decided to quit cold turkey and is the processes of making an appointment with the doctor for a treatment plan. As I read others stories about seizures, and other health related withdrawl symptoms, I wonder if he will go through the same thing. How much did your husbands drink? I guess I'm just trying to make myself feel a little better here, please forgive me. And because he has not gotten to the point of drinking all day, will that make it easier or harder for him?
And another thing, at home I've seem him get the shakes on nights that we're out and he can't start drinking till much later. But we spent a week in Hawaii in August together and during that week we shared a bottle of champagne one night, and other nights he had no more than 2 regular sized beers an evening and he was perfectly fine. I know we were in this relaxed paradise sort of environment but it he was really that bad, shouldn't the addiction have followed him there?
But reading these things has also made me a little scared. Is there different degrees of alcohlism? I mean, my fiance' has been drinking beer every night for about 5 years. Never hard stuff, and never at the bar. Prior to us meeting he was drinking about 8-10 22 oz glasses a night. Since we've talked about it being a problems he's reduced to it about 6 22oz glasses. He worked every day and never started drinking 5pm, since being with me he doesn't start drinking until after 8pm. He doesn't have any money problems with the alcohol either and he never misses work or anything like that over it. Now he has decided to quit cold turkey and is the processes of making an appointment with the doctor for a treatment plan. As I read others stories about seizures, and other health related withdrawl symptoms, I wonder if he will go through the same thing. How much did your husbands drink? I guess I'm just trying to make myself feel a little better here, please forgive me. And because he has not gotten to the point of drinking all day, will that make it easier or harder for him?
And another thing, at home I've seem him get the shakes on nights that we're out and he can't start drinking till much later. But we spent a week in Hawaii in August together and during that week we shared a bottle of champagne one night, and other nights he had no more than 2 regular sized beers an evening and he was perfectly fine. I know we were in this relaxed paradise sort of environment but it he was really that bad, shouldn't the addiction have followed him there?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: NOR CAL
Posts: 70
Wow, sorry brabswife for what you go through. I can totally relate, not that that helps, but we also have 2 kids who witness all the craziness. Your husband taking the boys out to eat w/o you, then getting an attitude is exactly what I deal with too. Childlish behavior. I feel selfish for wanting to end the marriage, and I know my kids love their dad (most of the time), but it's hard to deal with such stupid games. I am still looking for an al-anon group I can attend, maybe that will help you too?? Hang in there.
AND...to ((((nicole85 & godhelp me)))), you really touched a nerve about the morning after syndrome. I deal with that all the time, I cannot go on the next day pretending nothing ever happened, and I give him the silent treatment, but later realize it only makes things worse for the whole family. I also think al-anon will help with that too. I struggle the morning after a night of drinking, don't know how to deal with him. I'm glad to hear it addressed in your posts.
AND...to ((((nicole85 & godhelp me)))), you really touched a nerve about the morning after syndrome. I deal with that all the time, I cannot go on the next day pretending nothing ever happened, and I give him the silent treatment, but later realize it only makes things worse for the whole family. I also think al-anon will help with that too. I struggle the morning after a night of drinking, don't know how to deal with him. I'm glad to hear it addressed in your posts.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Colorado, USA
Posts: 433
Hello to all. Several years ago my marriage was in crisis, I was in crisis over it. I didn't know if my spouse was an alcoholic or not. What I did know was his drinking was affecting me, us.
To support myself at a very difficult time, I found a local Al-Anon group and a marriage counselor for one-on-one. They saved my life. I am very lucky to have a wonderful Al-Anon group nearby. They are mostly women, very wise, supportive women from whom I've learned so much.
They helped give me the energy needed to take a hard look at myself, at my part, to get help for myself so I had the strength to continue for the children. It wasn't until I got very clear about myself and my boundaries, what I would and would not tolerate, and I mean very, very clear (like a wonderful light in the midst of much confusion and gray areas), that I was able to stand up and communicate in a way that was true to myself, speak my truth.
Without the outside support of other people, I never would have stayed with it, never would have cared to continue on this earth. In Al-Anon and therapy I found healthy relationships and validation, encouragement and hope, strength and clarity. That clarity has made all the difference. It requires continuing effort and checking out with others to maintain the health I've gained over many tough, tough years. It has been worth it.
There is much work I have left to do on myself. I've now gained a healthy milieu in which to do it. To move forward, I need the input from others to sort through tough issues/questions. What works for one may not work for me; their problem may not fit my situation. But the flashes of association and insight as I listen to their stories and perspective, shed light on my own situation; lead to peace and harmony in myself and those around me; gives me a place to process my stuff. It grounds me.
It's become a daily practice and affects all aspects of my life and being in only positive ways. I've come to know I will have quality of life only if I use the tools I've learned in these groups, the excellent communication skills I've been able to learn and practice with others seeking the same. I take them home with me and my family responds to my clear limits and strong, healthy communication they sometimes are able to really hear.
I've been able to model good patterns for my kids and spouse. I am fortunate that my husband has begun to learn from me; not everyone has this I know. In my case, he began to listen to me in bits and starts, he began to stay in the room and discuss things instead of dumping on me. I was able to come from a place of inner peace and clarity rather than confusion and rage and grief.
It's not smooth sailing by any means, but I've come a long, long way and so has my spouse. He still drinks, but has cut way back (at the present time; it waxes and wanes depending on his stress level) so that helps a lot. I'm still confused about a lot of things and have some important decisions to make. Things still get messy now and then, but it doesn't last as long.
If despair overwhelms me I know I can call someone and be lifted up. I'm not alone and my Al-anon friends are always there. It took me years to really "get it," but I finally got myself a sponsor and I'm learning even more and am taking baby steps to deal with things in a different way, breaking the insanity and crazy thinking, slowly changing and finding my own peace.
Whooeee, I've written a book. Thanks for being here and for all you've shared. It's so helpful. My best wishes to each of you on this journey. Stay with it!
To support myself at a very difficult time, I found a local Al-Anon group and a marriage counselor for one-on-one. They saved my life. I am very lucky to have a wonderful Al-Anon group nearby. They are mostly women, very wise, supportive women from whom I've learned so much.
They helped give me the energy needed to take a hard look at myself, at my part, to get help for myself so I had the strength to continue for the children. It wasn't until I got very clear about myself and my boundaries, what I would and would not tolerate, and I mean very, very clear (like a wonderful light in the midst of much confusion and gray areas), that I was able to stand up and communicate in a way that was true to myself, speak my truth.
Without the outside support of other people, I never would have stayed with it, never would have cared to continue on this earth. In Al-Anon and therapy I found healthy relationships and validation, encouragement and hope, strength and clarity. That clarity has made all the difference. It requires continuing effort and checking out with others to maintain the health I've gained over many tough, tough years. It has been worth it.
There is much work I have left to do on myself. I've now gained a healthy milieu in which to do it. To move forward, I need the input from others to sort through tough issues/questions. What works for one may not work for me; their problem may not fit my situation. But the flashes of association and insight as I listen to their stories and perspective, shed light on my own situation; lead to peace and harmony in myself and those around me; gives me a place to process my stuff. It grounds me.
It's become a daily practice and affects all aspects of my life and being in only positive ways. I've come to know I will have quality of life only if I use the tools I've learned in these groups, the excellent communication skills I've been able to learn and practice with others seeking the same. I take them home with me and my family responds to my clear limits and strong, healthy communication they sometimes are able to really hear.
I've been able to model good patterns for my kids and spouse. I am fortunate that my husband has begun to learn from me; not everyone has this I know. In my case, he began to listen to me in bits and starts, he began to stay in the room and discuss things instead of dumping on me. I was able to come from a place of inner peace and clarity rather than confusion and rage and grief.
It's not smooth sailing by any means, but I've come a long, long way and so has my spouse. He still drinks, but has cut way back (at the present time; it waxes and wanes depending on his stress level) so that helps a lot. I'm still confused about a lot of things and have some important decisions to make. Things still get messy now and then, but it doesn't last as long.
If despair overwhelms me I know I can call someone and be lifted up. I'm not alone and my Al-anon friends are always there. It took me years to really "get it," but I finally got myself a sponsor and I'm learning even more and am taking baby steps to deal with things in a different way, breaking the insanity and crazy thinking, slowly changing and finding my own peace.
Whooeee, I've written a book. Thanks for being here and for all you've shared. It's so helpful. My best wishes to each of you on this journey. Stay with it!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
[QUOTE=nicole85;1169401]
But reading these things has also made me a little scared. Is there different degrees of alcohlism? I mean, my fiance' has been drinking beer every night for about 5 years. Never hard stuff, and never at the bar. Prior to us meeting he was drinking about 8-10 22 oz glasses a night. Since we've talked about it being a problems he's reduced to it about 6 22oz glasses. He worked every day and never started drinking 5pm, since being with me he doesn't start drinking until after 8pm. He doesn't have any money problems with the alcohol either and he never misses work or anything like that over it. /QUOTE]
I've dealt with AH for nine years. He too was a nightly beer drinker about a 12pk I believe and he got up and went to work everyday. If we had plans he was able to follow through with them. I believe this is called a functional alcoholic. His Mother a personal injury attorney is also a functioning A. But boy when Friday comes she drunk to the point of passing out at tables in high end restuarants, to stumbling to the point of falling, slurred words, very sloppy and says inappropriate comments even to her grandchildrem she's 53 my AH is 36. He never acted out when drinking, always drank at home. However he is an alcoholic. then he added opiates and crack into the mix with in one year. I'm not sure if alcohol wasn't doing it for him anymore but he did go into a 30day rehab did well for 2 months then relapsed on crack (went to rehab for alcohol/opiates). Everything was my fault. I just didn't want to live the live of an addict and I was living it. Started getting crazy, it was bad. It was me or him and I chose me. It also helped that after he left and I fould all of my jewerly gone which included pieces of my dead mom's to be passed on to my nieces and a lot of sentimental things. I tried to get it back but they had scrapped it because he sold it (more $$) he didn't pawn it. I understood it was the disease in control but hell that hurt so bad no matter why or what made him do that. I'm at peace with being separated and will divorce him when I can but not because I want him to see the light but because I deserve more than he gave and I would NEVER be able to trust him again. The prospect of being single forever scares me but not enough to let him back in.
But reading these things has also made me a little scared. Is there different degrees of alcohlism? I mean, my fiance' has been drinking beer every night for about 5 years. Never hard stuff, and never at the bar. Prior to us meeting he was drinking about 8-10 22 oz glasses a night. Since we've talked about it being a problems he's reduced to it about 6 22oz glasses. He worked every day and never started drinking 5pm, since being with me he doesn't start drinking until after 8pm. He doesn't have any money problems with the alcohol either and he never misses work or anything like that over it. /QUOTE]
I've dealt with AH for nine years. He too was a nightly beer drinker about a 12pk I believe and he got up and went to work everyday. If we had plans he was able to follow through with them. I believe this is called a functional alcoholic. His Mother a personal injury attorney is also a functioning A. But boy when Friday comes she drunk to the point of passing out at tables in high end restuarants, to stumbling to the point of falling, slurred words, very sloppy and says inappropriate comments even to her grandchildrem she's 53 my AH is 36. He never acted out when drinking, always drank at home. However he is an alcoholic. then he added opiates and crack into the mix with in one year. I'm not sure if alcohol wasn't doing it for him anymore but he did go into a 30day rehab did well for 2 months then relapsed on crack (went to rehab for alcohol/opiates). Everything was my fault. I just didn't want to live the live of an addict and I was living it. Started getting crazy, it was bad. It was me or him and I chose me. It also helped that after he left and I fould all of my jewerly gone which included pieces of my dead mom's to be passed on to my nieces and a lot of sentimental things. I tried to get it back but they had scrapped it because he sold it (more $$) he didn't pawn it. I understood it was the disease in control but hell that hurt so bad no matter why or what made him do that. I'm at peace with being separated and will divorce him when I can but not because I want him to see the light but because I deserve more than he gave and I would NEVER be able to trust him again. The prospect of being single forever scares me but not enough to let him back in.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Tampa, Fl
Posts: 5
My husband "only" drank a six pack of beer when I first met him as well, and was on again off again with the amount. On his worst days,he now drinks anywhere from 14 to 18 a night. Red flags were going off all over the place prior to us getting married, but I just didn't want to see them. I wish I would have dug further into his family history (he comes from a family of drinkers) and talked to a professional about his use. I don't mean to dampen your enthusiasm for marriage, but if you are concerned, then there is probably a good reason. I know I only wish I would have listened to my mind as well as my heart .
Joanne
Joanne
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