Update
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Update
Whew nothing from him in 5 days. I can walk up to my computer without knots in my stomach.
I need /want/am moving on now, there is no excuse for his wierd bizarre behaviors (lying about having a daughter and grandsons for 3 years) other than he is very ill. I think he just lies constantly.
I realized yesterday I can't even get to that point where "I like the person but I don't like what he does." I don't like the person and don't like what he did.
And also those bursts of rage, there is anger and then there is rage. We can be angry without calling women B#$%hes and other names.
Cat
I need /want/am moving on now, there is no excuse for his wierd bizarre behaviors (lying about having a daughter and grandsons for 3 years) other than he is very ill. I think he just lies constantly.
I realized yesterday I can't even get to that point where "I like the person but I don't like what he does." I don't like the person and don't like what he did.
And also those bursts of rage, there is anger and then there is rage. We can be angry without calling women B#$%hes and other names.
Cat
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
oh ngaire....honey, i had a moment of clarity that absolutely released me with my x. i wish you the same....it is wonderful to experience.
i understand the feelings you are having....and i know how crappy they can feel....but there is light at the end of our tunnels.....just keep going towards the light....and one day.....BADA-BING, BAMMY-WHAMMY.....it just all goes away....well, it did for me, anyway.....and i believe it will for you too.
love to you
jeri
i understand the feelings you are having....and i know how crappy they can feel....but there is light at the end of our tunnels.....just keep going towards the light....and one day.....BADA-BING, BAMMY-WHAMMY.....it just all goes away....well, it did for me, anyway.....and i believe it will for you too.
love to you
jeri
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
hahahahah.....i just had a thought....i'll probably be back here in a week, crying around about "how much i love him, and my heart breaks for him, and he is so sick, and i just want him to be well"......now, when i do that.....you be kick me in the a$$, ok?
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
Can we get a "grin" icon??????(jeri)
Cat, hoping calm for you. You will progress. Take your time....There is always so much to "sort out". Feelings, anger of our own, confusion, doubt, love, etc. Step at a time if you can. Linda
Cat, hoping calm for you. You will progress. Take your time....There is always so much to "sort out". Feelings, anger of our own, confusion, doubt, love, etc. Step at a time if you can. Linda
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
I'll take a drive down to Indiana to do that Jeri.
HAhahahhaahahahahhah
Cat
HAhahahhaahahahahhah
Cat
Originally Posted by embraced2000 
hahahahah.....i just had a thought....i'll probably be back here in a week, crying around about "how much i love him, and my heart breaks for him, and he is so sick, and i just want him to be well"......now, when i do that.....you be kick me in the a$$, ok?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Well I was thinking somebody even capable of thinking and believing that carrying on with a lie like that is the right thing to do.
I like one of the justifications "Well I would have told when we were going to get married so that then you could have decided if you wanted to get married or not."
Duhhhhhhhhhhhhh????????????
Cat
I like one of the justifications "Well I would have told when we were going to get married so that then you could have decided if you wanted to get married or not."
Duhhhhhhhhhhhhh????????????
Cat
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
I realized yesterday I can't even get to that point where "I like the person but I don't like what he does." I don't like the person and don't like what he did........cat quote
there's some freedom in that conclusion.
jeri
there's some freedom in that conclusion.
jeri
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Well went to my meeting tonight and guess who showed up. i COMPLETELY IGNORED HIM AND STAYED AWAY. I was chairing the meeting and of course he had to sit in my eye view at the othe rend of the room. Then he took off after the meeting.
Blech.
Cat
Blech.
Cat
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
"I think he just lies constantly."
Although I am an alcoholic, my exAbf is a little further down the road in that department. We had two attempts at relationship. After the first, I realized I was alcoholic and quit drinking about a month. I tried to do it on my own, but at one point of "head crazies" I had a couple glasses to take the edge off of my obsessing about the damn ex. I digress..
After first break up, I did a lot of reading and convinced myself that my ex was doing something called "gaslighting" ...purposely telling me lies or insisting I said things I hadn't to make me think I was the crazy one. I beleive this cuz he told me all his ex's were "crazy". I thought, ya you made them crazy. But in hindsight, they too all had some sort of addiction problems...from what I know anyway.
At any rate, I went back to the man (???????) figuring I could save him. (Turns out it resulted in me actually saving myself this time). But he is so far gone I realized that he actually BELIEVES his own BS now. And I have heard this said by male alcoholics at AA meetings. They lied so much they believed their own stuff. And that resonated, because my ex would be so emphatic and insistent with his lies ...he had to have believed them...cuz he's just not that good of an actor.
Although I am an alcoholic, my exAbf is a little further down the road in that department. We had two attempts at relationship. After the first, I realized I was alcoholic and quit drinking about a month. I tried to do it on my own, but at one point of "head crazies" I had a couple glasses to take the edge off of my obsessing about the damn ex. I digress..
After first break up, I did a lot of reading and convinced myself that my ex was doing something called "gaslighting" ...purposely telling me lies or insisting I said things I hadn't to make me think I was the crazy one. I beleive this cuz he told me all his ex's were "crazy". I thought, ya you made them crazy. But in hindsight, they too all had some sort of addiction problems...from what I know anyway.
At any rate, I went back to the man (???????) figuring I could save him. (Turns out it resulted in me actually saving myself this time). But he is so far gone I realized that he actually BELIEVES his own BS now. And I have heard this said by male alcoholics at AA meetings. They lied so much they believed their own stuff. And that resonated, because my ex would be so emphatic and insistent with his lies ...he had to have believed them...cuz he's just not that good of an actor.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Hi Jeri,
It's an A.A meeting. I'm in A.A too.
Cat
It's an A.A meeting. I'm in A.A too.
Cat
Originally Posted by embraced2000
why is he coming to your al-anon meeting???? i know they are open to everyone...but shouldn't he be going to aa meetings.
did he attend before you started going.....what's the scoop?
jeri
did he attend before you started going.....what's the scoop?
jeri
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Hi Nuudawn,
And the scary thing is he actually thinks that there is a justification for not telling me about a daughter and two grandsons for 3 years. That's actually scarier than the lie in a lot of ways.
This is a quote from him:
"Well I was going to tell you when we were getting married so you could decide then if you still wanted to get married."
Duh?
Cat
And the scary thing is he actually thinks that there is a justification for not telling me about a daughter and two grandsons for 3 years. That's actually scarier than the lie in a lot of ways.
This is a quote from him:
"Well I was going to tell you when we were getting married so you could decide then if you still wanted to get married."
Duh?
Cat
Originally Posted by Nuudawn
"I think he just lies constantly."
Although I am an alcoholic, my exAbf is a little further down the road in that department. We had two attempts at relationship. After the first, I realized I was alcoholic and quit drinking about a month. I tried to do it on my own, but at one point of "head crazies" I had a couple glasses to take the edge off of my obsessing about the damn ex. I digress..
After first break up, I did a lot of reading and convinced myself that my ex was doing something called "gaslighting" ...purposely telling me lies or insisting I said things I hadn't to make me think I was the crazy one. I beleive this cuz he told me all his ex's were "crazy". I thought, ya you made them crazy. But in hindsight, they too all had some sort of addiction problems...from what I know anyway.
At any rate, I went back to the man (???????) figuring I could save him. (Turns out it resulted in me actually saving myself this time). But he is so far gone I realized that he actually BELIEVES his own BS now. And I have heard this said by male alcoholics at AA meetings. They lied so much they believed their own stuff. And that resonated, because my ex would be so emphatic and insistent with his lies ...he had to have believed them...cuz he's just not that good of an actor.
Although I am an alcoholic, my exAbf is a little further down the road in that department. We had two attempts at relationship. After the first, I realized I was alcoholic and quit drinking about a month. I tried to do it on my own, but at one point of "head crazies" I had a couple glasses to take the edge off of my obsessing about the damn ex. I digress..
After first break up, I did a lot of reading and convinced myself that my ex was doing something called "gaslighting" ...purposely telling me lies or insisting I said things I hadn't to make me think I was the crazy one. I beleive this cuz he told me all his ex's were "crazy". I thought, ya you made them crazy. But in hindsight, they too all had some sort of addiction problems...from what I know anyway.
At any rate, I went back to the man (???????) figuring I could save him. (Turns out it resulted in me actually saving myself this time). But he is so far gone I realized that he actually BELIEVES his own BS now. And I have heard this said by male alcoholics at AA meetings. They lied so much they believed their own stuff. And that resonated, because my ex would be so emphatic and insistent with his lies ...he had to have believed them...cuz he's just not that good of an actor.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
He used to go with me but since we've broken up and way before he stopped going. So no he doesn't regularly attend that meeting. There was no reason for him to be there other than to try and sit in my line of view and see if he could get me to feel sorry for him.
Cat
Cat
Originally Posted by embraced2000
i see.....does he regularly attend that meeting???? or is he just using that one as a way to make some sort of contact?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
cat....yup, it's the thought process that becomes more scarier than the actual life. it's mind boggling to me.....the thought process of my x.
since coming on board here, i see that this pattern of thinking is very common in the active alcoholic.
i admire that you were able to chair that meeting with him sittin there staring at you.....dang, that would have been tough for me. good job!!!!!
i had to read the twelve traditions at our thanksgiving meeting/meal to a combined aa/al-anon meeting.....the home manager of the half-way house that my ex was living in at the time was there from 3 counties away.....just knowing he was there.....he had skin cells on his clothing that probably belonged to my x.....he shared the same living quarters with my x....he breathed the same air my x breathed....well, i was still really sick two thanksgivings ago....i bout lost it. i hyperventilated, bout passed out, and couldn't continue reading....they came up, sat me down, and put my head down to my knees cause i was the color of dead fish, they said....
oh, i was so humiliated.
good girl, cat!!!!!! you did so wonderful getting through that meeting.
i can tell you are still stinging so badly from the lie, the big lie, he told you and are still feeling betrayed. keep doing what you are doing.....
jeri
since coming on board here, i see that this pattern of thinking is very common in the active alcoholic.
i admire that you were able to chair that meeting with him sittin there staring at you.....dang, that would have been tough for me. good job!!!!!
i had to read the twelve traditions at our thanksgiving meeting/meal to a combined aa/al-anon meeting.....the home manager of the half-way house that my ex was living in at the time was there from 3 counties away.....just knowing he was there.....he had skin cells on his clothing that probably belonged to my x.....he shared the same living quarters with my x....he breathed the same air my x breathed....well, i was still really sick two thanksgivings ago....i bout lost it. i hyperventilated, bout passed out, and couldn't continue reading....they came up, sat me down, and put my head down to my knees cause i was the color of dead fish, they said....
oh, i was so humiliated.
good girl, cat!!!!!! you did so wonderful getting through that meeting.
i can tell you are still stinging so badly from the lie, the big lie, he told you and are still feeling betrayed. keep doing what you are doing.....
jeri
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Hi Jeri,
Yes you are right I'm still stinging from that whole thing. It was a great big slap in the face. After the energy I put into that relationship (as usual too much) only to find out I'd been crapped on.
Cat
Yes you are right I'm still stinging from that whole thing. It was a great big slap in the face. After the energy I put into that relationship (as usual too much) only to find out I'd been crapped on.
Cat
Originally Posted by embraced2000
cat....yup, it's the thought process that becomes more scarier than the actual life. it's mind boggling to me.....the thought process of my x.
since coming on board here, i see that this pattern of thinking is very common in the active alcoholic.
i admire that you were able to chair that meeting with him sittin there staring at you.....dang, that would have been tough for me. good job!!!!!
i had to read the twelve traditions at our thanksgiving meeting/meal to a combined aa/al-anon meeting.....the home manager of the half-way house that my ex was living in at the time was there from 3 counties away.....just knowing he was there.....he had skin cells on his clothing that probably belonged to my x.....he shared the same living quarters with my x....he breathed the same air my x breathed....well, i was still really sick two thanksgivings ago....i bout lost it. i hyperventilated, bout passed out, and couldn't continue reading....they came up, sat me down, and put my head down to my knees cause i was the color of dead fish, they said....
oh, i was so humiliated.
good girl, cat!!!!!! you did so wonderful getting through that meeting.
i can tell you are still stinging so badly from the lie, the big lie, he told you and are still feeling betrayed. keep doing what you are doing.....
jeri
since coming on board here, i see that this pattern of thinking is very common in the active alcoholic.
i admire that you were able to chair that meeting with him sittin there staring at you.....dang, that would have been tough for me. good job!!!!!
i had to read the twelve traditions at our thanksgiving meeting/meal to a combined aa/al-anon meeting.....the home manager of the half-way house that my ex was living in at the time was there from 3 counties away.....just knowing he was there.....he had skin cells on his clothing that probably belonged to my x.....he shared the same living quarters with my x....he breathed the same air my x breathed....well, i was still really sick two thanksgivings ago....i bout lost it. i hyperventilated, bout passed out, and couldn't continue reading....they came up, sat me down, and put my head down to my knees cause i was the color of dead fish, they said....
oh, i was so humiliated.
good girl, cat!!!!!! you did so wonderful getting through that meeting.
i can tell you are still stinging so badly from the lie, the big lie, he told you and are still feeling betrayed. keep doing what you are doing.....
jeri
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
