he stopped by
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
he stopped by
on his way home from a familiy gathering. He left his car running and I let him step inside. A minute later he's opening my fridge to grab a beer. Thank God I don't have any in there! See, I realize this is very wrong, but I used to keep his brand at my house. I mean I knew I couldn't stop him from drinking and I drink beer myself and when I'd go to his house I was free to have anything (food, drink) I wanted as well so I suppose I didn't think of it as enabling. I thought of it as being a good grilfriend or at the very least being a good hostess.
Anyway he's never going to stay long anywhere without his beer so he invited me to his house, I just shook my head no and he left.
I started to weaken and came on here. I was going to call him. Then it dawned on me...calling, explaining my feelings isn't going to change a thing.
Of course then he called sounding already more drunk than a half hour before. Teasing me. I know he's trying to get me to admit that I'm bored so I'll agree that hanging out with him is better (I know this routine of course from the past). And now I feel strong again. His drunken game isn't working on me tonight. And that's a step forward for me. I have to wonder though is he getting worse or am i getting better?
Anyway he's never going to stay long anywhere without his beer so he invited me to his house, I just shook my head no and he left.
I started to weaken and came on here. I was going to call him. Then it dawned on me...calling, explaining my feelings isn't going to change a thing.
Of course then he called sounding already more drunk than a half hour before. Teasing me. I know he's trying to get me to admit that I'm bored so I'll agree that hanging out with him is better (I know this routine of course from the past). And now I feel strong again. His drunken game isn't working on me tonight. And that's a step forward for me. I have to wonder though is he getting worse or am i getting better?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
wow I hope you guys don't think I'm a total idiot for giving him beer in the past! I guess I can see why you would though
I feel like a terrible person after reading my own thread here
I feel like a terrible person after reading my own thread here
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Okay, you can quit beating up on yourself now. You said you drink beer, so you have every right to have beer in your own home. Yep, he's progressing in his disease as they all do over time. You sound like you're doing okay to me. The games will continue as long as your participate in any way. You can always tell him when he's sober that he's banned from your house when he's intoxicated.
You told him "no," he left, then he gave it another try which didn't work. So now he'll go pass out in front of the t.v., I suppose. You stood your ground. Don't even answer the phone if you don't want to, or take it off the hook.
You told him "no," he left, then he gave it another try which didn't work. So now he'll go pass out in front of the t.v., I suppose. You stood your ground. Don't even answer the phone if you don't want to, or take it off the hook.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Is he getting worse or are you getting better?
Well, I don't know about him. But I'd have to assume from your post that you are getting better. You didn't give in and you are seeing the reality.
Well, I don't know about him. But I'd have to assume from your post that you are getting better. You didn't give in and you are seeing the reality.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
Before I read this I thought "strange he hasn't called again" and then I remembered what he'd be doing on a typical Saturday evening. yup passed out before 8 o'clock...
Thank you for not thinking I'm horrible. I know logically that I have the right to drink and to have beer in my own home. I know I'm not an alcoholic. And I know I didn't cause his disease and can't control it.
But I was always really passive and thus accepting of him drinking. Physically handing him a beer or bringing beer over to his house... I'd consider all that enabling. Which honestly I didn't see before because I knew I couldn't stop him and wouldn't dare to try. The reality I suppose is that he only loves the woman I was. I was a "drinking buddy". I'd have a couple with him, never judge him, never scold. Laughed with him til he'd pass out of course and...last few months it's been more tears than laughter.
Thank you for not thinking I'm horrible. I know logically that I have the right to drink and to have beer in my own home. I know I'm not an alcoholic. And I know I didn't cause his disease and can't control it.
But I was always really passive and thus accepting of him drinking. Physically handing him a beer or bringing beer over to his house... I'd consider all that enabling. Which honestly I didn't see before because I knew I couldn't stop him and wouldn't dare to try. The reality I suppose is that he only loves the woman I was. I was a "drinking buddy". I'd have a couple with him, never judge him, never scold. Laughed with him til he'd pass out of course and...last few months it's been more tears than laughter.
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
You ARE better! Let it feel good that you told him no. It does take alot those first few times to change your pattern. Good for you.
If you were like me early on....I had no clue he was Alcoholic. Naieve?sp, or just ignorant to it. But, I have learned so very much w/ Alanon, not that I can practice it that good, but I am trying. I just never knew much about alcohol addiction. I just knew alot of people who drank alot! Linda
If you were like me early on....I had no clue he was Alcoholic. Naieve?sp, or just ignorant to it. But, I have learned so very much w/ Alanon, not that I can practice it that good, but I am trying. I just never knew much about alcohol addiction. I just knew alot of people who drank alot! Linda
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
I also kept my own kind of beer in the fridge...but it never lasted long, because as soon as he drank all of his, he would drink all of mine too. I could buy a six pack and have it in the fridge two months or more, before I met AH.
I think I was his 'drinking buddy' too, when we first met. We used to stay up all night drinking, sitting around campfire, talking.....until I finally realized that he had a problem, and that his disease had progressed. The talking got less and less, and the yelling got more and more.
I'm sorry I haven't read much about your story, so you have recently broke up with bf? Sounds like you never moved in with him, so I think you are so far ahead of most of us, who didn't realise that there was a problem until after we were already knee deep in you-know-what.
My AH says it's so hypocritical of me to say that I can drink and he can't. I tried to explain myself (to a wall) that I can quit after 2 , that alcohol doesn't have the same effect on me, and that I am not mean and beligerant, and I don't drink until I pass out, nor have I ever drank every single day of my life.
And the big one: I don't blame everyone else for all of my problems, I just deal with them! *gasp*
Right now I think he is in shock. He doesn't know what powerful force just hit him (thanks to SR)...he stands there, mouth hanging open so much lately.
And today, he drank nothing. And today, he knows that I don't care one way or the other. I told him to make his decision. He likes control, then so be it, here's the reins. Decide today if you want to be part of this family, or be alone somewhere with your beer cans. He chose us today, but I know that is just temporary, alcohol always wins.
Didn't mean to take over your post, I was on a roll there
I think I was his 'drinking buddy' too, when we first met. We used to stay up all night drinking, sitting around campfire, talking.....until I finally realized that he had a problem, and that his disease had progressed. The talking got less and less, and the yelling got more and more.
I'm sorry I haven't read much about your story, so you have recently broke up with bf? Sounds like you never moved in with him, so I think you are so far ahead of most of us, who didn't realise that there was a problem until after we were already knee deep in you-know-what.
My AH says it's so hypocritical of me to say that I can drink and he can't. I tried to explain myself (to a wall) that I can quit after 2 , that alcohol doesn't have the same effect on me, and that I am not mean and beligerant, and I don't drink until I pass out, nor have I ever drank every single day of my life.
And the big one: I don't blame everyone else for all of my problems, I just deal with them! *gasp*
Right now I think he is in shock. He doesn't know what powerful force just hit him (thanks to SR)...he stands there, mouth hanging open so much lately.
And today, he drank nothing. And today, he knows that I don't care one way or the other. I told him to make his decision. He likes control, then so be it, here's the reins. Decide today if you want to be part of this family, or be alone somewhere with your beer cans. He chose us today, but I know that is just temporary, alcohol always wins.
Didn't mean to take over your post, I was on a roll there
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
lololol sketscher!!!!! darlin, there ain't nuttin you can tell us that we haven't done, thought of doing, or had someone else do for our alcoholics....don't be so hard on yourself for taking him booze....we've all done it.
hells fire, i've banned him from buying booze cause he spent too much on those smaller bottles, so i took over....bought the big ole jugs cause they were cheaper. i became champion of iceing down warm beer, cause if you bought it in bulk and warm, you saved money. i had a circuit that i followed weekly in all the liqour stores so no one would think I was the alky....ha ha ha ha....roflmao!!!!!
one time, i over purchased booze at the local drug store....ur only allowed so many purchases of booze per order ......and there were so many people waitin in line behind me....and i was so pissed cause i was doing this....and the cashier says....sorry, you have too much liqour for one sale....well, i was just so humiliated.....grabbed one of shoppers cart in front of me that had just checked out....split the booze up between the carts....and was yelling, just take my money....just take my money!!!!!
everyone was just starin.....my cheeks were just burning hot....stomach rollin over.....from that day on, i didn't buy booze anymore.
so ya see, sketscher, we're all just a bunch of little sick puppies in the pound trying to get rid of the same mange....the disease of codependancy.
your doing great!!!!! it'a all good.
love to you
jeri
hells fire, i've banned him from buying booze cause he spent too much on those smaller bottles, so i took over....bought the big ole jugs cause they were cheaper. i became champion of iceing down warm beer, cause if you bought it in bulk and warm, you saved money. i had a circuit that i followed weekly in all the liqour stores so no one would think I was the alky....ha ha ha ha....roflmao!!!!!
one time, i over purchased booze at the local drug store....ur only allowed so many purchases of booze per order ......and there were so many people waitin in line behind me....and i was so pissed cause i was doing this....and the cashier says....sorry, you have too much liqour for one sale....well, i was just so humiliated.....grabbed one of shoppers cart in front of me that had just checked out....split the booze up between the carts....and was yelling, just take my money....just take my money!!!!!
everyone was just starin.....my cheeks were just burning hot....stomach rollin over.....from that day on, i didn't buy booze anymore.
so ya see, sketscher, we're all just a bunch of little sick puppies in the pound trying to get rid of the same mange....the disease of codependancy.
your doing great!!!!! it'a all good.
love to you
jeri
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Sketcher,
You're doing well.
They say setting boundaries is like a dance... in the beginning, one person does this, the other does that. I say this, you say that. You say this, I do that. It might be very dysfunctional, but it flows over time, and is often very predictable.
When I first set some boundaries, my ex would push a little harder to get me to give in like I always did before. He actually told me once "You're not doing this right! When I say 'blah blah blah' you're supposed to do xyz."
The As in our life don't like it when we set boundaries. And it doesn't always feel good to us either... at least not at first, when we are still so worried about how OUR actions make THEM feel.(when the truth is, we can't make anyone feel anything! )
But trust me, it gets easier and better over time. I think you're doing just fine.
Hugs
Cat
PS Jeri you cracked me up. I remember days when I was a bit crazy trying to deal with all the insanity in my life. I have been told more than once that you can usually tell the house that has an A by how the partner acts....
You're doing well.
They say setting boundaries is like a dance... in the beginning, one person does this, the other does that. I say this, you say that. You say this, I do that. It might be very dysfunctional, but it flows over time, and is often very predictable.
When I first set some boundaries, my ex would push a little harder to get me to give in like I always did before. He actually told me once "You're not doing this right! When I say 'blah blah blah' you're supposed to do xyz."
The As in our life don't like it when we set boundaries. And it doesn't always feel good to us either... at least not at first, when we are still so worried about how OUR actions make THEM feel.(when the truth is, we can't make anyone feel anything! )
But trust me, it gets easier and better over time. I think you're doing just fine.
Hugs
Cat
PS Jeri you cracked me up. I remember days when I was a bit crazy trying to deal with all the insanity in my life. I have been told more than once that you can usually tell the house that has an A by how the partner acts....
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
I didn't know there was a limit to how much alcohol someone could buy at one time. I think that is a good thing......but like you did, just buy it separately....not really any control over it. They do only want your money, they don't care if it's all from one person or from alot of people.
I can say that I have stopped buying any alcohol, shortly after joining here. If AH is with me in car, and he says, "swing through the drive thru", I just say no. I don't make up a reason why I don't want to, I just tell him that he can go get his own beer. I used to buy it for him when I bought groceries, because it was cheaper than the drive-thru....but that was pointless because he would just drink that and go get more.
We still have a few towns in Ohio that are "dry", no alcohol sales at all. I am sure I will consider this when we are ready to move. I would like to find a whole state that is dry!
I can say that I have stopped buying any alcohol, shortly after joining here. If AH is with me in car, and he says, "swing through the drive thru", I just say no. I don't make up a reason why I don't want to, I just tell him that he can go get his own beer. I used to buy it for him when I bought groceries, because it was cheaper than the drive-thru....but that was pointless because he would just drink that and go get more.
We still have a few towns in Ohio that are "dry", no alcohol sales at all. I am sure I will consider this when we are ready to move. I would like to find a whole state that is dry!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Illinois
Posts: 23
Oh, I drink a beer or something once in a while too. As everyone has said, you are not BAD. I can also relate to the person how they would have beer for months. I can keep NO alcohol in the house. I laugh because I like Lite beer and he "says" he doesn't like Lite. Funny how it seems to just "vaporize" at times though. LOL
One story I have is when a few years ago we went to Jamaica and brought home 2 bottles of rum. I checked from time to time to see if they were still there, then after a weekend of his "A" behavior, I saw the 2 bottles were still there, but empty. Then on Monday they were full again. And empty bottles of really cheap rum were in the trash. Seemed pretty pathetic and like a lot of effort to me.
Julie
One story I have is when a few years ago we went to Jamaica and brought home 2 bottles of rum. I checked from time to time to see if they were still there, then after a weekend of his "A" behavior, I saw the 2 bottles were still there, but empty. Then on Monday they were full again. And empty bottles of really cheap rum were in the trash. Seemed pretty pathetic and like a lot of effort to me.
Julie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
I forgot that I did have some beer in the fridge that he did see and passed up. It's this pumpkin beer. I bought it at Halloween and forgot I even had it since it's in the back and I didn't care for it.
He's pretty stuck on his brand. Which is readily available at any store or gas station, no reason for him to stick around my house for anything but. Also no reason for me to ever buy it again. So I won't have to worry about it vaporizing if he happens to visit again.
Funny thing is he got to expect it to be there but never did I go to his house to find that he bought say diet pop for me or anything especially for me. (DUH SKETSCHER, right?)
Well it's not his fault that I am so accomodating, this was a life time in the making for me.
He's pretty stuck on his brand. Which is readily available at any store or gas station, no reason for him to stick around my house for anything but. Also no reason for me to ever buy it again. So I won't have to worry about it vaporizing
if he happens to visit again.Funny thing is he got to expect it to be there but never did I go to his house to find that he bought say diet pop for me or anything especially for me. (DUH SKETSCHER, right?)
Well it's not his fault that I am so accomodating, this was a life time in the making for me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Illinois
Posts: 23
Pumpkin Beer, Yes, that is one my AH would pass on too. We tried that when someone brought it to underwater pumpkin carving. Tasted like something, but it sure wasn't pumpkin!
You sound like a good person sketscher. Sounds like you even have the sense of humor needed to keep from going nuts with all this. Hang in there!
Julie
You sound like a good person sketscher. Sounds like you even have the sense of humor needed to keep from going nuts with all this. Hang in there!
Julie
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
