How do you deal with your own family?
"What Now?"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Kingport, Tennessee
Posts: 16
How do you deal with your own family?
It's been awhile since I have been to the forum. I separated from my alcoholic husband 3 years ago. To say the least, it's been a rough road, crawling out of my codependency to him and to life itself, dealing with a rebellious, angry, and sad 15 year old daughter whom I moved 350 miles back to my hometown away from her friends and her Dad.
It's been a long journey for both my daughter and I. She is finally adjusting, has new friends, a new boyfriend and is gaining confidence in herself, hopefully ready to go to college next year.
Anyway, as I said I moved back to my hometown and moved in with my Mother, (my father died several years ago.) and that has been a Godsend. We are very close and she has been there for me through a lot of tough times, tears, and growth.
My sister lives here in town also. Besides, being my big sister, (yes, I am the little sis, a 49 year old little sis,) she is constantly telling me what I do wrong, asking why I'm not doing this or that, snapping at me, and so on. Now, I want you to understand, she has listened to me cry quite a bit and has been there for me, but sometimes, I feel she is mean. I don't know if this is her "tough" way to get me to go forward in my life, or she just loves bossing me around. (The latter has always been done).
My question to anyone is: Does anyone have family members that are always telling you what you did wrong, why you put up with "him", how you are raising your child, reminding me constantly to get on with my life, quit feeling sorry for yourself, you are a martyr, etc...
How can family members or anyone judge other people if they have never experienced what all of us have. I find all of us pretty tough people, to have endured the constant pain, picked up all the broken pieces over and over again, and last of all, had the guts to finally get out of the situation even though there were still so many darn emotional connections to our spouse.
My niece (who is a recovering alcoholic herself, and I am very proud of her), says "it's her, not you." Ignore her. Well, that's easier done that said for me as I have always been the sensitive one, but at the same time, I will fire back at her and then feel bitter.
Anyone relate? Got advice?
Let me know. I welcome anything.
Love to all,
Sam
It's been a long journey for both my daughter and I. She is finally adjusting, has new friends, a new boyfriend and is gaining confidence in herself, hopefully ready to go to college next year.
Anyway, as I said I moved back to my hometown and moved in with my Mother, (my father died several years ago.) and that has been a Godsend. We are very close and she has been there for me through a lot of tough times, tears, and growth.
My sister lives here in town also. Besides, being my big sister, (yes, I am the little sis, a 49 year old little sis,) she is constantly telling me what I do wrong, asking why I'm not doing this or that, snapping at me, and so on. Now, I want you to understand, she has listened to me cry quite a bit and has been there for me, but sometimes, I feel she is mean. I don't know if this is her "tough" way to get me to go forward in my life, or she just loves bossing me around. (The latter has always been done).
My question to anyone is: Does anyone have family members that are always telling you what you did wrong, why you put up with "him", how you are raising your child, reminding me constantly to get on with my life, quit feeling sorry for yourself, you are a martyr, etc...
How can family members or anyone judge other people if they have never experienced what all of us have. I find all of us pretty tough people, to have endured the constant pain, picked up all the broken pieces over and over again, and last of all, had the guts to finally get out of the situation even though there were still so many darn emotional connections to our spouse.
My niece (who is a recovering alcoholic herself, and I am very proud of her), says "it's her, not you." Ignore her. Well, that's easier done that said for me as I have always been the sensitive one, but at the same time, I will fire back at her and then feel bitter.
Anyone relate? Got advice?
Let me know. I welcome anything.
Love to all,
Sam
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
hi sam
when my family and some of my friends voice strong opinions on what i SHOULD do, think, feel, or say, i have learned to thank them for sharing their opinion.....validate their concern, and tell them that i have my program to help me through the issues at hand......you are not going to change them or how they think.....but you can change how you feel about what they say.
i always repeat back to them in my own words what i have just heard them say to me to, making sure that i understand what they just said to me, and that we are on the same wave length of thought.
when others take the superior tone of telling you what you SHOULD HAVE DONE, COULD HAVE DONE, OR WHAT THEY WOULD HAVE DONE, they are inadvertantly conveying the message that your decision was wrong.
i don't think most people do this on purpose, but that is the message that it sends to others.
one thing i heard often while with xah was.....how could you stay with him???and they would say it with such distaste....at the time it would make me feel so badly....like i was flawed in some way.
i learned to say things like......well, i have my reasons for staying with him, and i don't expect you to understand......that is why i'm going to al-anon....would you like to attend with me???
that would usually shut them up real quick.
blessings
jeri
when my family and some of my friends voice strong opinions on what i SHOULD do, think, feel, or say, i have learned to thank them for sharing their opinion.....validate their concern, and tell them that i have my program to help me through the issues at hand......you are not going to change them or how they think.....but you can change how you feel about what they say.
i always repeat back to them in my own words what i have just heard them say to me to, making sure that i understand what they just said to me, and that we are on the same wave length of thought.
when others take the superior tone of telling you what you SHOULD HAVE DONE, COULD HAVE DONE, OR WHAT THEY WOULD HAVE DONE, they are inadvertantly conveying the message that your decision was wrong.
i don't think most people do this on purpose, but that is the message that it sends to others.
one thing i heard often while with xah was.....how could you stay with him???and they would say it with such distaste....at the time it would make me feel so badly....like i was flawed in some way.
i learned to say things like......well, i have my reasons for staying with him, and i don't expect you to understand......that is why i'm going to al-anon....would you like to attend with me???
that would usually shut them up real quick.
blessings
jeri
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
I deal with this all of the time, except it's my father who is the pessimist. (sp?)
We sold our other house.....father says "don't count your money yet"
I live in a house that needs fixing up, because that's what I can afford....father says "you need to sell that house" "you need to move"
I complain about A.....father says "you need to leave him"
The way I deal with this, is not tell him anything. When I slip and share any part of my life with him, I back it up after he tells me what I SHOULD do, with "well, I'll have to make my own mistakes" or "maybe later you can say I told you so, but for now, I'm going to try such and such" . Mostly, I just don't let it bother me. I know how he is. I know what he will say. And I know it will be the most negative response from anyone.
Then I have other problems....the rest of the family will say that I act just like him. In a way, I suppose it's true (as much as I would hate to admit that), but I hope I bite my tongue more than he does. I wouldn't say that I always look to the negative side, but I always look through things, trying to figure everything out, all of the 'what-ifs". Is there any chance that you butt heads with your sister because she is alot like you, and telling you things that you already know (but don't want pointed out)? Just a total guess, but I see alot of that with my father and I. I want someone to listen, I want someone to care, but I don't want told what I should have already known, or told what to do.
I guess that's why we pay counselors alot of money.....to listen, whether I am right or wrong. And it's FREE here! lol
We sold our other house.....father says "don't count your money yet"
I live in a house that needs fixing up, because that's what I can afford....father says "you need to sell that house" "you need to move"
I complain about A.....father says "you need to leave him"
The way I deal with this, is not tell him anything. When I slip and share any part of my life with him, I back it up after he tells me what I SHOULD do, with "well, I'll have to make my own mistakes" or "maybe later you can say I told you so, but for now, I'm going to try such and such" . Mostly, I just don't let it bother me. I know how he is. I know what he will say. And I know it will be the most negative response from anyone.
Then I have other problems....the rest of the family will say that I act just like him. In a way, I suppose it's true (as much as I would hate to admit that), but I hope I bite my tongue more than he does. I wouldn't say that I always look to the negative side, but I always look through things, trying to figure everything out, all of the 'what-ifs". Is there any chance that you butt heads with your sister because she is alot like you, and telling you things that you already know (but don't want pointed out)? Just a total guess, but I see alot of that with my father and I. I want someone to listen, I want someone to care, but I don't want told what I should have already known, or told what to do.
I guess that's why we pay counselors alot of money.....to listen, whether I am right or wrong. And it's FREE here! lol
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Every family has one or two know-it-alls. Distance works for me. When those converstions or comments start, I leave. I keep my cards close to my chest and I share information. If she brings it up, you cold just say, "It's hard to believe that all happened 3 years ago isnt' it? It seems like ancient history, ha, maybe because it is.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
