CatsTail

Hi Everyone,

I was wondering about other peoples experiences with a fourth step. I'm doing a big one now right back to my childhood and it's been a real eye opener for me and such a growing experience.

It has brought me out of denial as to the abuse we all lived through when we were kids and how it has affected my life as an adult.

I see things much more clearly now and hopefully this will help me to make better choices in the future in every part of my life not just relationships.

Ngaire

Kellye C

My fourth step was a very eye-opening experience. In doing it I not only had to revisit things that I had tried to forget but I also saw trends in my behavior that I wouldn't have seen otherwise. My sponsor had me use worksheets with columns and my character defects were glaringly apparent. I have since used this knowledge when I've slipped back into old behavior/old ways of dealing with things. With the knowledge that I have of myself now I can pull back when I see myself headed for the old ways of coping and realize what I'm doing. Then I have the opportunity to change it.

I think 4th steps are awesome! I was terrified of doing one when I got into AA but since then I willingly did a second one earlier this year after some awful things had happened that I was having problems dealing with.

Congratulations on doing yours and I hope it is very healing for you!
Kellye

Zoey

Do you plan to do your 5th step?? That is great too!
Do you plan to use a clergy for 5th, IMO that is always the best.

I had a heck of a time with my fourth, I just wanted to take his inventory. LOL! Finally on my 3rd try I got it. An AA helped me with mine finally.
Then later as things surfaced I did another.

laurie6781

Please, please, while writing your fourth to also remember the GOOD things (the assets so to speak) about yourself and your life also.

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory. My sponsor had to remind me of that several times while I worked on mine. Also I found it is not a 'race' lol, but I know for me that first 4th step was so enlightening and certainly held me in good stead for a few years, then when more of my membory returned I did another one, and then another one, etc. In total I have now done 5 4th steps over the last 25 years, and I still have no memory of any and all that happened in my life from about July of '72 thru October of '73.

So if "more is revealed" then I will do another one, lol.

You will be amazed at the 'freedom' you will start to feel after completing your 4th and 5th steps. Maybe not right away, with some of us, it sort of 'creeps' up on us, but the freedom is tremendous.

Good luck in finnishing and enjoy your new freedom!

J M H O

Love and hugs,

embraced2000

ngaire
congrats on your 4th step work.

i haven't done one yet....it took me 2 years just to be able to do step 1.....hard-core holder-on-er to my own will, here.

blessings
jeri

dayxday

Hi Ngaire
I was reading my books last time and the 4th step keeps jumping out at me. Then I remembered seeing a post about step 4 and went looking for it.

It’s weird, because like others I also attend AA meetings, looking for insight from my AH side – anything that will help me to better myself and having a better understanding of where he has been and is - is helpful to me!

So that brings me back to the alanon steps - why are their steps the same as ours? So before I begin a 4th step I need to understand and it seems like 5 & 6 go right along with step 4.

I don’t have a sponsor yet – a few have raised their hands at meetings but I don’t know them well enough yet to know if I can say or talk to them about what I really feel. It’s much easier to just spill my guts here.

And honestly I know that many have you have done very well by following and/or completing the twelve alanon steps and continuing to practice them. I don’t understand really where the faults, admitting and character defects apply to me. What exactly am I searching my soul for?

Since I don’t have a sponsor, if anyone is willing to explain the reasons for step 4 and give ideas of where to start until I find I sponsor I am open to any suggestions.

Minx1969

You will get the most out of the steps if you ask one of those people who raised their hand to be your sponsor.

A sponsor is there to guide you through the steps and you will get to know them as you go through the process.

GlassPrisoner

A lot of people seem to dread this step. Personally, I'm looking forward to it (along with 5 & 6).

To get all of that resenmtment out of me, and forgive those who wronged me (they too, are spiritually sick) will be a great burden lifted.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Not familiar with what you are all talking about? could someone give me some information on how you do this 'working the step' and what it is?? I know what steps are but am unfamiliar with working them? This is a new one to me. don't mean to sound like an idiot here but when I was attending coda years ago I never did this????

Zoey

I wrote my life story finally, starting with my birth, family etc. then as I remembered back I remembered one family member always called me silly or crazy, just her way, but made me feel worthless or stupid, just words, but they seemed to affect me.
Then I remembered other family members and how I seemed OK with whatever they said. Then too, was told to write down all good things too. Then school, I never felt I fit anywhere, always felt alone in a crowd.etc. etc.
Lots and lots of things come to mind that shows where and why my resentments started.
I made life difficult for myself.
We all find different things.
Thats just my thoughts as far as they go. With a sponsor and a work book for step 4 you will find answers.
Do you have an AA big book? some instructions in it, pg 65 I think.

ngaire, Forgive me high jacking here.

CatsTail

Hi Zoey,

I'm in A.A, I'm doing it all from the big book. When you dig back to the past it really shows where things started.

Ngaire

IrshIzNotSmilin

I hope ngaire I am not hijacking here either but what workbook the Big Book? How do I get that? I am right now unable to find a f2f meeting so I am online it is a little different and I am soooooooooo confused about proper reading material people are referring to. Such as P2R, C2C, and CAL? I feel it is a definite language I am unfamiliar with? Anyone can PM me about this so I do not take up thread space. Thanks.

denny57

Irsh, I can't remember if you attend Al-Anon at all? Even if you don't, but are curious, you can see and buy some of their literature on line. Or you can drop in on a meeting and pick some up. There is a workbook called "Blueprint for Progress" which asks some great questions in preparing a 4th step. I think it's a great book no matter what. It really got me thinking about things and writing them out helped enormously.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Thanks denny what are the other books? I do al-anon on-line right now I will go to website. Is there workbook for all the steps? or just this one? Thanks

denny57

A good book for understanding the steps, and one of my favorites, is "Paths to Recovery." It walks you through each step, then has personal shares, and then some questions to ask. Some people work their steps with a sponsor, others do not. The point for me is to grow and learn and anything that helps me ask the tough questions of myself has been really beneficial.

Good luck!

IrshIzNotSmilin

Denny, thanks I have heard about that book a little but did not know what it was. I am getting it now. and I am getting the book too. LOL.. thanks again.

dayxday

Hi All, I wanted to use the thanks button for all of the excellent information but it isn't there anymore. Did I do that or did they change something???

At any rate – ngaire, zoey, and denny thanks so much for the information. I looked in my AA big book and found the information on how to work the 4th step. Thanks! I am also going to go on line and order the books denny mentioned. The alanon meetings I attend have literature and a couple of books they sell at the meetings, but just an order form for the other books and no one has suggested any of these at the meetings so this is a great suggestion you have given me.

I would like to have a sponsor but since I haven’t found someone I am comfortable with yet I am really happy that the information you have all provided will help me get moving on this.