The hangover has hit (From confession incident)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
The hangover has hit (From confession incident)
Well,
it hit. I knew somwhere inside there was no way I coulda gotten away with the hunting him down without a hangover of some sort. Not gonna tell the long drawn out story, just that Friday nights "Let me go see what your up too" episdoe led to futher "attachement" and I spent pretty much the whole weekend in obsession and compulsive driving behavior. I should not be allowed to have a drivers license!
Drove by his house, thinking THIS time, he will open the door and we will have a calm, cool discussion ie: This time you will see you need help and all will be well. HA!
Didnt turn out that way..didnt answer door, dont even know if he was there...eventually he answered one of my Compulsive Dialing Disorder calls...in which I was quite calm and nice, and he was nice back, and we talked about fluff stuff. Said he'd call me later, of course, didnt. Surprised? Nah, niether was I...but boy, my disease just worked me over as today I call again, and here was his anger to greet me on the phone.
Try to be nice again, thinking a nice approach is the right approach. When he still didnt want to admit he is sick and needs help and still didnt want to address me and my needs...well....my friendly little disease did what it does best....sent me into codie-overdrive - feelings of Im nothing, he doesnt care a crap about me, our boy etc..you know, the same old spew.
When I said "I am in pain" he replied "I am sick of this, I cannot take it anymore, your destroying me....blah blah"..in other words, he made it all about him. MY pain makes him miserable. Gosh...how could I have had the selfishness to tell him I hurt?
Well...finally, when he called the last time and said "The ONLY reason I am calling you is because I said I would..." well, that was the knife into the heart that told me to stop. To hear he only called out of obligation and not concern or care...well, I felt totally humiliated and degraded.
The pain was devestating, which is what my disease wanted..score one for the disease, you got yout way this time, azz-ho, but know what? I cried my eyes out to GOD, you remember him, disease, dontcha? He is something MORE powerful than you! NAANNNIEEE NANNNNIE to you! And I asked him to help me,,,,,bet ya dont like that, you big bully. And he did help, he helped me dial the number of a friend in program who talked me back into the real reality of my life, not the "Your ex husband hates you and thinks your apiece of sh!t because you ARE a piece of sh!t" baloney.
I know I am valuable, kind, loving and good. I know that the ex doesnt see that because YOU, you bast*** disease has destryoed his mind, taken away his ability to be rational, has filled him with hate and anger and resentment. I KNOW that now, even if I forgot it while I was actively practicing in my insanity, all because you got to me when I was weak. Oh, you fart-knocking disease...UP YOURS! I won this time, because I surrender to you and Im not fighting you anymore....I decided to call in my ringer, my own personal bully and his name is GOD and he beat your stinking little butt today cus he got me to a noon meeting, where I spilled my guts out to the group and told them I am a newcomer, picking up my day one white tissue.
HA! Take that you hillbilly loving disease.What ya gonna do to me now????
I FEEL BETTER!
it hit. I knew somwhere inside there was no way I coulda gotten away with the hunting him down without a hangover of some sort. Not gonna tell the long drawn out story, just that Friday nights "Let me go see what your up too" episdoe led to futher "attachement" and I spent pretty much the whole weekend in obsession and compulsive driving behavior. I should not be allowed to have a drivers license!
Drove by his house, thinking THIS time, he will open the door and we will have a calm, cool discussion ie: This time you will see you need help and all will be well. HA!
Didnt turn out that way..didnt answer door, dont even know if he was there...eventually he answered one of my Compulsive Dialing Disorder calls...in which I was quite calm and nice, and he was nice back, and we talked about fluff stuff. Said he'd call me later, of course, didnt. Surprised? Nah, niether was I...but boy, my disease just worked me over as today I call again, and here was his anger to greet me on the phone.
Try to be nice again, thinking a nice approach is the right approach. When he still didnt want to admit he is sick and needs help and still didnt want to address me and my needs...well....my friendly little disease did what it does best....sent me into codie-overdrive - feelings of Im nothing, he doesnt care a crap about me, our boy etc..you know, the same old spew.
When I said "I am in pain" he replied "I am sick of this, I cannot take it anymore, your destroying me....blah blah"..in other words, he made it all about him. MY pain makes him miserable. Gosh...how could I have had the selfishness to tell him I hurt?
Well...finally, when he called the last time and said "The ONLY reason I am calling you is because I said I would..." well, that was the knife into the heart that told me to stop. To hear he only called out of obligation and not concern or care...well, I felt totally humiliated and degraded.
The pain was devestating, which is what my disease wanted..score one for the disease, you got yout way this time, azz-ho, but know what? I cried my eyes out to GOD, you remember him, disease, dontcha? He is something MORE powerful than you! NAANNNIEEE NANNNNIE to you! And I asked him to help me,,,,,bet ya dont like that, you big bully. And he did help, he helped me dial the number of a friend in program who talked me back into the real reality of my life, not the "Your ex husband hates you and thinks your apiece of sh!t because you ARE a piece of sh!t" baloney.
I know I am valuable, kind, loving and good. I know that the ex doesnt see that because YOU, you bast*** disease has destryoed his mind, taken away his ability to be rational, has filled him with hate and anger and resentment. I KNOW that now, even if I forgot it while I was actively practicing in my insanity, all because you got to me when I was weak. Oh, you fart-knocking disease...UP YOURS! I won this time, because I surrender to you and Im not fighting you anymore....I decided to call in my ringer, my own personal bully and his name is GOD and he beat your stinking little butt today cus he got me to a noon meeting, where I spilled my guts out to the group and told them I am a newcomer, picking up my day one white tissue.
HA! Take that you hillbilly loving disease.What ya gonna do to me now????
I FEEL BETTER!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
ok....that's over with now.....
get yer arse ready for your meeting with the teacher!!!
luv ya, friend!!!!!
it will be ok....i have to run.....AND YOU DO, TOO.....i'll talk with you later
jeri
get yer arse ready for your meeting with the teacher!!!
luv ya, friend!!!!!
it will be ok....i have to run.....AND YOU DO, TOO.....i'll talk with you later
jeri
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I've been a "drive by shooter" myself far too many times. This is just a suggestion, but I bought two books online at Amazon that may be of interest to you. I bought them because I had a strong suspicion I was not only a codie but a REAL love addict. Might clarify some of this for you.
Addiction to Love by Susan Peabody and Is It Love or Is It Addiction? by Brenda Schaeffer.
I found myself in the pages of those books and it explained a lot of things that had puzzled me for a long time.
Addiction to Love by Susan Peabody and Is It Love or Is It Addiction? by Brenda Schaeffer.
I found myself in the pages of those books and it explained a lot of things that had puzzled me for a long time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Dang.... when you fall off the wagon you do it good dont you. That is ok, sounds like you needed it one more time.... but Jeri is right.... time to get back up and get moving on.
Its all progression hon... so this time you called him first... but you did reach out for help and call somone in the program. Hopefully next time you will reach out first and then you want have a chance to get into Codi overdrive...
I dont know about anyone else but the holiday season is one of the hardest times for me. I keep thinking about what was happening last year at this time and how I felt, thinking like that can easily pull a girl off the wagon. I admitt that the thought of "will he call" has crossed my mind. I know I wont call him only because I could not stand to be rejected again but sometimes the thoughts are there.
We just have to play the tape all the way through sweets....
Its all progression hon... so this time you called him first... but you did reach out for help and call somone in the program. Hopefully next time you will reach out first and then you want have a chance to get into Codi overdrive...
I dont know about anyone else but the holiday season is one of the hardest times for me. I keep thinking about what was happening last year at this time and how I felt, thinking like that can easily pull a girl off the wagon. I admitt that the thought of "will he call" has crossed my mind. I know I wont call him only because I could not stand to be rejected again but sometimes the thoughts are there.
We just have to play the tape all the way through sweets....
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
FOB, it does hurt like heck, huh? Then, it is even worse when we are disappointed in our behaviour. But, sometimes we just have to do what we have to do, knowing it is not the "right" thing, or the safest for our hearts. I'm sorry you are feeling badly. This really sucks....
Not a good week for me either. Holidays, his birthday, anniversary of my Son's accident. Hard to keep the chin up, BUT....cleaned out a bedroom closet today and fixed a closet door that had never worked! Hooray! Can think of a couple other things I'd rather have been doing......
in the bedroom! In time, it's been years since anything has happened, but do think about it!
Hey, wasn't it you going to see the teacher today? How'd it go? Or, was it a bad day to think about that?
Not a good week for me either. Holidays, his birthday, anniversary of my Son's accident. Hard to keep the chin up, BUT....cleaned out a bedroom closet today and fixed a closet door that had never worked! Hooray! Can think of a couple other things I'd rather have been doing......
in the bedroom! In time, it's been years since anything has happened, but do think about it!Hey, wasn't it you going to see the teacher today? How'd it go? Or, was it a bad day to think about that?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Mazey, please see the thread "Fantasying about my sons teacher" for the update of our meet n greet today.I did indeed go...
Thanks all for your postings here.Cynay....you mean I could call a friend BEFORE I call the "him"? LOL..dang..anudder good idea!
It hurts...it just hurts, but I managed to pull outta it, meet Mr Hot Lips, then go to 2 more meetings tonight. Feel much better...the grace of God pulls me out once again.
Thanks all for your postings here.Cynay....you mean I could call a friend BEFORE I call the "him"? LOL..dang..anudder good idea!
It hurts...it just hurts, but I managed to pull outta it, meet Mr Hot Lips, then go to 2 more meetings tonight. Feel much better...the grace of God pulls me out once again.
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